Passion in the Sphere of Instinct: How Vanity Works In The Sexual Subtype

When vanity infiltrates the sexual instinct, the focus shifts to seeking approval and becoming an object of desire. From a young age, the Sexual 3’s sense of worth is tied to being an object of lust, and attracting the attention and desire of others becomes an obsessive pursuit.

The passionate drive for vanity is channeled into romantic relationships. The Sexual 3 strives to be the perfect partner, seeking an ideal mate who can provide the validation they crave. They believe that by being the ideal companion, they can soothe their anxieties, insecurities, and existential fears. This leads them to repress their own needs, focusing entirely on their partner to find a sense of existence. As a result, they often neglect personal growth, both professionally and socially, as independence is not a priority for them. They expend their energy on suppressing and controlling their emotions and thoughts, rather than developing their own individuality. This perpetuates a cycle where they increasingly strive to remain attractive, as only a partner can provide the security they seek, both in terms of survival and emotional connection.

I’ve noticed that I feel much more secure and at ease in the intimacy of my family or with my husband. In these situations, I can express myself freely without self-judgment and show tenderness, openly conveying my affection with gentleness. However, when it comes to social situations, my shyness takes over. Even the mere thought of speaking in public can leave me paralyzed; a wave of fear courses through my body, and my mind goes blank. Deep down, there’s a nagging feeling that I have nothing valuable to say, that others are more articulate, smarter. I find myself comparing and succumbing to fear. The intense craving to be liked and loved is so overwhelming that I’d rather remain silent. There’s also the illusion that merely being present might lead others to acknowledge me because I’m not a burden but rather a feast for the eyes.

By channeling their efforts into captivating and pleasing only one person, they find themselves with less to offer to the world at large. They can become clingy with this significant other, as their world revolves predominantly around them. They live for themselves or for this idealized family union, with their emotional realm completely

entwined with their partner’s. A mere conflict can be sufficient to disrupt everything. Despite their fervent desire to be viewed as a unique individual, this character has yet to fully grasp that the dynamics of a two-person relationship, common among the sexual subtypes, extend beyond just romantic partnerships and encompass any significant relationships, whether friendships or others.

Within this context, the sexual instinct loses its natural function as a pursuit of pleasure and activation of the sexual impulse. Instead, it becomes an automatic seduction in the pursuit of intimacy with another. This intimacy, unfulfilled in their relationships with both their mother and father, becomes something the Sexual 3 sells, akin to a product or a promise both to themselves and to the other person. It lacks the depth of an emotional or existential experience. Naturally, this illusion eventually yields disillusionment—specifically, the disappointment of not being able to attain the envisioned complete loving union. And this disillusionment fuels their vain passion to persist in marketing themselves, their bodies, and their uniqueness to others.

The Sexual 3 excels at projecting the facade of perfect love, leading you to believe that they’ll remain affectionate forever. A true expert in simulating affection, they convey warmth through their smile, convincing you of the idea of unconditional and everlasting love. Yet, when they let their guard down in intimacy, their true self emerges—cold and rigid:

I find myself often caught in fantasies of an ideal love, always envisioning a future relationship as something wonderful. This habit prevents me from fully engaging with my current partner and appreciating the present. I’ve been in two simultaneous relationships, cheating on both, and I continuously catch myself idealizing either connection, convincing myself that it will bring happiness or resolve my dissatisfaction. Yet, ultimately, I can’t commit to either; I’ve become addicted to this pattern. I can see it, but I can’t break free from it.

After leading my partner to believe I’ll be there forever, being the ideal man, seducing her, and consciously or unconsciously doing everything right, I often find myself shifting into a phase of criticism and constant demands. It’s as if I start to present a bill for all my past actions. It’s like making her pay for having relaxed. Having already achieved what I wanted, it’s paradoxical; it feels like something is lost or missing. This leads to a significant increase in criticism and demands regarding my partner’s actions and words. It almost turns into a competition, a strange and unhealthy notion that my partner can hardly measure up to my expectations. And so, the passionate search continues.

I sometimes feel like I was destined to get married, take care of a family, and have a man in my life. Despite my desire for independence and autonomy, I struggle to break free from this dependency on men. I become entangled in confusion, unsure of what I truly want.

I recognize that there was a certain swagger in my past behavior. I believed that being seen with different women elevated my status in the eyes of others, making me feel special, unique, more attractive, and enigmatic.

Sexual 3s, who often confuse their genuine self with appearances, derive their self-worth from the reflections they receive from others. They fall in love with the image projected back to them, which leads them to become overly accommodating and highly dependent. In their relentless pursuit to be liked, they share with the other E3 subtypes the peculiar notion that one must be useful to earn affection. This idea takes a specific form in the Sexual 3s, as they are willing to be used as objects. They often replicate an infantile pattern of caretaking, stemming from their own childhood experiences. In their early years, they might have been seen as the “long-awaited” child – the one who needed to be good, charming, and cute, the ideal partner that the parent desperately wanted. Today, they often still embody this role.

In a more or less explicit manner, this may involve becoming a sexual object if it’s necessary to be loved. As a consequence, they often blur the lines between love, tenderness, and sexual attraction. They associate sexuality with the requirement to earn affection and learned, in their primary relationships, to link sexual contact with emotional intimacy. Many of them were children who were seduced by a parent, often of the opposite sex. This shaped their behavior and taught them to fill their insatiable emptiness with seduction, which became their primary form of connection – it permeates every aspect of their being, from their gestures to their looks, tenderness, and mannerisms. Consequently, they may lean into complacency and sexuality, driven by the idea that they must be desired to be loved and to exist.

They don’t invest themselves emotionally in sex and even consider it rather dull, although they’ll always put on a façade to suggest otherwise. What truly arouses them is the chase. The Sexual 3 delights in the thrill of being appreciated for who they are. Selecting a target and successfully winning them over offers a fleeting respite from the perpetual emptiness experienced by depending so heavily on the approval of others.

I derive my worth from the ability to be liked, to be found attractive, and to be admired by others. This is where the aspect of being a sexual object comes into play, although it was somewhat concealed for me. I wasn’t always conscious of the allure of my seductive qualities, gestures, and posture. All these tools were at my disposal to attract women and secure my place in the world.

I remember that, particularly during my adolescence and early adulthood, although there was an element of seduction in my behavior, it was somewhat subtle. What motivated me more was being chosen, specifically by the opposite sex. Being noticed and validated by the

woman in question provided the security I craved. I felt, in a way, indebted, which I believed I had to repay through sexual intimacy and indulgence.

With their instinctual energy subdued, they find it difficult to pursue their own desires. They remain fixated on being desired and chosen, a need they must convince the other to fulfill by portraying a carefully crafted image—a better version of themselves they can superficially present to the world. In their own words: “I claim they’ve chosen me, but little do they know about the elaborate performance I’ve put on.”

A shared theme among Sexual 3s is a profound sense of loneliness. Many of them have experienced a deficiency in genuine loving connections with their parents. Their relationship with the parent of the opposite sex, in particular, may have been tainted by manipulative seduction, leaving the child confused. The enduring, unconscious inner experience stemming from this lack of parental support is one of sadness, fear, insecurity, and anguish:

I experienced a lack of care from my mother and father during my childhood, leaving me feeling incredibly vulnerable and unprotected. I was all alone, overwhelmed by insecurity and fear. It was only when I began to take care of my mother that I started to sense recognition.

What’s evident to me is that when we yearn for support due to a lack of it, we instinctively transform this need into usefulness for others. We end up taking care of others with the hope that they will return the favor, thus satisfying our own longing for support and protection. We become a means to fulfill their expectations and can go to great lengths in the process. In doing so, we utterly forget ourselves and lose sight of our own identity.

The inner child remains fixated at an Oedipal stage, where it desperately seeks the love of the parent of the opposite sex, driven by an unconscious desire mixed with guilt for what the child interprets as incestuous urges. In this internal paradox, the Sexual 3 begins to suppress their erotic energy, perceiving it as a threat to their inner balance. They learn to repress their desires, attempting to tame their inner passions until they transform into something more socially acceptable, akin to a well-groomed poodle pleasing its owner. This fixation becomes particularly apparent when they find themselves ensnared in a love triangle with their partner.

With a lack of internal reference and self-love, they delve into a third facet they confuse with love: fantasy. Lacking internal security, they search for love externally, often through indulgence and obsession. They become excessively dependent on anyone who makes them feel loved. Being desired and loved by someone intoxicates them, and this feeling of inebriation represents a form of narcissistic self-eroticization through the enchantment of the other. They experience it like a daily-needed drug to fill the void of not truly being themselves. The dependence that Sexual 3s instill in others to secure their continuous

surrender and admiration is so intense that they find themselves trapped in their own game.

Realizing the impact I have on men, or when I walk into a room full of people, is what fuels me. I love it, it propels me forward, and it gives me strength. With this, I conceal my deep-seated insecurity and the fear of not truly being myself. I forget the robot-like feeling inside me, which results from losing touch with my spontaneous emotions and genuine needs. However, nobody notices this because I present myself as a gift to others. The desire to charm has turned into a sport, an obsession. It’s where I put in the most effort, where I feel a sense of accomplishment, almost as if I’m earning trophies.

Vanity has become the primary avenue for experiencing emotions. Without a mirror that reflects not just an image but also emotions, Sexual 3s find it challenging to get in touch with them. They eroticize to experience their own eroticism through others. They captivate, delving into an intimacy that would embarrass them if a third party were to witness this entanglement, all in an attempt to feel their nuanced inner world.

I have a tendency to eroticize everything, making it so captivating that it’s bound to be admired. At times, I even convince myself that there’s an invisible thread behind everything I do, unifying and making it harmonious, precise, and almost exquisite.

The moment someone shows interest in me, I become entrapped, setting the stage for my own deception (and, of course, the other person’s). I begin convincing myself that I do love her, even if I don’t feel it at the moment. I persuade myself that it will develop over time. Despite an inner voice telling me otherwise—that there’s no genuine desire for that woman and that I’ve simply been swept away by her interest—I become oblivious and deaf to this inner voice, only acknowledging it once I’m already completely enmeshed in dissatisfaction, burdened by the lie I’ve constructed, and enduring it for far too long.

Once they’re in a relationship and no longer feel the need to chase after their prey, they switch off their sexual charm, giving up on trying to be attractive for their partner. Instead, they start testing their significant other, revealing their own flaws, mistakes, and a whole array of negative qualities they wouldn’t show to anyone else. They once presented themselves in the best light, but now they drop all pretense to see if they’re still adored.

Now, they’re the ones withholding affection. They’ve already achieved what they longed for: attention and love. As a result, they begin to degrade their value. They stop being sexually available—well, deep down, they never truly were, even though their performance might have suggested otherwise. No longer concerned with catching the attention of their current partner, their focus shifts toward conquering someone else.

The Sexual 3 is scared witless when it comes to desire. They struggle to initiate any contact and may go to great lengths to completely ignore their object of lust out of sheer fear. When they do acknowledge it, they feel incredibly vulnerable and panicky. Their apparent lack of resources to establish any genuine connection leads to physical, emotional, and mental paralysis. It’s a triple barrier that results in freezing and distancing because anything more would imply genuine interest, a prospect they find utterly terrifying.