E1 Conservation (Self-Preservation) – Worry

Ichazo called anguish to the passion characteristic of the one conservation. However, he preferred to use the word worry. It could be said, in fact, that in this type of person concern is a real passion. And it's not just behavior that can be described as worrying too much — or even feeling a need to worry — but they worry about things that are okay, and sometimes spoil what they touch by trying to fix what doesn't need fixing. This need to worry can be understood as an exaggerated need for foresight and to have everything under control, in turn motivated by a fear that its survival or conservation will be threatened.

In reality, the image he has of himself is that of being too imperfect and that is why his activity becomes a constant and obsessive improvement of himself. His anger, on the other hand, hides behind a friendly benevolence and an attitude of service that does not allow his anger and resentment to show through. That is, it transforms his anger into goodwill.

The transformation in the conservation E1 by Lluís Serra

“It is not difficult to conceive that questioning can be more creative than sticking to answers made in advance. The iconoclastic posture rejects symbols and seeks the source of meaning beyond form. If a moderate iconoclastic posture can be healthy even in the face of valid solutions, how much more so in the face of pseudo-solutions to which we cling in order to continue sleeping peacefully? After all, all the values we originally loved emerge from doubt, searching, and even despair. The water that quenched the thirst of our ancestors may not be the water we need today, it must be found again every time and it cannot be stored.”

Claudio Naranjo, “La única búsqueda”, page 13

Perfection, constituting a mechanical search, is a trap that prevents achieving just what is sought. The anger of E1 conservation, being so controlled and repressed, often goes unnoticed. Reaction control favors this lack of self-awareness. The fundamental question points to how to stop being trapped in the circle and in the egoic script, in other words, how to wake up and how not to "continue to sleep peacefully".

The E1 conservation believes it is in the right process of transformation. Their eagerness to improve and their effort to improve themselves seem to contain strong doses of awareness. More so. His choice for the fulfillment of duty to the detriment of pleasure makes him believe that he is on the right path. His awareness of the ideal, the sacrifice to achieve it, the internal judge who continually dictates the good and the bad, the sense of guilt that accompanies him, make us think that he has everything in his favor. This is the trap that obnubilates consciousness and prevents it from realizing things. Perfectionism and anger linked to it are mechanical responses, pre-established scripts. There is no freedom but inflexibility. There is no love but correction. There is no consciousness but control. There is no essence but ego. How can he have

spent all his energies in favor of the wrong cause? If perfection is not worthy of seeking itself, there is no salvation possible. If worry and anguish, which have been the thermometers that have marked the temperature of commitment to personal improvement, do not work, what other alternative fits. Oviparous animals need to break the eggshell to live their life and fully develop. The shell of the ego, the egoic circle, like the circle of the Yezids of Gurdjief, has to be broken. Therefore, the first step of transformation involves awakening, becoming aware of egoic mechanisms, unleashing the tows that keep the person trapped in his existential script. But how does this change, this awareness, this awakening occur?

Awakening is traumatic. The habit of always wanting to be right and the systematic rejection of reality, which does not conform to the ideal pattern of perfection, hinder the recognition of their own mechanism. When it occurs, the earth under one's feet opens up and one is swallowed up by the abyss of annihilation. On the other hand, if the awakening causes trauma, the trauma causes the awakening. An existential crisis, a love breakup, an economic crash, a job failure, the sinking into despair, an experience of the limit serve to shake the ego. Control of the situation is lost, personal demand does not yield returns, effort is inoperative. Faced with the impossibility of managing one's own conflict, we must open the doors of trust in others, knowing that a teacher and a therapist will be able to help, without being perfect, an approach that implies a more difficult renunciation than it seems. Let yourself be driven: "When you were young you yourself would stick and go where you wanted, but in your old age you will open your arms and another will gird you to lead you where you do not want." Renunciation as a path of freedom. Give up perfection as a way to reach it.

Thus the paradox of transformation is elaborated. "If the grain of wheat does not die, it cannot bear fruit." To achieve the security of conservation, all security must be lost. When there is nothing else to lose, the worry is diluted and the anguish disappears. Going down to hell is the first step. For the elevator of the essence to rise, the counterweight of the ego has to descend to the bottom. Everything falls apart. The greatest achievements are valued as insignificant. Thus he will begin to regain his sight, because the anger blinds. The purgatory of anger that Dante describes is being blinded by smoke. In this way, "I couldn't even open my eyes." The path of consciousness begins.

The difficulties for the awakening to be prolonged in a continuous work are found in the perfectionism and concern that keep the mind engaged in the effort for virtue. There can be no metanoia (conversion) without descending into the world of feelings and instincts.

I retrieve a fragment of my personal notes:

“The image I have used to describe this situation focuses on my inner castle. During my life I have toured the different dependencies from the ground floor to the attic. I have moved comfortably through them, which represent the realm of control and dominance. But, one way or another, I shied away from going down to the basements where I know the dogs and dragons

are. It is time to face them, to look them in the face and to dialogue with them. Having them hidden, repressed, can only cause me trouble. Talking to them has its risks: they can scratch me, bite me, throw themselves at me. The fear of losing something or even discovering them has prevented me from going down to the basements. With therapy, I have tried to visit these forbidden rooms or of which I had not crossed the threshold. There have been very hard times, in which I have experienced fear and anguish. I have spoken to the rabid dogs in the underground of the castle. I've been bitten at some point, but now we know where we all are.”

A few words of Friedrich Nietzsche come to mind: "Everyone who has built a new heaven has obtained the strength for it in his own hell."

The Transformation

“When the spiritual being is born, the carnal being knows that he is doomed to die sooner or later, and that does not make him very happy; but at the level of the individual's consciousness there can be no greater happiness than that of the immediate moment following metanoia (change of mind or „conversion‟, in the deepest sense of the word). The individual condition of that time can be characterized by spiritual drunkenness and great happiness, which is certainly congruent with the moment of a rebirth. Not many go that far, as the aforementioned implies: many people seek rebirth to the spirit, but „few are the chosen ones‟.”

Claudio Naranjo, “Cantos del despertar”, page 59

The set: a fundamental change

We live in a society where there are many changes, some expected, others feared. Stable situations have little place. It seeks to change floors, employment... even, sometimes, as a couple after a crisis of coexistence. Not every change is better, as one can get worse, but you often have to take risks if there is an inner and deep need to respond to the concerns that spring up in each person's heart.

Is a fundamental change in the relationship between essence and personality possible? Should our job be to eliminate the personality so that the essence flourishes? How do we become aware of our personality? Nicoll states, "Essence can only grow through the ever-increasing awareness of personality and the slow and gradual discovery of what personality is in a person." (“Psychological Commentaries on the Teachings of Gurdjieff and Ouspensky”, volume 4, page 235).

To answer these questions, I turn to a text from the Gospel of St. Luke (5:17-26):

“One day I was teaching, there were some Pharisees and doctors of the law who had come from all the peoples of Galilee and Judea, and from Jerusalem. The power of the Lord caused him to work healings. 18 In this, some men brought a paralytic on a stretcher and tried to introduce him, to put him in front of him. 19 But finding nowhere to put him, because of the crowd, they went up to the roof, lowered him with the stretcher through the tiles, and put him in the middle, before

Jesus. 20 Seeing their faith, Jesus said, „Man, your sins are forgiven.‟ 21 The scribes and Pharisees began to think, „Who is this, who says blasphemies? Who can forgive sins but Only God?‟ 22 Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said to them, „What are you thinking in your hearts? 23 Which is easier, to say, „Your sins are forgiven,‟ or to say, „Get up and walk‟? 24 For that you may know that the Son of man has in his closeness the power to forgive sins," he said to the paralytic, „To you I say, get up, take up your stretcher and go home.‟ 25 And instantly, rising before them, he took the stretcher on which he lay and went home, glorifying God. 26 Astonishment took hold of all, and they glorified God. And full of fear, they said, „Today we've seen incredible things.‟”

Our protagonist is a paralytic who is lying on a stretcher and who needs others to go from one place to another. It is not autonomous. It does not stand on its own. It always depends on others. But he has four very positive things: a) he is aware of his illness, of his paralysis; b) wishes to overcome it; c) he has a group of friends who are committed to helping him in the improvement he is looking for and who will do everything possible to get it; and d) seek in the source of life, in Jesus, the solution to his problems.

Every fundamental change usually involves a price and a job, in the Gurdjieffian sense of the term. He wants to get to Jesus but the crowd prevents him. There is not enough space to circulate. Change requires personal commitment and not getting lost in the crowd. He does not shy away from the difficulty or abandon his efforts. With imagination and audacity, he does the unthinkable: they climb the roof and from there they hang him before Jesus through the tiles. Inner work is woven of creativity and dedication.

Spiritual adventure requires getting in touch with the divine. Jesus offers her the key to initiating fundamental change: the forgiveness of sins. Sin is to stop acting on the impulses of love and therefore generates paralysis. Forgiveness implies the humble acceptance of one's own mistakes, one's weaknesses, and one's own fragility. Inner change has as its starting point humility and the renunciation of apparent greatness. Jesus offers her forgiveness because she discovers in the paralytic and in his friends a great faith. They have done a great job and have overcome difficulties because they believe that paralysis is not the best state for man. They want to evolve.

The word of Jesus announces the fundamental change: "I say to you, get up, pick up your stretcher and go home". In this text, there is a surprising fact: why does he tell her to take his stretcher? Even now that he's healthy he can't do without her? The stretcher is the personality and the paralytic is the essence. The stretcher carried the paralytic because the personality governed the essence, an essence that was not very vital and paralyzed. With healing, man carries the stretcher, because the essence governs the personality. You should not do without it but carry it on it. The paralytic recovers his autonomy, his freedom of movement and can go home, that is, he no longer depends on the expectations of others but begins to live from the memory of himself. Being at home means connecting with self-awareness.

The Gospel narrative continues: "And instantly, rising before them, he took the stretcher on which he lay and went home, glorifying God." There is no delay, no doubt, no postponement: It gets going instantly and in front of people. He does just as Jesus tells him, but he goes beyond taking the stretcher and going home: he glorifies God. The relationship with God allows the essence to unfold its enormous possibilities. We are not going to eliminate our ego. We are only going to take away the scepter and the power over our essence, which the personality will serve from now on.

The script

An E1 conservation woman comments on a statement by Claudio that says, "E1 pushes the river and does not rely on the natural rhythms of life."

"This phrase of Claudio", says the woman, "hit me a lot in SAT 1, it hit me like a slap in the face, with all the force of truth, I perceived the entity, the monstrosity, the madness of my continuous effort, of forcing myself, situations, others. Effort, control and inability to trust myself to organismic self-regulation, to the natural rhythms of the body: inspiration-expiration, hunger-satiety, tiredness-rest, commitment-fun, expansion-contraction, lightness-heaviness."

Cariy Simón sings in “Working girl” the song “Let the river run”. Let the river flow. That's what it's all about. The transformation, once the rupture of the circle has been effected, which implies the awakening and sinking of the egoic constructions, acquires some profiles of liberation.

The image of pushing the river reflects the ego of E1 very well:

"I am convinced that it is necessary to intervene on the river, request it, push it, criticize it because it is delayed, because it does not follow the channel that I indicate, it does not obey me, it could do more and better, not waste time, not be distracted, but focus on its task which is to reach the sea, soon and well, in the best way, without errors. If it continues like this it will not arrive, any other river will arrive first than him, and he will play a bad role, in any case he cannot afford to reach the sea according to his rhythms, it is not fair, it constitutes a lack of respect for those who work hard, and he does not grant little or nothing to himself. If I do not push it, who knows where the river will end up, it will be lost in a thousand twists and turns, it will lose its strength and its importance, the sea will not want it anymore if it arrives late..."

Let the river run... Let the river flow. There is no need to do anything. The river will reach the sea. Before melting into the maritime waters, it will trace more or less meanders, jump perhaps spectacular heights becoming splendid waterfalls, describe a short or endless trajectory, join the origin of the source with the end of the sea. No rush but no pauses. Sure of his arrival, convinced that nothing needs to be forced.

The river does not need any push. It is enough that it is respected to fulfill its mission. Seeing things from this perspective deactivates in E1 his perfectionism, his desire for control, his level of demand and opens horizons of freedom and confidence in life. Worrying about the river reaching the sea no longer makes sense. Hence the virtuous effects of personal transformation: acceptance and serenity, which are the essential qualities of the higher emotional center of the angry.

Acceptance points to virtue as opposed to anger. It is about opening oneself to reality, to the dynamics of things, to not wanting to force events, to accept oneself and the rhythm of life. It involves the loss of exaggerated control and worry. The infantile desire for omnipotence gives way to the acceptance of reality, without the need to manipulate it or simply subject it to one's own canons. Thus the implacable judge, the chronic controller, the unredeemed perfectionist is deactivated. Things are like that. It takes much more energy and virtue to accept reality than to change it, without forgetting that acceptance is the first step of profound transformation, because there is no deep metamorphosis that does not arise from love. What a break for the obsessive E1 to know that the river will reach the sea without pushing it! "To get carried away is to temporarily lose one's roots. Not to do so is to lose them forever" (Kierkegaard), what is the point of worrying about something that is not up to me? If it is a problem, it is solved. If it is impossible, it is accepted.

Serenity also points to virtue as opposed to anger. Understood as overcoming the (self-) critical attitude and how to let events flow without intervening in them. It implies the attitude of relativizing things, events, results. Perfection can have many faces and many levels. It can be like that in another way. Worry then loses consistency as well as the fixations that fuel perfectionism. Emotions, little by little, are transformed. From anger and anger one passes to acceptance and serenity.

Awareness and the expression of anger acquire new profiles. He does not refuse but becomes aware of it: he expresses himself without the need to maintain a patina of kindness and correction: "I express more clearly my anger, what makes me angry, annoying, my helplessness. Therefore, I also express more my pain, my insecurity, my shame, my fragility, my fear, gaining in humanity."

Educational or moralizing techniques are not used as subterfuges to give a successful way out of an unspeakable anger. No just causes are sought to justify an anger that erupts within. When anger appears, the mechanical response is to take action. On the other hand, the conscious — and therefore transformative — response is to face the feeling, to see where it comes from, to express it if possible, to tame it perhaps. This avoids the trap of wanting to transform the world and others without facing oneself. The result is a serene and confident attitude. Connecting with one's own anger leads to connecting also with one's own needs, which the E1 conservation tends to postpone its satisfaction. Unattended needs generate anger and resentment. They translate the

groan of the neglected and abandoned inner child. It is enough to be loved. Perfectionism, the mask of goodness, correction, are false currency to get a love that, if bought, is prostitution.

An indicator of transformation is the fluidity and spontaneity of feelings, which thus cease to interfere with personal development. It involves being more confident in yourself, letting go, and decreasing control behaviors. The conquest of perfection is not the goal, so by deactivating the control mechanisms feelings can arise more naturally: "I express more my love, my affection and my sweetness: I am more playful and cuddly, I use contact more to communicate, laughter and joy, I am fresher and less serious".

Perfection no longer polarizes vital energies and this change translates into greater sensitivity and attention to others. It no longer matters so much that the other person conforms to the pattern of good person that the E i has worked out but that serene acceptance of his reality and confidence in his possibilities prevails. There is no judgment but appreciation.

The action ceases to be an escape so as not to have to face uncomfortable feelings or instincts, as well as the price to pay, through a hard and sustained effort, to achieve perfection. Emptiness, loneliness, silence, generate worry and anguish. Acting is the way to disconnect from these realities. E1, as it undergoes transformation, modulates its action: "I worry less, I worry more and I get more and more restless every day: leaving myself in peace and leaving the other and the world in peace."

Little by little, it finds meaning in previously ignored realities: "I can spend more time in silence without doing anything or doing anything: in contact with myself." Meditation, retreat, silence... they begin to be possible.

The transformation is also shown in the decriminalization of instinctive life and in the opening to pleasure. The worried and anxious optics of E1 conservation makes him think that this decriminalization throws him into the hands of taboo and the forbidden, as if the enjoyment of life did not have many gradations. It is handled in an insane polarity: between repression and taboo. Perhaps the taboo is, in some cases, the door to destroy repression, but little by little he learns to enjoy a walk, to listen to music, to contemplate nature, to chat with a friend, to share feelings: "I feel freer to live in the present, to enjoy the little things of each instinct, to feel myself and to be in relationship with others. This helps me calm my mind, helps me feel alive and in a good mood." It leaves behind the fact of being very oneself, of depriving oneself of many pleasures that are healthy (holidays, rest, a good massage, body care ...). Duty is present, but it is not always imposed at the expense of pleasure, which ceases to be a threat, a risk of lack of control, an expression of chaos and immorality. The performance, the self-demand, the desire to excel... they are placed in place, but they stop polarizing all energies, not even the main ones. However, the neurotic tic of E1 conservation struggles to maintain its dominance, to put things in their place, to recover the order of things. Two steps forward and one step back remains a path of transformation and progress.

These changes have an impact on social relations and on the valuation of reality: "I am more respectful, tolerant and flexible: my angle of vision is wider and I have more perspective than before (before everything seemed to be on one plane, as if reality were flat), now I fit much, much, much, although not always everything seems good to me, either I take it well, or I understand it, but I welcome it and it fits me: they are possibilities of the whole". People matter more than the rules of the game. Do not push the river but enjoy its waters. Not to orient it but to contemplate its layout. So also with others. Stop being a potter. In any case, be mud, moldable, flexible, fluid. Rigidity is then meaningless. The means (perfection) to achieve love has become an end. Thus it moves to the most important goal of life, love, for the sake of recognition. This existential mutilation cannot be lived without anger, without resentment, without worry, without anguish. Transformation is about putting love at the center.

Here are some means that the E1 conservation considers useful to become more aware of the dominant passion:

"Personal therapy, SAT, silence, meditation, keeping a journal, the study of character through the enneagram, regressions, working with crazy ideas, therapeutic theater, gestalt training..." To heal the dominant passion, it is highlighted: "to have learned to recognize my needs, which are hidden behind anger, and to have progressively learned to express it; take the risk of expressing anger without fearing that the relationship with the other will suffer a fatal disturbance that causes me to be rejected; have an appreciative and serene attitude of myself, of my failures and my successes, and of the other; finding perfection in the unsuspected; let go and let myself go, accept things even if I don't always understand them."

More indicators of transformation:

"Facing my reality in a complete way (entering the basements), greater awareness of myself, deactivating some need (affective, sexual) and increasing detachment, a greater sense of my fragility (if I play, admitting defeat or victory), dialoguing with inner fears (relationship, losing security ...), letting the dominant passion emerge (anger: in aversion or anger there is an unsatisfied need of mine. I can think that the need of the other is more important than mine), greater capacity for enjoyment and pleasure, more spontaneous spiritual sense, flowing from within."

The E1 values as traits of its optimal state:

"Not striving to be loved, listening to and respecting my needs and those of the other, feeling tolerance towards what is, not so much demand for perfection, not seeing rejection (aggressive intention) in the other, trust towards life (in the good of life), losing fear, letting myself be spontaneous, abandoning emotional control, flowing, being creative, abandon the norm, accept reality, things are as they are, value things themselves without comparing them, connect with my own needs and with what I want, give myself the permission to enjoy, to ask, to

show myself, trust and dialogue with the forces of instinct, read anger as one more need without expressing, without covering, relativize the solutions, there is not only one."

The transformation is carried out in phases. Follow a process. There may be times when qualitative leaps occur, but the itinerary has a line of continuity. St. John of the Cross establishes the purgative way, the illuminative way and the unitive way. Purging the ego, trying to tear off the characteristic inlays that occur in the true self, involves hard and ascetic work. The changes seem imperceptible. The angry, in Dante's words, "could not continue to open his eyes." The smoke symbolizes that anger obfuscates the understanding that prevents discernment between good and evil. Being blind with anger, the role of the guide is essential: "Like the blind man who goes after his guide so that he does not get lost or stumble on any obstacle, or maybe die." This phase requires letting yourself arrive, letting yourself be driven, leaving control. Ei's response may be, "By my faith, I promise you that I will do what you ask of me." However, doubts erupt inside.

The illuminative phase is also described by Dante: "How, when the wet and thick values are already dispersed, the sphere of the sun enters through them faintly." When the anger is diluted, the vision recovers until it reaches great intensity: "A light hurt my eyes, much greater than what is customary." In the fog, there is a worry about a bad step, about inadvertently falling into the abyss, about harming yourself by not recognizing the obstacles. In the light, serenity arises, but in every new stage new risks occur. The dominant passion is like a virus in mutation. It metamorphoses and takes on other subtle forms that again escape from the person's consciousness. The satisfaction of reaching this new promontory, after the purgative process, increases the vision of one's own mistakes, of one's own imperfections, which are now known and conscious. The effect is worked, but the causal root is deep. Still, the angry tic, like an autopilot, is the first reaction. One wishes that progress had been made to stop feeling the anger, but the transformation does not annul it but shows constructive ways of living it. You learn to live with anger.

The unitive phase opens new horizons: "The last rays of which the night goes after were already so high that the stars appeared around" (Dante). The thousand fragments of the person are called to integrate. The beatitude of the peaceful is heard, who are without bad anger. The starlight is magnificent but can only be seen if there is a lot of darkness. Darkness returns, but it's not like at the beginning. Therefore, you can go "in the dark and safe". The next circle will be the acedia, because the night can be a return to unconsciousness, believing that everything is already achieved, or the challenge to a greater consciousness and a state of greater vigilance. The essence takes over the person and the ego, without disappearing, is subordinated, not without struggles or new attempts to take control of the situation. The E1 conservation has been wounded by perfection. Wanting to obtain it egoically constitutes its ruin. His problem is that he does not focus it well, because he has dispossessed her of his soul. It is not so much a conquest as a gift. St. John of the Cross expresses this ailment: "Who will be able to heal me?" The light of the essence in God: "Extinguish my anger, for none is enough to undo it, and see my eyes, for you

are the light of them, and only for you I want to have them." The key is that: "I no longer keep cattle, nor do I already have another trade, which is only in loving my exercise." The priority of conservation, of concern, of anguish is abandoned: "I no longer keep livestock". Perfection is discovered in love: "only in loving is my exercise".