Interpersonal Strategies

The Mother of All Strategies: Concealment

There is one overarching strategy behind all others that the Sexual 5 employs to seek, maintain, and sabotage relationships: practically no strategy is explicit. They rarely pursue their desires directly or express themselves openly. Generally, their strategies are concealed, waiting for the other person to take the initiative.

“This is how I used to interact with boys, carefully choosing the one I considered the most perfect among them. But I never came close to expressing my feelings. I cultivated relationship after relationship through fleeting glances and some visual exchanges. I let them take the initiative. I knew how to wait backstage while they performed.” —Maria Luisa F.

“I am more active than I seem: I manipulate the other person to come to me. There is a form of seduction that approaches the other without appearing to do so.” —Maria G.

This strategy reveals irrational ideas born from a lack of affection and internal resources to deal with tangible relationships. This deficiency gives rise to typical devaluation and arrogance as a counterbalance to their fear of abandonment and betrayal, as well as a sense of having no rightful place in life.

The Strange Strategy of the Sexual 5

The strange strategy of the Sexual 5, a mixture of detachment and counterphobia, fits into the phrase "being together without being together." With its strong desire for contact and to stand out, this character demands trust and intimacy (neurotic) with the chosen person. Now, emotional distance is their way of safeguarding internal balance, and this involves physical distance. In this dichotomy of distance versus close contact, the crazy idea is: "It's safer to be alone, even though I can't stay alone."

"That was a strategy I developed very early in life, as a way not to be so attacked by my mother's yelling and explosions, as well as my brother's invasions. That's why I adopted this attitude as an ideal for life. Today, I realize that I became just a spectator and that I didn't live the relational life I dreamed of." - Alexandre V.

"Of course, there is the fear of losing the other when the relationship is already established, but also a strong desire not to suffer interference in my way of being and thinking. Sometimes, it's simply the desire not to be interrupted while I'm thinking or doing something. In these circumstances, I 'leave' my body there, while my mind stays busy with what I wanted to do." - Maria Luisa F.

This interpersonal strategy of distancing from others may seem very paradoxical to the idea of a relationship because, as we saw in Chapters 1 and 2, how can there be a relationship when one party wants to stay away due to fear, which generates distance? Even with the strong desire to be close. The Sexual 5 can't relate. How to reconcile this with the sexual instinct? The counterphobic attitude of fully opening up to the other when they think they've found the person who should fill them is the solution found by the sexual miser.

This character remains closed and fearful, a fear that doesn't fade and doesn't receive much, resulting in anxiety and unconscious internal conflicts. As a result of the contradictory being together without being together, they combine aggressive anti-invasion and anti-abandonment protection with their need for union. The Sexual 5 doesn't find a balance between surrender and protection. They remain in the total darkness of detachment or in the blindness promoted by the "bright" excess of surrender.

The Marketing of Arrogance

They bring others closer through the marketing of arrogance, a subtle form of seduction that intimidates others when they try to approach, until at the slightest sign of openness from the Sexual 5, they fall into their grasp. Often, the relationship will remain in these terms of dominant / dominated.

"There were several people who, after starting some type of relationship, told me about the fear they felt when approaching me. I, in fact, also wanted to get closer, but felt that access had to be difficult. Deep down, it was the fear of expressing my desire to be with someone and being rejected. I can't stand feeling vulnerable." - Alexandre V.

The Mask of the Wise

Another strategy to attract is the mask of the wise, the philosopher who, thanks to his superior virtues, has achieved such balance that he is not disturbed by human affairs, like ordinary people. In other words, he uses his neurotic trait of detachment, implying that he is the balanced fruit of spiritual work. He hides that it is a defensive façade with which he camouflages his awkwardness and social inadequacy. He passes off his pathological detachment (made of coldness and indifference to the other's needs) as healthy detachment, with an imperceptible fear of being exposed at any moment, like an imposter. The irrational idea associated with this is: "If they saw me as I truly am, in my human normalcy, they would reject me," or: "If I showed my emotions, they would mock me."

"When I started teaching yoga, it became clear to me that I was selling the image of a 'guru.' My students saw me as a very determined person, admired me for the serenity I radiated, for my calmness... They would never suspect that I was tormented, dissatisfied, insecure, and knew far less than I let on. Due to this discrepancy between the image I was presenting and my inner experience, I knew I was a liar and felt very guilty about it. That's how, out of fear of being found out, I became more rigid in my role as the wise one, increasing the distance between them and me." - Piero A.

The Rebellion

The Sexual 5 is often presented as a rebel, also to attract. A reserved rebel, without fanfare; rarely manifesting outside the socially established. Anchored rebellion results in critical and aggressive isolation that reveals great distrust. They feel different from others, sometimes superior, sometimes inferior, and follow the strategy of living on the periphery. Examples of this are Rousseau and Nietzsche, who preferred an isolated life but demanded

relationships that intensely criticized society and culture and attracted precisely through their rebellious ideas and attitudes.

"Besides my shyness and lack of financial resources to dress up and go out with the boys from my school, whom I couldn't stand in many ways, I discovered that, by being the opposite of them, a few people sought contact with me. Even so, I didn't stop feeling inferior to those people I criticized and tried to hide this feeling from myself, showing myself as different, superior. There is rebellion against social conventions and 'formal' behaviors. Experienced only internally (and rarely externalized), it serves a triple function: It protects me from the feeling of 'constriction and invasion' I feel when I'm forced to follow behaviors I disapprove of and whose meaning I don't understand; it allows me to feel superior and judge the uncritical ways of the 'flock of sheep'; and I distinguish myself through this 'different' behavior." - Michele C.

The irrational ideas associated with these relationship dynamics are: "Others don't understand me," "I am special," "It's better not to speak because they won't understand me either," and "They don't meet my standards."

Intellectual or Artistic Seduction

There had to be an intellectual or artistic seduction strategy. Sexual, very mental, and with a somewhat chaotic emotional life, they nurture the strong belief that through their knowledge, with which they try to organize their world, they will attract the other, who will then love and admire them.

It is common for people of this subtype to do something artistic. They are also motivated by the irrational idea that "I can only be loved if I do something special." If you have some kind of charm. Here we find one of the craziest ideas most ingrained in their psyche: confusing love with enchantment. A very similar dynamic to that of the Sexual 5, with the difference that the latter invests a lot of energy to convince how special they are, while the five idealizes the other who will one day discover them as a special being; meanwhile, they save their energy and remain paralyzed.

"When I was twenty-four years old, my first girlfriend left me, and I ran away to India because of the pain, spending months there writing poems. In my naive grandeur, I narcissistically fantasized that I would become a famous 'damned poet,' and that she, by reading and admiring me, would eventually come back to me. My 'art' was merely a seductive tool created to win back my love." - Michele C.

"I ended up realizing my rebellion through art as well: it's very easy for me to make art when I'm free to create on my own, but if there's a commission, a deadline, or a client,

everything becomes impossible, too much effort. I can't focus on the other's desire. It becomes an 'obligation,' and I don't do it anymore." - Mara G.

Seduction with Force

Another way to attract is by presenting oneself as strong and without needs. The Sexual 5 plays the role of listener, psychologist, the one who can support and sustain. It's the intimate friend to whom you reveal your deepest secrets. However, they don’t trust; the irrational idea associated is: "If I am fragile and needy, no one will be able to support me." In fact, they’ve never had the experience of being heard and understood emotionally and mentally, and therefore, they don’t 'know' that this is possible. But since they are driven by the desire for intimacy, they are ready to listen and offer support. Their psychological autonomy, therefore, is used in a seductive way. In this manner, they gain admiration while maintaining distance from their true need for power.

"They always considered me the best friend, the confidant to whom they reveal their most intimate secrets. I learned this role of a good listener very early on from my mother, who always praised my sensitivity and said I was the only one capable of understanding her. But she never listened to me, so I never learned what it means to be able to open up and feel understood." - Piero A.

Another irrational belief is so ingrained that it is invisible to them: If I show my fragility, I will break. The Sexual 5, due to not having received adequate maternal emotional support, is dominated by the anguish of fragmentation. Their decision was to not feel emotions because there was no one on the other side to capture them. They don’t feel them and don't show them.

Strategies for Maintaining Relationships

The relational structure of the Sexual 5 is based on "lack," "scarcity," and the desire to satisfy their needs, to fall into the arms of the other due to a need for something they don’t have, reflecting and reinforcing their sense of inferiority.

Meanwhile, they will try to compensate for their lack of self-image with some inflationary trick of their ego, which sometimes results in competition with others and, as always, in a disguised manner. They usually seek to demonstrate superiority in knowledge or a certain quality of being emotionally untouchable, of invulnerability. This strategy is a way to gain power in relationships, achieving their select group of friends, their idealized partner, and even professional relationships, again with silent arrogance. There’s a halo of resentment,

an irrational idea that "needing the other is a form of humiliation." And another, even crazier: "By competing and trying to show that I’m superior, I will overcome my need and fear of abandonment"; a defensive contraphobia against their invalidating feeling of inferiority.

"I felt emotionally dependent, had no professional success, lived in an existential swamp; until one day, during a marital crisis, my wife expressed that she was trying to be the best she could and always felt diminished by my side. This was my lie and my protection, because 'you are so evolved.' This was my lie and my protection." - Alexandre V.

Avoiding Conflict and Emotional Withdrawal

"I remember a discussion with my husband - trivial - and I began to distance myself and think: 'What am I doing?' And I simply became silent. He looked at me and said: 'Aren’t you going to defend your point of view?' And I answered, arrogantly: 'No! I know I'm right!'" - Maria G.

The Sexual 5 seeks to avoid conflicts, precisely due to a need for harmony, as they lack the strength to confront and find it difficult to connect with their aggressiveness, which they imagine to be destructive. The conflicting presence of the other throws them off balance, destabilizes them, and makes them give up on themselves, letting themselves be carried away by circumstances. They prefer to relinquish their own needs and desires due to the irrational belief that "if I confront, I will be abandoned," which exposes the crazy idea that "I don’t have the right to demand."

Inevitably, the avoidance of conflict leads to a strategy of adaptability. By not confronting, they give a lot of space to the other’s needs, pretending to show true dedication when that’s not the case.

"After my father's death, I had a violent dispute with my sister. For two months, we didn’t speak, and she even threatened not to attend my wedding. Although I was right and she was wrong, I still felt guilty. In the end, I was the one who reached out to her for fear of losing her. In conflicts, I don’t recognize the right to demand or ask: I always justify the other because I imagine their needs are more important than mine." - Michele C.

"The avoidance of conflict doesn’t occur when I believe I’m respecting certain fundamental rights that concern me and affect my dignity or freedom. And the conflict is then presented as an intellectual or clever challenge, not as a direct confrontation based on my ability to assert myself as a person." - Piero A.

This neurotic adaptability coexists with the irrational belief that "it’s better to withdraw than to try to adapt," behind which lies another crazy idea: "The other doesn’t matter so much, with their needs." Of course, their needs aren’t that important either, because the need that governs is the neurotic one, for trust and intimacy, which "takes possession of the other’s soul." From there, they can relinquish the rest of their needs and adapt, which ends up absolving them from responsibility for their own life. As long as, of course, the other comes with few demands. And that’s how their existential condition is perpetuated: being with the other, yet creating their own solitude.

"I’ve always considered it taboo to be selfish and unavailable. Often, I would say 'yes' when I really wanted to say 'no,' agreeing to do things for the other that I didn’t want to do. I was unable to refuse. As a result, I felt trapped in the relationship. The only possibility was to escape and keep my distance, out of reach of their requests." - Piero A.

This submission is only apparent because, in a conflict, Sexual 5s remain hidden, silently judging and secretly belittling the other to compensate for their excessive adaptability.

The Sexual 5 cannot admit contradictory feelings and attitudes in the relationship. They don’t understand, for example, that love and aggressiveness can coexist in the same person, as their own aggressiveness remains repressed and unconscious. Here lies another reflection of psychic split: they are unable to integrate opposing aspects of the other, nor do they perceive their own, and above all, they don't know how to handle emotions. A Sexual 5 may inconsistently live with "cold" and "rationalizing" attitudes, but when it comes to emotions, they lose their balance. And, as always, they remain silent.

This unconscious aggressiveness eventually becomes a critical attitude and judgment, turning the Sexual 5 into someone predisposed to resentment, unable to let go and let things pass.

The Cowardice of Not Confronting

The cowardice of not confronting denotes the idea of having few rights in life, but there is an even greater cowardice in not giving the other person the opportunity to defend themselves, explain themselves, or redeem themselves, thus hindering an agreement and a mature relationship between the parties. Acting this way, in an attempt to maintain the relationship, is the beginning of its sabotage.

"With some important friends in my life with whom I argued, I simply listened to their arguments and then left. Just like that: leaving, without mentioning the subject again and not reaching out to them. Two of them I never saw again. It was a strong disappointment, a

disillusionment that left me depressed for several days. After that, the person was definitely eliminated." - Mara G.

"Instead of honestly expressing my disagreement, I withdraw. In this way, I accumulate so many 'unspoken' things that, in the end, it becomes impossible to get them out: I am filled with resentment and fear that I won’t be able to control my anger. To some extent, I renounce the relationship, silently killing the other without them realizing anything." - Michele C.

Strategies That Sabotage Relationships

It’s easy to see that a Sexual 5 is seeking a relationship closed off from others. And, once acquired, they also make it difficult to establish an implicit (of course) pact of trust and intimacy, as well as demand and infallibility (from the other, of course). "I will be your friend, yes; but our relationship must be perfect. You cannot disappoint me."

If the trust pact is broken, the Sexual 5 isolates themselves and destroys the relationship.

"When my partner shows that they are not my ideal of perfection, after a period of blind dependence, I begin to lose interest: I am losing love. Implicitly, I have the fantasy that 'if she is not perfect, she is not the right person for me.' If she falls from the divine pedestal I created for her, I have the tendency to cut her off from my feelings and admiration." - Alexandre V.

With this demand and annihilation mechanism, the Sexual 5 closes the path to a more human form of love. Since this experience did not exist in their life, they idealize it. And that’s how the opportunity to experience something more real is lost. This implicit pact, where they demand perfection, with the subsequent failure of the other to meet these expectations, leads the Sexual 5 to the solution of a lack of love. This strategy to avoid the pain of being hurt, betrayed, or abandoned is an attitude of withdrawal. With revenge for the disappointment of unmet expectations and the crazy idea: "You don’t deserve my unconditional love; you didn’t earn it with your effort. And since you didn’t earn it, I shouldn’t give it to you freely."

"It’s extremely difficult to accept the other as they are: their moods, inconsistencies, and above all, the fact that they don’t live just for me. I am very slow to trust the other, but very quick to eliminate trust. In the relationship with the Master (and with the therapist), I don’t let myself be guided. As soon as I get too confident, I’m ready to find flaws that devalue them, which in my defensive idealization, they must be 'perfect,' above all strong and directive, qualities my father didn’t have. I withdraw my admiration, devalue them, and distance myself. This satisfies my neurotic need to maintain a safe distance." - Piero A.

Finally, another way in which the E5 sabotages the relationship is through excessive transparency. They confess everything about themselves, even the negative behaviors that might be more harmful to them. They behave like a child with an absolutely good mother who is allowed to tell her everything, because in her infinite expectation, she will always forgive and accept them unconditionally.

Excessive Transparency in Relationships

Thus, in a couple's relationship, the sexual man reveals his betrayals and infidelities, or even simply his intention to be unfaithful by going out with other women, or his fears and doubts related to not loving his partner (absolutely, as he would like to).

Well, this excess of truth is, in reality, a false transparency, a misunderstanding of what true transparency or a healthy intimacy between adults would be, where there are boundaries and limits that must be respected. This excess of transparency is an ambivalent behavior because, by exposing himself so much, what the Sexual 5 does is challenge and test the couple. He is asking them to stay, no matter what happens: "Even though I’m not sure I love you completely, you love me the same way, right? You’ll stay with me, won’t you?" And, at the same time, he encourages them to leave: "I’ve told you everything and I’m at peace with myself. If you leave me, the decision is yours, not mine." This way, he’ll have the perfect excuse to be alone again, once again in search of an ideal and unattainable love.

In any case, keep emotional distance. The Sexual 5, in fact, by telling everything to the other person, seemingly surrenders, but in reality, he escapes, hides, and avoids taking responsibility, avoiding choosing and taking a stand. The crazy idea is that total transparency can spare him from the triple responsibility of feeling what he feels, trusting what he wants, and deciding.