Passion in the Sphere of Instinct: How Vanity Works In The Conservation Subtype

E3 is often associated with a person who constantly looks in the mirror because a vain person needs to confirm their external appearance. However, experience shows that the vain person often has little awareness of their physical features. What they see in the mirror is merely an image that others might find pleasurable to look at. In front of a mirror, E3s do not see themselves but rather imagine being embodied in another person who is looking at the reflection. We can conclude that E3s live several characters within themselves, chosen according to the need to transform into an object of desire for others.

The theory of instincts shows that the passion of vanity, by invading the instinct of self-preservation, produces an emphasis on attention to survival and on control that ensures primary needs. It takes the form of proving, to oneself and to others, the capacity to solve concrete life issues as a competent person, with a compulsive motivation to transform each act into something that generates external recognition. This recognition is what E3 relies on to feel their own existence. The Self-Preservation 3 compensates for its extreme vulnerability in the basics of life with the feedback it receives from others and the illusion that this recognition guarantees their basic and primary needs.

Conservation in the service of vanity can lead to self-annihilation, where one tries not to stand out to avoid rejection or hatred, as hatred poses a threat to survival. This mindset can be summarized as follows: “If I do what is expected of me, I won’t be at risk of being hated or endangered.”

In doing so, individuals of this subtype seek to prove their usefulness and indispensability to others. Their world revolves around the concrete, the visible, and the tangible. They constantly engage with practical matters or maintain an ever-expanding to-do list. Their most distinguishing trait is their knack for finding solutions to a wide range of problems, from fixing furniture to navigating the complexities of child adoption.

Personally, my fixation on security has become almost overwhelming. The fear of failure looms so large that I often sacrifice the present to ensure the future. Take food, for example—I typically eat only half and set aside the rest, believing I need to save some for

tomorrow, even if I won’t eat it. It’s only once I’ve secured that little bit for later that I find peace. It’s as if an eternal battle for survival rages within me, driving a perpetual desire to have or acquire things, especially material possessions, as a means of guaranteeing a secure future. (Sandra)

Perhaps the most significant need, or one closest to the core, of the Self-Preservation 3 is inclusion—the sense of participation or belonging. Melanie Klein had a unique way of describing how the gaze of others shapes, structures, and validates one’s existence. It appears that the Self-Preservation 3 has not fully emancipated itself from this fundamental need and spends its life relentlessly seeking this gaze, much like a pursuer.

This leads to two significant interconnected dynamics: an innocent, self-assured, and optimistic openness, coupled with suspicion and disillusionment—the belief that “I won’t receive anything from others if I don’t do anything to get it.”

Above all else, the desire for belonging and recognition takes precedence. The notion that “there’s no love for me as I am” might seem irrational, yet it has its roots in real experiences within the family during infancy. The family does embrace the E3 child as part of the family unit, but not for who they truly are. In response to this distortion, the child ends up adopting a behavioral strategy to secure the feeling of acceptance within the family. This blending of two realms of existence during early childhood is illuminated by the following account:

We lived in a small house with my grandmother and my paternal uncle, lacking any sense of privacy. My family did not accept my vitality, anger, or sensitivity. Whenever conflicts arose between my siblings, my parents would physically restrain me. I was the strongest and most energetic, and it was easier to send me to a corner than address the disputes. My family could not handle such a vivacious child with so much energy, and felt compelled to compulsively castrate me. My need for acceptance and security was so intense that I overlooked the fact that others intended to harm me; hence was born my naïve kindness, which persists even when others exploit it to take advantage of me. (Ferran)

The Self-Preservation 3’s aspiration is to reestablish contact and fusion with the other. This leads to an overwhelming need to be virtuous while avoiding coming to terms with the other’s destructive intent towards them. Consequently, in the midst of a conflict, they fail to perceive the genuine nature of the relationship and construct an idealized image of the other person (in addition to their self-image as a virtuous individual) that absolves them. They neglect to recognize that if the person doesn’t fulfill their needs, they may persist in acting destructively.

What motivates the Self-Preservation 3 to behave in this way? Likely, it stems from a profound sense of loss:

As a child, I once experienced an unbearable pain connected to survival. I cried out, “Let me live; I simply wish to live in peace. Why do they seek to harm me when I haven’t wronged them, and I’ve only wished them well?” It was a heartrending cry of loss and an acknowledgment of the reality of the world, which differed from my internal experience. As a child, I had no other choice but to disconnect from my true self, adopt the role of the righteous, and fulfill the other’s desires and needs. It was a matter of pure survival, as I couldn’t be independent at that time. (Ferran)

From this longing to belong also arises the belief that the love of the other must be earned through actions. These actions have external origins (“I do what is expected of me, not what I feel, desire, or need”) and serve an internal purpose: obtaining recognition, which the Self-Preservation 3 constantly craves. To achieve this, they comply with other people’s demands while suppressing their own needs. This approach fails to bring genuine satisfaction, as only the neurotic need is fulfilled, perpetuating an unending cycle of seeking approval without revealing their true self: “I must be the best so that you approve of me.” The need persists because it is never truly satisfied. It is a yearning for recognition that originates from the wrong place.

The Self-Preservation 3, therefore, lacks genuine confidence that by simply being themselves, they can receive what they need. In essence, the idea of receiving without effort seems unimaginable to them. Their inner dialogue leads to the conclusion, “If I desire something, I must earn it,” resulting in the absence of selfless love, which is their true requirement: to be loved for who they are, not for what they do.

It’s as if I don’t think I have enough; I always want to have more and more, and that’s why work becomes so important—the guarantee of survival. It’s as if I think I can’t rest. I need to do a lot today because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. The pressure to maintain relationships, friendships, and material possessions is overwhelming: I am always focused on showcasing efficiency, practicality, dynamism, courage, kindness, love, dedication, and adaptability. (Sandra)

Another neurotic need of the conservative E3 is determination, the ability to achieve. There is an implicit assumption: “If I try hard enough, I will get it.” There’s no room for the concept of receiving freely, and there’s an internal “no” (“I am not”) as well as an external “no” (“there is none”); the compulsion is to do in order to be.

During a retreat to Brazil, I was deeply impacted by the concept of “attitude” that Daime (the experience) presented to me. It was a powerful word that influenced me throughout the year. I found myself constantly rationalizing my attitude, thinking, “I need to do this, I should do that,” and I once again fell into a state of external action and a kind of paranoia, particularly in my relationship with my partner. I began to do, do, do, searching for external attitudes to heal my emotions.

I continued to suppress my emotions and damage, and I realized that my denial stemmed from a strong sense of superiority, with the firm belief that “I can save myself; I have the strength to cure myself. I can save others and even the world.” In my eagerness to save, it felt like I was seeking validation from God Himself, as if I were almost an angel. It was as if I needed God to recognize my angelic qualities and draw me closer to Him. In this pursuit, I denied all that was human, instinctive, and visceral, as if these aspects separated me from the Divine. In reality, it was my current experiences that separated me from my inner divinity, my truth. While I had everything well explained and understood, I found it incredibly challenging. That’s when I realized that Daime was asking for an inner attitude, one that required me to first discover my own truth and embrace it, regardless of how others might react. Whether the other person is happy or not is their concern; my primary concern is to find peace within myself. (Gisele)

The passion of the Self-Preservation 3 is characterized by a constant need to be seen without completely surrendering, as if they are always on display. This deep need for acknowledgment arises from a feeling of not having been perceived sufficiently. Some individuals describe a sense of abandonment, expressing sentiments like, “I wasn’t seen the way I needed to be seen.” This may explain their desire to exhibit themselves—to draw attention, albeit discreetly, so as not to be overt. As Maribel puts it, “I don’t enjoy being invisible, but even less so being in the spotlight for the wrong reasons.”

In their quest to be noticed, and due to their unwavering commitment to this display, Self-Preservation 3s find it challenging to step out of the spotlight and embrace intimacy. Nonetheless, there exists a profound longing for someone to recognize the insincerity of this position and come to their rescue. As Vera expresses it, it’s like yearning for “a prince or princess who knows how to play the rusty strings of passion and love.”

In the absence of external support, conservatives have learned from an early age to live outside themselves: “I only exist if I am looked at,” “I am only looked at if I am useful.” Here are some core ideas, according to various testimonies, that trigger their commitment:

• I learned to forget about myself in order to survive. • If I reveal my needs, I’ll end up alone. • I deny spontaneous existence: it’s better if I become someone else.

• I struggle to surrender to myself, preventing myself from truly embracing who I am. I exercise self-control because there’s no one “looking out for me.” • There’s an inner belief that no one can support me, and that love is contingent upon my actions. • The measuring stick is not my own. • What I like is not important. • I need to please, to shine above all, as a guarantee that I will be loved, respected, or valued; that I can exist. • I simultaneously fear that I lack inherent worth, yet feel certain that I must rely on myself and be self-sufficient. • I demonstrate to myself the capacity to do, achieve, and speak with authority. By proving this to myself, I gain the assurance that I exist and that I’m living “correctly.” No one can point at me and declare me worthless or order, “Off with you.” • I have a terrible fear of social death, of being erased. • Fear of criticism acts as a driving force, motivating me to improve. I won’t get “caught” again. • I have a high tolerance for physical discomfort. Although my body complains about overexertion, I interpret it as a ‘weakness’ that must be concealed and disregarded. • I believe that if I stop, what’s the point? I lack awareness of my physiological needs as ‘authentic.’ It is a hindrance to have a body and to take care of it.

In conclusion, the core need of the conservative E3 is security. And what is the underlying mechanism that leads them there? A fundamental fear of dying.

As they detach from their childhood roots, they find themselves without the internal support of self-identity and lacking the external protection from the adults who should safeguard them. This is when they begin to perceive the real possibility of facing death in a world that seems hostile or foreign—an external universe with which they can only connect if they disconnect from their own true selves. The fear of dying sometimes consumes their consciousness, prompting them to adopt a strategy of escaping existential anguish, making them a mere function of the expectations and desires of others. They surrender to the will of those upon whom their life seems to depend, resulting in an ontic obscurity that prevents them from recognizing that their existence, in reality, is not contingent on others but is inherently connected to their own being.

This journey into the core reveals the dynamic foundation of E3, which is underpinned by the passion of E6: fear. It’s not difficult to understand how this fear of survival emerges because surrendering one’s being to others implies placing one’s life in the hands of those others. To actualize one’s own personality, it becomes essential to individualize and differentiate oneself:

So far, I’ve done the impossible to avoid losing someone, even if they didn’t value me at all. My crazy idea was: “If I’m good and fulfill their needs, they’ll love me; I won’t lose them.” Now, I’m beginning to live based on reality, not by creating an idealized image of the other or my ‘goodness.’

I’ve been able to embark on this journey from the moment I distanced myself from that person, started to differentiate, and gained perspective. The first step was acknowledging the importance of what is mine, understanding my right to be and express myself as I am. Once I reached this point, and faced with their neuroses, I learned to remain within myself and cope with the possibility of losing them. (Ferran)

“You may think you’re dominating me, but deep down, I’ll be the one seducing and controlling you. I’ll become so indispensable to you that you’ll depend on me, yet I’ll never fully commit to you. When you start expecting more from me, I won’t give it to you; I’ll somehow distance myself and reject you. I will do to you what you did to me.” That’s the game: getting my way without being too obvious about it. (Javier)

Beneath the pain of feeling isolated in the world—when, during childhood, E3 didn’t feel seen or allowed to be themselves—and the sense of emptiness, stemming from the absence of external validation and self-identity, emerges an acute fear of mortality. This fear is accompanied by the development of vanity as a defense mechanism to evade the existential fear lurking between the realms of survival and death. The path to therapeutic hope and self-realization lies in acknowledging the intrinsic worth of one’s existence and confronting the fear that resides beneath the emptiness.