Childhood

Abandonment is a common theme in the childhoods of those who develop this subtype. This abandonment may be real, such as when one or both parents pass away prematurely,

disappear, or when the child is placed in an orphanage or left in the care of relatives. It can also be emotional abandonment, which includes neglect by the mother. Many individuals with this background describe their mothers as emotionally or psychologically unstable. These children generally struggle to develop trust and stability in their relationships with others, particularly in terms of love.

In these cases, abandonment often occurs in childhood fantasies, with the child believing that they must have done something wrong, or even worse, that they are inherently bad.

“My childhood wound is the abandonment I felt when my mother died when I was three years old. They told me she had gone to heaven, and they didn’t let me see her body. I thought: she’s gone, she left me, she doesn’t love me. What did I do to her? I must have been bad.”

After the death of my mother, I was one of ten siblings. My father placed me in an orphanage run by nuns. I felt this was another abandonment, reinforcing the belief that I was too bad for anyone to care for me.

In less extreme cases, when the family situation is more stable, there is often intense jealousy toward a sibling perceived as the parents' favorite. This could be due to illness, or the sibling being kinder, smarter, more attractive, or more well-adjusted. The experience is often one of feeling that there is someone else who is better and that they will always receive more affection, attention, or consideration.

Parents may make comments such as: "This child is unbearable. I don’t know what we’re going to do with them. No one can stand them." There are often comparisons to a sibling who is seen as more obedient, understanding, good-natured, etc.

“Before I was born, my father was expecting a boy, so I was a disappointment to him. My brother is only thirteen months younger than me, so my mother became pregnant when I was barely five months old. For me, that was the moment I lost my place as the only child. I also faced a breastfeeding issue since my mother abruptly stopped breastfeeding me when she became pregnant again. I sucked ‘bad milk,’ or so I thought. Apparently, my mother’s pregnancy affected her milk, and that’s when I lost my ‘paradise’ to my brother.” — Cristina Dicuzzo

There are many cases where children from this subtype report negative experiences with breastfeeding, even describing it as having "drunk bad milk" in a literal sense.

“Shortly after I was born, my mother got an infection in her breast. The first three months were spent between life and death, and I narrowly survived thanks to the recently

discovered penicillin. I often wondered which of the two was responsible for the poisoning: her carelessness, or mine for biting her. I was left with the lingering feeling that I had caused her harm.”

Many people from this background struggle to remember any happy moments from their childhood. Their general experience is that both childhood and adolescence are stages they wouldn’t want to relive. Even when they discover, as adults, that there were good moments, these memories are often disconnected from emotion, perceived only as factual events. These memories are known because they are captured in photographs, mentioned by family members, or retrieved in therapy, but often without the emotional connection. What remains tied to emotion are the moments of suffering, rejection, and pain, as if they had become specialists in enduring such feelings.

Children or adolescents with this background often feel ashamed of their family, viewing it as a disgrace and even an injustice. They may envy the families of their friends, whose parents seem to be inevitably better than their own, or simply because others have parents and they do not.

“In short, I don’t remember a happy childhood. I always hoped that when I grew older, things would improve and all those people from the slums who didn’t understand me would disappear. Adolescence wasn’t any better. Everything was complicated by issues of sex.” — Juan Leon

“I know I was ashamed of my parents, of what the neighbors would think of us.”

Father, Mother, and Lies

Another recurring aspect is the fear and fascination with the father figure. The father is typically seen as both a source of terror and desire, a figure that seduces and rejects. This complex relationship may be where the Sexual 4 learns to love what they hate most, hate what they desire most, and fight to be accepted by the person they feel rejects them. These statements are often representative of this dynamic:

“At the same time, I developed a contradictory feeling toward my father: terror and fascination. Dad would shift from being the most tender to the most implacable parent without warning. The threat of disapproval always hung in the air.”

“My father was very tyrannical in his youth, and family life revolved around him—his reality and his needs. I never saw my mother’s needs take precedence over his.”

During my childhood, life at home revolved around my father’s work in the theater and the unquestionable decisions he made regarding our family. My father controlled everything, even in the domestic sphere, and my mother, who revered him, submitted.

There is often a sense of deception in the family dynamic, where the Sexual 4 child or adolescent feels there is a hidden truth they must uncover.

“I grew up not knowing what was true and what was false. My father was an E7 and my mother was an E3, which created an environment of fantasy where everything seemed perfect, while I always felt something was wrong. Later, I discovered that my grandmother was not actually my grandmother.”

“I never knew what was real and what was fake in the midst of so much drama. They would reconcile with the same enthusiasm they used to quarrel, between laughter and affection, as if nothing had happened. I would cry, and they would console me by telling me it was all a joke.”

The Sexual 4 child is often shy and introverted when interacting with the outside world or with strangers. Self-exclusion or isolation is a natural response, and they may be jealous or quick-tempered, especially with those closest to them (parents and siblings).

“I was a wild child who hid under the table when I didn’t like visitors, or when I didn’t want them to leave. Before my hysterical outbursts, they once dunked my head under cold water to stop the self-induced drowning.”

In cases where the mother remains physically present but emotionally absent, a strong sense of abandonment arises, though it can’t be verified. The mother is physically there, providing care and attention, but the child perceives a sense of falseness that they can’t shake. This creates an intense emotional response, where the child learns to desperately seek attention, even if it’s negative, as a way of attracting the emotionally absent figure.

“I was a very dramatic girl who often put my mother in difficult situations. I had many fantasies of abandonment and violence. If my mother went shopping, I’d stage an abandonment scene, going out into the street to scream and cry, dragging my brother to do the same. I’ve had some incredible dinner scenes like this. I would yell at my mother not to hit me, pretending to be alone in the garden while she was inside asking me to stop. This caused the neighbors to worry that my mother was abusing me until they came outside and saw the scene and couldn’t believe it. My mother never hit me, but my fantasy was enormous. I truly believed the drama.” — Cristina Dicuzzo

It has been noted that in many cases, anger is passed down from the mother—either openly expressed or suppressed and transferred to the child. The child then learns to despise that overly dramatic or overly submissive mother figure.

“In my personal therapy work, I came into contact with my mother’s enormous rage, which she never expressed openly. I only remember her biting her lips and clenching her mouth. I felt as though I had become the outlet for her anger, the one to express it. It has been very challenging for me to disidentify from that role and find peace within myself to embrace the life I have.” — Cristina Dicuzzo

The Sexual 4’s emotional and physical absence of the mother may result in unclear boundaries. Without clear loving limits, the child may act out by bypassing these boundaries, seeking attention, albeit negatively, or asserting control over others and life itself to regain the privileges that were seemingly denied.