Emotionality and Fantasy

If we consider the Self-Preservation 3 as a “doer” or a “factory of results,” a disposition of their being oriented towards taking action, we can observe that this E3 doesn’t truly feel but rather “manufactures” feelings to align them with a specific objective: earning

recognition. Their compulsion for action leads them to disengage from their own emotions, as emotions serve no purpose. They hold the belief that “feeling” is “not very productive,” a function that “can” be dispensed with since it doesn’t contribute to achieving specific goals.

When the Self-Preservation 3 pauses and realizes that, by creating a persona, they have “banished” the self, they often confront an “emptiness of self.” The primary emotion that surfaces in this state is fear, recognized as an earlier, original aspect of their character. They lack trust, therefore, in their own emotions and only give them room when they become “unbearable” and “hinder productivity.” Their relationship with emotions is highly calculated; they grant them space while keeping them under control, deciding how, when, and why these emotions are expressed, always accompanied by justifications and reasoning. With spontaneous emotional expression blocked, the Self-Preservation 3 typically presents themselves as secure, self-sufficient, and even arrogant.

However, as these emotions are confined without a real link to the heart, when they unexpectedly surface, it triggers a sense of vulnerability that they compensate for with action, often taking the form of a challenge or self-improvement. The following testimony is enlightening:

I remember when I received the news of my father’s death. Instantly, a weight of tons settled in my chest; I could hardly breathe. I felt paralyzed for a few seconds, and then my mind began to work at full speed; within minutes, I had organized travel arrangements, made decisions about matters at home, and even called my office to instruct my secretary, all with my husband by my side, ready to assist. — Vera

The conservationist has, in short, an enormous difficulty in “allowing themselves to feel” and syncing with the natural rhythm of their heart.

Another of their characteristics is the habit of “looking out” and assessing if the image “aligns” with the situation at hand. This leads to an obsession with “not causing disturbance” and ensuring emotions are timed perfectly. It’s not difficult, therefore, to understand why there’s so little tolerance for criticism: if it arrives after expressing a particular emotional state or a charged opinion, be it anger or sadness, the Self-Preservation 3 often disconnects, becomes unsettled, and withdraws. The fear of “not being valid” and the looming sense of danger arise because the relationship with others is at stake if something they do or feel is frowned upon. Let us look at the process of emotional repression:

It’s as if I only allow myself to feel after the situation has concluded. I feel like I repress and delay my emotions. Allowing myself to feel in the present moment is complicated, it’s hard

to explain, but there’s a big blockage at the moment the emotion is processed. — Sandra

Now we can understand how and why this subtype anticipates and imagines the situations it will face, then later fantasizes about how they could have done better. It essentially pre-programs events both into the future and the past, leaving little room for existing in the present and experiencing a situation as a process, with the ability to listen to what is required. The E3 conceptualizes emotions, and at the appropriate moment, they appear as rehearsed in advance. These individuals are often unaware of this emotion-fabrication; they regard as authentic what is nothing but a performance:

My mind works constantly, anticipating situations, considering various possibilities, imagining the worst-case scenarios, just to have everything under control. Not only do I conjure up images and potential outcomes, but I also ask myself how I would feel. It’s as if I’m not just fabricating scenes but also emotions. — Maribel

In this emotional concealment, vulnerability remains hidden from others and confined to the intimate sphere. This person finds it challenging to reveal their feelings and recognize the need to be cared for.

It’s not surprising that the Self-Preservation 3 often appears cheerful and uninhibited, a gracious host in social situations, attentive and fun — a conduct that is only superficial. They are not really connected to true joy, which originates from a sense of love that inside them has withered. Neither do they know how to have fun. Leisure or pleasure are considered time-wasting, similar to the act of “feeling,” which they believe is only valuable if it serves a purpose. They also perceive friendship as a form of assistance rather than companionship. Friends are kept “just in case” for potential emotional danger or future loneliness, not purely for the warmth of their company. This outlook extends to social gatherings, where “talking for the sake of talking” or “getting together to pass the time” are unthinkable. They must have a practical purpose, with Self-Preservation 3 fulfilling a function: being a host, providing entertainment, offering wit, being a confidant, helping in some way…

However, as mentioned earlier, the most distinctive aspect of their emotions is that they manufacture them, often “mimicking” the environment or situation. This fabrication is frequently so automatic that it happens without conscious awareness. As the Self-Preservation 3 learns to slow down, they learn to let go of this habit. As Suzy puts it, “I felt what I faked, not what I actually felt.” Assumpta describes it as “sad eyes hidden behind the image of happiness.”

The ability to fabricate emotions manifests across various aspects of life. For example, a common fantasy among conservatives is the belief that they exist in the world to make it better with their presence. There is the anastrophic fantasy about becoming a reference figure for others, someone who helps and is necessary. In striving for this, they often live above themselves and fail to fully embody the person they truly are.

On the flip side, there’s the catastrophic vision that if they don’t take action, something terrible will happen. The Self-Preservation 3 believes they are indispensable to the world, especially their family; if they were absent, everything would spiral out of control. This rings true particularly with children. If they stop, everything around them will stop; that’s why they can never get sick or depressed. And if they don’t “keep everything running smoothly,” when the time comes that they’re in need of help, they won’t get it because they won’t deserve it.

There is great difficulty in seeing reality, not as in their fantasy, but for what it actually is. Given their inclination to do “everything possible for others,” they struggle to conceive or accept the idea that the other person might “fail” them – meaning, not tend to the situation as they would. In essence, their fantasy revolves around the belief that “If I do everything that is expected of me, when the time comes, the other will do everything that I expect of them.” This showcases how an Enneagram Type 3 conserves and emotionally invested in their future security.

In the realm of sexual fantasies, desires often compensate for containment and self-effacement. They frequently involve themes of freedom and expansiveness:

My sexual fantasies always revolve around being with men I’ve loved. There’s a lot of freedom, and we do it in the sea, on the beach, in the forest, in the swimming pool... Always in open and distant places, like deserted islands. — Nilda

They often include taboo topics, and the thrill of the forbidden, as an escape valve for control:

“My fantasies are linked to having sex on a travel bus. It’s full of passengers, and at night, while they’re asleep, my boyfriend and I begin making love. Then they wake up, watch, and get aroused… Several people start masturbating or having sex too.

They’re always in public settings, in places where I don’t know anyone and don’t have to worry about my reputation, like on the beach or in a show house; there’s always a crowd watching, and others readily join in sexual acts as well.” — Sandra