The Characteristic Neurotic Need

The word that describes the fixation of the conservative subtype is worry. It refers to their neurotic need, which fulfills their true need, one that remains masked and pending satisfaction. It involves a disconnection and the creation of a new path of incomplete needs and satisfactions, in order to remain in a loop. This dissociation perpetuates itself in a feedback cycle in such a way that the individual does not directly contact their untraumatized, essential space.

Faced with the unbearable sense of annihilation that anger causes in the child, its nature generates a compensatory mechanism that gives viability to the feeling. It is a necessary deviation that will sustain this primordial suffering over time. It will dose it out in years, decades, at the cost of distorting and hiding its origin. Therefore, we are in the process of its masking.

The visible mask to pull the thread in this subtype is their worried expression. They have a habitual air of seriousness, concentration, transcendence, and awareness. They appear to be a considerate and observant type. This is the superficial perception of the term "worried," one that impacts their bodily expression. The deeper meaning of this neurotic need is better understood if we separate the word "worry." Beyond its synonym of unease, worry refers to the constant need to prepare their behaviors in advance rather than dealing with them. It alludes to the anticipatory and preparatory nature of their personality.

Anger and perfectionism form the core of this character structure. In the Self-Preservation 1, anger is suppressed. The reactive training mechanism transforms it, hiding it in a passion for worrying. Worry means constant control to ensure that everything is perfect and well-done, while simultaneously taking a preventive approach to caring for others' needs and what is timely to do, always from the false certainty of knowing how to act and solve problems. Worry is an energy that drives them to be ever more virtuous and perfect, seeking to satisfy their desire to be seen, to give themselves the right to exist.

Their longing is the transformation of a beast with uncontrolled visceral anger into an exemplary person. Therefore, much preparation and worry are needed to mediate and craft this mask, which is diametrically opposed to their reality. It demands a deep, artificial metamorphosis.

This is a type of anxious control that worries them because everything that concerns them must be impeccable. There is a great self-demand within them, and internally they feel they must do everything "perfectly." Thus, they live with the tension between two polarities: on one side, reality, and on the other, the ideal world they aspire to.

Dealing with reality would involve venting their anger aggressively, but the Self-Preservation subtype will feel the need to prepare for a long time to avoid releasing their anger. They will process their anger, preparing it completely until it is deactivated or calmed, tiring it out, turning it into a sleeping dragon. Instead of dealing with the overwhelming and lethal turbulence that has overtaken them, they will try to disarm it. Their life becomes the epic of deactivation.

-"I keep coming up against the same thing, which is my continuous sermon to myself, saying 'is this right or wrong'; it’s something that comes up repeatedly, and I feel it generates a lot of internal anger because you're always telling yourself that you haven't done the right thing. There's a constant engine of anger and frustration." — MERCE FALCÓ

Disconnecting from anger also means disconnecting from instinct. Anger becomes a taboo to no longer feel, and this demobilization of what is intense, disturbing, and invasive includes everything that makes you feel violent. The Dionysian possesses them, and the Apollonian tempers them. Sex and aggression will be two awkward travel companions. Sooner or later, they will have to embrace the former, but their aggressiveness, and that of others, will be avoided with a very low sensitivity threshold. They are sensitive to violence. For the Self-Preservation subtype, aggressiveness is the access route that connects with anger, the beginning of the path to the fateful, and is automatically cut off in its trajectory. They almost always withdraw from the scene when they feel violated.

-"There are things I see that I would love to be different, and sometimes, I push for them to be the way I want. This doesn't mean I succeed, and above all, when I realize that things are as they are, I sometimes get angry with myself, turning that anger inward." — BIANCA MARTINEZ -"When there's a reality I don't like, I try to change it, and that's where I'm always in the struggle. In the struggle for improvement, for change. What comes to mind is that I lack this submission to reality, that's why I try to change it. If I surrendered to reality, I wouldn't worry, but that doesn't mean I don't see it; I do see reality; another thing is not liking it and another is not accepting it; and then there's the constant desire to change things, to do them differently." — LOLA REBOREDO

The Self-Preservation 1 can feel anger for a long time and hide it from others, especially from themselves. This anger will manifest indirectly, through criticism or judgment, or may remain in an internal mental discourse without being expressed outwardly. Anger is an emotion that arises naturally when a situation bothers us, irritates us, or when we face an injustice; considering that people of this subtype do not express their anger and that the basic characteristics of the character are the search for perfection, idealization, excessive

control over one's behavior, hypercritical attitude, resentment, etc., we can easily understand how anger accumulates within them.

Anger is the basic emotion, while rage is the reaction to that emotion, its channel of expression. Rage, as the expression of internal anger, arises when the anger has already become extreme and is accompanied by external manifestations and aggressive physical actions. The internal rage of this Enneatype is the part of the iceberg that remains hidden or expresses itself indirectly, "politely," through criticism and judgment, and thus, is connected to thought.

This anger, felt and not expressed, is an energy that remains within the body and manifests itself with bodily or mental tension, agitation, internal rumination about the reason for the anger, or the way to defend oneself. In general, it is an emotion that the person represses or expresses indirectly and, above all, somatizers physically. Those who belong to this character are used to obsessively repeating angry thoughts without realizing that the internal engine of anger is constantly running. This character often refers to an internal rumbling, a feeling of gnawing at the bone of anger internally, while in the continuous rumination of angry thoughts.

-"I now see when I feel anger: it's an internal grumble, I'm like a dog with its bones, gnawing and gnawing for two straight days, continuously, obsessively. There's no room for any other thought but this: 'How will I say, how will I defend myself, I will say this and this to them…' and repeat it. I feel a great compassionate love for my inner child, who has no defense other than the anger inside." — MERCÈ FALCÓ -"I really don't allow myself to do that. It's not right to express anger that way, and if I ever do express it, when I have, I feel so much shame for the barbarity of it, for having acted like that, thinking it's wrong, that it doesn't fit in with the acceptance of social relationships, that I start to feel tremendous shame and then, from shame, sadness. Then I spent several days thinking about how I did it." — BLANCA MARTÍNEZ -"For most of my life, I was someone with an aggressive, quarrelsome, and arrogant side, but it was overshadowed by a constant desire for correction, seemingly well-intentioned and noble. I was a good person, and I tried to channel the indignation into different outlets than what I saw at home, but in the end, I really only took out some of the violence and drama. Basically, I needed reactive training, an automatic paralysis, to not lash out. Bullying and other traumas, along with an inauthentic first spirituality, made me more cautious, plus thinking more about my motives, but in the end, it was the same: I repressed my aggressiveness for fear of the outcomes and because part of me felt the response was wrong." — CRISTIAN MORENO

To avoid feeling physically and emotionally the intense destructive force of anger, which he cannot sustain, he will blame himself for the situation; thus, through guilt, he cools or reduces the intensity of the emotion. Moreover, anger serves as a screen emotion to prevent contact with other emotions, such as pain, fear, or sadness, which are hidden beneath the anger. Similarly, anger is an emotional rage in which, in the case of Self-Preservation 1, it becomes stuck in what is not there, in what is lacking. In this way, it becomes a trap, a space where one can settle into the role of victim, complaining and worrying about what is not working. In a sense, anger becomes an internal place that legitimizes its reason for being, since in many cases, internally, SP1 feels guilty for existing.

Existing as a self-aggressor, once absorbing external aggression from the origin, generates the unconscious chronic feeling that something is wrong. There is a background anguish with which he has no contact, as is the case with E4, but it operates dissociated as a factor of concern. It is such a dissolved and perpetual pain that it doesn't seem like pain and does not produce anger. The underlying existential discomfort is experienced as inadequacy. The insufficiency or lack of E4, in this case, becomes an unconscious defect and a constant desire for improvement. Instead of feeling empty, he experiences looping, compulsive filling. There is an ontological lack, but he worries and mobilizes to cover it compulsively. In this way, he does not feel his emptiness, as E4 does. He cannot stay still. In his case, he prefers to worry.

People with this character have a great shame of showing their anger: it is completely forbidden, to the point of becoming a true taboo. They worry excessively and blame themselves for not knowing how to manage the intense sensations that anger produces in them. Expressing anger is their most prohibited zone, a minefield they cannot enter, risking stepping on a bomb and losing their life: that is how intense their sensation is, both physically and emotionally.

This is an obsessive character. Often, he has doubts and inner turbulence. He subjects himself to continuous judgment: "Did I do right or wrong, right or wrong," through the totalitarian thinking of "all or nothing/black or white" characteristic of this Enneagram type. The pursuit of perfection is self-oriented and takes on an anxious aspect, which translates into worry. In this subtype, worry, sustained by fear, is related to seeing dangers everywhere or anticipating conflict situations and how to act in those cases.

He mentally anticipates any possible setback, trying to put everything under control. Worry is a survival strategy, a way to stay in continuous alertness to what seems dangerous. The emotional attitude of worrying is based on the belief: "If I worry, I am safe, I can survive," and for this Self-Preservation subtype, survival is the condition to feel that one exists; surviving is living. Driven by worry, he can overcome the deepest fear and control the experience of emptiness.

This worry also reflects in relationships:

-"I can be with you if I care about you; you can love me, accept me, and see if I am worried. If I care, I can exist." "I worry about others, and this worry has to do with whether it will be good or bad for them to go on that day or at that moment. Maybe it's too early, and they are napping, or too late, and... Or if it would be better for them to tell you like this or like that. It is a worry related to the 'supposed' needs of others, which prevents me from seeing what I need. I worry even before entering into a relationship with the other, anticipating it. I realize that this anticipatory worry about what will be best for the other person is basically a question to myself: 'Am I doing it right?' In other words, I use others to tell myself that I am not doing it right, that it would be better to do it differently." – MERCÉ FALCÓ -"When I'm in this constant state of worry, it's because I don't live, I can't live or enjoy. I'm absolutely focused on what worries me, and it's hard for me to let go, disconnect, and move on to something else." – LOLA REBOREDO -“Worrying is the same as predicting and reviewing everything that could happen in order to anticipate my disaster fantasy. In practice, it becomes an advantage in unforeseen situations (which are the smallest), because it keeps me prepared, and it’s a way of living a little tired from the wasted effort.” — QUIQUE SEGUÍ

Obsession is the fuel for the worry mechanism, and it can reach the point of being labeled as obsessive-compulsive disorder, appearing in both anxiety and depression cases. These are crises of great suffering due to the continuous ideational overload that doesn't give respite to the anguish. It is a morbid and brutal suffering that requires medication in many cases. The general personality dynamics are clearly inclined toward obsessiveness, with this maximalist and stressed approach serving as guidance for life. He becomes easily addicted to ideas, habits, hobbies, or people around him when going through discomfort.

“Worrying” as a fixation involves worrying even about things that are going well. A worry that everything is done well, that it is perfect. So, he ends up worrying about everything: “I won’t arrive on time,” “What will they say to me?” “Will I know how to do this?” They worry primarily about the consequences that might arise from their actions or words. In the mind of a Conservational E1, practically everything will probably become a reason for concern.

However, the basic worry of Self-Preservation is the fear of doing wrong: they continuously doubt whether their actions are "right" or "wrong." Unconscious memories, demands, judgments, and criticisms received in childhood resonate, making them feel guilty for not being perfect, hence their constant attempts at self-improvement. They signed their sentence and will torture themselves, evaluating their own conduct with hypersensitivity to its effects on others, feeling pain for being bad, punishing themselves, as they learned well in childhood. Everything is based on a fantasy of imperfection in the assumed wrong.

Unconsciously, they forgave the father, sacrificing themselves for him and taking on all the blame. They took on others' responsibilities. They were energetically emasculated, blocking much of their potential.

Self-control, as well as the exaggerated need for prediction, are motivated by the fear of external criticism. That’s why they exert excessive control over their actions, so no one will tell them they’re doing something wrong, just like they were told as a child. Meanwhile, internally, they defend themselves in their imagination against an interlocutor accusing them; this is an imaginary defense that rarely leads to action, given their fear of conflict, which they share with the social subtype. They call all this caution “worry.”

-“I feel that prediction is the fear of criticism because, as a child, you never did anything right, and no one ever told you ‘how well you did that,’ now it’s about doing it in a way that you can’t be criticized.” — BLANCA MARTINEZ

Deep down, they doubt themselves and harbor a severe internal judge with whom they continuously judge themselves: “I’ll do it wrong, I won’t know…” These are thoughts that generate great anguish, and although they seemingly overlap, and this internal struggle isn't visible on the outside, this continuous self-sabotage causes them great energetic tension that stiffens them physically: in the neck, shoulders, and back, producing a sense of immense responsibility. People with this character structure feel like they are carrying the responsibility of doing everything perfectly on their shoulders. Deep down, they have internalized a very demanding or judgmental parental figure, identifying with the relentless and cruel Superego.

-“My worry is that things go as well as possible, that they go well. It refers more to new projects than to directed and known activities. In this worry, there is an excess of responsibility and arrogance. ‘It depends on me and my effort,’ and ‘I have to do everything I can, leaving no effort spared,’ are ideas that lead me to contemplate all the probabilities, possibilities, ways, modes, and forms of putting things into action. It’s a way of controlling everything with great doses of self-demand. My worry leads to rumination, which is sometimes irritating and, at the same time, leads to the unexpected appearance of brilliant ideas. When the projects are done together with others, I sometimes criticize and judge them harshly: ‘They’re not doing everything they can, they’re not trying hard enough, if they made more effort, they’d be better, if they did this, if they did that…’ I have resistance, and it’s hard for me to throw in the towel or say: ‘That’s it, I’m done.’” — LOLA REBOREDO

At its core, he doubts himself and harbors a severe inner judge with whom he constantly judges himself: "I'll do it wrong, I won’t know..." These thoughts generate much anguish, and although they may seemingly overlap, this internal struggle is not visible on the outside. However, this continuous self-sabotage causes great energetic tension that stiffens

him physically: in the neck, shoulders, and back, creating a sense of overwhelming responsibility. People with this character structure feel that they carry the weight of making everything perfect on their shoulders. Deep down, they have internalized a very demanding or judgmental parental figure, identifying with the relentless and cruel Superego.

-"My worry is based on making sure things go as well as possible, that everything goes smoothly." This refers more to new projects than to directed and familiar activities. This worry carries an excess of responsibility and arrogance. -"It depends on me and my effort," and "I must do everything within my power, sparing no effort," are ideas that lead me to contemplate all the probabilities, possibilities, forms, methods, and ways to put things into action. It's a form of controlling everything with large doses of self-demand. My worry leads to rumination, which can be irritating at times, and at the same time, it leads to the sudden appearance of brilliant ideas. When these are projects carried out with others, I sometimes criticize and judge others harshly: "He’s not doing all he can, he’s not putting in enough effort; if he tried harder, he’d be better, if he did this, if he did that..." I resist, and it’s difficult for me to throw in the towel or say, "That’s it, I’m not doing this anymore." – LOLA REBOREDO

As with any chronically tense character, recognition is essential to avoid collapsing. If they don’t receive positive feedback, they automatically increase their resentment levels. There is an unconscious need for recognition with which they are out of touch. It’s hard for them to ask for it. The most directly seductive expression of people is exhibitionist behavior, and the Self-Preservation 1 suffers from a huge deficit in expressiveness. From their rigidity and self-control, there isn’t enough spontaneity. To expose themselves means to reveal themselves, which makes them feel like the focus of attention under constant scrutiny. They feel watched all the time, and this destabilizes them. Their protective mind is neutralized when forced to attend to others, making them feel helpless. When this happens, anger and instinct are released again: they enter their beta state, where there’s no mind, no movement, nothing to throw out from the volcano inside. In that moment, there’s a rare opportunity to drop the hypocritical space they find themselves in. And this tension ends up being expressed in the best way possible.

Worry, which manifests as a longing for democracy and as a sign of hyper-responsibility, is accompanied by negative anticipation about what could happen in the immediate future. This obsessive worry about right and wrong, good and bad, is a motor that is always running, like a defensive alarm in the face of chaos. As a child, they anticipated negativity from a parental figure, being reprimanded or punished; it was a way of running to find solutions, of taking care of themselves first, of worrying.

Thus, in childhood, this character structure specialized in anticipating everything that might happen, in order to find valid alternatives to overcome a dangerous situation. It is clearly a survival strategy, the way they soothed the fears of a child, intuited what might happen, so the events wouldn’t catch them off guard.

-"Worry is a perverse mechanism; it feels like I’m doing something when I worry, like I’m going to find a solution if I worry, and all I do is accumulate anxiety." – MERCE FALCÓ

On the other hand, being an action-oriented character, worry serves to rev up the engines; it’s to get into action from impulse, without allowing time to feel or cognitively elaborate the opportunity for action. At more neurotic levels, they want to fix things that don’t need fixing and end up ruining them. They feel the need to keep everything under control, fearing that something may threaten their survival. Their anxiety leads them to worry about everything and everyone.

His moral narcissism is striking. He becomes comfortable with this identification, characterized by hyper-vigilance, discarding any behavior he considers transgressive, without taking advantage of anything that could open him up and improve his inner tension. In this tension of the concerned character, arises the pretension and belief that his effort is worth it, the medal.

-"You are interweaving all the details, all the possibilities, somehow avoiding error because my worry is to control absolutely all the options—what is good, what is bad, if I do this, if I do that. But of course, I do this with anguish because, deep down, what I want is to do it well... It is an active mind aimed at avoiding error, the goal is still to make it perfect. It is a very intense bodily sensation, which keeps you very alert because of the worry, placing you in the action of the mind." – LOLA REBOREDO -"If it's wrong, it's because I didn't do it right, I didn't care enough, I didn't train or improve enough, I feel disappointed and guilty. And this makes me unbearable, and to avoid it, I train and inform myself; I study all the possibilities. With insight, I avoid making mistakes." – QUIQUE SEGUÍ -"My tendency to worry is something that keeps my mind entertained; today it's this and tomorrow it's that; it’s absurd because, all the while, all I do is spend the day worrying instead of living. The worry mechanism is always on. By discovering and observing it, I become more aware, and this allows me to care for it through action, rather than worrying. It liberates me to be in the present, living what exists. A big blank space opens up where I can be, go calmly, approach sensations, freedom of choice, pleasure—a space that was once forbidden by worry." – MERCÈ FALCÓ

The energy held by worry is released and dissolved as you take action and attend to unfinished business. The passion of anger heals when you learn to recognize the hidden needs behind it and begin to express them:

-“It’s good for me to express how I feel, not to accumulate; when I express myself as you feel, anger energizes me, puts me into action. When I stop demanding from myself, when I don’t listen to the inner judge, and, most importantly, when I’m self-benevolent, I feel perfect. I don’t need to search anymore. It’s a great pause! From self-benevolence, everything is perfect.” – MERCÈ FALCÓ

These are people who throw themselves into action with great self-demand, constantly pushing themselves, whether through the quantity of things they "should" do, their quality, or how fast they should be done, and, of course, through the comparison with their ideal of how reality should be.

-"I had to do everything right in every circumstance, and instead of valuing my successes, they only encouraged me to raise the bar. I needed to project an image of security to others, not make mistakes in my work, control my diet. It was and still is common for me to carry multiple projects simultaneously, each with its own relentless demands, and before, I didn’t notice how mercilessly I stretched my limits while facing so much burden. Emotionally, this made me responsible for others, especially my family. The result of a conversation, with a friend or acquaintance, was always my responsibility, including their reactions. I had to carry everything on my own, at all times, and didn’t delegate anything. In the end, to say I was looking to gain something from all of this would be a lie: what I was looking for was to do more, and more, to improve things and myself, ad infinitum. The goal was just an excuse.” – CRISTIAN MORENO

For the Self-Preservation 1, active, quick-thinking people, and dynamic in action, the sense of efficiency and speed is very important. They associate speed with efficiency and need everything to be done instantly. They have difficulty accepting that things happen without intervening or rushing them.

One of the automatons I have, which I wish I didn’t, is getting involved or assuming too much responsibility for issues that don’t concern me. Acting too quickly, assuming responsibility for fears that aren’t mine, instead of accepting the outcome, whatever it may be, without my intervention. Accept life as it is. Life cannot just be the ideal I have in my head. Automatism is the non-acceptance of reality. And the cure is acceptance.” – SERGIO ISLA

In this character, an indirect mode of self-demand is impatience: they demand of themselves by using time for that. They are pressured by urgency. Everything must be done

now, everything must be done quickly, or even should have already been done. Impatience also involves anticipating what will happen, related to predicting, preparing, knowing the time needed to perform an action; all of this is a major source of worry for a character focused on obligations and "duties." Impatience thus becomes a way of also pressuring the environment. Starting each action from impatience directly leads to anger, self-criticism, or blaming others, while they race against time in an endless race. Additionally, the motivation to seek recognition remains unrecognized.

-“I experience my punctuality as an offense to others, or else the others made me seem that way. I would almost say that punctuality is an obsession for me. And what others reflect back is that I offend them. Of course, they are late, and they are directly upset with me because I am already there.” – QUIQUE SEGUÍ -“I am still looking for something to be recognized for, if I do something quickly, everything they didn't recognize me for.” – MERCÈ FALCÓ -“I like to stay calm with what needs to be done, and finally, rest.” – BLANCA MARTÍNEZ

The demands and perfectionism are endless, ultimately leading to chronic dissatisfaction. The Self-Preservation 1 lives in an internal climate of frustration because they never feel complete. The obligations, the internal "duties," lead to great self-demand: they set the bar very high and end up feeling that no effort is enough. We can see how their interrelation with a parental figure ends up becoming the way they relate to themselves.

-"After finishing a workday, I can say, 'Oh, how well everything went!' But how long does that last? When I reach an achievement, how long does that pleasure last? I move on to the next goal. Yet I don't even enjoy my own accomplishments. I’m jumping like a monkey from vine to vine, from target to target. I keep saying, 'It's so much work we did, we were there, shoulder to shoulder, and it's been going really well, and I should be enjoying the achievement for a while, but I don’t, I’m incapable.'" – SERGIO ISLA

When the SP1 looks at others or the world, it doesn't reach the level of perfection they expected: it's always below their ideal, which also generates dissatisfaction, in this case, intimately linked to not accepting things as they are.

-"My head has a life of its own, sometimes I go to a house, and it's as if my head is in another place, separate from me, seeing that the picture is crooked, and it makes me want to straighten it. How could I not notice that this picture is crooked? So much perfection and judgment, above all, it limits and isolates me." – BLANCA MARTÍNEZ

More than seeking a transformation of the external reality, the search for moral inner perfection predominates in conservation. In this way, they tend to hide the imperfection or

evil they feel in the background and build a "good" image of themselves in front of themselves and others. The worry serves to detect anything that could harm their image as a correct and controlled person, and they repress anger because it may threaten their security. Where the concern for image is most noticeable is in the effort not to be seen as someone who makes mistakes in public, something that, for the SP1, can be traumatic. Once again, social acceptance, which protects them from criticism, is fundamental. Additionally, they maintain their image of integrity through good intentions and good actions, rationalizing anger and perfectionism by fighting for supposedly noble ideals. But their desire for perfection is never satisfied; no one is perfect, there is always room for improvement, and it seems they can never get things done well, never finally feeling at peace.