E9 Sexual – Symbiosis

I would prefer to use the word union — the word Ichazo used — in a higher sense. Union means the response that we find in love, the desire for communion with the loved one. So such a word should not be used to describe a neurotic game. Therefore, I prefer to use words like fusion, confluence, symbiosis...

The sexual E9 experiences the need to be through the other, the need to be through union with another, through fusion with another person. He uses the relationship to feed his being because he can't stand on his own two feet. A true union would require the two people to walk on their own two feet before they actually meet.

But in this case a kind of substitution takes place. Because these people do not have their own place, their own being, and therefore they want to be in the world through the other. This makes them very affectionate people, but it is a suspicious affection, like one of the many forms of surrogate love that occur in the ego's repertoire.

What stands out in the sexual nine is that they belong to no one: they are people who do not fully live their passion — in the best sense of that word. They are precisely too dispassionate. When the Beatles wrote the song “Nowhere Man”, perhaps they were referring to someone of this character.

In Spain there is the "dead mosquito": no one would notice that person, it is confused with the design of the wall paper. In English it is said that there are people who are like the flowers on the wall: they get lost in their surroundings.

Elias Canetti wrote a book about characters called “The Listening Witness” and described someone who is obviously a sexual nine:

"The Legacy never asks for a certificate and wouldn't get one either, since he's not going anywhere on his own business, he doesn't need them. It is true that he eats, but he does it in moderation and without causing discomfort. Nobody has seen him with his mouth open, he has the good sense to do it in a corner, without noise. He surreptitiously feels his teeth, he still has a few left".

It is a very cruel characterization: this person betrays his needs so much, is so focused on satisfying the needs of the other, that he has few teeth left.

"People take a lot of photos on trips, and sometimes, when they don't have time to step aside, he's in the picture too, uninvited. The owner's family looks at her and makes a face. But also in those cases you can trust him. He himself takes the reels to develop and, when he returns with the photos, he has disappeared from them. How he does it is a mystery, they don't ask him

and he doesn't explain anything, the important thing is that the owner's family stays like that in the family and the Legacy doesn't appear anywhere".

All this is a result of the need for fusion. You can merge with another person, with a group, or even with your own body. But at the cost of life, of the subtle level of life...

The transformation in the sexual E9 by Juanita Richter

Acknowledgments: to Wilma Hannig, for receiving me at her home in La Serena, Chile, and opening her life to me without reservation. To Mónica Ventura, for lovingly sending me the biographical interview of her done by Dr. Claudio Naranjo, thus helping me to write mine.

My life before starting the process of self-knowledge

When I was born, my mother spent the first three weeks with me, and then she and my father went to the coast to pick up my aunt Helga, who was coming by boat from Hamburg to take care of me. My aunt had just studied neonatal care and I was her first case. She, 20 years old, arrived in Bogotá from her native Germany, became my second mother, while my mother returned to her job as secretary to the ambassador at the German Embassy in Colombia. I was made independent three weeks after I was born, which left a deep imprint of emotional need on me.

Inside of me there is a space that is sorely needed. And what this place does is take all the energy inside, until it disappears. The feeling of belonging to the world disappears and the feeling is that I live on Mars, not on Earth. And the sounds of the Earth reach me from afar.

"You were a wanted and loved girl," my mother tells me. For me, it has been very difficult to understand this deep emotional gap.

When I was two years old, they took me to live in the countryside, two hours from Bogotá. The house was huge and I had two large rooms across from my parents' room. oops! how lonely I felt. I was not able to sleep there. They finally had to move closer to me. I used to get into his bed at night.

In that great house, I lived until I was five years old, the age at which I entered school. At that time my brother Christof was born and my mother left her job at the embassy and went to raise him at home. My father left his job at the university and moved into the house to paint full time. And I went to live in Bogotá, at my aunt's house. My cousin Stefan had been born there, and I thought he was much nicer than my brother. He lived there during the week, while he went to school, and on Saturday at noon he came home to return, early on Monday, to Bogotá with my suitcase.

With the birth of my brother envy was born in me.

I lived with my aunt for about two years, then they took me to live with Frau Jung, with whom I was very unhappy and marginalized. About seven or eight months. How painful it would be that, despite my difficulty in defending myself, I managed to get myself out of that house.

When it was barely Monday, the prospect of returning home was tremendously distant. There I became rebellious. At night I had to take a bath, and I would put the shower cap on the floor of the bathtub so that it would sound, I would turn on the shower, wait a while and leave without taking a bath. The other rebellion that I used to do, for which they punished me by leaving me without lunch and in bed in the middle of the day, was that I never ate the muffin with butter that the lady sent me to school, but I kept collecting them in my desk, in my tenant room. She found about a hundred old stale rolls lying around and she got very angry.

Finally, that torment ended and I went to live with the Francks: Karl and Gisela Franck, with their three children, Silvia, Gine and Lolly, the youngest son.

It was a little better there for me. I remember seeing myself standing under Gisela Franck's huge boobs and saying to her, "hey, when I grow up I want some like that too." And there was something in her, with her huge tits, something that was good for me, something nurturing, and Gine had something of that too, something good. They were not as hardened as Frau Jung.

After the Franck family I arrived at Frau Pieper's house with her daughter Susanne. There, finally, I felt good. She was a teacher at the German School and had turned her house into a boarding house for teachers. I arrived and felt in the same conditions as the others. She was among equals, not close to a family. And that was very good.

At that moment in my life there was a change. I started to feel better inside my skin. I began to feel more pleasure, more joy.

After the stay with Frau Pieper, my mother organized a transport system with some neighbors and I was able to get home after school. And I really enjoyed this. My memories here have another light, they have joy. I see myself riding in Mr. von Rotkirch's vintage VW Beetle. They bought us ice cream and it was a delight that journey to the checkpoint, where my mother was waiting for us.

At home, on weekends or in the afternoons, after school, I would go horseback riding to a neighboring farm. Aladdin was the name of this being that was taking me on his back to the mountain. This was my first contact with freedom. I loved him. And the forest. And I always had the fantasy of being able to share these moments with a human man. That was my wish. And mounted on this animal I had my first orgasms. This time is a light in my life.

Finally, I got my period. I was happy. I wanted to tell my mother but she didn't dare. Finally, I told him, and the look on his face made me understand that I was not going to find any

support there. Alone with me again, I went into the kitchen and discussed it with the maid. And then I self-disconnected from my menstruation.

Throughout my life as a woman I forgot my menstruation. Month after month it took me by surprise. And it was also here that I lost contact with my place of origin. With the people from the school, with the Germans in Bogotá. My relationship was with the simple people of the countryside, with the employees of my house.

The boys at school that I liked didn't see me. And I imagined loves that were not realized. Here began to appear my difficulty in relationships with men. I did not know how to relate to men of my age or with those of my condition. My parents were not conducive to talking about these issues. Never.

If I had experienced loneliness and abandonment since I was three weeks old, now I was experiencing loneliness and the abandonment of my sexuality, my body and my emotions.

But I was driven by my boundless drive, and with a force that these parents could no longer stop with their feeble attempts to do so. When marijuana came to school, it had a strong appeal for me. I wanted to become a marijuana user, but smoking it caused me anguish and paranoia.

At school I stopped understanding what they taught me. I found myself a totally unsuitable boyfriend for me, an already old man, addicted, who took me to have sex in some dark places in Chapinero. It was all very depressing, and he couldn't say he didn't want that. Besides, I didn't enjoy any of this, but there was a force inside me that carried me ahead. I was facing my mother, she was ready to leave home, she was crying out for a limit that no one had the courage to put on me.

At that time I stayed at home studying with my father and getting really bored. But I also forcefully refused to enter a school, which was what my mother asked me to do. After a while, I looked for a painting school and ceramics classes. In ceramics I met Fernando Villar, my wheel teacher, and I fell in love with him. I followed him, I looked for him, I managed to become part of his workshop and finally he became my partner. I got pregnant and we had Esteban.

Esteban was born on April 1st, 1975, two days before I turned 18 years old. The day of his birth they gave us a house in Cota called Rancho Alegre, for rent. We lived there for 15 years.

My search

For my parents it was very hard that I had become pregnant so young and for me it had two aspects. I was pregnant and without studies, and the only thing I know how to do is very little. What my father has taught me and also to make pottery with my partner.

My mother, a few days before the birth of my son, told me that she dreamed that a little Indian had come into the world. This dream of hers shows me her non-acceptance of her grandson coming from her. She, with her introjects from Nazi Germany, had to produce such a dream. And these things made our relationship less than close and loving.

When my son is born, I am alone, without a mother or a husband. It is midnight and I am taken to the delivery room, tied hands and legs. They inject me with something that puts me to sleep minutes before the birth of my son. I miss that moment and I receive it I don't know how long later, already disconnected, coming out of anesthesia. And then the whole story repeats itself. Neither my husband nor my mother nor I really know what to do. We all do things without awareness, without connection, without love.

Since Esteban's birth, I have been faced with the tremendously painful fact of not knowing what my son wants. I don't know how to be a mother. And there, in that situation of deep reality, my disconnection is manifested, my living on Mars. Now it is Esteban's turn to feel the loneliness and abandonment since his arrival in this world. I spent a lot of time with my son, but he was a being without being, without a real presence.

Everything emotional was chaotic and always overwhelmed me. I was very jealous of Fernando and tormented him, and he tormented me too. So our sexuality wasn't very satisfying either. The anger and reproaches began to arise and also there was very little money and I began to know how to earn it better than him. And the gap between us was widening. Almost from the beginning of our relationship I supported him financially, and this is a very new trait. I am the generous one, the one who can with everything, but inside I despised him for this weakness. And he let him know.

I became an intense, abandoned, hysterical and crazy woman. But I couldn't separate myself. She was glued to Fernando.

At this time of my life in Cota I remember that I stumble a lot, hit my head, bruise my finger, etc. I am accompanied by a great clumsiness. And I tell myself I'd rather have it hurt physically than hurt inside. I think the pain also connects me.

The situation is hard and my son is alone. I begin to feel that life is not worth living like this. I start to search. I find readings. A longing is born. I'm starting to feel like I need help.

My father died two days after his 88th birthday. I was with him that day. I am sitting on the edge of his bed, I tell the nurse that I feel that my father should die now, because he is very ill, he has been in the state of a small child for a year, everything must be done for him.

After a while the nurse calls me to accompany my father to die.

I am with him in his last minutes of life. I know I am receiving a great gift but I don't know what to do. I ask him to take me a little piece with him.

And he dies. And a great silence enters the house. And my son that day has been counting dead crosses along the way.

It hurt me a lot to bury my father. And a few months after his death I hit rock bottom.

At that time, a friend takes Esteban and me to see a Hindu sage, Sanjay, who has arrived in Colombia. A week after that visit, the director of Esteban's school tells me: «Juanita, you have a sad son, I recommend therapy for him. Go to where Felix Canton/». And Esteban began to work with Berta Gamarra, Félix's wife. With the help of Sanjay, Esteban and I began the recovery journey of a lifetime. He stayed five years with Berta and I ten with Félix Cantoni.

Two months after starting my therapy I separate from Fernando.

With Felix, I have an appointment twice a week. I work on my big identity problem. My complete lack of structure. I see myself as jelly, without bones. He puts limits on me. I get out of so much strange religion to me. I can separate because now I have emotional support. I work on my masculine and feminine aspects, eros and thanatos. I feel a feeling of hope being born in me. I cry a lot, it is very hard to see the state in which I live. See my son's pain.

I work with Félix mourning the death of my father. I learn to express my affection to my son, my love for him, to receive him with my heart. I learn to express my needs, I learn to speak, to call on the phone, to say yes or no, and I stop barking and biting. Slowly, I become human. It is a very beautiful learning. And very hard. I can see the symbiotic relationship with my mother. For me, what she says is the law. I learn to get away from her, to visit her for two hours, have some tea and leave again. My internal mother usually appears as a punisher every time I make love: immediately, my passion is cut off and from then on I have to pretend.

I dream that I am in the living room of my father's house, and inside the living room there is a big, red truck, making a lot of noise and fuming from the exhaust. In the analysis we see that it is my father who occupies all my erotic and sexual space in such a graphic way.

Many times I forget my appointment with therapy or I arrive an hour later: the resistances do their own sabotage. It's hard work and it's brave work. Money is tight. The only thing that is clear to me is that I need help and that, now that I have found it, I am not going to abandon it.

I meet a man at a party and we fall in love. I discover erotic pleasure with him and live it. And again I make a dependency relationship. And it is because at the beginning of the relationship he has another woman. When he leaves it's like a piece of meat is ripped out of me. Only after a while does he part with her.

I feel like I can't live without Duny. It hurts me not to see it. Again I lose myself. And it is from that feeling that I abandon my son. The other is stronger. I don't have the internals to handle this situation. It is him or my son. My being a mother is just being trained in therapy and my affective need is very great.

He doesn't have the tools to accept me wholeheartedly with my son. Esteban feels abandoned again, reacts very strongly against Duny and goes with his friends and gets into alcohol.

In therapy. Cantoni tells me: "the day your son accepts your man, it is because he is a good man for you".

I do not forget this phrase.

My accident

On September 15, 1991, I had a car accident leaving Duny's house. He had 33 facial fractures. My face, after the accident, is different and will never be the same again. Never. When I find myself with that reality I feel tremendous vertigo. But the same accident gives me two important gifts. It shows me my deep love for my mother, I feel it when I see her enter the clinic at two in the morning. I feel a lot of love for her at that moment when I don't have any mask of her. And the next day, when my friends come to see me and cry when they see my face all swollen and decomposed, I perceive without a doubt that my face was not fractured but the shell. These two experiences become fundamental: seeking to be able to relate to my mother in a good way and seeking my true face, my being.

And I receive another gift these days, unexpected. Despite having lost my face, which was not ugly, but which I could never accept as mine or as beautiful, now I accept myself better, I no longer have this revulsion for my face, I accept it. She's crooked, she's irregular, she's much less pretty than the first one and she's mine. I accept it, I love it. I had to die to my old face in order to accept myself with the new one.

My relationship with Duny grows stronger in the first three months after my accident. For him it is also a blow that opens it. And after three months it's over. He ends up because he goes to his farm in Raquira with an old girlfriend for a few days and I, in my vulnerable place since the accident, can't resist that and I separate.

Now begins a long stage of surgeries in which many things happen, but I am only going to mention two important facts. After one of the many surgeries I suffer another accident, and now my son takes care of me. And at another time of another surgery that causes me to die from anesthesia and I come back, they show me my heart on a screen through a catheterization. And I see him beating nonstop, doing his homework without fainting, movingly always present. I cry when I see it and I feel very, very lucky to have such a wonderful gift. And there I decide to live, enjoy, come to earth. Stop leaving me.

After this experience, Cantoni works with me taking my hand in his to transmit warmth and bring me back to life. He teaches me to earn my money with my work, teaming up with

other people, he shows me my arrogance, my anger, my greed. Each time, I see and recognize more the importance of my time with Felix.

After the accident, a time dedicated to living my life begins, to take care of what is mine and to be the mother of my son. On a professional level, I have to learn to let go of my personal work for a production job. I have to deal with my resistance to prosperity. My reluctance to believe myself capable. My resistance to happiness. And it is in these years when I begin to have a sense of belonging. At times a feeling arises of being part of this city, I go down the street and suddenly I feel like I'm from here.

My work in Mister Gurdjieff's group

The same question always haunts me: what is faith? Then, at Felix's suggestion, he joined Gurdjieff's group. For me it is wonderful to see how the paths of God are shown and how everything is a process. Here I am going to quote a writing from my father that I always have with me. He says thus: "An idea, a work, is never born out of nothing. One leaf grows after another, then comes the flower and the fruit. Successive development is the intimate character of all creative work."

In the Gurdjieff group in Bogotá they teach me to feel my body with acceptance and affection. They teach me to lower the image of my mother to my heart and begin to accept her with sweetness, with affection. It is here where, for moments, in the work with the sacred dances, the transpersonal opens. They call the difficulties that life puts in our way "the little land with which we work".

For me, waking up in the morning was accompanied by a feeling of depression and that the ceiling was going to fall on my head. One morning that feeling appeared again. I sat on my bed and began to meditate as I was taught in the group. And I could hear the voices recorded on my hard drive that had been saying to me since my childhood: "Janni, you're useless", or "Janni, I'm taking you out of school", etc... I heard them all and told each one that I was not going to hear those messages again. And my depression and my feeling that the roof was falling on my head was gone never to return.

This was one of the most significant events of my life. There I saw that I was really being helped both by myself and by others. And those others are here, and also on a more subtle, spiritual level.

With the work in this group, my work with Félix is complemented: after ten years of psychoanalytic therapy I ask him to discharge me. Here I see something very new in my behavior: I went to my therapy judiciously for ten years for myself, but also for Felix. There was a voice in me that didn't want to disappoint the analyst.

At that time I was living a relationship with Alberto, a married man. For both, this relationship is a respite and an illusion of life. And I also see how I relate to others, disappearing myself. This happens to me with Alberto, with Azucena, a woman who worked with me for seven years, with my mother, with my analyst... This is how I relate: my limits are erased and I lose myself in pleasing others. That's why it was important for me that, after four years of being lovers, one day I opened the door and kicked Alberto out. And this comes to me without him being able to foresee it, as if out of nowhere, because I have been incubating it, inside, without saying much. And suddenly a devastating "you're leaving" breaks out.

And I see that I have no reason to be guilty, on the contrary, I am doing what I feel and I am defending myself from being unhappy. This relationship was good for a while, not anymore. He is not a man with whom I can have a real relationship. I fall asleep with a deep feeling of well-being and joy. I am supporting myself.

My labor and economic process

It begins for me a stage of learning to live from my work. And, like a good nine, I'm not organized, I get distracted very easily, I leave essential tasks for later and I also don't believe in myself or my work. And when a client shows up, I almost end up giving him my only work hanging alone on a wall, and he even makes me want to thank him for taking an interest in something of mine. Mine is not worth it. The economic situation is difficult due to this attitude.

And when I earn some money, because whenever I have a job I sell it and earn it, I can give it away without hesitation to others so that they love me, forgetting about my needs and those of my son.

In my work with Félix we agreed that he should look for helpers. Tirso Junco arrives at the workshop, a business advisor. He helps me a lot. Soon I have several people working with me. This again is a learning of years. We make large murals. I have to learn to draw for others to apply color. They demand that I draw better and clearer. I feel envy, I don't want others to paint mine. Every issue that comes up I can work on, talk about and resolve with Tirso and Félix. It is a time of great conflict, crying, not knowing how to stand up to others, not knowing how to defend what is mine. I have to go out looking for clients with a suitcase with my catalogs and photos. Now I must respond with the payments of my employees. And that is the time to recognize that my work is worth it. And that is valuable to others. And what can I charge for it?

Today, I work with three of those people who came to my workshop at that time, professional painters, draftsmen and potters, Pedro, Indira and Pilar. Last week, Indira invited us to her house to celebrate her 15 years of work in the workshop. Nowadays, the workshop doesn't need all my time, which frees me up and allows me to do other things or nothing, sometimes. And today I have a good relationship with money and abundance. A relationship of trust and deserving. And people like my work and they look for me to buy my paintings. And I like to sell them and get paid in return. And I am capable of charging well for a good painting and I am also

capable of giving it away, from the heart. And I am also generous to others from my abundance. Like my father, who was very generous. (Thank you father, you knew what you were doing when you took me out of school and taught me the narrow path of independence. And thank you mother for making me so lonely, because that loneliness forced me to seek help).

My path with Jorge Llano and his school

My friend Janine Spitz invited me one day to Jorge Llano's Wednesday group. And I remember like it was yesterday what happened that night. Jorge put us in pairs to work on our breathing, which was becoming more erotic. I worked with Germán, Julieta's boyfriend. And at the end of the job, Jorge invited us to make a litter. I felt that I had finally arrived home when I felt the warmth of so many bodies below, above, next to mine. I was able to laugh from my insides and Jorge also laughed with me. He was very liberating and so happy that moment. This is how Jorge received me to show me the way to life. I spent two years in Jorge's Wednesdays. I signed up for his therapeutic training.

I started my training and realized that I couldn't go to GurdjiefF's group and also go to Jorge's training because I was going to lose my mind. I left the group and went with Jorge until I finished and graduated. It was a personal process as if I had never done one. Right from the start. All new. Cleaning. Unlearning. Learning. I also did the Fisher-Hoffmann process at that time with Jorge. How it helped me to see that my parents are who they are because of what happened to them in their own path of life, and never because they were bad. Today I am here to care for my mother in her old age, when before, that thought alone made me drunk.

Halfway through the training I was able to go to Mexico with Jorge and other people in the group. And there I had the experience of being here and now, without ego dress, standing in the middle of the desert, overwhelmed, in my true size, tiny before the planetary enormity, breathing. And there I also had to see my arrogance again by not wanting to get into Aurelio's car, who came for us, and get lost, and see that that is what I do with men: underestimate them, not receive what they want to give me, leave with an attitude to spare and then get lost, arrive home alone, late and cold and not find anyone.

There I could see my son in his greatness, after two eagles turned me around and put me on the way back. Then I found Jorge and my companions Beatriz and Nerea, tucked into a sleeping bag under some trees, in the desert, laughing. How nice it is to arrive and meet soul friends. Thank you Jorge, what a trip. Later, in Tepoztlán, drinking tequila and coffee, in Jorge's old house, integrating what we had experienced, we met Don Lucio and received his blessing. And there I knew that I was not going to continue on my way without a partner. I learned that there with Jorge, because Jorge is the master of life and its flavors, of the house, the land, the couple, the children, the animals, the service and the abundance.

My partner

I always wondered why I am so invisible to men. And I realized that I don't see them. The one who was not allowed to have one for me was myself. And I also saw that in reality I had not been alone but had made a couple with my son. And when I saw that I put my batteries to free him and to match myself. And I really started searching from my clumsiness to do it and from my genuine desire for company. And first I met a strange character, half witch, black. The next day I had an erotic one night stand with a young man. And a few days later, sitting in the living room of my house, looking at the little patch of sky that can be seen from there, a cloud passed by and an opening opened up inside me and I knew that love and a partner are also for me.

That night I went to take my dog out, around twelve o'clock at night, and María Helena ran out of the bar on the corner, calling me: "Juanita, Juanita, Hildebrando has invited you to his son's grade on Saturday." I loved that invitation, I had wanted to see Hildebrando for a long time.

And that Saturday that thing that is so new caught me: that laziness mixed with that leaving for later, with that not deserving, and I was able to go to Mars again. I almost decided not to go to that party, I got the sticky fear. Until I finally started: I arrived around five in the afternoon for that lunch, I first met Pablo, Hiide's son, whose degree was being celebrated, then Hilde, so different from when I met him 25 years ago, everything cloth dress. Hilde introduced me to each of her daughters so that she could get to know them. Then the mother of her children greeted me. There was a party and I ended up staying at her house, in a daughter's room. She woke up and I left happy.

A week later, on a Friday, Hilde came to my house with a tape recorder as a gift. And since that night she has stayed in my life. And a year later she had already built her own house around the corner from mine. "I made you a house, she said, so that we could both live there." We've been together for four years now, accompanying each other. And of course, we have had our share of difficulty. Our sexuality is not the best. That is where we both have to work and it is from there, from where I love my Hilde the most. He has been opening up to the workshops, to the readings, to all the transforming thought of Claudio, Jorge, Ramón, Félix. What a wonderful man that he sent me life. Next to him, to! finally I can see my madness and my arrogance and my classism and my ego. How the words that Félix said to me, one day at the beginning of my therapy with him, have become true: "Juanita, when your son accepts the man who comes for you, it is because that is the man for you". And so it has been: Esteban and Hilde love each other. Hilde has helped me release Esteban without abandoning him. And with my mother it has been the same: she has taught me that one of her old people loves them, just the way they are, period. There is no discussion about that, and I have learned to love his children.

The meeting with Claudio Naranjo

We got the SAT 2. We went. We work with Ramón Resino and Suzanna Stroke. Ramón gave me the task of looking for my older brothers, my father's first children. And the enneagram work with Suzy was eye-opening for me.

And finally came the meeting with Claudio on SAT 3. Jorge Llano brought him. And finally I was able to find a western teacher, from my own culture. I feel at home there.

At that first moment I was with the fours, but Claudio told me no, that my face was too sweet to be a four. And he told me to try nine. He hit me hard, because I didn't see myself there out of vanity, but in the time I've been working I do see that Claudio was right.

The meditation work with music that Claudio practices is a beautiful experience for me. I always have to deal with my resistance, rigidity, meddling mind, etc., but what Claudio brings and the way he conveys it is very moving.

In this SAT I had a very important experience working with Ginetta. I threw myself on top of Leda to tell her that he loved her, because I felt that in those days she was not loving her. I sat on top of her and told her about her. At that moment I realized how she was invading her. I expressed it and got off. I told Ginetta that I envied her for being so close to Claudio. I realized that I have to exaggerate so much because in reality I feel that I don't feel. She invited me to go around the group and see before each person what she felt. What a beautiful job for me, a disconnected sexual nine...

What makes me become a sexual E9

Primarily abandonment. Leaving, disconnecting is my primary strategy for survival. My voracity, confluence, deflection, insatiability, orality. My loss of contact with myself. Because the contact is too painful, because what I find is too big a void, there is nothing there, there is no containment, there is only a great space without limits. The place between Mars and Earth is too uninhabited, lonely and cold.

I feel a lot of anger that I don't know how to express: then I bite, scratch, growl and scream. I feel melancholy at five in the afternoon. I can't resist being scolded. I can't resist it. I can't resist being denied something. I have no limits and I don't know how to receive or set them. I don't know how to receive. I don't know how to give. I begin to give so that they love me, to be generous with others without having for myself or mine. And I don't know how to receive or ask for myself.

I do not exist. I have no right. I don't show up. I have no affection. I have no empathy. I am very envious... I do not recognize my tenderness. I do not recognize my fragility or my vulnerability. I can with everything. I take everything. I am the tough one.

There is no time for me and if there is, I lose myself in it.

I seek pain to feel alive. I hurt myself. I'm a masochist. And if you hurt me, I hurt you more with my indifference.

I get scared. There is something very hard in my lack of affection, in my indifference, in my indolence, in my judgment, in my non-acceptance of my body, of my sexuality, of me, in my feeling ugly, in my dressing ugly.

A homeopath in Strasbourg, Dr. Levy, prescribed the drug Hioscyamus for me. This drug has the following description, among other features:

"She wants to bite, she swears, she blasphemes, she curses, she is cruel, inhuman, arrogant, indolent, impatient, very irritable, impatient. Sometimes the aggressiveness turns against itself, with a tendency to commit suicide. She reproaches and reproaches herself. rude Feelings of guilt, remorse. Constant fear of everything. With shocks. She has an aversion to answering questions. Gossipy, reserved. She laughs constantly or excessively. Premenstrual hysteria. She talks about religious topics. Erotica. Exuberant joy or restlessness. Difficult to focus. Confusion. Great veneration and respect for those around her."

The inner work in the sexual nine

Without inner work, there is no chance. Because only from inside work do I have a chance to see my game. And if my game comes from far away, my work will be my whole life. From analysis, to break my resistance, year after year, to be able to return to this world with its sorrows and its joys, its difficulties and its benefits, slowly, step by step. And start talking, saying what I want and what I don't want. To take from the world what I need. And to recognize what I don't need. And to create my own living space. Not to abandon Learn to leave the other their space and time, without the need to run away, abandoning.

Body work has been vital for me. I am here and now, feeling my waist, following my breath. I accept myself with what is. What a relief, back to me. The disconnection has been a rejection of my body and the connection occurs from my acceptance of my body, from my deepest breath, recognizing my intuition, my deepest knowledge. From meditation.

Working in therapy groups is extremely valuable, because I see myself in others and others see me. And group containment is vital. And the closeness of the others is viral. And touching others is vital. And loving others is vital.

Homeopathy has also helped me.

The work is also given from my love for my mother, whom I see today and my heart warms. I can hug her and I can also ask her not to interfere with my issues, without hurting her. And when she opens up and tells me about her life, I can be moved, without judging her.

Also from my love for my father, whose German children and grandchildren I met a year ago, thanks to Ramón Resino. And, thanks to that, now I also have a family on my father's side, since before I only had a family on my mother's side. Now I am more complete, more balanced. And I have always loved him, now from a more just love for me.

Also from my love for my son, whom I love as he is, with whom I love to talk, travel, share. If he has to wean himself, let him do it: I'm here for him.

From my love for me. Just as I am, and with the body I have, which since I entered menopause is changing. I'm getting hipper. I have more arms and more breasts and I am wider.

The acceptance of all this has been possible thanks to my partner. Thank you I'm not alone. Thank you I am supported. (Thank you, Hilde, that you love me just the way I am).