Childhood

In this section, we will describe the infancy of Self-Preservation 4. We will cite different authors and analyze the way their contributions help us understand both the internal and relational dynamics of Self-Preservation 4.

Allen Schore states:

"As the experience of good attunement in infancy establishes in the nervous system the connections of basic bodily trust, building neurobiological patterns of stress management, the baby introjects attuned care as an ability to regulate and calm down. For example, your cortisol levels and the balance between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems reflect your ability to modulate their energy and to recover from adversity."

J. Bowlby states: "The Internal Operative Model is a mental representation of oneself and of the relationships with others that serves the child to organize and guarantee the controlled permanence of attachment and interaction behaviors."

G. Tonella³ says: "The development of oneself will originate through the bond of attachment and early interaction with the mother. An adequate interaction will allow the continuity between the energetic experiences, sensory, motor, emotional, and representative."

The interaction with the mother will soothe and give meaning to the baby's experiences. If in this first interaction the baby does not feel recognized in his existence, he will not be able to recognize himself and will seek this recognition in others. When these attachment ties do not exercise their organizing and regulating function, the child experiences anguish.

In the same article, Tonella quotes Wolf, Emde, Anders, Sanders, and Stern: "The self is not built without ties, and these ties are the work of each one of the parents, their mutual attachment, and their interactivity."

Also in that article, Tonella mentions Ainsworth (1978), Main and Salomón (1988), who show that the child protects himself, adapting other types of attachment strategies.

These forms of insecure attachment establish different relational patterns: anxious-avoidant and anxious-ambivalent, which are the most frequent in children and adolescents of Self-Preservation 4.

• Anxious-avoidant: Children with this attachment style show an apparent lack of interest and detachment from their caregivers during periods of distress. They have little confidence that they will be helped, have insecurity towards others, fear of intimacy, and prefer to keep their distance from others.

• Anxious-ambivalent: Ambivalent children are those who seek the proximity of the primary figure and at the same time resist being reassured by her, showing aggression towards the attachment figure. They respond to separation with intense anxiety and mix attachment behavior with expressions of protest, anger, and resistance. These children feel insecurity in their relationships, fear of abandonment and rejection of significant objects, as well as hostility. These types of experiences create vulnerability to depression.

For Anzieu, the contact with the mother, her support, her gestures, and her sounds will allow the creation of a sound and gestural envelope that contains and calms the sensations, emotions, and impulses of the baby until the self, in its growth, can assume that wrapper function. He will call this the I-skin. If the mother's contact has been experienced as adequate, the child will develop his own capacity for containment and regulation. If this is not the case, the baby will suffer anguish from not being able to calm down.

In Self-Preservation 4, it is frequent that the mother has not established an affective bond, nor has she been in tune with the rhythms, intentions, desires, and physical, sensory, and emotional needs of the child.

One patient said:

"Images come to me of being in the crib alone, with the presence and care of my older sister. For me, my oldest sister has been a sister who has acted as a mother. I have memories of a lot of presence and a lot of love on her part, compensating for my mother's absence. I always remember my mother's presence as agitated and anguished. She is a woman who has a lot of energy and a high load of anxiety and tension."

"One of my earliest memories is being cradled in my mother's arms, but how can I possibly have this memory? I am so small, but I know that my little head is resting on her right arm

and my feet on her left arm. She is standing next to the curtain that closes a very small closet. My feeling is not comfort, but fear and anguish. She is nervous and in a hurry, I feel her impatience."

"Over time I could have built that the song she sang to me was to surrender to the coconut that she felt as a presence inside the closet. It does not seem possible to me that this feeling goes back to a child of about three months. But that is the memory, and I have never sung that song to my son."

—Stefania Giannini

The three subtypes of the E4 trait gestate in the oral stage of life, which spans from the end of the third to approximately the eighteenth month of age.

According to Juan José Albert: "During this stage, the area that becomes most noticeable to the child's perception is the mouth, together with all the functions related to sucking, jaw movement, and swallowing."

The child gains a sense of himself through oral motor and sensory perceptions, in such a way that his living and social experiences during this phase remain somatically anchored in the muscles of the body segments: ocular, oral, and cervical.

If the baby finds a void at birth because the different interactions (contacts, care, games) are without affection and pleasure, the oral wound will form in it. This is a deprivation wound, which will reduce in the baby the intensity of the life drive, the impulse to suck, bite, and swallow. What the baby does is "swallow."

Some subjects of Self-Preservation 4 will reveal negative experiences and intoxication during lactation.

We have observed that in the childhood of people with Self-Preservation 4, there are common etiological factors:

• Physiological and emotional deprivation at an early age, which may be due to the loss of the mother due to death, illness, depression, abandonment, or temporary absence. For example, if she is busy taking care of a sick family member, has many children, is a single mother, or has to help her husband, or in the minority of cases, when the child is abandoned in institutions.

• Disturbed maternal affective communication. There is no response, or it is inappropriate to what the baby needs, either because physical distance is created in

physical or verbal contact, or because they are verbally and sometimes physically reprimanded.

In the development of the character of the Self-Preservation 4 in childhood, there are two wounds: one in the representational nucleus that touches the narcissistic wound in the "idea of self" ("I am a little thing," "I do not deserve it," "I'm not like the others"). There is a devalued representation of oneself at the conscious level, although, after years of therapy, we observe that at a more unconscious level, another valued representation of oneself is built and activated. This makes the person give themselves an image of grandiosity ("I am the best, I deserve it all").

This also occurs in the "Idea of Others" (who remain as grandiose or persecutors). Thus, the persecutory idea that they are going to give you bad food is gestated, creating distrust towards the food offered by the other being fixed (whether it refers to food or affection), and the anger towards the external source of nutrition.

In the most general case, when the mother remains by the child's side but stops attending to him, taking care of him, and giving him a safe environment, the child introjects the hostile figure, giving rise to his bad internal image and the experience of lack and longing for the good mother. The mother is left as great and idealized, and the child feels very small and helpless. This way of seeing others as superior is going to be repeated in their relationships throughout their lives.

The other wound, in the emotional core, provokes anger towards himself and towards the world for not feeling recognized in his basic needs. They are children who do nothing pleasant for themselves; on the outside, they are pleased, but on the inside, they are sabotaged by the rage they feel from experiencing that they are not given food.

We have verified with some people with Self-Preservation 4 in consultation, that they are linked with the mother in childhood and adult life in a fusional (dependent) way, experiencing physical and emotional separation with great anguish, even though the interaction is cold, lacking in physical and emotional contact.

Suzy Stroke came to my SAT 2 and asked me why I didn’t work pestering my mom. I told her I wasn’t sorry because my mom was the three B’s: Bella, Buena y Buena—Beautiful, Good, and Good. Suzy then asked me, “What did your mom do when you were sick as a child?” I lit up and said, “My mom, when I was sick, would give me her picture. It was beautiful, and I would look at it and hold it with me.” Suzy insisted, “Why, wasn’t your mother there? Wasn’t she working?” At that moment, a world opened up to me. No, my mom didn’t work. I don’t know where she was—or rather, she was at home, but she was never really with me. I didn’t feel her presence, but I needed to keep that photo. I looked at

it and idealized her. I also felt a sense of melancholy, like when you love someone who’s not there. Then I dreamed of her while looking at the photo.

—Stefania Giannini

Others were unwanted, either because the mother was expecting a child of the opposite sex or because there were too many children she had to attend to. At this stage, their relationships with their parents were marked by unexpressed anger (endured), struggle, effort, demand, and the desire to be seen, recognized, and loved.

In most cases, the child is raised in a family where the atmosphere is filled with suffering, pain, lack, and anguish because at least one of the parents is depressed or ill. The child becomes fixated on painful experiences, particularly suffering, in the way they bond with their parents. As we saw in the third chapter, the child makes an effort to compensate and please their parents, who are either overwhelmed or ill, canceling their own needs to ease their parents' anguish. This effort is idealized as a virtue and seen as a misguided way to earn their parents’ gaze, recognition, and affection.

In filial relationships, it is common for the father of the Self-Preservation 4 type to bond emotionally with the child, offering a warm and close presence. Sometimes, this presence also comes with a feeling of powerlessness in resolving life’s issues. These physical and moral limitations often enable the child to develop and legitimize their sexual desires and needs.

Some women from the Self-Preservation 4 group recall how their father would come in every night to kiss them before going to sleep.

A Self-Preservation 4 woman recounted:

"I went to my father with great admiration. When he treated my wounds, he seemed like someone who knew a lot. He healed my appendix stitches with great care every day. The only pleasant and comforting physical contact I remember was from my father. Sometimes, when I was little, I would go to him to watch TV together. It was a comforting moment for me. I stopped doing that when I was about twelve years old because I began to see him as weak. His health had deteriorated, and he wasn’t much of a presence at home. He was a worker, but he was smart and highly regarded. Many of his friends asked him to prepare their tax returns, and he did it for free. I could sense that he felt satisfaction, and I felt pleased and a little admired."

—Stefania Giannini

In very few cases, the father’s presence is repressive, rigid, and tyrannical.

One patient said:

“My memories of my father in my childhood are always of absence or brutality, punishments, and the fear my mother instilled in us about being with him.”

A woman recounted in her autobiography:

“The total absence of my father still affects me a lot. I don’t remember any moments of playing with him or lying on the floor. My sisters were in my space, and sometimes my mother. I remember him being busy with his own things. My mother took care of the house.”

An Self-Preservation 4 woman shared:

“My father was the one in charge at home. You couldn’t go against him. He always told us that what he said was law and had to be obeyed without argument. All the food had to be eaten before he left the table.”

This type of father does not provide the child with structure or guidance, either because he’s overwhelmed with work, is ill, is sadistic, or is simply absent.

Another Self-Preservation 4 woman said:

“My father never hit me physically, but I did feel mistreated because of his indifference and inability to express affection. From his obligation and 'shoulds,' I felt that he didn’t know how to respect my essence and didn’t accompany me in my process of growth and discovery. He always gave me ready answers."

The father often holds economic power and delegates the responsibility of education and basic care to the mother. The mother submits to his expectations and even abandons her children to serve him. In most cases, there’s a lack of communication between the couple, with a disqualifying look from the mother toward the father, who makes the children a part of his dynamic. In a minority of families, mutual respect between the couple is frequent, with the motto being "never fight in front of the children."

A Self-Preservation 4 woman shared:

“My mediation between the two of them lasted almost my entire life. When my mother wanted something, she didn’t raise it directly with my father but instead did so indirectly, like a reproach. My father would refuse, and then my mother would complain. I would go to my father and try to convince him of my mother’s wishes, but in a subtle and flattering way. I even succeeded. Then I would go to my mother to tell her what I had achieved, but instead of thanking me or being happy, she would get 'pissed off' that she had to rely on me to get what she couldn’t."

We've observed that when the Self-Preservation 4 child is the youngest of the siblings, they often feel jealous or envious of an older sibling because the other child was the desired one: intelligent, handsome, studious, or well-liked. The experience is frustrating and leads to restlessness; the child believes they will never reach that place of recognition.

One woman shared: "My mother always had a large photo of my handsome, cheerful brother on her dresser. At birth, he weighed almost four kilos, and in the photo, he looks at his best—plump with big bright blue eyes and blond hair. In the other photo, there is me, already looking dull, with my beautiful bricchielle in evidence. I weighed 2.7 kilos at birth, and I wasn’t very good at sucking milk, so my mother breastfed me for a very short time."

—Stefania Giannini

An Self-Preservation 4 woman shared:

“In my life, this has been constant—the eternal comparison with my sisters. Their behavior and hobbies were always part of my life as I tried to be just like them.”

Another Self-Preservation 4 woman said:

“It’s funny, but there are hardly any photos from my childhood. This lack of images has always bothered me, as my three sisters have plenty of photos.”

The situation may also occur where the chosen child compares themselves to their siblings, even if they were not explicitly compared by the parents.

In some cases, when Sexual is the second subtype, the child's longing to be loved and recognized leads them into rivalry and competition with their siblings in order to find their space and be seen.

On the other hand, when the second subtype is social, it is very common for there to be no rivalry or open conflict between siblings.

We've observed, through the stories of some Self-Preservation 4 individuals, that they have experienced traumatic events during early stages of development, either due to a lack of empathy from their mother or prolonged psychological, physical, or emotional abuse.

The experience of children involves waiting for someone to be there for them, take care of them, and protect them. They constantly need to convince themselves that they can be loved and liked as they are. In the case of a patient who had suffered abuse at an early age and who grew up without realizing it, the trauma was encoded in her memory and stored in

her body. Through her therapeutic process, she was able to establish a secure therapeutic attachment and overcome the primitive anxieties, freeing herself from the trauma.

It is common for Self-Preservation 4 people to experience early development, which can be understood as an effort to compensate for wounds of loss, lack, and abandonment. From a young age, they show signs of independence, even though they relate to life as though “something is owed to them.” These children often display expressive repression—both bodily and verbally. They appear worried, feel ashamed, and have a distorted, insecure image of their bodies. One Self-Preservation 4 woman said that she wouldn’t take anything unless the adults gave her permission first. Another said: “I grew older, and an important shyness began to settle in me. I became quiet and reserved. I remember myself at four or five years old with the face of a good girl, playing my part in the family as the studious one.”

Energetic and emotional depressive episodes in late childhood and early adolescence are typical. In these cases, the parents support the child’s depressive attitudes of inhibition, intending for the child to entertain themselves, and frustrate the child's need to express their needs by threatening withdrawal of affection.

Bribring speaks of a depressive feeling in childhood as the foundation of later depressions. This is related to a traumatic childhood experience of helplessness caused by the frustration the child faces when their signals are ignored, leading to a loss of vitality, self-esteem, and the ability to provide themselves with what the author calls “narcissistic substitutes.”

These children can be said to be “their own mother.”

This is a memory from when I was not yet three years old. The room is large and bright. I am standing in an armchair near the front door. My mother leaves me here. I feel cold despite the light. Maybe it’s spring, but I feel cold, and I’m afraid that an ogre or a bear is coming from the long corridor leading to this room. I stay still because the slightest movement or breath could alert the ogre to my presence and make it come to eat me. I am alone; there is no one to help me. (Stefania Giannini)