The Characteristic Neurotic Need

Claudio Naranjo explains:

The key word is masculinity or femininity, depending on the gender in question. If we were to translate this into the context of a neurotic need and examine the driving force behind this personality type, it would be something like the need to attract, the need for self-validation, and the desire to feed one’s vanity by being sexually appealing to a partner or others. It’s quite straightforward. This suggests an identification with a somewhat arbitrary image. It’s as if the development of this image compensates for a lack of attention, creating a backdrop of insecurity about one’s own value. There’s a desperate attempt to be likable to escape the feeling of worthlessness, as if what one truly is defies categorization or price in the realm of personalities and personal preferences.

The neurotic need of a Sexual 3 is to attract through what can be seen as an existential endeavor. Since most individuals of this type are female, we quote Lola Hoffmann’s description of the myth of femininity:

The woman grapples with two significant voids: a sense of sexual emptiness and spiritual hollowness. This leads her to energetically enter a man’s life, aiming to assert control and exploit him in an attempt to alleviate her own frustrations. I refer to this as the myth of the mermaid or femininity, which causes significant suffering. The mermaid, driven to captivate men, is, from the waist down, a fish—completely cold, embodying both femininity and frigidity. She may allure the man, but she fails to truly satisfy him. Instead, this piscine aspect compels her to seek retribution, sinking the man, dominating him, and ultimately destroying him by subjecting him to her will.

This myth of femininity seduces men and women alike. It offers the woman a form of power over the man, derived from what she has absorbed from a patriarchal society. However, the tragedy lies in her “triumph” over the man, which comes at the cost of her own identity—of her personhood. Conversely, the chauvinistic or patriarchal man does not appreciate a woman as an individual and is, therefore, significantly enticed by the siren, who he later realizes seeks to undermine him.

Patriarchy is not solely the “fault” of men; it’s a pervasive societal phenomenon involving all of humanity. Women, consciously or not, work against their own interests, inadvertently supporting patriarchy. They have been conditioned to desire family, prioritize child-rearing, and create comfort for their partners. This conditioning encourages individualism, selfishness, and self-isolation.

The concepts of femininity and masculinity have been historically influenced by family dynamics and cultural factors. Attractiveness in a man or woman has been associated with qualities aligned with their traditional roles. Femininity embodies attributes such as understanding, vulnerability, affection, child-care, and compliance. In contrast, masculinity is linked with virility, strength, sexual appeal, competitiveness, and dominance.

Sexual 3s engage in flirtation and actively seek the attention of others, all while maintaining distance upon encounter. This pursuit of seduction is primarily focused on gaining validation for being attractive rather than seeking physical pleasure. They are aware of being observed but often pretend not to notice. They may even believe they are desired without any effort on their part. The hallmark neurotic need of pleasing others exudes a considerable amount of energy towards attraction. Their seduction is largely unconscious, and they may not recognize their efforts to mold or transform themselves according to others. These adaptations manifest physically through body modifications, emotionally by keeping feelings at bay, and behaviorally by making one’s actions entirely functional for the sake of being alluring.

In matters of courtship, they typically remain passive and await the other person’s advances. They do not proactively engage but instead present themselves as approachable. They may even lead the other person to believe they are a passive and innocent party in this seduction. In this “passivity,” they delude themselves into feeling secure as a kind and interesting individual, though this security is often a facade.

In the bedroom, they strive to be the best to the point where they’re willing to go as far as performing acrobatics just to please their partner, completely losing sight of their own needs and desires:

In my own sexual experiences, which have often felt frustrating and paralyzing, I’ve struggled to fully engage in the intimate aspect of a relationship. When I first began having sex around the age of fifteen, I was so consumed by my desire to impress my partner, to seduce them, and to create a captivating and enchanting atmosphere that I lost touch with my own presence (a paradox indeed!). I found enjoyment in my partner’s pleasure and their admiration of my charms, unknowingly feeding my vanity to the point where it became repulsively inflated, akin to that of a diva.

By marketing their sexual skills, they seek acknowledgment, focusing not on pleasure but on gaining acceptance. In their unexciting lack of genuine engagement, the Sexual 3 openly admits to faking orgasms and feeling like an object used for the other’s enjoyment…the sooner it’s done, the better. The fear of experiencing an orgasm stems from the surrender, vulnerability, and loss of control it entails.

At the age of thirty-two, after being in a committed relationship for eighteen years, I experienced my first orgasm. It happened while I was alone, through masturbation, a skill I learned from a book on sexuality. I was utterly terrified, not understanding what my body was going through; it was convulsing uncontrollably. “I’m dying!” I thought. The only instinct I had was to quickly get dressed and run away; running felt like the only way to escape from something I couldn’t control, a sensation that simultaneously brought me satisfaction and fear. Orgasms made me feel vulnerable, and I was frightened by that vulnerability, so I began to fake them. Faking became my crutch, and I continued simulating orgasms for a long time because I was still emotionally absent in my interactions with others and, as a result, couldn’t genuinely feel anything.

When it comes to sex, they prioritize the satisfaction of the other over their own pleasure, even when it borders on abuse. The Sexual 3 often struggles to acknowledge aggression due to their difficulty in recognizing it. They have this notion that their body exists for the other’s pleasure, and their emotional disconnection serves as a protective mechanism against potential harm.

This disconnection is linked to a reluctance to fully surrender, manifesting as a mindset of, “Even if you touch me, you won’t truly have me. My body is one thing, but my heart and soul are another.” Deep down, there’s a fear of physical contact, leading to a distancing through deceptive actions like faking orgasms.

It’s not uncommon to hear stories of abuse among Sexual 3 individuals. Some women, from an early age, have unintentionally attracted older men, often misinterpreting their attention as a substitute for the love they may have missed from their fathers. This pattern of seduction, disregarding potential consequences, often traces back to formative years, where the seeds of these bonds, driven by attraction and sexual pleasure, have their origin in the relationship with the father. Sadly, in some instances, the result has been experiences of violence and even sexual assault.

By the time I was eleven, my body had already developed to the point where it resembled that of a sixteen-year-old. I was attracting the attention of older men, but this precocious physical development didn’t lead me toward exploring my own sexuality. Instead, it pushed me into a systematic and somewhat unconscious pattern of seduction. I often confused the way others looked at me with the feeling of being loved. Back then, this gaze felt nurturing, and I didn’t want to be held responsible for the desire it might awaken. In fact, this

confusion about how others looked at me led to some problems, including an attempted rape and, later on, a real one. Even during those incidents, I was in a state of confusion and didn’t fully grasp what was going on. Something within me, thirsty to love and be loved, made me believe that any attention was love; the mistreatment too, because I forgave my aggressors.

Faced with aggression, the Sexual 3 disconnects from the physical pain and empathizes with the abuser. They channel all their energy into pleasing them and ensuring that they don’t perceive their actions as wrong. Moreover, they strive to keep these actions hidden, fearing exposure. They are willing to endure a relationship with the abuser out of a fear of losing what they perceive as "love." Deep down, there is a profound need for affection, and they believe that any negative attention or withdrawal of affection from the other person means they are not loved.

Sometimes, they can sustain toxic relationships simply because they work sexually. In some cases, constant conflict intensifies the sexual bond because reconciliation becomes a way to regain the other person’s love. It becomes a cycle: with conflict, the other person temporarily withdraws their affection, and, consequently, the Sexual 3 feels compelled to engage in a conquest to win it back.

I felt such despair due to my husband’s sexual and emotional rejection that my conclusion was clear: he no longer found my body appealing. This, in my mind, meant he no longer cared for me as a person. I was prepared to do anything to regain his love; I would have jumped in front of a train if he had asked me to. In a moment of profound disconnect, I impulsively turned to a plastic surgeon for breast reconstruction. I was in the throes of my neurosis, driven by a madness for vanity, where I blurred the lines between self and body. I equated love, both giving and receiving, with physical appearance. I firmly believed that by having an attractive body once again, I could win back his love!

Their seductive game, driven by the desire to captivate their prey, is largely unconscious. When confronted with a mirror, a genuine innocence emerges; they don’t fully comprehend the impact of their allure.

Over time, I experienced some discomfort because I was often pursued for sexual encounters. I began to realize that I didn’t want this, but I couldn’t grasp why everyone sought it with me. I wasn’t accountable for the desire I unwittingly stirred. I encountered instances of sexual violence, which I repressed because I feared losing the possibility of feeling connected. What would I have left? How would people perceive me if I wasn’t attractive and didn’t offer what seemed to interest men?

In the case of men, once they have the object of their conquest within their grasp, they often lack the courage to express their intentions clearly. This can stem from uncertainty about

their true desires, the fear of being with someone they genuinely like, leading to a compromise of their authentic needs, or the realization that the chase wasn’t what they truly wanted.

The women, on the other hand, tend to be seduced by a lack of commitment and shyness, creating an air of mystique that fulfills their neurotic need to be seen as special and unique.

Throughout my personal journey, I came to realize that my heart had been closed and was frozen to its core. It was an internal sensation of coldness and a lack of genuine empathy, concealed beneath the facade of love. Rooted in the wound of the Oedipal triangle is a belief that an inherent hideous flaw and ugliness make me unlovable. This division of bodily energy into sexuality and the heart leads to emotional and bodily blockages and a disconnect between the heart and the genitals. There’s a deep-seated fear of true intimacy and a lack of surrender in both the heart and the sexual act.

The reputation of the Sexual 3 as a “hottie” stems from their inclination to relate primarily through seduction. In this intricate game of maintaining the other’s gaze, they can lead them to fall in love, keep them fooled in the hope of reciprocal affection and intimacy, and often depart when they feel cornered or end up in bed with someone they didn’t genuinely desire. Of course, they excel in this game of conquest. The initial protagonism ignites the flame of desire with intensity, making them feel as if the other’s eyes are exclusively for them. They adorn themselves for seduction, and donning their best attire and perfumes makes them feel alluring. Like a chameleon, they adapt to meet the other’s needs, transforming themselves to fulfill various needs. They can modify their ideals, suppressing their authentic selves to become what they are not, all in the pursuit of conquest. Once achieved, it typically leads to sexual encounters, but there, the initial desire and arousal often begin to wane.

I wanted to be the best lover, and my entire life revolved around sensuality. This is when I became highly competitive, striving to outshine others, to be extraordinary, even divine. I sought the most exquisite things, like Christian Dior lingerie, fragrances, essences, and creams. I dedicated myself entirely to this pursuit. I longed to have this man at my feet, and I achieved it. It made me feel incredibly significant, unique, and loved. Finally, I felt like someone; when he gazed at me, I was captivated and loved myself through his admiration. In bed, I embraced every suggestion as if it were my own; I couldn’t distinguish between his desires and mine. I melded completely.

As for the man:

For me, the true conquest was earning the admiration of women. This is what aroused me the most, what I found most erotic, and where I invested most of my energy. I became a master of gestures and appearances. Every movement I made was delicate, measured,

bordering on the exquisite. During my time as a swimming instructor, my graceful interactions with the children earned the admiration of mothers. Word about the instructor quickly spread in the neighborhood, and the demand for lessons grew. Mothers wouldn’t move from behind the window panes during their children’s classes. It was all about seduction and conquest.

In terms of my sexual journey, the pinnacle was reached when I starred in a play, portraying none other than the Marquis de Sade. The play was highly erotic, and with pre-recorded video sequences, we convinced the audience that we were engaging in live intercourse. I reveled in absolute glory; it made headlines. I could feel the audience’s gazes, and I could boldly return their looks; I was the Marquis, which granted me permission to be the most sensual and voluptuous.

It’s important to note that it’s not precisely a sexual seduction. The Sexual 3 woman isn’t a femme fatale. She promises something more subtle: intimacy. Her soft, tender gaze appears to convey, “We’ve known each other in the depths of our souls for an eternity. I truly see you.” Tolstoy’s character Anna Karenina, featured in his eponymous work, is an exemplary Sexual 3. She lives with a husband twenty years her senior, having settled into a passionless yet prestigious marriage with a prominent figure in high society, whom she doesn’t love. However, she realizes this emotional void when she falls in love with Vronsky, a young and handsome man. She becomes pregnant by her lover and moves in with him. Between this relationship not fulfilling her as she had hoped, the loss of her son, who stays with her husband, her ostracism from Russian society, and the growing inner resentment, she ends up committing suicide to take revenge on Vronsky. Anna and Vronsky, her future lover, meet for the first time at the Moscow train station. We witness a magical moment: how Anna manages to bewitch Vronsky.

Vronsky followed the conductor, and as he was about to enter the coach, he stepped aside to allow a lady to pass. With the instant intuition of a man of the world, he recognized that she belonged to the very best society. Apologizing, he was about to enter the door, but involuntarily turned to give another look at the lady—not because of her beauty, grace, or elegance, but because the expression on her lovely face, as she passed, seemed so gentle and sweet to him.

She also turned her head as he looked back at her. With her gray eyes shining through her long lashes, she gave him a friendly, benevolent look, as though she had seen in him a friend, and immediately turned to seek someone in the throng. Quick as this glance was, Vronsky had time to perceive in her face a dignified vivacity, visible in the half-smile that parted her rosy lips and the brightness of her eyes. Her whole being radiated the overflowing spirits of youth, which she tried to conceal; but despite her, the veiled lightning of her eyes gleamed in her smile.

Tolstoy masterfully captures the essence of the magical atmosphere created by a Sexual 3. While Anna possesses fascinating physical beauty, it’s not so much her body that draws Vronsky in; it’s the grace of her personality, her manners, and especially her “infinitely gentle and sweet” demeanor. This hints at the direction their relationship will take: one not primarily focused on passionate sensuality but rather a quest for complete love within the context of a partnership, an attempt to heal their emotional scars and the feeling of inner separation.

She doesn’t promise unbridled sensuality but a tenderness that will reach straight into Vronsky’s heart. It’s an intimate connection between two souls: “She gave him a friendly, benevolent look as though she had seen in him a friend.” It’s like being seen in one’s soul with eyes of tenderness and love. The question that arises for the Sexual 3 is this: Is there anything more intimate than this?

Tolstoy directs our attention to the inner light of the spirit that resides within each individual. This inner light can shine forth unintentionally when a moment of connection with someone piques their interest, “which was translucent in spite of herself, either in the brightness of her gaze or in her smile.” In the longing to be loved for who we truly are, we glimpse the complete love that is experienced when we feel one with everything, loved simply for our existence. Anna appears to be in touch with this inner clarity when she meets Vronsky’s gaze. However, this inner light can also recede, as seen when she sleeps with her husband on their first night at their home in St. Petersburg: “But what had become of that radiant glow that animated her face in Moscow, making her eyes sparkle and giving radiance to her smile? Now that glow seemed to have been extinguished, or at least, hidden.”

This reinforces the idea that a Sexual 3 feels whole, feels truly alive, when immersed in that “intoxicating elixir of enthusiasm,” which is the delight of being admired. It’s a confirmation of being loved, albeit arising from a neurotic need that merely deepens the chasm between them and their true self, as beautifully depicted by Tolstoy in the following scene:

She had not been near Anna again since the beginning of the evening, and now again she saw her suddenly quite new and surprising. She saw in her the signs of that feeling of success she was all too familiar with; she saw that she was intoxicated with the euphoria of the delighted admiration she was generating. She knew that feeling and knew its signs, and saw them in Anna; saw the quivering, flashing light in her eyes, and the smile of happiness and excitement unconsciously playing on her lips, and the deliberate grace, precision, and lightness of her movements. “Who?” she asked herself. “All or one?” [...] “No, it’s not the admiration of the crowd that has intoxicated her, but the adoration of one. And that one? Can it be he?” Every time Vronsky spoke to Anna, the joyous light flashed

into her eyes, and the smile of happiness curved her red lips. She seemed to make an effort to control herself, to try not to show these signs of delight, but they came out on her face by themselves. “But what of him?” Kitty looked at him and was filled with terror. What was pictured so clearly to Kitty in the mirror of Anna’s face, she saw in him. What had become of his always self-possessed, resolute manner, and the carelessly serene expression on his face? Now, every time he turned to her, he bent his head as though he would have fallen at her feet, and in his eyes there was nothing but humble submission and dread. “I would not offend you,” his eyes seemed every time to be saying, “but I want to save myself, and I don’t know how.” On his face was a look such as Kitty had never seen before.

Tolstoy doesn’t imply that Anna is consumed by passionate love for Vronsky; it’s not that she’s deeply infatuated with this man. Rather, she is intoxicated with the feeling of being liked, intoxicated with her success. A Sexual 3 describes this phenomenon as follows:

With each person, we offer something special that aligns with their interests, a part of ourselves that resonates with their desires. When conversing with a poet, we become the most poetic and sensitive beings in the world. With someone of different characteristics, we adapt accordingly. Always highlighting what matters most to the other.

An unconscious idea of the Sexual 3 is that they can be liked when they forsake their individuality, self-realization, and inner growth, transforming themselves into the person the other desires. While it’s true that they can gain affection this way, they lose touch with their essence, their unique tastes, and instincts. This loss leads to a sense of robotic behavior as the Sexual 3 desperately craves being loved and returning that love. The title of the play “Silicone or Life” succinctly encapsulates how this subtype’s ego is managed, illustrating the opposing forces that divide them in their existential struggle: the desire to live, synonymous with the desire to love, and the self-denial of those same impulses.

Anna Karenina appears to possess the capacity for feminine, maternal, and tender love. At her higher self, the Sexual 3 can exhibit true loving-kindness, as described in Buddhism—compassion and gentle love that isn’t judgmental or indulgent but connected to one’s own experience of another’s suffering. The madness lies in the belief that such love can be found in a romantic relationship, where being liked and feeling loved equate to personal value. Thus, in the quest for unification with the forgotten source, the Sexual 3 projects the divine into their relationships with others. This is how Anna Karenina perceives this complex emotional state:

She thought he had ceased to love her, she felt close to despair, and consequently, she felt exceptionally alert. She rang for her maid and went to her dressing room. As she dressed, she took more care over her appearance than she had done all those days, as though he might, if he had grown

cold to her, fall in love with her again because she had dressed and arranged her hair in the way most came to her.

This reaffirms what many Sexual 3s obsessively believe: by appearing desirable both inwardly and outwardly, they will finally receive love from their partner, the person from whom they’ve felt the most rejection. They tend to confuse surface presentation with their core identity. Sexual 3s are essentially love seekers, and their tragedy lies in their failure to comprehend that true love cannot be found externally, in their appearance or being desired. They blur the lines between surface and core. They’ve lost faith in their core, severed their connection with their true selves, and erroneously believe that their essence is merely what’s on the outside.

Norman Mailer describes, in his famous biography of Marilyn Monroe, the phenomenon of the art of pleasing the Sexual 3. The secret to Marilyn Monroe’s success with men lay in her ability to make anyone believe that only he could bring out her best. This compulsion to prove one’s impact on another originates from a loss of inner value. The underlying narcissistic need is to be unique to someone, as if it were possible to suppress the pain of feeling insignificant, hidden deep within.