Childhood

The title of this chapter is paradoxical, considering that the Social 2 has not had the typical childhood experiences, nor has it probably ever felt like a child. They developed very early in terms of psychomotor skills, speech, and bladder control. Early on, their intuitive abilities and their skill in perceiving others' emotions and understanding the adult world became evident. This is partly explained by their early development of empathy, exercised with a parent who relied on them, offering them attention and care.

Lack of Limits

The Social 2 soon realizes that neither of their parents is truly available to them, so they establish their own authority. In their kingdom, there are no internal or external limits; everything is possible. There is no containment, either emotional or behavioral, from any figure. The omnipotence image they begin building from their early years of life confirms this ability for self-governance.

"I've always had the feeling that I was older, that I had a place among the adults. My witty comments, my sense of humor, my absolute disregard for limits, and certain doses of impudence on my part have always guaranteed me a place among them. My father, and especially my mother and my maternal grandmother, constantly told me that I was someone special. My mother treated me as if I were her sister (in fact, she often confuses and calls me by her name), her husband, her confidante. But I never felt, probably due to my lack of respect for her, that she acted as a mother. I was both my mother and my father. She didn't know, and I don't think she wanted, to set limits for me. Somehow, she tried to make me free and powerful, which was what she longed for herself."

—Ana Baza

The Social subtype of E2 was not particularly difficult for the mother. They learned quickly to be responsible, to mature prematurely, and to become the right hand of one of the parents, or perhaps, as Paolo Baiocchi says, the left hand, replacing the father when possible. They were a self-sufficient child who was mostly relied on by their mother, and neither she nor the father had to take care of the child.

The privileged relationship between the mother and her offspring does not allow for the entry of the father, who in the Oedipal phase is expelled from the relationship or leaves the family, becoming a peripheral father figure to forget or idolize, as long as they remain at a distance and do not interfere with their desires. If the child allows any form of rebellion against the father, it will always be to defend the mother or siblings who may be treated unfairly, oppressively, or abusively.

"I always felt more mature than my father, bigger than him. He was always so proud of me, of how smart I was and the social concerns I showed. As a child, I was the apple of his eye. When he left home, I imagined that he was not abandoning me, but my mother. That he wasn’t with me was simply collateral damage. I remember the night he left, I told him: 'I understand, Dad, don’t worry.' Everything changed when he came back when I was a teenager. That’s when the idol fell dramatically."

—Ana Baza

From a very young age, the Social 2 shows autonomy in their actions and thoughts, developing a very severe self-awareness and critical mindset toward themselves and others. They are treated as a child older than they are, capable of being the support for adults, which means they don’t learn that they can need others, that they too can be a source of support.

At some point, they begin to take the initiative in their actions, assuming responsibilities that, in general, are well-received by at least one of the parents. As an adult, they like to propose themselves as a reference or guide for others, even invading in their desire to help when no one has asked for it.

"Over time, I also took on the task of calming my father, or at least trying to, to avoid his anger turning on my siblings. Later, I learned to confront him, or at least to try, even though I felt like I was dying of fear and love. I loved my father madly and also my mother, but it always seemed like I had to go to them, and it never happened the other way around."

—Alba Arena

In adolescence, they try not to disappoint, taking on the role of the good kid, with their head on straight; someone reliable who others can count on. This made them feel important.

—Maurizio Mantelli

They positioned themselves closer to the expectations of the adults and the parental system than to the fraternal one, not experiencing the carefreeness of their siblings, nor feeling like their accomplices. This left them with a profound sense of loneliness and of being in no man's land.

The Social 2 will learn that they don't have a place in the family by right, but rather as a result of their actions. Their consolation lies in clinging to a double fantasy: the grandeur they start to build by being so close to adults, and the fantasy that the future holds fantastic surprises where they will get justice and the emotional reward of being loved for what they will do for others.

"I was always trapped in the responsibility of my actions. As the older sister, I had the task of setting a good example, as my mother repeatedly told me, squeezing my heart. This position aroused some envy in my siblings; so I withdrew, I didn’t compete or seek attention, but instead limited myself to helping my mother at home, taking care of the little ones, and not being capricious."

—Alba Arena

From the age of five, I’ve been attentive to my parents' expectations, trying to satisfy them in everything, completely bending to their will.

By seven, I took care of my brother while my mother worked. I prepared his meals and made sure nothing happened to him, so she wouldn’t worry or scold me.

—Maurizio Mantelli

The perception of oneself as someone endowed with a magical and healing love clearly originates in the childhood scenario of the Social 2 and can be attributed to two very important phenomena: the attachment wound, which becomes primarily ambivalent, and the illusion of being greater than their own parents.

The Social subtype of E2 is a good child in their early childhood. They are the joy of the house, they eat and sleep well, they speak early, they are witty, they obey willingly, and they are always ready to please those around them.

"My parents conceived me on a train during a full moon night. I am the result of love and the first daughter and granddaughter in my family. I am a desired baby, loved by everyone. For two years, no other child was born, and each person, in their own way, treated me like a queen while I entertained my subjects."

—Ana Baza

At this time, a triangulation begins to form, one that will not escape them in adulthood, as they reproduce it in their relationships with their partner. If they are a girl, they feel they are the father’s favorite, even more so than their mother, whom they soon begin to see as an equal and a rival in terms of paternal love.

"My father says he adored me when I was little, that I was his little princess. He almost never expresses himself affectionately, but when he remembers those years, his tone softens: 'You were so beautiful... so good...'. I feel that he has always looked at me with kind eyes. Most of my life, I felt I was more important to my father than my mother, and she fed into that. For example, showing jealousy over how he treated me: 'Why does he talk so much with you about things he never tells me?' Or, when we went on trips, my mother would give me the front passenger seat next to my father without me even asking. If there was a problem between them, she would ask me what I thought should be done or try to manipulate me into convincing my father of something."

—Ana Baza

In some way, one or both parents place high expectations and trust that they will be someone important in life and surpass them in status. It doesn't have to be an economic

triumph but rather cultural, social, and intellectual. However, they don't receive emotional support in this journey of yellow brick roads. Some Social 2s speak of parents who were too distracted, depressed, or irritated by the child’s emotional needs. Others speak of parents who were very busy or unable to tune into the child's profound emotional experiences. The parents haven't developed the necessary function to help the child process and metaphorically understand intense and painful emotional phases. Therefore, the child learns prematurely to distract from feelings of suffering, drawing attention to their false well-being, feeling satisfied, or their false sense of fullness, showing easy enthusiasm.

In the excess of trust that my mother had in me, I remember when my school friends rejected me. I thought I was dying of pain. She, in her attempt to help me and in her inability to accompany my pain, told me I had to be indifferent to those "stab wounds" because I was special and they couldn't understand me. She didn't listen to my pain; she belittled it by telling me I had to rise above it: "They are the ones missing out." But no, I was the one missing out, in addition to not learning to accept the part of me that could be less wonderful than I thought.

—Ana Baza

Abandonment and Depression

An original wound of the Social 2, which they share with the Four, although the way out is different, is the experience of feeling emotionally abandoned by the mother. This, even though there are no objective reasons for dependence on the father, is subjected to him, adhering to patriarchal values of the subordination of the feminine to the masculine. In general, the mother, due to the absence of the father, takes on most of the family commitments, without allowing herself to enjoy the pleasure of caring for the children or for herself.

"I remember feeling that my mother was the one I could count on when I had practical and emotional needs, and to make important decisions, mine or the family’s. She worked and was financially independent, earning more than my father. She was also a reference point for her own family. She was available to everyone. Often, I suffered from heartbreak due to her absence, although I accepted it while feeling both a deep sense of deprivation and pride at the same time. I learned to overcome this deprivation by adopting her model of behavior as a strong woman."

—Luana Sevirio

Sometimes, the mother falls ill, works a lot, or must be absent due to family demands. In any case, the emotional contact with the child during the early years of life is insufficient.

Until I was seven, a series of abandonments occurred cyclically, which, although not premeditated, left a very deep wound in me and in the type of attachment I develop with others.

When I was only six months old, my mother had appendicitis and suddenly stopped breastfeeding me. Before I turned two, we moved from the house where I was born, and I lost much contact with my grandmother and aunt, who pampered me a lot. My mother’s younger brother died suddenly in a car accident when I was three years old, and all family members fell into a whirlwind of pain, from which there was little space left for me. At four and a half years old, my brother was born, whom I only saw as a tuber that peed, pooped, and "took" my mother’s attention. And at seven, my father left home to "save" the world.

I don’t remember anyone taking care of me or accompanying me through these wounds.

—Ana Baza

The Childhood Wound

The childhood wound manifests as a kind of childhood depression, similar to what René A. Spitz (1946) described as anaclitic depression. It involves a loss of continuity in emotional development. The disconnect during the fusion phase, normal after the first year of life, is not smooth, and this first separation is experienced as painful mourning. Consequently, in adulthood, this character struggles with separations; furthermore, they will work hard to seek personal validation in relationships.

The pain experienced by the child in the formation of the bond makes it difficult for them to create and consolidate deep connections in adulthood, including friendships. This results in them becoming quite solitary, even though they know many people and are in various groups. This difficulty turns the Social 2 into an individualist who seeks relationships they don’t want to break away from; this is their existential paradox.

"I've always known many people but had few friends, and it’s been very hard for me to maintain friendships. Either I withdrew, or they disappeared. I didn’t connect with abandonment, it just happened, like with my father. When I lose someone, there’s an ambivalent feeling. On one hand, I become numb and don't understand where I went wrong, what bothered the other person, as if by staying dumb, I have an excuse. Some reasons have been: invasion, impertinence, capricious or risky behavior, selfishness, and arrogance."

—Ana Baza

The sought-after emotional contact is a re-proposal of the typical fusion relationship in the mother-child dyad during the early years of life, a strong hidden emotional dependency. Hence comes their constant need to feel confirmed and, although they keep it hidden, a deep demand to feel loved.

"After a very painful breakup with my partner, I experienced my overwhelming need for love. That old deep fear related to survival also surfaced; I touched my most basic need and the connection with that ancient fear of not being able to provide what was necessary to survive, neither for myself nor for my child."

—Ilaria Faccioli

"I think there has always been a muffled cry inside me, which I find shameful to even express: 'Someone, take care of me.'"

—Ana Baza

Grandiosity

In the childhood of a Social 2, there is little emotional containment from the parents. They learned quickly to make themselves visible but also gave up early on the fundamental need to share and understand their emotions, as well as to receive support for their problems.

"I remember, at times, being very afraid of being left alone because my mother often fainted due to anemia. There were several occasions when she collapsed on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do. I always ended up resolving it, but it left me with the feeling that I had to solve things on my own and take care of myself."

—Ana Baza

Often, this child has become complicit with one of the parents to feel some emotional support. It is the mother who asks for their concrete support in the practical and emotional management of the family, or even of the couple. Sometimes, they are treated differently than their siblings in family decisions. This responsibility and illusion of being important, which the child accepts, are interpreted as love that, although it doesn’t warm them, still gives them a sense of warmth in their heart. This soon transforms into pride because it is a misrepresentation. This paradoxical situation may be managed by the child by resorting to a fantasy of grandiosity, building the illusion of having imaginary powers, of possessing the necessary strength to bear the weight of responsibility, and being an indispensable person within the family. These illusions and convictions are confirmed by the manipulative messages from the parents who conspire with this fantasy.

"My mother has always given me a lot of trust; excessive, I would say. When my father left the house, I was seven years old. From that moment, my life changed. My mother told me about her relationship with my father, including sexuality; we did the household accounts together; she asked me for 'advice' about how to deal with my younger brother: I taught him English... She completely relied on me, and I felt very important and proud to know that I was so valuable to her."

—Ana Baza

Simultaneously, one of the parents places their own dream of personal grandeur onto their child, which may or may not have a specific direction. The requirement appears implicitly in daily life or may be stated in such an ambiguous way as: "You must become a... someone great in some way." In any case, the child feels that they must fulfill this mandate stemming from the parent's need to satisfy their own ideal. Behind this request is the narcissistic desire to boast about the child, or the fear of not being able to meet their own ideal as a parent.

"When I took the final exam for Secondary School, I was the second one to finish. When I finished and got up, much to the astonishment of all the professors, the rest of the class stood up. 'But you're the leader!' exclaimed one of the teachers. This episode surprised me, and at the same time, it filled me with pleasure because of the triumph."

—Paolo Bnocche

"If I was afraid or embarrassed about something, my mother would get upset, telling me that I had to be brave. If something surprised or amazed me, she would get angry, saying that someone like me had to be above such things. I often felt like I was being exhibited in front of her friends. She, an E.D., constantly belittled herself, even though she was a very capable, strong, dedicated, and willing woman, except when she was proud of how I was."

—Ana Baza

The King in Search of Territory

The conditional love the Social 2 learned to nourish themselves with, along with the consequent emotional distance from their siblings and subtle competition with the father or mother, leads them to feel profoundly alone. They don’t experience the feeling of belonging; they don’t have a true place in the family.

The need to occupy a place that is not theirs, an adult place, becomes the impulse for this subtype to continue the search for a place in the world, one that lives up to their

expectations, with the secret intention of filling the void of not being seen and loved for what they deeply feel. They have been a child capable of intuiting the parents’ needs and acting accordingly. Sometimes, they even feel like they possess magical powers and can understand the needs of others before their own.

Among the painful experiences that this child hides from others, there is also a deep sense of shame about the behavior of one of their parents, which somehow represents a danger to their social image.

"I remember being ashamed of my mother's behavior in some social situations. I felt she was a wonderful woman but also a little strange, eccentric. Now I understand why I didn’t like her histrionics (she was also a Social 2). It was unbearable for me to see her act so theatrically to reconfirm to herself and others how deserving of admiration she was. I felt a profound sadness and shame in front of my friends. Then, I tried to draw attention with something else: I invented an original game or a funny joke, trying to make them forget the situation that embarrassed me. I was afraid they would realize how I felt at that moment."

—Luana Sevirio

The shame about something related to them and the self-devaluation are experienced by the Social 2 child in a traumatic way, and these experiences will accompany them throughout their life. These hidden experiences, not recognized by adults because they were concealed, will lead them to narcissistic compensation. During childhood, they will behave as a child older than they are, and as an adult, their relationships will always be strategic, and they will maintain a strong intellectual activity.

Most of them were physically larger children than their peers and siblings, with a greater appetite. Regarding their siblings, they appear as "the best," the one who most adheres to the parents' expectations, which are also publicly recognized, so they feel committed to maintaining very high performance.

"My brother was the child who had problems, at any age. My mother always defended him, even when he was indefensible. I, on the other hand, was the child who had to be what my parents expected me to be. They saw me as strong, I felt strong, and I demonstrated it, even at the cost of my self-destruction. I drank excessively, not to get drunk or have fun, but to demonstrate my endurance."

—Maurizio Martelli