Transformation Process and Therapeutic Recommendations

To a Sexual 9 at the height of their neurosis, the phrase will sound very good, even extremely normal: "I die for you to live."

The Sexual 9 has to settle accounts with their own stubbornness, resistance to change, and, even before that, with their own pain and rage. It is difficult for this character to undertake a therapeutic journey unless it is a result of a great painful event that forces them to become aware of their state of "survival" in life.

From here, the Sexual 9 can embark on a path toward healing by returning to themselves. They need to experience that living their own life does not mean making others die, nor does it mean dying themselves. In reality, they live completely outside of themselves, so immersed in the emotions and lives of others that they do not feel their body. They are unaware of what they like and do not feel pain or pleasure in their body.

“A psychotherapy session I did after separating from my partner helped me understand that, in reality, I had never known about the world and people. I had always been very attentive to perceive what the world expected of me, what people needed, but I had never actively participated in the world or in life. I had been in the world in an absolutely passive way so as not to bother or take anything away from anyone, as if I did not have the right to live and have needs.” (Dania)

This is both an obstacle and a privilege. Precisely because they have been annulled first by the mother and then by the loved one, the Sexual 9 lacks a structured ego. They do not have a character to represent beyond the union with the other. That is why they do not know how to answer when asked what they want, even though they know perfectly well what the loved one wants. Since childhood, their greatest aspiration has been to be able not to feel; it takes them years to achieve the goal of, whatever happens, "not flinching." When the anesthesia begins to work and the world falls, they maintain an apparent calm and nothing gets out of place. There is a sense of pride in having achieved the goal of remaining immutable.

In the healing process, discovering despair and deep pain is crucial—pain so ingrained and so old that it may seem inexhaustible. They feel the same desperation and impotence that they felt before the loss of maternal love, which was directed to their siblings, and before the indifference of a father who was not very present.

The greatest difficulty for the Sexual 9 is starting a therapeutic process. However, once the first step is taken in the right direction and, above all, when they begin to feel the benefits of therapeutic contact, they remain faithful to the search for themselves.

It is very important to make them feel the benefits of the therapist's care, attention, and love, but, at the same time, give them a lot of space. Do not pressure them; give them time to feel and come out of invisibility without being forced. They advance with tiny steps, not because of heartburn but because they don’t know themselves at all and do not truly understand what is happening to them. They also need to experience the same emotions and sensations many times because when the "awakening" begins, they are like a newborn. They do not know what effect the experiences and feelings have on them. If they are pushed too much, confusion is generated, and they can no longer feel even the little they began to feel, because the concern of giving the therapist what they expect from them takes precedence.

It can be very helpful not to allow the Sexual 9 to shift attention from themselves to the therapist. In fact, this character is easily conditioned by their fear of being a burden to their listener. The fairly constant sensation is that of being very heavy, and that is why they seek lightness, although they are often confused by that lightness, which can be inattention and lack of care. In contact with this type of therapist, the Sexual 9 is emptied even more as they find support to minimize their own pain.

If they choose to enter therapy, they will still be tempted to shift attention to the therapist to distract themselves from themselves. To avoid the lure of the "fantastic crush" distraction, it’s best for the therapist to be of the sex to which they are not attracted. And they must not allow themselves to be seduced by benevolence or attention to the therapist’s needs. The therapist also has to be mindful of the specific care offers that a Sexual 9 always has at hand: cooking, giving cakes, remembering that someone needed something and procuring it for them, and other specific little things.

A therapy group can be counterproductive for the Sexual 9 in the first years of therapy, as it could be an excuse for getting lost, listening avidly without ever finding the time to intervene. Additionally, they will likely fall into the trap of considering the problems and sufferings of others to be more serious and urgent than their own, postponing the work on themselves. They always try to be the last to choose, so they are almost forced to choose, and not infrequently, they will pick the person that everyone discards. All these strategies are aimed, above all, at not seeing the uniqueness of their own path, which actually scares them a lot. As long as they can stay with others, they prefer to give up the privilege of a less painful path than they imagine.

Other people’s pain is very suggestive to the Sexual 9, who really cannot believe that they suffer much less than they make out, or that in any case, they are not dying of pain. The Sexual 9 also finds it difficult to remain inert in the face of another’s effort. They would like to smooth everything out for the other, make everything nice and easy for them.

They try to join the group without being noticed, and the group, for a long time, reciprocates this defense and regards the Sexual 9 as a presence without influence. They only experience something more in terms of interpersonal relationships, but for the Sexual 9, making friends has never been a problem.

This continuous confirmation of invisibility that comes to them from the group at first gives them the peace of mind of being able to be in a therapy group without being overwhelmed by it. Then, at a certain moment, it becomes an encouragement to get out because they are already tired, or a greater encouragement to consider their uniqueness, which can hasten their healing. For example, very little is always said about the character of the Sexual 9, as if their neurosis were less interesting, and the group also learns to find it uninteresting. In any case, the group is therapeutic because it represents life, but getting the Sexual 9 to

savor the beauty of diversity could help them a lot on their path to autonomy. Otherwise, for years, they will continue in their neurosis with the group: the neurotic desire to be like the others in order to stay with them.

The theater can be an optimal instrument for this purpose because it allows the Sexual 9 to be with the group but at the same time live the experience of being the protagonist lightly, almost playing. In that game, the Sexual 9 could, almost without realizing it, experience the intoxication of being in the spotlight without fear of losing the other along the way, or without shame preventing them from being seen.

Fundamental in the journey of the Sexual 9 is the experience of meditation. Their innate patience makes it easier for them to approach this practice, and by staying within themselves, they begin to receive true nourishment and, above all, to feel an autonomous entity with respect to others. They may find the simplest form of meditation more enjoyable because it allows them to stay in touch with and feel their body.

Later, concentration becomes the challenge in meditation. The Sexual 9 tends to lose focus easily, as they quickly reach a state of peace and become settled in it. However, they also struggle to sustain attention. Visualization and concentration on objects are not particularly pleasant forms of meditation for them, while simple focus on the breath or the body can be especially helpful.

“At first, I didn’t even know what meditation was. The first few times I meditated, I felt inadequate because, in the exchanges, I heard wonderful stories of visualizations, images, and levels of understanding. Meanwhile, for me, it was a great accomplishment if I managed to stay still. I fell asleep, felt tingling in various parts of my body, and couldn’t stop the flood of thoughts. It was a tremendous frustration because I felt truly inadequate. Then came my first great revelation: meditating with the breath, paying attention to the tongue, the teeth, the nails—by following these instructions and meditating for a short time but consistently, I began to learn. Meditation with a partner was also very useful, as it provided one of the rare moments when I could see the other from within myself, in a state where they are with me.” —Dania

Another significant step after despair is the fear of death. The Sexual 9 has a unique relationship with the idea of their own death. What scares them most is that the fragile wisp of life they feel they possess might be snatched away. This generates a strong rebelliousness when faced with any experience of death. Subconsciously, they already feel so deprived and malnourished that they absolutely don’t want to part with the last bit of sustenance they have left. The thought of death brings them anguish because they feel they haven’t lived fully—they’ve always postponed their happiness and deep down don’t believe it exists, at least not for them. Death, to them, means the end of any fantasized possibility of compensation. Their rebellion stems from the reality that death is already very

present and close. They know that it would only take dropping a fragile veil to pass into nothingness.

The question the Sexual 9 might ask in therapy is, “Why should I face this anguish when I’m already so unhappy?” To help them embrace change, which they may not believe is absolutely necessary, it’s important to offer the possibility of greater happiness. Over time, they will likely learn to trust and face this step.

Another helpful approach could be to allow for very gradual progress and make them feel supported throughout the process. It’s essential for them to embrace the experience of death so they can accept the spiritual path alone. Surviving this experience gives them the strength to confront another important issue: their anger.

The Sexual 9 harbors such repressed and controlled rage that it has transformed into a hideous monster. It’s likely that everything began when they realized, instead of having a mother, they had to become their mother’s caretaker. It’s unacceptable for them to accept that this mother can also be cruel and evil. For a child, completely devoted and powerless before their mother, coming to understand that the mother herself could be a monster of evil is terrifying, especially if they feel their life is in danger. This is even more terrifying if the child has already decided to sacrifice their life for her, as in the case of the Sexual 9.

Sexual 9s are energetic children at the beginning of their childhood, but once they start school (or in their defensive choice linked to their character), they become subdued and obedient. As they grow, rage becomes an unfamiliar stranger to the Sexual 9. So much so that no provocation from the group or therapist can trigger their anger. They might cry, but you won’t get them to react with a fit of rage. They are too terrified of rage to be distracted by these human foibles. They may feel deeply hurt, sob silently inside, but they will instantly rationalize the other’s behavior. While most people struggle to believe in goodness, the Sexual 9 refuses to believe in evil.

The terror the Sexual 9 has of their anger is paralyzing. Therefore, if that door is opened and they manage to face the monster of rage, they will find themselves on the edge of madness. However, as long as they don’t look this monster in the eye, they won’t be able to come back to life. Although deeply connected to the fear of death, their fear of anger runs deeper. The thought of death generates a lot of anguish, but it isn’t true terror, like the terror they experience when confronted with rage. The crazy idea is that, when in rage, they might cause harm without reason. They can’t reason, they can’t make peace with themselves—they might destroy or kill for no reason, feeling immensely powerful.

“Anger. An unexplored and denied monster because I associated it with: ‘If I get angry, they will reject me,’ ‘If I get angry, who knows what I’ll do?’ and ‘What if I get so angry that no one can contain me?’ But none of that happened. When I finally had the courage and faith

to experience it, it was a great revelation: rage equals life. I discovered that anger is, for me, a channel through which many things happen, and if I get angry, nobody dies.”

Getting to see and opening the door to supreme terror is the only way for the Sexual 9 to understand and experience that the tigress is also a very tender mother. Experiencing rage does not necessarily lead to destruction. Through this understanding, and by accepting anger as part of life, the Sexual 9 finally comes back to life.

How does the Sexual 9 decide to open that door? It has two access keys:

• Abandon oneself to death: To do so, small trials are necessary until rediscovering the strength to face unconsciousness. Finding confidence and authentic faith is also helpful. • Be in the void: Stop, feel, and accept everything that comes.

The neurosis pushes the Sexual 9 into the delusion of needing someone to accompany them, believing that they do not have the strength to do it alone and that others are much stronger. Later, however, they find that no one can join them in their anguish because they don’t want to be a burden. They also fear that no one will be able to contain them.

Once the terror phase is over, great sadness and disappointment follow. It’s the loss of that false paradise—a place where they could make up for their non-life, where everything is calm, and where fantasy allows them to live the life they wanted. Once the terror that obscured everything disappears, discovering that evil also exists, that it is part of our existence—both earthly and spiritual—and, most importantly, that it is part of ourselves, provokes deep embarrassment in the Sexual 9. It feels as though they have lost their innocence—the naïveté of not wanting to see evil, believing that by doing so, they could eliminate it from existence. On the basis of this innocence, they think they can access paradise and return to absolute happiness without shadows. The paradise of the Sexual 9 is built on the denial of life’s complexity.

It’s strange to see how the neurotic defense that leads them to annul themselves for the other also has an egoic background, that of disresponsibility. Even if it is in the name of a love they want to make absolute and galvanizing, it is still limited to human life and does not reach the spiritual part. The Sexual 9 renounces living for the loved one but does not renounce the final prize of supreme happiness, even though they have a completely distorted image of it.

At this point in the path, it is important to pay attention to the need for confirmations sought through knowledge—to find a correspondence and academic ratification of what they feel inside. The search becomes more lucid but still neurotic, and the need for

confirmation can inflame the Sexual 9’s fantasy, once again removing them from contact with life.

The neurotic search of the Sexual 9, especially on an emotional level, is to be known and recognized by the father (it is unclear if for men, the search is directed towards the mother). The Sexual 9 has an inner world they have never managed to communicate. The mother loves according to needs, but the Sexual 9 does not express them, fearing they will be a burden. With the father, the Sexual 9 woman annuls herself in obedience, and in response, she may receive appreciation and affection. But in the depths of her heart, she knows that the father loves her because she has completely subordinated herself to his will, not because he truly knows and respects her as she feels in her soul. The Sexual 9 is cellularly hungry for the father’s recognition. They have idealized the father figure and, as with other things, have created an ideal person in their fantasy, which does not correspond to reality. Seeing the father with real, critical eyes, and accepting that he is a man with his own qualities and flaws, is a good start toward making peace with oneself, understanding that not being seen despite all our efforts is not entirely one’s responsibility.

The essential action—the virtue the Sexual 9 must experience to live again—is, first, distinguishing themselves from the loved one. Loving oneself and experiencing that living also for oneself does not mean the death of the other but rather one's own growth. It is also important to enter into a relationship with life in a less "serious," lighter, and happier way. Working on their sense of responsibility and changing their presumptions, the Sexual 9 must accept that not everything depends on them. Once they do this, they can take themselves less seriously.

"Anesthesia is no longer the engine of my life. I want to feel everything, both the good and the bad, because that means living. I want to live, not just survive. I discovered that anesthesia protected me from pain but didn’t allow good energies or beautiful things in life to reach me. Everything had been neutral: neither good nor bad, neither happy nor sad." (Dania)

Lastly, mindfulness and movement therapies can offer significant help for the Sexual 9 to regain awareness of their sensations, impulses, and feelings. The practice of listening to the body gradually teaches them to perceive what is happening inside them. The expression of the impulse, finally perceived, through movement, helps them connect what happens inside with their actions. They can finally learn what seems to belong only to others—that their needs are the reason for their action in the world.

"I felt like a little girl who was beginning to experience life and take shape as a human being and as a unique person, different from others, but at the same time, part of the world along with all other living beings. I am experiencing the pleasure of taking care of myself through food, taking care of my body, buying clothes that are mine and not what someone

expects me to wear—that is, finding my style. To 'get pretty' for myself but also to seduce, without fear of who knows what drama will happen. And surely, still with a bit of the typical shame and modesty of someone who didn’t learn in due time." (Dania)

In the reverse role, that of the therapist, and whenever the Sexual 9 finds their own style of confrontation, they rely on the refined empathy they have developed as a survival tool. When used properly, with self-awareness and the ability to maintain distance from others, the Sexual 9 can offer what they truly believe is best for them (rather than simply catering to the neurotic needs of others). This capacity for empathy allows the Sexual 9 to become a loving and gentle therapist, with a great understanding of the accompaniment process.

When working on themselves, the Sexual 9 can learn to stand on their own two feet, discovering the pleasure of doing what they like alone, reserving time for themselves, and becoming capable of asserting their own needs against those of others. In addition, they can put aside their impulse to be a peacemaker and develop their combative and assertive side to affirm their thoughts, feelings, or desires.

In the Sexual 9's evolution and growth, confusion will transform into rage, and they may even become vengeful. However, they themselves are the architects of their inability to decide, and as they awaken and begin to confront their self-deceptions, they will frequently encounter rage, which serves as a powerful source of change and energy.

In short, the transformative process of the Sexual 9 involves growing in the experience of self—becoming an organism with its own body, specific feelings, and concrete thoughts. A "me" is different from a "you." Once aware of the difference and the limits, the Sexual 9 can begin to explore their depth at more subtle levels and embark on a spiritual path where they can surrender and abandon themselves, because they perceive their own presence. They can return to union because they know how to separate and let go.

"I love this circumstance of being alone because, for the first time in my life, I am doing the things that I like, at my own pace, cultivating my interests, and not having to adapt anything for anyone. I can’t find the words to express the gratification and happiness it gives me to return home and not have to worry about not having prepared dinner or arriving at a specific time. I can plan one thing and, at the last moment, change my mind and do something else. The pleasure of opening my home to true friends, whom I love from the bottom of my heart, and not to those imposed by my partner. The joy of doing things of my own choosing.

I understand that what I'm saying may sound trivial, but I’ve never felt the wonder of doing things that I truly enjoy. I always did them believing I liked them, but the reality was that the pleasure belonged to someone else.

Another moment that I laugh about today when I think about it, but I share because I think it could be significant, relates to my first SAT. I arrived with a friend and colleague from the Counseling school in Titignano, a wonderful place where SATs are held in Italy. When I got out of the car, I looked at her and said, 'This is the first and last one I’ll do!' She was once again afraid of being alone, and my monsters, my suffering, my rage, and my desire to escape were palpable. But as the hours passed, the same old voice persisted: 'It’s the right thing to do, it’s your way.' Today, when I arrive in Titignano, in Brazil, in Spain, or wherever I am going to do an SAT, it feels like coming home." (Dania)