Interpersonal Strategy and Associated Irrational Ideas

Each character in the Enneagram employs its own adaptive strategy, along with a particular cognitive defect known as fixation. This interpretation of reality connects with passion and sustains it. Many other convictions about life stem from this core strategy and are also disconnected from the person's current reality, manifesting as irrational or unrealistic ideas.

An irrational idea is a rigid and unrealistic belief that forms part of the person's fundamental values and identity. The person has lost awareness that it is a subjective construction and, instead, experiences it as an absolute truth. It gives meaning to their experiences and provides guidance for their behaviors and relationships with themselves and others. These irrational ideas are usually formed in childhood when adaptation to the environment is the priority. In adulthood, they continue to exert the same influence as they did in childhood, limiting the person's range of adaptive responses. Although the environment has changed, the person still operates with an outdated version.

Self-indulgence is the fixation of E7. While all those with a sweet tooth may indulge themselves, this trait is possibly more pronounced in the Sexual subtype. Forbearance, the tendency to forgive offenses and judge the mistakes of others without severity, might seem like a virtue rather than a fault. However, in E7, this apparent benevolence is manipulative. It is overused for everything and serves to allow the person to do whatever they want and forgive themselves for any failure.

In the Sexual 7, indulgence serves to avoid guilt for hurting others or failing to meet commitments. It supports a false narcissistic image of someone who believes they can do anything, taking pride in avoiding sadness, helplessness, and the sense of failure. Guilt is attributed to life's difficulties or to others. If there is no one to blame, the person simply forgets about the goal to be achieved or the people they have hurt (through the defense mechanism of denial) and shifts attention to the next scenario.

Self-indulgence also utilizes the defense mechanism of deflection, devaluing any unpleasant stimulus so that it fades away without deeply affecting the person. The Sexual 7 is adept at devaluing things they cannot achieve or people who reject them or feel they cannot seduce or win over. They give themselves permission for all kinds of pleasures designed to satisfy their hedonism while avoiding any frustration that might cause discomfort. They justify their indulgence by telling themselves it is okay to do whatever they want, ensuring that others don't get too upset and that they are liked and seen as pleasant.

Such an attitude has serious consequences when it comes to education. The Sexual 7 projects its constant need for meaning onto children. This mechanism makes it difficult for them to establish limits and rules for minors, convincing themselves that freedom and child autonomy are the most important things. They find it hard to contain a child's anger when faced with frustration, just as they struggle to contain their own. They deceive themselves by believing that love is giving permission, when, in fact, it is simply avoiding opposition and justifying their own freedom by granting others limitless permissions. This is a clear manifestation of the narcissistic personality's defense, which cannot accept rejection or authority.

In other words, the Sexual 7 is able to live in the world without formally adhering to rules or requirements, and they do so with the self-confidence of not being noticed. Their behavior is not only unthreatening but also pleasing to others. It is like mixing fire and water without either one being extinguished or evaporating—an art of trickery and mischief.

Once the fantasy of pleasure is activated, it becomes unstoppable, like a snowball in free fall. The only way out is to discharge this level of excitement by not containing it. For example, indulgence in seduction might look like this: "I like this person so much, they are so special, so beautiful, so… The sensation is so overwhelming that I can't contain it, and I must tell them, I must kiss them, it doesn't matter if I have a partner, right now it doesn't matter. Life must be lived, I must be faithful to what I feel…" The person throws fuel onto the fire, justifying the desire to bypass limits—whether imposed or agreed upon. From fantasy, they move to a mirage, and then to a dream, almost hallucinating, experiencing invented and fictitious scenes as real in order to justify any desire to relieve anxiety.

Self-indulgence in the Sexual 7 draws on the ultimate "carpe diem" philosophy (seizing what interests you from the world), dismissing any past commitments under the guise of self-kindness. They avoid thinking about the future or assessing the real consequences of their actions. They justify themselves for their actions, believing they have earned the right to indulge.

This is why the Sexual 7 is often unfaithful, engaging in love affairs they quickly forget about as soon as another person captures their attention, starting the process all over again. Leniency in the Sexual 7 uses an infinite array of justifications. Their rationality is loaded with theories that are extremely flexible and adaptable to the context, always tilted in favor of their own interests. Quackery is the clearest manifestation of this narcissistic behavior.

The Sexual 7 also manages a broader, more flexible moral and value system, which allows them to avoid guilt and remorse while feeling consistent and even good about themselves. As the Zen master says, "If you want to control a cow, don’t keep it in a small barn—better let it graze freely."

The Sexual 7 is a "grantor of indulgences," much like the popes of Rome who sold forgiveness to their parishioners. By allowing others to break the rules, they justify doing the same. This is the strategy: forgive others' transgressions so that they can transgress too. In a mafia-like manner, they create complicity through concealment. While similar to the Self-Preservation subtype, the Sexual 7 does this in a more strategic and hidden way, whereas the Self-Preservation subtype exhibits it more openly, almost narcissistically.

To achieve this, they use their gift of words and quick thinking to charm their "victims," always with a smile. Like a representative of Dionysus on Earth, or even Satan in the desert, they cunningly tempt, knowing how to push the right buttons and using their personal charm to lead others into their field. Granting permission to others is a way of neutralizing potential open criticism and avoiding accountability for their actions. It is an anarchist attitude—where everyone does as they please, and no one interferes. In this absence of restrictions, trust is abused, and others' trust in them is also taken for granted. Of course, all of this is wrapped in a false aura of happiness, pretending not to notice or confront the abuse. Moreover, the Sexual 7, in a more manipulative and even perverse process, may incite others to grant themselves the same permissions.

"I had a very modest and puritanical girlfriend who, on one hand, made me feel like a very good person, but on the other, when she wanted to smoke a joint, she made me feel immoral and lustful. Under the argument that smoking enhanced our sex life and made us connect more deeply, she eventually gave in to smoking. Later, the same process repeated itself with cocaine. Although I felt a certain remorse for seeming like an addict, it quickly passed once I had done the drugs and achieved my goal. Years later, after we had broken

up, I ran into her again, and she was heavily addicted to cocaine. She made a joke, real though, calling me a pervert for introducing her to it. I no longer use it, and I feel really bad."

You may also fool yourself by postponing managing your own actions, telling yourself: “Next time I won’t do it, just one more time.”

"I remember when we were kids, we used to sneak into the neighbor's house to steal figs. With friends, we justified our actions by saying that we'd heard him mention how figs on the ground attract rats to his house. We laughed, thinking of ourselves as tree rats, but we always felt we were doing him a favor. Like we were better than real rats."

Aware of the moral ambiguity of their behavior, the Sexual 7 may self-impose compensatory systems as penance for the permissions they grant themselves: "I know what I did was wrong, but in exchange, I'll do something good in this other way." Of course, the balance between fault and compensation is determined unilaterally by the E7, making justice equally questionable.

In the Italian commedia dell'arte, this character can be recognized as the Harlequin, the "servant of two masters," who typically wears a multicolored suit as a sign of his changing opinions. Alternatively, the E7 justifies their actions with the argument: "Since others do it, I’m allowed to do it too." In all these compensatory situations, the Sexual 7 identifies with an authoritative figure, a reasonable father, or an appropriate normative system. However, just as they rebel against authority and their father, they will eventually rebel against their own internal authority and give in to their desires. They might even justify their actions with childish reasoning, thinking that no one will notice, like a child hiding under a blanket, convinced no one can see them.

"Once my mother asked me how much fruit I had eaten. I told her two apples. She gasped, saying it was impossible because she had only bought one. I was surprised at how she could have known."

At the root of this indulgence may be the benevolence the mother displayed when dealing with her child's mistakes. Her permissiveness, which didn’t set boundaries by breaking the child’s rules, was interpreted by the child as a sign of love. The child felt special and learned to bypass those limits. This evolved into a permanent demand: "Show me you love me by letting me do what I want." Self-indulgence, granting oneself permission to do what they want, reflects an expression of love—initially from the mother and later from the adult to themselves—while setting limits translates into heartbreak.

We see parents who even suggest to their child how to avoid consequences:

"When I was seven years old, I stole money from the teacher who left her purse in class. She found out and told my father. Later, at dinner, my father gave me a speech about how one shouldn't take another's money, but he didn't speak directly. In the end, he said that sometimes people borrow money but forget to mention it. I was relieved she hadn’t punished me, but the consequence was a subtle guilt that remained, along with the lesson that I could lie and get away with it."

There are often absent parents behind a Sexual 7 who themselves lead lives of deception or cheat on institutions. The child learns that being better than others means knowing how to avoid punishment, and that rules are simply restrictions, not necessary protocols for coexistence. This lack of values makes it impossible for them to adopt an adult position when faced with a norm they don’t share and wish to fight against, as someone who seeks to assert themselves maturely.

“I was born the seventh of a family of seven, which led me to become the king of the house, being extremely pampered not only by my mother but by everyone and the entire neighborhood. This led me to believe I was the center of the universe and that everything in it belonged to me. To make matters worse, I was raised without limits and over-protected by my mother, with my father absent, though not physically, when it came to education. I quickly realized that with a little crying, I could get what I wanted, and I did.”

“I am the youngest of four siblings. I was Mom's protégé, her most beloved son. My father represented the highest authority. I got everything I wanted by seducing my mother with my humor and ideas. Afterwards, she would talk to my father and almost always convince him, so in the end, I got my way without directly confronting the authorities.”

Below, we group the most common irrational ideas and beliefs of a Sexual 7 into four blocks. Some overlap with other sweet tooth subtypes, all of which, let’s not forget, share indulgence as a common factor.

Hedonistic: Seek pleasure and avoid pain

• Without pleasure, there is no life. • Life is a party without limits. • I was born to enjoy. • Why be wrong if you can be right? • There is always a positive side to things. Everything's fine. • Better an invented life than a real life. • Better to avoid pain; it doesn't work. • If I suffer, I die.

The Sexual 7 puts all its cognitive machinery at the service of avoidance. As far as possible, they avoid pain. With their mind constantly awake and controlling, they scan for any threat of suffering and avoid it by diverting attention to other things, paired with some of their escapist strategies. With a clear preference for saying yes, and very few noes, this excessively optimistic character always seeks the positive side of any experience, no matter how difficult it may be.

“If I work in August instead of spending my vacation at the beach, I’ll sell it to myself in such a way that working the busiest month of the year seems like a great plan. 'There’s more parking space,' 'there’s less workload,' 'I can enjoy the afternoons by the pool,' etc.”

Everything is good for a Sexual 7. Even in situations of deep pain, such as the death of a loved one, they can turn the situation around and use fantasy to paint it in a rosy light. With their gentle charm, they are capable of setting up a trap that is as perfect as it is cloying. Anger, frustration, or tears are unwelcome, whether from themselves or others. Those who bring such emotions are a danger, giving off “bad vibes,” and are subtly pushed aside, expelled from the paradise of happiness. The inner world of the Sexual 7 is like the feeling of having smoked marijuana: a light and superficial joy that covers a deep feeling of emptiness.

Rebel: No limits or authority

• There’s no point in limiting desires; you only live once. • If you limit me, it's because you don’t love me. • Happiness means doing whatever you want. • I am the authority, and I do what I want. • If something is good, more will be even better. • I can suggest you to get pleasure. • A river uprooted, a gain for fishermen.

The Sexual 7 believes that no desire should be limited. They interpret any desire (which they view as a need) as completely legitimate and should face no barriers. They rely on self-indulgence to bypass limits or seek the support of accomplices to get away with it. Almost any means is fair game to get what they want. Thanks to their ability to influence, they extend the limits of their desires to their partner and friends, though not so much in larger groups. This distinguishes them from other subtypes, as they handle smaller, one-on-one interactions better.

“In a relationship, I always push the limits of our sexual life a little further, with fantasies, partner swapping, orgies... Step by step, I subtly and seductively push the other person’s

will, always attentive to their reactions so I can ease up if I sense they’re getting uncomfortable. I am an expert in walking the tightrope on the edge of a precipice, although it’s not uncommon for me to get burned by playing with fire.”

Traveling the world, seducing anyone, trying different jobs, experimenting with drugs, going on spiritual retreats, sampling various disciplines, partying, meeting lots of people, reading all kinds of books... These are endless experiences that are worth living and available to anyone who wants them.

“Since I was a child, I’ve always felt called to do great things. The inability to deal with mundane events paved the way for me to take refuge in a fantasy world, in which my difficulties were overcome by intellectual qualities, which became the protagonists.”

While this is a trait common to all E7s, the Sexual subtype is one of the most rebellious and unsubmissive characters in the entire enneagram. They are not a friend of authority, believing that they know more than the authority figure or could do things better.

However, they are also unable to present themselves as an authority unless they want to impress. They often take refuge in large groups, where they instigate resistance to authority from within, taking advantage of their fine ability to detect inconsistencies. They know how to prepare each individual to help them destabilize the established hierarchy, generating confusion and even chaos if necessary. This is how they play out their competitive nature.

In general, there has not been a reliable and consistent experience of authority in their life but rather a threatening and potentially harmful one. The poor relationship with the father or his absence, or the contempt they felt towards the father figure, is at the root of this attitude. As they are fearful and insecure, they also ambiguously seek recognition from authority. They are searching for the absent father and the approval and support of the father-figure friend they never had.

“We are servile, but servile in the sense of winning over the powerful. To avoid confrontation, we do what we’re told, but there’s no loyalty in what we do. We don’t oppose directly because we fear authority, but we do oppose it in hidden ways... an ambivalence about it.”

In any case, they are convinced they can do whatever they want because they haven’t encountered limits to suggest otherwise.

“I was raised without limits, over-protected by my mother, with my father absent, though not physically, when it came to education. The lack of limits led me to believe I was the center of the universe and that everything in it belonged to me.”

The struggle with the father is the basis of their hidden rebellion. What they cannot see is that, in this underground war, hidden under the skirts of their mother, they lose the opportunity to confront their father and clearly earn the right to be a grown man.

Condescending and permissive

• There are no obligations, no wrong or guilt. It's okay; it’s not that serious. • There’s permission for everything. • Forgiving everything is a magnanimous attitude that speaks to the world from the greatness of my heart. • I will not lack anything; I need everything to live. • If something fails, I always have alternatives.

One of the maxims of this character is that everything can be postponed except pleasure. Indulgence minimizes negative consequences and maximizes possible benefits, at convenience, and through fantasy. “Nothing happens” is the fixed tagline that automatically activates when a painful experience occurs.

Although it is a great unknown, guilt is one of the staunch enemies of the Sexual 7. It can surface as anguish, anxiety, or even nightmares. To avoid facing it, they develop the ability to point fingers and find blame in any situation, sometimes bordering on paranoia. Most of the time, they carry out this maneuver with elegance, using seduction and suggestion to shift the responsibility onto anyone else, even though they may also resort to childish tantrums.

On the other hand, feeling accused is one of the worst situations for them. When cornered, they will defend themselves with a strong attack, sometimes hitting blind spots. Anything to avoid taking responsibility for the pain caused.

“When a situation turns ugly, I pick up my spurs and disappear from the scene; I don’t want bad vibes or conflicts. On the other hand, when it comes to enjoying myself, I’m a loyal friend: there’s always time for another joint, another beer, another deep conversation until dawn.” (VINCENT)

Egocentric: Feels special

• Me, me, and then me. • I have something special/magical that attracts people. I am an oracle; I’m lovely. • I have to be funny and fantastic for them to like me.

• I exist if I dazzle, if I seduce, if I show beauty. • If I don’t show myself, I am not here.

The Sexual 7 has a unique ability to divert attention to a topic related to him or an area of life in which he has something to say, often taken from the latest book he's read. If he doesn't know much, it doesn't matter—he'll make it up, as long as he's the center of attention.

The interest shown by his interlocutor is the most precious mirror in which he can contemplate his own reflection. There, he becomes the enchanting charmer, and seeing the other person enjoy his conversation and company feels like glory to him.

His narcissism leads him to deny not only pain and frustration, but even signs of exhaustion, even when they are more than obvious.

"I define my narcissism as a stationary engine because my desire to conquer has never been based on hard work or the opportunity to obtain results through collaboration and help from others. Instead, it’s been based on my ability to jump over obstacles and have the world produce for me, as a result of my kindness and my ability to turn everything I touch into gold."