Love

If we were to define the predominant theme for the Self-Preservation 3 subtype in the realm of love with a single word, it would undoubtedly be love-security. In this subtype, maternal love prevails as a way of channeling affection through usefulness. Their compulsion revolves around ensuring the preservation of secure and stable conditions, which provides them with a sense of control over their immediate environment.

This need for affection manifests in an ongoing commitment to caring for others and preventing any conflicts or unsuitable situations from arising. The obsession with always appearing adequate and over-adaptation can reach a point where the individual forgets their own feelings in favor of an idealized model of love. This attitude, though self-generated in childhood with respect to their parental figures, causes the biggest conflicts in romantic relationships.

Admiring love, on the other hand, never becomes "all-encompassing" in the existential sense; it doesn't occupy as much space within the individual. Consequently, a self-preservation E3 feels admiring love only in relation to specific individuals, such as spiritual mentors, scientists, or notable figures in areas that are important to them.

Finally, erotic love tends to remain underdeveloped, largely dormant at a conscious level. It could be said that the compulsion to do, to always be doing, hinders the ability to embrace pleasure. It’s not surprising, then, that the Self-Preservation 3, who feels admiring love towards one of the figures mentioned above, redirects their energies toward work or

pursuits associated with the world represented by them, neglecting personal pleasure and daily life in the process.

So, how does a Self-Preservation 3 experience love? Generally, they expect to receive admiring love in all aspects of life, offering little, however, of their admiration to others. After all, how can they extend admiring love if that’s exactly what they’re for: to be admired?

In relationships, they anticipate all three types of love, as this sphere holds significant importance for them. For sexual conservatives, the partner is everything, while social conservatives, though still attaching importance to the romantic bond, find the professional domain to be of greater significance, along with the recognition they receive for their services and efforts.

From notable figures, such as mentors, E3 preservationists expect both compassionate and appreciative love. In return, they provide appreciative love and, to a large extent, also compassionate love in the form of loyalty, commitment, affection, and service. The following testimony is enlightening regarding the dominance of different types of love:

"Few people are worthy of my admiration. I tend to look at authority with a magnifying glass, and I had a hard time when someone I blindly believed in let me down. I often feel unworthy of the people I admire and am usually quite timid when approaching them; but if they show interest in me, I become an enthusiastic collaborator." (Maribel)

It’s quite common to hear from individuals of this subtype that the arrival of a child is healing: “What healed me is my daughter. With a child, you rediscover surprise, genuine love, and intensity,” says Maribel. They also often take on the role of a counselor, providing maternal love while receiving admiring love. It’s not rare to come across experiences like that of a woman who, giving advice to a friend about her recent divorce, failed to mention that she was going through the same process, divorcing her husband just a day later.

However, the type of love that likely generates the most problems for this subtype is erotic love, as it’s the least developed and integrated. Everything linked to pleasure, sensuality, and spontaneity has been repressed in favor of adapting to the environment. This suppression sometimes results in their inner child being relegated to a hidden, unacknowledged space. Many preservationists find it difficult to express or share their desires and frustrations, even withdrawing from the world and social interactions in that regard.

It’s typical for them to view sexuality as something dirty or ugly, thus gravitating toward partners who embody what is perceived as “good.” In many cases, their romantic relationships actually resemble friendships. We see here, as in the aforementioned

tendency to act as "counselors," points of convergence with E1. These are some of the traits that confuse the Self-Preservation 3s in their typological journey and lead them to identify with the E1 personality.

The Self-Preservation 3, therefore, often grapples with internal tension between the security of their carefully constructed world and the frustration of struggling to experience pleasure, growth, and adventure. Life, nevertheless, has a way of bringing out that unacknowledged, and deemed unsightly, part of themselves.

The need to integrate their entire being frequently creates a conflict between their desire for experimentation and openness to change, and their fear of losing what they’ve established. Here are some eloquent ways of expressing this inner conflict:

"I try not to let it show that I like someone, and I make sure to remain faithful to avoid conflicts or the risk of my partner leaving me." (Ferran)

"I’ve repressed my sexuality; I present myself as a prude." (Maribel)

"Desire feels dangerous to me, and I haven’t allowed it near me or my partner." (Teodoro)

In reality, the bond in a relationship is established, as we’ve mentioned before, through maternal love and emotional dependency, which the following stories illustrate:

"I express love by taking care of and doing things for others. I look after them, hoping they’ll reciprocate and do the same for me; if they don’t in the way I expect, I interpret it as them not loving me." (Maribel)

"In a relationship, all my efforts are concentrated on making the other person feel that they’re safe with me. 'You can trust me, I provide security.' I offer myself to prove my worth. In such circumstances, trust is the most precious thing I can give. So, I create a sense of obligation, hoping my partner will provide me with the same trust and security. After all, what are we without a significant other? I sacrifice a lot to be faithful, shower them with attention, be present and available, adhere to their wishes; I don’t drink, always call at night, and take care of them. The goal is to not cause any worry for my partner." (Teodoro)

"The ideal love, for me, was tied to the maternal love of nurture; but it was never about me being nurtured." (Juanjo)

"We’ve learned and internalized that love is achieved through effort." (Maribel)

E3 preservationists thus find themselves in a perpetual state of uncertainty, caught between love and dependency, pleasure and benevolence, sensuality and friendship.

In intimate relationships, they seek the warmth and connection they didn’t receive from the parent of the opposite sex. For example, a male Self-Preservation 3 who lacked contact with his mother as a child will aim to fulfill his most fundamental needs: security and warmth. Without this initial foundation, it becomes difficult for him to fully engage with the outside world and experience his sexuality fully within a relationship. He may project erotic love outside the context of his secure partnership.

The internal desire for happiness, linked to the inability to simply exist or be authentic, leads the conservative E3 to idealize love. The love model has as its paradigmatic image something like a little house on the prairie, with a devoted relationship where sex must be inextricably connected to love, and certain sexual practices are unacceptable because “that’s not love.” As a result, their idealization of fidelity and happiness frequently leads them to renounce sex and "sexiness" altogether. Their pursuit of perfection is extended into the sexual realm, and they struggle to balance the everyday aspects of life with their secret desire for intense and sublime experiences.

This projection can result in a dramatization of sexuality, linked, on one hand, to the substitution of reality with imagination, and, on the other, to relying on actions as a means of showing love. The former has to do with the fantasy of the Self-Preservation 3, which constructs ideal emotions that are very internal and have little connection with the other person. These ideals are built in the image of the perfection they seek, leaving little energy for genuine bonds.

Acts of service in the relationship serve as a protective mechanism against potential emotional harm and their fear of intimacy, causing love to manifest through deeds rather than words—in short, through doing. The stronger the attraction (read: dependence), the more eager they become to do something for the partner, sometimes to the point of becoming invasive and hasty. This unconscious self-referencing based on their own needs, and the desire to be seen, prevents them from truly seeing the other person. The conservative E3 is interested in someone valuable because it makes them feel valued, but they often don’t genuinely consider what the other person needs. This paradox, where they appear to give their all to the other, can be found in the tale of affection in transactional analysis, which describes an emotional cooling, where sincere affection is replaced by a superficial one. This is a very ostensible and conventional kindness.

"I am a protector, helper, counselor... 'motherly' love is highly developed in me. Of course, there is a price, as I’m not entirely selfless; I seek the recognition of others. I’m faithful to my friends; very sociable and family-oriented. My desires, my needs usually rank at the bottom of the list, and the needs of those around me (there’s many such people) come first." (Maribel)

This safety net can lead E3 conservatives to some extreme conclusions, such as: “If I’m not putting in excessive effort, I’ll die,” “if I give in, I’ll die,” “if I lose control, I’ll die.” Alternatively, it creates a fear of becoming too comfortable if everything is handed to them. Conversely, it provides the necessary signs to understand that the relationship is empty or not working, and if it feels exhausting or burdensome, it’s not true love.

This subtype has a hard time separating from their partner, even if they feel they aren’t with the right person. The idea that they can’t be the bad one who leaves arises, along with the fear of causing pain. A preservationist might drag out a romantic relationship for years to avoid hurting the other person, although, in reality, this indecision and lack of courage ends up generating passive suffering in both parties. Underlying this is a fear of loss and pain, along with a difficulty in letting go. Several men express it like Juanjo: “We act as if we’re honest, but it’s a self-deception; in fact, we’re motivated by the fear of being abandoned.”

E3 conservatives tend to have few, long-lasting relationships throughout their lives. Having become skilled and adaptable in their efforts to attain security, when they finally open themselves to change, it’s not unusual for them to embrace the type of love they once rejected. Therefore, it’s quite common in the biographies of this subtype to find stories of a new love experience after the initial love-security, one that we might call love-passion. This is how Ilse describes it:

"My second love, years later, was a love-passion. He was a very passionate man, insecure, but a great lover, quite irrational, wild, not very socially adapted, somewhat macho, much younger than me, adventurous, with multiple exes, full of fire and life. I could afford to be in this relationship, because my needs for basic material security were already met; I could provide for myself. I felt an internal conflict of values; I even made a list of ‘do’s and don’ts,’ but the passion and my craving for intensity ultimately won.”

When it comes to handling relationships, E3 conservatives, on one hand, have a strong need for control, and on the other, an underlying fear:

"The notion of being emotionally dependent on a man felt unbearable to me. Several phantoms appeared: fear of being betrayed, of being abandoned, of fading into the background, of becoming a clown... All this made me swiftly jump ship, ending the relationship. I’m acutely aware of my difficulty in sharing. I want things exactly my way, and if they don’t go according to plan, I invalidate the other person. I lose my civility and positive emotions, and instead succumb to negative ones, failing to sustain the relationship." (Sandra)

Finally, in relationship formation, there is a strong urge to prove to themselves that they can obtain what they desire, that they’ll get what they want. Their misguided belief is that they have the power to dictate events according to their expectations, because their way is the

right way. In this sense, they idealize and elevate their partner, and achieving their goals through relentless effort becomes a means of self-assertion and control. It’s the consequence of their great difficulty in trusting life.