Persona And Shadow: What Is Destructive For You And Others

According to Jung, the persona is an archetypal impulse to adapt to external and collective reality. In childhood, generally, our roles are determined by paternal and maternal expectations, which the child will try to fulfill. This is how the child adopts behaviors that align with what is expected of them, or what they think is expected of them, and creates a mask that shows a collectively accepted side, while hiding (repressing) what does not align with what they believe is expected of them. This established mask usually becomes unconscious: this shadow will act autonomously in their psyche, invading their consciousness and causing them to behave in ways they would never do with a sound mind.

The persona of Sexual 5 improves when they connect with their instincts and can experience pleasure, enjoyment, and aggressiveness as a way to go after what they want. A good tool to achieve this is through movement or body work, which helps us embody ourselves in our bodies and feel on an emotional level, bringing us into the present.

“This connection brought me, the first time I did it, a dream in which I was eaten by a baby. I think this is a denied aspect of the Five, the fear of being devoured by it and, at the same time, wanting love as a way of incorporating it within oneself.” – Mireia D.

The most self-destructive thing is the demand with which the Sexual 5 is treated and spoken to. It takes the form of an obsessive thought that you cannot escape, tiring yourself more than you already are and creating a vicious cycle. What they did is never enough; they can always give more, they can always take better care of others, they are always to blame for how things go wrong. They always could have worked harder than they did, and they are exhausted because they did so much but don’t realize how tired they are; they still think they could have done more.

“As in my relationship with my mother, there was no love, but it was marked by coldness, strict attention to needs, and invasion. I grew up believing that I had to hide my need for a bond, that it was something I couldn’t have, and even less, show. I hid it so deeply within myself that I didn’t even know I had it.” – Mireia D.

“Having to hold up the mask of self-sufficiency, of not needing the other, isolates me, dehumanizes me. I have to make a huge effort for the pain, my insecurity, and my fear of the other. I repress the desire to calmly ask for help and the presence of someone, and I start hurting myself internally.” – Mara G.

Neurotic behavior, therefore, is the belief that a person does not need others or have needs, that they almost don’t even have to exist. Distrust and the renouncement of having to do things alone, believing that the best way to be is without addressing these unmet infant needs, or that someone will come one day to cover them.

And then they mistreat, from one demand to the next, when the other doesn’t meet their expectations, which happens at some point in the relationship. At the same time, it is demanded that they do not need the other. It’s linked to how a relationship should be, with duties and obligations. And they get very angry when the other does not comply and then gets irritated and asks for explanations.

“The first time I gave myself sexually, the person left me. The next night I dreamt I killed this person. Soon after, a friend told me her partner left her, and she was very sad. The next night, I dreamt I was teaching my friend how to kill a man. It felt like the most natural thing in the world.”

Another neurotic way of not feeling the pain of not having what you need, i.e., love and affection, is doing many things, especially occupying all your time with work. Not leaving any free time to be without doing anything. This leads to exhaustion and possible physical discomfort, all while they are not with their partner because they are so busy. Or they have many friends to meet or seduce, as a way of not deepening any relationship.

Having never experienced intimate relationships means that when they do establish one, they don’t know how to do it for love and dedication; therefore, they never give themselves to the other, keeping a part only in case. There, they hurt the other, who never feels like they have them, and also hurt themselves because they have to maintain a constant state of alert, as if living in survival mode, unable to relax with others.

This idea that you don’t need anyone can lead to you, when someone hurts you deeply, putting up a wall between you and deciding the other no longer exists.

“I call this ‘doing harakiri.’ I have a fantasy of being able to withdraw my emotional world so that I don’t care anymore. What I do practically is stop seeing this person, imagining they no longer exist.” – Mireia D.

“I don’t take responsibility for my life by blaming others. I became inert and resentful. My resentment leads to subtle revenge: from victim to aggressor, with isolation and a broken heart. With the distance, I attack the other, but I also deprive myself of contact. And I also hurt myself by not expressing my anger: I self-destruct and sabotage my life; I don’t accept myself, I don’t forgive myself for my mistakes, just as I don’t forgive others.” – Alexandre V.

By denying the need for bonds but with the real need for contacts to survive, they adapt. This leads them to relationships where they are used and exploited. They are not very

aware when this happens; they don’t register it, just as they don’t notice when they are the exploiter. Being disconnected from themselves and others, they don’t value what they have or what they know; they might give money or hours of work, or not give anything when asked by someone who really needs it, because they are not aware of what it cost them or others to follow something or ask for something.

Sexual 5 is called the “tightrope walker” because when they have a desire, they expect the other to satisfy it immediately, and this is a way of using others.

“The most hidden thing is a fantasy of being someone’s slave, someone who wants you very much, tortures you by giving you pleasure, and has no will but completely surrenders. This was the only thing I had to recognize about myself from everything I discovered about myself.” – Mireia D.

Sexual 5 is one of the most seductive characters of the Enneagram. Their seduction is aimed at “finding” the soulmate that will restore total trust, which they will never truly feel as such because they are inherently distrustful.

The dedication that appears when they fall in love with their romanticism makes the other believe in their availability, until the selfish romantic reveals themselves, wanting the other to accept them unconditionally and conform to their rhythm and needs, who knows? Guessing what they want and, at the same time, keeping them in the corner they defined for them. They also expect the other’s romantic ventures to be accepted without distancing, because in the end, what they are seeking is a mother who takes them and hugs them despite everything.

This also manifests in their sexuality, which is more about seeking skin contact than instinct.

“My desire for unconditional love and my possessiveness end up ‘sucking’ the other’s soul, taking their freedom and spontaneity. I remain in the selfishness of greed, the one of only receiving, the one of only obtaining satisfaction.” – Alexandre V.