Love

Regarding the three main forms of love (according to Claudio Naranjo: paternal love of an admiring-devotional type, maternal love of a caring-compassionate type, and infantile, erotic-sensual love), the Self-Preservation 6 finds, from the outset, difficulties expressing admiration and devotion because admiration and appreciation have been lacking in his life.

An admiration and appreciation that have often come together, in the father figure, with threats and punishment. So the Self-Preservation 6 has confused authority with authoritarianism and, therefore, suspicion and distrust make it difficult for him to admire a teacher, a mentor, or a guide. Admiration is always mixed with this conflict with authority, which prevents him from surrendering to the devotional aspect.

At the same time, the Self-Preservation 6 needs to experience a good father, with whom the authority conceived as protection and guidance can be lived in its full affective dimension through trust. In reality, his neurotic attitude is that he seeks the protection of an authority figure, rather than an authority figure. In doing so, he prevents himself from having an experience with a good authority and, consequently, ends up rebelling against the very protection he seeks.

This search has its origin in a feeling of personal weakness and not in a loving or creative attitude. For this reason, once he finds it, he relativizes it, devalues it, criticizes it, as if there

were a taboo, an impossibility of truly giving oneself, of recognizing and loving the superiority of the other with gratitude.

On the path of personal development, one of the most important aspects of transformation is learning that authority and authoritarianism are not so closely linked. This shocks him: it makes him feel all the denied need for reception, and also that there is no shame in seeking authority and protection; in a word, feeling the dignity of that necessity. Upon this realization comes a feeling of peace and acceptance.

However, this is one of the most difficult stages because the taboos of losing autonomy, giving oneself up, and then being betrayed are always present in a paranoid thought that finds confirmation at every step that it is better not to trust.

Regarding maternal, caring-compassionate love, the Self-Preservation 6 has the ability to feel it for others and for himself and to manifest it. However, it fulfills a manipulative function because, by being protective, he feels more secure in being accepted. Caring for others is a commodity to receive attention, recognition, and love in return.

This manipulative aspect is seen more clearly if we compare it with the underlying egoism of E6, as well as of schizoids in general. It is not disinterested care, but to obtain a self-validation that it would not achieve otherwise. More than taking care of him, the Self-Preservation 6 assures the other of contact and closeness. Somehow, he takes charge of the other's need not to be abandoned, thanks to the projection of his own need and the childhood experience of the relationship with a mother to whom he was forced to cling to avoid leaving her "alone."

Regarding himself, compassion is very low due to the hypercritical and devaluing aspect of a strong and sometimes ruthless superego. Therefore, taking care of oneself, not only from a physical point of view but also psychologically and emotionally, is often a lacking aspect in Self-Preservation 6.

Deepening the path of self-awareness develops a broader capacity for compassion towards oneself and, therefore, a greater willingness to care for oneself, understand oneself, and accept one's needs and fragility. This goes hand in hand with the awareness of the need to move out of the childish attitude of dependency and enter adult life. Caring love is then transformed into something more "pure," also towards others, less manipulative; it loses its commercial function. It moves on the basis of true generosity, not from the exchange of "I give to receive."

The third form of love is that of the child, which corresponds to erotic, playful love. Sensual and instinctive love, as the free affirmation of one's desires, contrasts with the decision not to confront others, not to expose one's needs, not to make oneself visible too much, to be

prudent, to live a little hidden. Therefore, it is the loving facet that Self-Preservation 6 develops least, which learns to convince itself that it is not that important either, neither that nor the instinctive side in general. This leads him to choose partners who are not threatening in this regard and who accept this situation. At times, he feels a strong lack of the instinctive part and can break the couple pact. The path of transformation passes through erotic love, through the recovery not only of greater freedom but also of greater joy and satisfaction in living instinctively, with less concern for the less controlled aspects of oneself and less controllable aspects of others.

The Couple Relationship

Already during adolescence, with the emergence of the first sexual desires, the passivity learned in childhood is directed toward the opposite sex. A strong desire to be welcomed (evoking the maternal experience) joins the refuge in melancholic and romantic fantasies, which take the place of action and unexpressed desire.

In this adolescent period, crushes are frequent, marked by a great idealization of the other, often not declared for fear of rejection, and which, in some way, become a "mortgage" for future relationships. These are generally characterized by an afflicted attitude that prevents Self-Preservation 6 from experiencing lightness and joy in their relationship with others.

In my third year of high school, I fell madly in love with a classmate with whom I also saw during the summer at the beach. I declared myself to her unsuccessfully after much doubt. I kept seeing her in the group of friends, and I felt jealous every time she paid attention to someone else. It was a very strong feeling: I thought of her every day until I finished high school, by which point it was clear that our paths had to separate because she had chosen a different college than mine.

Self-Preservation 6s are familiar. Due to their insecurity, they need a partner as another source of support in their lives.

I married a woman with clear ideas (Enneagram Type One, I think sexual subtype) and enough energy to carry them out. I felt protected by her side, and that protection allowed me to do things I liked. She helped me choose what I wanted to do, partly by discarding my own absurd and unrealizable ideas.

The couple offers them emotional support.

In love, I was always drawn to intensity, to people I appreciated for their energy and passion—those I felt I could trust and who could see me as an ally. I appreciated them but

could also let them see my dark, delicate, and weak side (if someone loved me unconditionally and uncritically, I would doubt their intelligence).

In my long-term relationships, I’ve always looked for people who would contain me, who would put a brake on me, who somehow felt equal to me but who, in other ways, depended on me (for example, not knowing how to drive or having a lower economic status than mine).

Sexuality is usually closely related to affectivity, which becomes a kind of guarantee of self-acceptance, also in the sexual aspect, in which there is insecurity and little contact with instinctiveness.

Sex is, above all, a shortcut to gaining trust and closeness—intimacy. For years, I’ve only been friends with ex-lovers, and I have often wanted to make love at least once with my friends, as if I could feel close only to people who have perceived my body, who have hugged me at least one night, naked.

Affective relationships are tormented at first, due to feelings of low self-esteem and an avoidance of commitment.

They are often characterized by a "give and take," and especially at the beginning, can be very confrontational. Their consolidation usually goes through a break with family patterns and a "rebellion" against the father.

At the end of the year, I met my future wife. At that time, she had a boyfriend, but she began to invite me to parties at her house, and an interest in me arose on her part. I say "on her part" because I didn’t even dream of it. I saw her as older, confident, and experienced. I didn’t even know we could be together. I didn’t even ask myself if I liked her or not; it seemed so out of place. But after a summer of exams, our relationship began. This coincided with my definitive rebellion against the harsh climate at home and the decision to move to another city and support myself.

During this initial phase, the relationship is fragile and risks breaking up due to insecurity in the choice and doubts, which obscure the perception that the love uniting them can be stronger than the difficulties. Concerns about the obstacles to overcome in order to achieve personal autonomy, particularly at a time in life when you are separating from your family of origin, can negatively influence confidence in the future. The habit of believing that difficulties must be faced can constitute a serious obstacle to developing a common project.

The beginning of the relationship was tormented because I did not understand: she had left her boyfriend and probably expected a more decisive attitude from me. We spent months of "give and take" before starting a relationship that, in the first months, was very contentious. It was as if we were both ashamed to say we were a couple; then, we started studying

together, and the relationship became “institutionalized.” I remember writing entire notebooks filled with reflections on feelings, dreams, and, naturally, problems with my parents—problems that had increased because, tired of the situation, I began working to live alone.

The neurotic need for control and the fear of assuming responsibilities (which would seem "irreversible") are other obstacles that materialize in the evolutionary passages after falling in love: the consolidation and officialization of the relationship, the project of life together, and the birth of children are difficult times. The increase in the level of commitment can be perceived as a limitation of one's own freedom and trigger highly intense emotional reactions.

At other times, the difficulty in expressing what he thinks comes from the fear of hurting and the consequent guilt: it is unacceptable for him to feel that he is the cause of the other’s suffering, especially if the other seems weak and in need of his presence.

Not being able to be assertive, say what I think, and speak directly also has to do with protecting the other, as if they were very sensitive and I had to take care of them (I think I put myself in their place). I treat it with cotton pads, or if I see that something I’m saying is affecting them, I change it...

This also happens with any opinion I express: if I see a bad reaction, I change it and reverse what I said. There are times when I feel like I am moving in a circus with several tracks: what I can say, what I really think, what I feel, and what I anticipate might happen. It is difficult for me to speak directly because there are too many things at stake every time I give my opinion.

The Dependence

Once the relationship is established, the Self-Preservation 6 tends to develop a dependency on the partner, especially if it is a protective and strong person.

What sometimes makes me look for a protector is that I see in the other someone I can take care of for a while, or in areas of life, the surveillance post or control, while I relax or get unstuck. I trust that they will know what to do or will handle certain things that I no longer have the energy to attend to or that don’t interest me as much: so I go and deposit myself in the other.

It is as if, once the initial resistance to trusting the other was overcome, the desire for protection assumed more importance. In this way, Self-Preservation 6 goes from mistrust and rejection of the relationship to the opposite polarity: affective dependence.