Enneatype 8: A Life Of Blindness And Dysfunction

Vulnerability Is Overstated

I believe that the focus of people on E8 disliking vulnerability is such an overstated topic yet it seems that this is how fellow E8's find each other? On reddit we see many people complaining how they cannot be vulnerable, how hard it is to open up, how they don't wanna be weak, these things can indeed be true and I am sure they feel that way but all of this is concious and in all reality superficial, there are many other types that can feel the same exact way. These comments and thoughts, these rants are not truly reflective, they touch on the very basic nature of people's fears, motivations and discomforts yet they're always the most talked about in relation to E8, it's as if, these people believe those things are actually what makes being "E8" hard, let me tell you something, they're really not.

The Journey To Hardness

A person does not develop the mindset, reactions, emotional world and cognitive distortions of the E8 by having a happy go luck family life, from my personal experience, from knowing other E8's, there have always been themes of abuse present, there is experience of degradation, psychological or physical violence, there is humilation, rejection, chaos, uncertainty and emotional neglect, often these things are pervasive, long lasting experiences but the principle is simple, to build hardness you first need to destroy the person.

Everyone starts as a normal child, they want love, acceptance, belonging, they don't have developed view of the world yet, everything is pure in a sense, not polluted by the world around them, there is truly a component of pure vulnerability and naivete, this child experiences the unfortunate experiences, with peers, with family unit, they feel all of these human emotions, the pain, the fears, shame, embarassment, they feel at fault, like something is wrong with them, this child does not wish to feel this pain, they sense that this is all unjust, there is rage and anger mixed with feelings of helplessness, it's a deadly combination of emotions especially long lasting. People who by all accounts should be there to protect you, nurture you, make you grow up to be your best self are instead the same people who do the most damage to you, too caught up in their own emotions, their own ego and their own brutal pasts. This also relates to the concept of power dynamics, parents in all cultures hold a position of authority and many exercise it on such a principle, I am your parent and what I say goes, it can lead to abuse in which the parental figure gets away with imposing certain things on the child, the child cannot do anything to protect itself.

The process of desensitization occurs, with your already preexisting temperament, it has to, your brain has to do something at this point in order to survive, to create coping mechanisms, to be effective. Slowly but surely, the pain gets muted more and more, the need for love, for acceptance, for belonging, for understanding and empathy gets crushed, castrated and killed, your mind does this to protect itself from further pain, when you are blamed, made to be bad, these mechanisms help you deal with that, I suppose in a sense, the less you care for human desires and needs, the safer you become.

There is a streak of rebellion, of irresponsibility that reinforces your parental figures to impose on you even more, remember, in this childhood, when things did not go as they wanted, force, punishment and fear mongering was utilized as means of motivation but this only makes the irresponsibility even more intense, if you're bad, if you're going to be trashed, why bother? Why bother with all of this, why do you wanna strive for your parents to be proud of you, forget about these concepts, you need to move on. The parent does not understand why you're not reacting the way they would want you to react.

What happens is that, emotions become strongly distanced from the awarness of the self, it does not mean they don't exist, they do but the individual's focus transfers and morphs, there is such a priority and over-identification with the external concrete world that the individuals internal world has been largely decapitated, the mind puts the external world as priority over your internal emotions, this is a coping mechanism. Over time, you lose touch with these things, the component of "moving on" takes dominance.

A Brutal World view

A big component of the transformation is the cognitive distortion, that is a neccessary part of it all as it supports the persons self-perception and even actions, the individual understand even on a very primal and subconcious level that empathy, softness, vulnerability and helplessness get you put in some bad situations, after all that is exactly what they experienced and they wish to avoid it, you then understand that people won't really respect your boundaries, your self-respect or dignity, your feelings or your autonomy but they will respond to violence, be it psychological, verbal or even physical, they will respond to force, this is a learning experience.

You're either push or get pushed, this mentality slowly forms accompanied by your already existing emotional distancing, castration and hyper-externalization. You realize that you have survived so much compared to those around you, you truly suffered and you did not break, you did not cower, you start seeing others as weaker than yourself, as more fragile, sensitive, you hold them in contempt for this weakness and in more neurotic moments because of the disgust and contempt you feel for these weak people, you might even attack them, crush them, you don't know this but this is nothing more than reflection of your own internal inner workings, you cannot stand weakness in others because you cannot stand it in yourself, subconciously, it seems like this thing still exists in you deep down which is why you're acting out.

Empathy, guilt, shame, these things are pretty decapitated from the subconcious, there is association with power, strength, aggression, toughness, how can a person that crushed their own emotional world have empathy for others? You don't care about yourself in that sense, you have no mercy for yourself so you have no mercy for others.

This is where you get the INSENSITIVITY of the E8, do we really expect a person that goes through such a transformation to actually be a little gentle giant? That is why I always said there is a difference between your average Jessica Joe Shmoe that doesn't like being vulnerable and an 8 core, you can tell that the individual has not had his humanity crushed, they haven't went through the process, that human sensitivity and desire is still there and it cannot help but show itself in it's full glory.

Later in life, late teens, things are solidifying strong, these corrupted world views, these distortions become inflexible, it was a process, it took years but here you are, you start to think to yourself, I am glad that I went through this, at least I am not a pussy like every other whiner around me, I am glad my father was hard on me, I am glad I suffered, things become twisted, your world view not is able to justify all the things that have happened to you, reinforces your own strength but it gets you further and further from the possibility of true growth.

You believe that you can go through anything in life and not be touched, not be affected or crushed, seemingly nothing really sticks to you on an emotional level, your initial emotional transformation and castration, the emotional distancing that then lead to Internal Blindness has only supported your distorted cognitive beliefs, you truly feel invulnerable.

Internal Blindness and Denial

This is in my opinion what makes the life of E8 difficult, we have now very complex cognitive distorted belief system and world view created through trauma and also the emotional component that is so necessary to create this personality, when we speak of Internal Blindness, think about people who went through hardships in life and suffer from them on a conscious level, they go to therapy, they feel helpless, they cannot watch certain movie scenes because they will get triggered, they get clearly affected by certain things related to their trauma, that's normal and often expected, now imagine being a person who went through emotional hell and yet feels none of that, you don't feel triggered by these things, you don't have such fears, you sleep like a baby, surely you would truly believe and KNOW that you are fine.

You surely must now understand the problem with reflection and self growth for E8, how do you break a pattern that does not seem bad to you? How do you break a pattern that was designed to protect you and makes you fully believe that this is better for you? You are blind, as traumatized if not more than the rest, maybe you don't feel these things, maybe you feel more anger, more hostility, whatever but behind these emotions and reactions lies something deeper, something more vulnerable and sensitive, more human.

It took me until I got into my 30's to realize how crippling this is, like I knew sure that was one of the ways I was but it never TRULY clicked, on that deep meaningful level, a thing that once reinforces my own narcissism and my ego has now become something that stops me from being a fulfilled human being, in my transformation, I knew that I went through rough experiences in life, I knew how they affected me, I knew there was a lot of trauma involved and some potential diagnoses but despite staring right at it, looking at it from observer's perspective, I could not truly feel it...which annoyed me, If only I could experience what I went through again so I could remember how it felt, so I could know that it was truly bad...so I can be sure.

So even in my older age, It was hard for me to identify with other people who went through trauma despite intellectually understanding I probably have the same thing but having certain diagnoses and professionals tell that yeah you are traumatized, as weird as that sounds, it is helpful because maybe then you will accept it.

The Body Keeps Score

I might not feel trauma, I might not feel these things but this does not change the fact that my body might, that my reactions betray me, behind hostility, aggression and dominance lies stress, fear, fracture, instability. I now understand that these things are my blind spots, I try to listen to people around me who might realize something that I don't, maybe I am in pain that is why I am reacting this way, maybe I feel that way but I don't know, the feed back is good because it makes you think, it makes you reflect and attempt to connect the dots, uncover certain curtains.

To Have The Good, One Has To Have The Bad

Many wannabe E8's, many redditors, many teenagers, whatever, identifying with the label and only wanting it to represent the cool parts, oh yeah I am tough and hard but I am empathetic and I promise I would never harm anyone intentionally! Oh I would never be a sadistic person, I am a reasonable person not like this impulsive and aggressive individual!

It's all bullshit and it's pathetic, the violence, impulsivity, irresponsibility manifests in core components of the Enneagram 8 as LIFE LONG PATTERNS , if you can't fucking take it then you're not made for it, life managed with force and rebellion to the point of stupid irrationality, a life of ruined relationships, transgressions and errors, this is the reality.