Love

When talking about love, it may be worth starting by saying that Self-Preservation 2s "love" themselves more than others. Or rather, they are in love with their narcissistic image. This fundamentally complicates their relationships, as there is no genuine or real interest in others. Recognizing this is difficult, as seeing themselves this way is not pleasant for the Self-Preservation 2. Behind this lies a lot of shame and guilt, and often a poor self-image (camouflaged under false abundance) helps hide this self-love.

"I am unable to truly see the other. I’m not interested. Since I am the center of the world, I can’t see them; I only realize my needs and demands. Although, since the traits of my character are so strong, the initial image I project is wonderful: extremely receptive, kind, affectionate, almost out of this world... When I exercise my power of seduction, which is

huge, I feel light, I feel special, attractive, someone with whom it should be a pleasure to be, to chat... someone with charisma."

There is a lot of guilt in being the way I am, although it may not seem like it. It causes me great pain to distance myself from myself and others, particularly from my partner. I sit and around me, there is a mirrored ball. I don’t see the world; wherever I look, I only see myself. There is no contact, just me and myself everywhere. There is neither the world nor people. — Vanesa Luna

False Love and Self-Sabotage

Before, I thought I danced to seduce others, and surely there was something of that. Now I find myself dancing, seducing myself, charming myself with how much I like myself when I dance, how much I like myself when I cook, when I sing. I find myself looking in the mirror a thousand times a day, checking how pretty I am or how beautiful I feel. — Tania Rojo

False love characterizes this trait. Like other subtypes, it seems like they give everything; they show generous, kind, almost exaggerated love. We call it "false" because it’s love with an expectation of return. Everything a Self-Preservation 2 gives is carefully noted on a list, based on which, at some point, they will ask for or, rather, demand payment. In romantic relationships and also in very close friendships, they reach a high level of commitment (better called pseudo-commitment): giving attention, time, affection, care... forgetting themselves and their personal projects; only later (when they realize it) reproaching their partner for this self-neglect.

"When I fall in love, I forget about myself; I go completely to the other, I feel it inside: FMbbbbuuuuum! I'm already out there, eager to meet expectations, observing, analyzing, converging... If I usually have trouble detecting what my need is, when I fall in love... it’s almost an impossible mission!" — Tania Rojo

The Compassionate Love and Its Destructive Side

According to Claudio Naranjo’s theory of the three types of love, the Self-Preservation subtype has compassionate love as the entry point in relationships, much like all E2 types, as their false abundance makes them generous and always ready to help and care. The purpose of this false generosity is to involve the other in a relationship of dependence, to feel loved and nurture their false image.

They also share with other E2 subtypes the tendency to idealize erotic love, but their sex life is often more in their fantasy, and they repress it in reality. Because of having lived ambiguous or harmful experiences sexually as a child, they may find themselves in unwanted sexual relationships, often driven by the need for affection and validation. In romantic relationships, they often experience a conflict between love and sex, struggling to merge the two experiences, fearing true intimacy and renewing the old sense of guilt for having fallen into the seduction of a parent, which provokes jealousy in the other.

They thus continue with the mandate to behave as a child, where sexual behavior is not really accommodated, although they erotize relationships in other ways. Among E2 subtypes, this one specializes in compassionate love, in taking care of others and supporting them concretely, as they learned in childhood with their parents.

Nurturing and Manipulation in Relationships

The way a woman of this character cares for others is by remaining attentive to the needs of others with her warm and charming ability until the other feels fascinated to have by their side a gentle geisha who, at the same time, is capable of supporting them emotionally and often concretely. Remember that, among the Pride subtypes, Self-Preservation is the most concrete, putting the most energy into action. But they can also suddenly become a tyrannical child who, with their capricious seduction, gets the other to obey them.

"I used sexual seduction to attract men, but I didn’t want to follow through with sex. I just wanted attention, to feel desired, not the actual contact. In a repeat of childhood play, I would look for ‘mom and dad’ on the street. I thought I wanted a relationship, but in truth, I feared the contact just like a child does." — Anonymous

The Path to Genuine Compassion

Developing authentic compassion is very good work for the Self-Preservation 2, because, beyond the harm they may cause with their selfishness, the greatest harm is to themselves. The lack of self-compassion comes from the harshness with which their inner judge treats them. Developing compassion will help them connect with maternal love, enabling them to see others more empathetically and completely, with their pain and their joy. It will also help them connect with self-love, which will increase their capacity for self-support.

"Working on compassionate love in the SAT V changed my life. I felt like I couldn’t hold so much love in my chest. I could see other people as whole, with their light and their

darkness; I felt deep respect for their paths and processes. This allowed me to see myself with a more compassionate view, which has allowed me to extend my hand to myself in moments when I would have previously crushed myself." — Tania Rojo

The Destructive Side of Admirative Love

Admirative love remains deeply affected in this character by being at the service of someone’s need who has the power to secure their privileged position. They may put someone on a pedestal, a teacher, a therapist, or anyone, as long as it guarantees a refuge where they won’t feel threatened or, most importantly, without resources.

They may also use this proximity to power to feel valuable, although they never truly believe it. On the contrary, manipulating someone with power will only reinforce their low self-esteem, due to the sense of not measuring up or lacking the resources to live autonomously.

Idealization and Disillusionment in Relationships

The Self-Preservation 2 feels admirative love, idealizing some people, but, as with other subtypes, it is not authentic love because it is dominated by the belief of "I am superior to the rest of humanity." And although they dress as a child to seduce, they don’t feel they can learn from almost anyone. They offer their admirative love if they feel it will be reciprocated, but if the one they admire doesn’t acknowledge or give them something, they quickly disappear and transform their admirative love into something much more destructive.

"My admiration for some people used to be very strong, in contrast with the contempt I felt for others, considered less important. I would grant some almost divine status, and in this way, there was no space for faith in God or devotional love. ‘I am because you think I am’ left me at zero point, where very little developed." — Anonymous

Friendship and Connection

These are solitary people, who have difficulty sharing and, therefore, maintaining and deepening friendships. When it comes to making friends, they become chameleon-like.

Their great intuition guides them to follow the rules of the game to captivate those they are interested in. They appear pleasing, fun, witty, talkative, and with a touch of mystery, which initially seems interesting. They function better one-on-one than in groups, although in group settings, their observation skills lead them to place themselves near the leader, a position of interest.

Self-Preservation 2s find it difficult to stay in character. They know perfectly well that their hidden face will appear when they least expect it. As long as the other person remains reserved, they will have a challenge to overcome and will keep trying. But when the other starts to trust them, their image of being the good and understanding child gradually fades. Euphoria appears, they get carried away, feeling they have control of the situation and begin to play with the relationship. They invade, don’t listen, disrespect. They make silly jokes. They want to be right.

In the end, everything they’ve repressed in the image of the good child they’ve sold shows up, and when the other person gets angry or disappointed with them, they fall into a deep void; they don’t feel understood. They immediately return to their beliefs, checking once again that they cannot act freely, because when they do, others do not understand them. They may limit themselves to playing the victim, theatrically blaming the other, but most of the time, they decide to give up and close the chapter.

One of the great difficulties of the persona of this subtype is taking responsibility for the pain they have caused because their egocentric position makes it difficult to see the other, and with their self-image, it’s hard to acknowledge that they are not super-good.

"I felt above others simply for not belonging, for not being attached to one environment or another. This has been the story of my life: a desolate displacement covered by pride." — Anonymous

These are distrustful and controlling people, so in order to open up, they need to feel a lot of trust. They need to have verified that they are in a safe place where they can open up, be vulnerable, and reveal their weaknesses.

The Relationship

The life of the Self-Preservation 2 revolves around love (romantic love). When in a relationship, it is because they have one, and when they don’t, it’s because they feel it’s missing. A confusion (con-fusion) occurs: They believe that their happiness depends on having a partner, and thus, they place all responsibility on the other (when there is one) to make them happy.

Their life unfolds in an ambiguous emotional state, combining a sense of lack and the desire for physical contact. In the adult, there remains a childlike dependency on someone they consider older, more capable, and organized, who provides them with physical and emotional stability. Libido plays an important role in this combination. The sexual drive can be intense, but also confusing, and it loses power in the male Self-Preservation 2 when they project the maternal figure onto their partner, towards whom they had a frustrated, fantasized erotic desire. Similarly, women with this trait project the paternal figure onto their partner.

It is necessary to rebalance the source of satisfaction, making it more internal and less external. The growth of a Self-Preservation 2 involves concluding the construction of an internal reference that gives them security about their capabilities and autonomy, a responsibility usually delegated to the partner. They admire and are attracted to stable and secure figures, to whom they feel they can give more affection than sexual energy.

Sandra Maitri explains that the person with this character, after the loss of fusion with the mother, spends their life seeking ways to reproduce that sensation of fusion. This is what they experience when they fall in love: an immense (and fleeting) fullness in their heart. They confuse happiness with the sensations that a romantic partner’s love provides. Instead of directing their energy inward to realize themselves as a person and assume the responsibility of being happy through a full love (not romantic love), their energy goes outward, seeking the piece that fits with them to be happy.

"I give the place of ‘the most important thing in my life’ to my partner, when I have one, or to my possible partner if I don’t have one. I have idealized romantic love: more than walking a section of the path together, it has to be someone who makes me happy. I place the responsibility of my happiness on the other, and thus, I constantly blame them if I feel something is wrong." — Tania Rojo

Challenges in Self-Care and Relationship Dynamics

The difficulty of taking care of themselves translates into difficulty in taking care of others, whose presence they interpret as a limitation to doing what they want. When children are involved, attending to them, the partner, and themselves overwhelms them, as if they can’t be present with others and themselves at the same time. Thus, although they seem so accommodating and affectionate, the person finds it difficult to have their own voice in the relationship. It’s as though to attend to themselves, they must push others out of the way.

And they go and hide from their partner to do what they desire: eating, shopping, hanging out with friends, or if they dare, with their lover. The partner becomes the authority, until their interests are threatened. Then, the list of complaints or the rebellion of feeling submissive and sacrificed will appear. Submitting is not something they admit to doing. And as for “sacrificing,” they experience it as not doing what they want, not giving themselves their indulgence, in order to present the image of pleasing and being well-disposed.

They have a hard time feeling like an equal partner because being a partner would imply being equally responsible with their partner. Deep down, this doesn’t suit them. If they assumed their responsibility, they could connect with their true needs. They idealize partnership life; they don’t want to be alone. The person with this character desires company, but without having to make an effort, as if expecting the joys of being in a relationship to come on their own.

They may endure various dissatisfactions in order to live in their idealization until they explode and blame the other, because they believe they’ve given their affection and commitment, and because there’s no capacity for self-criticism, when their partner tells them something bothers them, they feel deeply offended and think it’s better to end the relationship than to face the difficulty.

Imbalanced Relationships and Disillusionment

Some partners of a Self-Preservation 2 feel invaded, trampled, interrupted, unable to rely on them, finding them going from being fun to insatiable, with nothing ever satisfying them, unable to tolerate criticism... They also feel seduced by the apparent lightness, freedom, and illusion of someone who asks for nothing to be happy and give affection.

When the partner decides to separate, some Self-Preservation 2s are surprised, not understanding the other’s motivations. "How dare they leave me when I’ve given them so much." This confusion prevents them from admitting and processing their part in the breakup. On the other hand, when they decide to leave a relationship, they may have a hard time being alone, projecting onto the other the fear of being alone and hurt. Sometimes, they will say they feel "pity" for the other. There is dependence and a great difficulty in losing the idealized love they once had with their partner or what they believe it meant to their partner.

"Above" and "Below" Relationships

The Self-Preservation 2 distinguishes between "above" relationships and "below" relationships. An "above" relationship is one with a partner who clearly desires them. After a stage of seduction and pleasing the partner to secure the conquest, the demands of this character begin to appear. A cold and capricious person emerges with an endless list of desires to satisfy, most of which are material. The list of desires appears one after another, so that as soon as the partner satisfies one, the next is already in line and soon to be expressed. It’s as if they organize an obstacle race to prove to themselves and their partner that they aren’t truly loved.

"I had a relationship with a guy six years older than me, a person with a big and noble heart. What dazzled me about him was that he contradicted me, and in that challenge, I continued until I won. I fell in love, became dependent, demanded the sky and the earth, and he gave them to me. I asked for demonstrations of love, endured enormous jealousy attacks, scenes... He granted all my whims, demands, dinners, trips... and I was always focused on what he wasn’t giving me or what was missing." — Vanesa Luna

Self-Sabotage and The Danger of Control

As they invest so much energy in the conquest process, they gradually realize that the persona they presented in the early stages is not true, and it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain. When they reach this point in the relationship, they feel the need to show the other side of the coin, and they go to the opposite extreme. Long faces, dissatisfaction, constant criticism, anger (not expressed in an adult way with direct confrontation, but as a child who’s not had their whims satisfied), jealousy, accusations, and reproaches arise.

A great deal of demand for the other. In fact, so much that they will never meet their expectations, as a new idea will always emerge.

"I’ve had countless scenes where I’ve been hysterical, out of control, and my energy was spent on destroying him, annihilating him." — Anonymous

Logically, the other doesn’t understand anything, as they face someone radically different from who they first met. Even so, the partner will try to make an effort to understand. But the person with this character will gradually destroy their partner’s love until they can confirm, once again, that they were never truly loved. They will force the end of the relationship, seeking that the partner takes responsibility for ending it, as doing so themselves would tarnish their self-image as good.

Relationships "Below"

These are relationships where the object of affection for the Self-Preservation 2 is impossible. It’s a relationship where they feel strongly attracted to the other person, whom they idealize greatly. They only focus on the other’s good and wonderful side, not seeing the whole person, and fall madly in love with what they see. In this type of relationship, the person of this subtype no longer feels as secure. They fear being seen only as a sexual object, and at the same time, they engage in sexuality (very actively) as a way of capturing the other; in other words, they fear the very thing they do, as they present themselves as a sexual object. This game also serves to gain some false sense of security from the other.

"I’m all yours, you can do whatever you want with me." A sexual toy; their sexual toy. How many times have I been sexually used in pain and said nothing; I put all my energy into making it not show, especially not letting him realize it, making it seem like I’m enjoying it..." — Anonymous

In these types of relationships, the other person, who just wants to try things out and begins without any commitment, suddenly finds themselves faced with someone attractive but demanding commitment right away. This mistake leads to the gradual distancing of the chosen one. And here, the Self-Preservation 2 loses control. They don’t understand the abandonment and angrily demand the other’s return.

What is the reason for this constant seduction?

The overwhelming need for contact, affection, and tenderness... The feeling of lack is so raw that it lasts very little when someone arrives with whom they feel all of that... — Vanesa Luna

They also fall into compulsive sexual relationships, one after another, in moments of depression, which they cannot sustain. In frustration over lost love or humiliation, they resort to sexual confirmation, often far from enjoyment, leaving with even more frustration and a sense of guilt for having betrayed the image of the good and pure girl, or the good boy who has betrayed mom or dad.

At work, the Self-Preservation 2 seduces their boss in a similar way to how they seduce their partner, in order to secure a convenient and comfortable position with respect to their coworkers. They don’t like direct competition with peers, which requires effort in action, where they may lose. They know that if they manage to win the boss’s favor, they’ll have a huge advantage with their coworkers, whose confusion over the privileges they receive will

make their tasks harder. As a result, team cooperation becomes difficult, and they prefer to act alone, on their own terms, with the boss's consent.

The same thing happens if they hold coordination or leadership roles where they have to confront their subordinates directly. They will feel discomfort in this position and turn to their superior if the subordinates don’t “obey,” which is due to their inability to take their place.

In exchange for these privileges, they are willing to do almost anything. They submit to the requests of someone who, more than their boss, is their protector, with whom they maintain an affectionate relationship, sacrificing their private life for work as if it were their own company. Compliments from the boss are the reward for the Enneagram child, driving their willingness to serve to unimaginable limits. They are replicating the relationship with their boss that they had with the parent they also seduced. And they relive the relationship with their siblings, with whom they didn’t compete directly but won over one of the two parents.

"The compliments motivate me and make me give everything for work. To maintain my image as a good employee in front of the boss, I am capable of going to extremes, working until I’m exhausted. But I don’t do it for the work, I do it to avoid disappointing him." — Anonymous

Crisis When Unable to Seduce

When the person with this character cannot seduce their boss, they enter a crisis; they feel lost, lacking motivation to work hard. They don’t feel seen or valued, and they don’t know how to be just one of the crowd. They might give up easily.

"I had a boss I couldn’t seduce. I started to hate him. Since there was an undeclared war between that boss and another from the department, I was very clear that I would join the other one to annoy him. In the end, we all succeeded in getting him fired from the company." — Anonymous