Transformation Process and Therapeutic Recommendations

What has helped us, the contributors to this chapter, in our journey toward self-discovery and in alleviating some of the burdens of our neuroses, are a series of experiences that we believe can be beneficial for individuals like us.

The process of growth entails examining the ideal that the Social 3 has constructed for themselves and with which they identify. This ideal self is omnipotent, childlike, narcissistic, and unattainable, yet the Social 3 believes they must embody it. This pursuit becomes a primary source of their neurosis, as it clashes with a simple truth they must accept: no one can be perfect.

The Social 3 individual has great difficulty facing fear. When fear does arise, they counter it with control, drawing strength from their intellect, denying and defending themselves against it. The recommendation, therefore, is to let go and feel, to welcome the spontaneous and uncontrolled. They must dare to dissent and be more assertive, standing firm without yielding to the pressure to accommodate others or the need to look good.

It’s healthy for them to practice moments of silence, allowing themselves to experience and share it. In silence, there is sobriety, and the urge to constantly act does not exist. Through this silent connection, the Social 3 gets closer to self-acceptance and a genuine understanding of what truly matters—feeling at ease without giving in to control or interference. It’s like coming home, as such an encounter enables them to experience the process rather than just identifying with the finished product presented to others. In fact, it is important for the Social 3 to first be centered on themselves before trying to authentically connect with others. A certain selfishness is crucial for them to avoid compulsively losing themselves in social interactions.

When faced with the challenge of connecting with others without the effort to adapt, internal discomfort may arise as a result of this self-contact. It’s an exercise to learn to prioritize one’s own needs, breaking free from being guided solely by the reactions of others.

It’s also good for the Social 3 to take breaks— to not do, to try being inefficient, and to reveal personal mistakes without disguising them. Becoming aware of the discomfort and vulnerability that such self-exposure generates is essential.

Working with Social 3 patients as therapists brings us back to how other therapists described initially working with us. It’s important for the patient to feel accompanied on their path toward authenticity, but without being given a concrete direction to follow. The key lies in establishing a connection with the here and now.

Within the therapeutic relationship, there is either genuine contact, or there is nothing. It’s in the absence of this real contact that automatic responses surface. The Social 3 is confluent; they adapt to the environment. To evolve, they must disengage from external demands and, in order to reclaim their true selves, begin identifying with themselves.

In the early stages of therapy, confronting the Social 3 patient triggers a cascade of resistances and defense mechanisms. Anger, sadness, and pain are only accessed after extended hours of exploration in that direction. It’s often easier for the patient to access their emotions through anger, which gradually transforms into pain and grief, finally experienced without self-deception.

Embracing the spontaneity that sudden emotional experiences bring can be therapeutic. Tears, sadness, and pain may surface when least expected, providing solace through a connection with the genuine and authentic. Thus, the healing of shame, vulnerability, and defenselessness comes from simply being present, doing nothing. As St. Teresa puts it, “no more can be done.”

Creative endeavors, amusements, and theater are highly beneficial to the Social 3, allowing them to recognize their theatricality. They can work on their tendency to always portray a positive image by trying to laugh at themselves, fool around, and occasionally lose face in public. When they connect with their needs, this vulnerability transforms into a creative and positive outlet, undertaken with genuine joy and enthusiasm. Ana highlights how creative work in the visual arts helps her establish a relationship with herself and, at the same time, let go of her need for control:

Watercolor takes on a life of its own, and water introduces surprises. I can’t control it the way I can dry techniques. I’m simply a passive witness of what unfolds (I let myself be carried along). I make some movements, but without really changing the course of events. It’s more of a co-creation with the medium itself than an ego-driven imposition by the author on the subject matter.

It’s crucial for her to maintain the attitude of an amateur, who paints solely for herself, and not a professional, as that would mean creating for an audience and for the scrutiny of others.

Bodywork also proves beneficial as it releases blocked energy and helps break free from habitual emotional containment. It’s important not to substitute it with competitive sports, however, as this could once again engage the Social 3 in their eagerness to be first.

Meditation, especially the non-doing aspect, allows the individual to connect with emptiness, and through sustained presence in this state, learn to inhabit that space. Due to their difficulty in staying still, movement meditation can be simpler, at least initially (it offers the feeling of doing something, which can be reassuring).

While the Social 3 has a good capacity to work in a group, negotiate, and coordinate tasks, they often assume the role of a leader. Taking another position within the group—one of a

cooperator or an equal not seeking the spotlight—working collectively without sacrificing authenticity, could teach them valuable lessons.

Regarding love, Yolanda writes:

To offer… I’m not sure what I want to offer my partner, but I think it’s about giving them respite, tolerance, intimacy from my side with fewer words, and waiting to see where this takes us. My fears include the fear of silencing myself and my heart, and of losing contact with my tenderness and love for them. I want to trust that this is a natural flow and wait for whatever comes next.

Healthy Aspects and Beneficial Tasks for a Social 3:

• Getting tired of and discarding the mask • Making contact with emptiness, with the shadow • Confronting fear • Doing bodywork and getting in touch with anger (both personal and that of others) • Trying to live in chaos and embrace a lack of physical control • Having someone confront them about their falsehoods • Observing and enduring unpleasant emotions, instead of acting on them • Cultivating and appreciating the inner observer • Understanding the impact of their behavior on others’ emotions • Identifying irrational beliefs. For example: “I am what I do” • Reformulating them into healthy ones. For example: “I am what I am” • Distinguishing between what they are and what they do • Developing a strong internal frame of reference • Connecting with personal needs • Fostering emotional autonomy • Establishing permeable boundaries between internal and external worlds, as well as between activities and emotions • Learning to value their inner world • Achieving balance, slowing down obsessive doing • Learning to validate themselves for who they are, not for what they do • Healing from childhood wounds related to not being loved just for who they are • Confronting negative emotions, the shadow, in the form of anger and aggressiveness • Facing frustration and failure • Making contact with pain • Connecting with healing truth and authenticity • Stopping, pausing, meditating

• Embracing emptiness • Cultivating anti-mimicry, avoiding blindly copying external models • Building a stable identity reference • Getting in touch with sadness: “What are your eyes saying?” • Learning to manage aggressiveness, “being bad” • Publicly acknowledging their mistakes • Connecting with the love that links us to our essence.

Therapeutic Suggestions for Working with a Social 3:

• The patient benefits when the therapist behaves in an authentic and genuine way. • As a therapist, you should be careful not to turn therapy into a project of just getting results, but instead use it to help the patient become comfortable with being themselves. • Pointing out inconsistencies in the patient’s communication can be very therapeutic in the long run. • The patient needs to be told, “Don’t just do something; stand there.” • Confront the patient when necessary. • Embrace the therapeutic strategy of befriending the patient’s dark side. • Prioritize experiential learning and reduce the “mental stuff.” • Incorporate a body-centered approach.