Love

When discussing love, and considering the background of self-directed anger in Self-Preservation 1, we observe that the difficulty is not so much in loving the other, but rather in loving and accepting oneself. To achieve this, one needs to soften their demanding inner critic.

-"Many times I ask myself: 'How do I accept myself? What do I need to accept myself?' In reality, allowing myself to feel that I accept myself is already loving myself. I accept what I am right now. Acceptance heals me, it leads me to love. To love myself internally, I need to be not only benevolent but also self-indulgent with myself." — Merce Falcão

With a strong tendency to idealize, it becomes evident that the type of love predominant in the relationships of individuals with this character type is admiration-based love: generally, the tendency is to admire and idealize the partner. Among the subtypes of E1, where admiration-based love predominates, according to Claudio Naranjo, the Self-Preservation 1 is the most compassionate. Compassion manifests by caring for others from a neurotic perspective: doing everything possible to resolve others’ problems, pressuring them to act according to one’s perfectionist view, and assuming a gentle directive posture, convinced that they are right. One could say that compassion in the Self-Preservation 1 love is affected by their drive to act and by the passion of anger, making it a very warm compassion, yet coming from a cold heart.

The less developed love in this character type is Eros: the master. They cannot walk toward themselves because they have criminalized the entire instinctive world, and in their love for the other, in tenderness, they do not find the pleasure of surrendering.

-"In my case, I didn’t idealize the couple, but I idealized women in general. They were all perfect from the beginning. I idealize in the abstract. When there’s proximity, there's a clash of reality." — Quique Sigue -"The feeling is that I idealized the figure of the absent father, and that’s what led me for a long time to idealize men." — Merce Falcão

In emotional relationships, it is healthy to accept the partner as they are, to love them for who they are, without idealizing them. By doing so, one avoids placing themselves in an inferior position in the relationship. In some cases, individuals have long confused love with idealization.

-"If I idealize the other, I place them on a pedestal, I lower myself, and that begins to develop the theme 'I am worth less,' 'I have to deserve.' If I idealize someone, the fall is tremendous, and there's always something to see — that I was wrong, that I was foolish to trust..." — Blanca Martinez

When one has the dominant role in a relationship, they often feel their partner does not meet their expectations, so this criticism quickly emerges, more or less hidden. The less it is expressed, the more it churns and generates a continuous internal anger. In these cases, they usually end up "cutting off" their partner's head for not meeting the ideal they have built in their imagination.

-"Anger is very physical. You have to do something to get rid of that feeling of discomfort. In my case, it's about 'cutting off' Louien's head, and that eases my mind a little. It's like an escape, but deep down, I don't speak, I don't address the problem, I don’t express my anger, and it hurts me, because in the end, I am decapitating everyone." — Lola Rebordo

"Create an idealized image of love in relationships, one that the couple also never reaches, never arrives.

-Most of my experiences with women were traumatic, and I write as a virgin. I idealized a partner who would be affectionate with me, who would allow me to be myself, but I only encountered ambiguities, manipulations, and lies. To me, there were no precious opportunities or love stories, just the confirmation that someone like me wasn’t enough for anyone to love. From being romantic, I became cynical and bitter, but I never stopped wanting the same thing. I invented my own lover to calm myself before sleeping, and she had no space in my sexual fantasies. I idealized myself as a lover, tried to “improve” in one way or another, to try to escape the obsessive weight of guilt for what I considered my romantic failures, while at the same time moralizing against women and society in general. I fell into the toxic world of “seduction” because it offered opportunities to improve myself while also expressing fear against women, but I had the good sense not to believe too much. - Cristiano Moreno

Due to their upbringing and social introjects, men of this subtype do not find as much idealization: they feel a lot of admiration for their partner, though, deep down, different gradations of the same tone appear, the need to admire.

This is not a character of intense emotions, they prefer sensitive, gentle sensations; in fact, they shy away from intensity, either because they grew up in an emotionally cold environment or because of the fear of emotional chaos, as seen in childhood. Consequently, feelings of love, both for themselves and others, are calm, gentle, affectionate, and accordingly, the expression of affections is warm, tempered, and welcoming.

-When people were very affectionate, hugs scared and worried me, until I joined the SAT Program, and there, like any loving person, you end up getting familiar with it. In the first SATs, I was always on the periphery, went to bed right away, I was emotionally exhausted, couldn’t stay with anyone after dinner, slept a lot, needed to recharge. - Lola Rebordo

In relationships in general, and more so in the couple relationship, they often play the role of the caretaker: a role that, as a child, they perceived was demanded of them and with which they identified. They tend to be overly protective of their partner and even believe they know what the partner needs better than they do. Being a person of action, quick and efficient, always willing to take care of things, they often anticipate and take up too much space, leaving little room for their partner to make decisions, to the point that, under the umbrella of their paternalism, they do not allow growth. The loving love for the other thus becomes control, placing them in the role of the savior.

In general, in Self-Preservation 1, the love for God is more of a wish that God exists, an unattainable ideal, than a faith in His existence or a feeling of certainty in faith. In the case of this subtype, wounded in the area of conservation, it is hard for them to believe in something beyond or feel love for God, the universe, Mother Earth... There is a basic distrust in love, through their childhood experience: a feeling of injustice that leads them to feel anger at God. The God that seems imperfect and does not save them from suffering, is what prevents them from approaching with an open heart to feel His love.

-I believe I experienced things I shouldn’t have experienced. In this sense, God did not do His job, so to speak. - Quique Segue

Their excessive internal attribution, their high sense of responsibility, easily places them in omnipotence, and when they do not achieve something, or do not achieve it in the moment or the way they expect, they become frustrated, which leads them to face God directly, rebuking Him.

-I feel like I’m fighting with God. A broken foot for a year, what’s wrong, God? What do you want to teach me? Because I don’t see it, right? Haven’t I learned my lesson yet? The answer is not knowing and being patient. And that frustrates me a lot. - Merce Falcão -I don’t believe that any God, of any color or size, if He existed, would subject us to what He subjects us to in life. - Quique Segue" -"The concept of love of E1 towards God transforms when they find themselves in difficult moments in life, and, in general, when they accept their vulnerability, they are able to connect with humility and feel grateful for everything life has provided them, for everything they have received. This is the purest form of love towards God. The feeling of gratitude takes them out of the harsh judgment of themselves and others. It is not in my power to know. It’s not that I rebel against God, it’s just that I don’t understand why there’s so much suffering. And of course, with my human mind, I’ll never understand, I just have to accept, forgive, and move on, grateful to be able to see this. - Merce Falcão

They have a deep internal fear of being unworthy, of being tempted by their crazy idea that “if I’m not perfect, I don’t care.” In relational dynamics, there’s a fear of the other’s gaze, identifying with a missing and imperfect part, they feel that if the partner sees them as they truly are, they won’t love them.

-A friend of my parents told me at home, in front of them and without them defending me: "You are ugly" - I am nearsighted and wear glasses with thick lenses, "hostile and bad, you will never get married, you will never say 'If you don’t want anyone in your life, you’ll always be alone.'" I believed her. When a guy I liked

approached me and wanted to be intimate with me, even though I wanted to be with him, I ran away because I believed that if he knew me well, he wouldn’t like me, would despise me, and wouldn’t want to be with me. - Blanca Martinez

Similarly, they have difficulty expressing loving emotions, conditioned by the fear of the harm they might suffer if they show their fragility, as happened in childhood. Thus, they rarely seem vulnerable. As with other aspects of their life, they may see their partner as a responsibility or obligation based on perfectionism.

-There are moments in a couple where even children are, above all, a responsibility, more than a fun or relational experience. It’s like realizing that you see everything so much through the lens of responsibility that at times it can feel heavy in that sense, and also because of the responsibility to do things right. - Merce Falcão

Given the lack of eroticism they associate with love, the Self-Preservation 1 offers benevolence and protection, seeking admiration and respect in return. Their love has a maternal, protective, and affectionate function. In general, they tend to be a considerate and loving partner, always present for everything the other may need.

Contact and expression of sexuality are experienced ambivalently: on one hand, there is a strong attraction to pleasure and eroticism; on the other hand, there is difficulty in letting sexual energy flow without blocking or controlling it. In the background of their relationship with sexuality, there is a childhood conflict between the impulse to conform to their instincts and the need for control due to the fear of punishment. Despite being an instinctive character, they learned to divert and restrict their impulses so much that they end up disconnecting from the vitality of the body. They feel the natural instinctive urge and enjoy sex, but on the other hand, due to the disconnection from the body and emotions, they tend to delay pleasure; or, out of obligation and “should,” they suppress it without listening to it. From the mind always comes something else that is more important or comes before pleasure. In the other polarity, there are extreme states of sexual activity that tend toward compulsion, for which the person usually feels guilty afterward.

-I’m not seductive at all, I’ve always thought that was a shame, just as I was taught. Until I realized that this game to attract others was desirable. I discarded the absurd taboo that sex was bad and, on the contrary, started thinking that it was desirable and good. In my life, I allowed myself little sex. - Blanca Martinez -Sexually, I had to learn because I didn’t know what I liked. After my first relationship, I had some sporadic relationships. It also coincides that I entered the theater. You can imagine: from the Navy to the theater! I had to learn to play, I didn’t know how to do it. I longed for it, but didn’t dare, I felt the urge and interrupted... I was looking for the naturalness of being spontaneous and had a terrible time. - Quique Segue"

"People with this character have internalized their parents' rules and prohibitions to such an extent that they ended up creating their own ethics or morals, with strong self-demand.

Therefore, they tend to judge and be critical, both of themselves and others. Being a character who can be very cruel to themselves, sexual pleasure is often compromised, both physically and energetically. Psychophysical rigidity hinders the circulation of erotic and sexual energy, making sexual exploration difficult and counterintuitive. Performative anxiety, combined with the explicit search for pleasure, in turn creates problems for the available energy to circulate freely, even a little. The absence of self-love, tenderness, and self-care are ingredients missing for sexual pleasure to shine, for their own life, and for their fire to awaken, so they can access a fully meaningful sexuality.

When we arrived in Madrid, one of the inmates was from there and introduced us to her group of friends. Couples were formed, and what I wanted most was to have someone kiss me, touch me, desire me. However, this scared all of them. There was a recurring thought that wouldn’t leave my mind: “You’re going to behave like a slut, when they get to know you, they will abandon you, no one will love you. Leave before they realize and despise you deeply.” - Blanca Martinez

In general, the Self-Preservation 1 opposes pleasure, and it does so for reasons that are far from rational, such as the fear of emotional chaos or firm family authoritarianism. Religious or philosophical beliefs can also contribute to this. In some cases, it can lead to an extreme opposition to pleasure, which can be seen as a gateway to disease or physical and moral weakness.

Mainly during adolescence, the conservative subtype is the one who consciously controls and represses their sexual tastes, who questions what to do with their sexuality, and who judges severely, not giving themselves time to experiment and see sex and pleasure in an integrative, knowledgeable way of others, instead of obsessively and critically.

The self-control and repression you exercise over yourself and your emotions, like the steam of a pressure cooker, will eventually come out on the other side. In moments of great pressure or repression, you may end up leading a double life that allows you to disconnect from the dictates of the Superego, whether they are “good” or “bad.” Then this “nun by day, prostitute by night” becomes real: while developing an impeccable public life during the day, where rules are respected and they are an exemplary citizen, they secretly maintain a private life where they give freedom to the forbidden, their fantasies, or promiscuous sexual behaviors, alcohol or substance abuse...

-I can be serious, reliable, and so on. I went four years without taking vacations, but on the weekend, I partied... I had to make up for it. At work, full steam ahead. But then, at the party, it was perfect. The “requeté,” the “hyper.” With a small group of

friends, we’d throw parties, and there was a lot of fun... It was the opposite, it was a lack of inhibition. It was about researching and exploring the limits. - Sérgio Isla

No matter how many criticisms and self-persecutions you subject yourself to, you may get involved in sexual orgies as a way to compensate for the lack of healthy pleasure in daily life. But it’s not just that: the repressed aggressiveness, whether toward others or yourself, permeates your sexuality in an equally contradictory way. In this way, the person may generate an idealization of eroticism, where certain things are not done, or not said, and where love takes on a mostly mental, slightly emotional character, because the truly critical part has not been integrated. Self-demand makes you sell yourself poorly, when you don’t feel submerged in the least opportune moment, and turn them into a sexual encounter because you fear taking control. Fear, accepted or not, hinders approaches or the possibility of openly showing the aggressive impulse.

Likewise, your own expectations of your partner are very high, which can cause many problems in satisfying your sexual and emotional desires."

"If the bond with the parents is not healed, all of this, combined with obsessive tendencies, in certain cases, may generate a strong resentment toward the opposite sex, which never ends, never rewarding them with what they believe to have earned by being good. Thus, for example, in men, women can be desired and hated at the same time, perhaps repeating the relational pattern with the mother. We won’t find the typical patriarchal machismo of someone who wants to overthrow the tyrant father to win the mother’s love, but we will find a moralistic contempt, perhaps insidious, toward 'women.'

At this point, as part of the healing process, it will be necessary to review the relationship with the mother and father, as the first may have been very close, and the second, very distant. Working on healthy masculinity, based on inner strength, assertiveness, and genuine, unimpeded love and desire for the opposite sex, will be essential. By allowing yourself to be who you are, as well as taking responsibility for your tastes and decisions in the couple’s realm, the path to ending resentment will open, as well as all the possibilities that were once forbidden by the Superego and the lack of an authentic self-expression.

The Self-Preservation 1 generally has difficulty establishing boundaries in their relationships. When they manage to express their anger, they will never feel satisfied with having expressed it – 'it wasn’t the right thing' – not even the way they did it.

-Most of the time, I don’t express it, but when I do, I regret how I did it. I don’t regret having expressed it; I regret the ways I used to express it, which can be molded. – Lola Rebordo

It is a character who tends to take on responsibilities in all areas, and in the case of the couple, also assumes full responsibility for the relationship. Beneath this, we find the arrogant attitude of believing that everything depends on their actions.

When the level of anger is high, faced with the difficulty of expressing it, they usually choose silence and internal rumination, or go directly to give explanations, convincing the partner that they are wrong. At other times, from their particular sense of perfection that prevents them from expressing that emotion, they contain and endure it; and on rare occasions, they explode and let it out.

-It’s hard to hold it in, it’s hard to hold it in without spilling over. I have to calm the fire and then tell what happens to me, but I have to calm the fire; if I let myself go, goodbye! And besides, it’s a heat... I tend to leave, to hold back, or to close off, because in that moment of heat, it’s hard for me to find a way out of that anger. – Lola Rebordo

When I got angry with my partner, what I did was stay quiet, I managed to stay for two days with my face down, it was physically noticeable, my face almost half a meter ahead, but I didn’t say anything. I was hooked on the other person recognizing my truth, seeing my pain... I kept knocking on the same door, waiting for that result. Over time, I realized that only I can feel my truth, validate it, and from there, I don’t need to stay hooked for the other person to see me. – Merce Falcão"