The Persona and the Shadow: For Those Who Are Destructive To Themselves And Others

Sexual 4s tend to establish intense dependency links through the hostile components of the aggressive impulse, especially hate. The unconscious experience they process and encode is that any attempt at gratification provokes frustration and lacks essential value. Originally, the satisfaction of their needs was perceived as lacking tenderness, unsatisfying, and not very nourishing—creating a state of emotional abandonment that triggers hostility. Naturally, their impulse is distorted, oriented toward destroying whatever, real or imagined, causes frustration, preventing any possibility of gratification.

Sexual Fours have more aggressive energy available to them, which makes them more annoying, harmful, and hateful. Feeling entitled to gratification, yet always sensing a permanent lack, leads them to make hostile and inappropriate demands. Even if they are satisfied, they cannot link their satisfaction to a tender identity, thus degrading both their satisfaction and the person providing it, perpetuating dissatisfaction. Establishing and maintaining tender, positive, and sustainable bonds is difficult, as they could not have them with themselves. This dynamic predisposes them to self-degradation and relationships that degrade, with contacts marked by handicap and constant self-comparison: "I wasn't good for myself or my mother, and I won't be good for others. They won't get anything good from me. What I received from myself and my mom was insufficient and unpleasant, just like what I will receive. Others enjoy and have, but I do not." A mechanism of denial and projection of hostile aggressive impulses is part of this dynamic.

With this childhood experience, they perpetuate an adult attitude that harms others, negatively impacting those around them through various manifestations of their behavior.

This self-perception and view of others crystallize envy towards others' well-being—not material goods, but the perceived capacity to "be happy and have everything." In response to the feeling of lack, coupled with a distorted and unpleasant sensory perception of themselves, they experience envy as hidden rage. This reaction manifests through persistent frustration, generating destructive hostile impulses toward the outside world, as it does not satisfy them. From the polarity of "I need or I want" and "I don't deserve or am rejected," they move to degradation when attempting to obtain gratifications: "I don't deserve what they give me, so what they give and who gives it are worth nothing." This perpetuates the inadequacy of asking. Rather than admitting envy, they react by disqualifying and attacking what they envy, hoping the envy will disappear. Envy is magnified with the sexual instinct, often becoming unsustainable: any object of envy can become the focus of hatred, and the reaction to it is destruction. "If I can't have it, neither can you." In addition to envy, they hide need, emptiness, and shame.

They can feel great love and admiration for someone, but any minor action can turn that into rejection within minutes.

When guilt turns into depression, the Sexual 4 disconnects from their relationships, becomes highly reactive, and pushes others away—sometimes rudely—anticipating the rejection they believe they will receive.

The difficulty in feeling loved reveals the invalidity of both the other and oneself. The E4 denigrates those they associate with: "If you love or appreciate me and I'm worthless, then what kind of person are you? If you cheat on me, it's because your need is like mine; then you are like me, or worse, you are of no use to me." For those who cannot conceive of being loved, love, appreciation, and acknowledgment are never perfect, romantic, or intense enough to satisfy and recognize each other. The other is constantly discouraged and never enough. This hurts them and exhausts those around them, as it greatly frustrates the impossibility of being accepted for who they are.

By hiding tenderness and shortcomings, they present themselves as arrogant and self-sufficient as a form of compensatory contrast, which sometimes leads to disrespecting others. This is evident when they become self-referential, focusing on their own issues, which they perceive as the worst in the world, neglecting, rejecting, or forgetting many people around them.

Despite their sensitivity and awareness of suffering, when they cannot avoid the endless emptiness they feel sinking into, they become selfish. Others, who may need them at that moment, are pushed aside. They can become detached, uninterested, cold, busy, or unaware of the feelings and needs of those around them.

Mistrust can also show, even when trying to maintain good manners, which can also be offensive. No one can save them from the precipice because of how special they feel—or maybe only a fantastic, non-existent being can do so, leaving the rest of the world feeling useless despite their efforts.

It is difficult for them to be sweet and loving. Tenderness not received at the right time, in its proper form, has set in, numbing them and convincing them that it will be very difficult to receive. They cannot risk feeling disappointed and rejected. Sweetness is not a spontaneous feeling for the Sexual 4; they even perceive it as a weakness that has caused them pain.

They especially hide the fear of rejection, which they cannot feel or show. They deny being dependent, becoming counterdependent, displaying an elaborate and false independence that alienates and punishes those close to them. They feel invaded, afraid of being discovered, and reject closeness they later cannot bear.

They are so susceptible to being hurt or frustrated that they prefer to anticipate the situation by hurting or frustrating others. They do not allow themselves to ask openly, and they are ashamed of their desires, pretending not to need anything. They are skilled emotional manipulators.

They do not declare their authentic pain, despite complaining about their pains, which are often an indefinite list of shortcomings—sometimes unreal or inflated—that serve to cover up a single, great pain they cannot declare: the lack of feeling loved or attended to. Accepting them would turn them into a defenseless being, unwanted because they are heavy and burdensome. That wound cannot be revived, even though it is always open.

Life feels like a battle to them, destructive, with a competitiveness that permeates all areas of their existence. From the position of someone who feels worth little, they focus on losing, defeating, and humiliating others, invalidating and despising what they do not have to win the battle. They cannot enjoy their successes without degrading the achievements of others, rendering their success hollow: "If I win over something that has no value, what is my gain worth?"

Sexual 4s are more likely to establish sadomasochistic relationships and, more often than other envious types, may become victims of physical and psychological abuse. As adults, they repeat the affective bond characterized by mistreatment experienced in childhood, either repeating the condition of victimhood or aspiring to be seen, or in the role of abuser as a form of revenge. They have developed hard skin in the face of abuse, knowing how to endure it with themselves and others.

A shadow of the Sexual 4, perhaps little discussed, is depression. They flee from it like a viper from the cross, but as a shadow, it always accompanies them, either latently or presently. In childhood, depressive attitudes were supported to appease and entertain them, while aggressive expressions of needs were frustrated with the threat of affective withdrawal. The impulse to survive and avoid unpleasantness leads them to keep asking until exhaustion, as the satisfaction of their needs has never been lasting or fulfilling. Their efforts are futile, and they fall into energetic depression, compounded by emotional depression—the psychopathological core of their character. Depression, and its variations in dysphoria, form the basis of their attitude toward themselves and life. The tristitia (sadness) that Evagrius Ponticus named has now been replaced by the precursor emotion of envy. They are associated with depression as a feeling of worthlessness that inevitably brings sadness. When not passive, it leads to self-destructive and self-defeating attitudes. Melanie Klein explains envy as a kind of original sin—an evil that is passed down genealogically and phylogenetically, an aspect of the death instinct inseparable from our nature.

In its polarity, the Sexual 4, in its euphoric phase, hides envy, and in the depressive phase, hides itself, licking its wounds in solitude to avoid stigma. They feel like a bluff, a lie. Depression chases them, never leaving, despite their efforts to evade it. However, when it defeats them, they must take refuge because they cannot escape the black hole swallowing them.

Depression is experienced as stagnant energy, especially when they do not allow themselves to set limits and remain in an energy swamp that drowns them. They repress and exclude, as it is an emotion that is not well-received.

In this subtype, addictive tendencies proliferate. These arise from the basic addiction to hate as compensation for the lack of love and the perpetual state of deficiency. The Sexual 4 often develops oral addictions, such as alcohol, psychotropic drugs, or food, hoping to quench the disenchanted maternal thirst. Intensity—already an addictive behavior—aggravates other dependencies.

As noted, the Sexual 4 has a strong imagination, to which they are also addicted. Through autosuggestion, they develop elaborate revenge plans and invest significant energy replaying them in their mind to quench their thirst for justice or revenge. When they finally execute their vindictive actions, guilt or remorse may appear in varying degrees of intensity, depending on how offended their desire for revenge has been. The difference with the E8's form of revenge is evident here, as the latter typically does not feel guilty.

If we consider the person and the shadow as parts of a photographic development, the person would be the photo—the appearance that is appreciated—and the shadow would be its negative, the hidden, the dark. In the photo of the Sexual 4, strident colors

predominate in their evident features. Soft or less vibrant tones, veiled and barely perceived, remain in the shadow. The Sexual 4, in its distorted perception of tenderness, shame, fear, vulnerability, cowardice, and fragility, hides traits it considers inferior, succubus-like, or monstrous. The internal separation and break occur because they cannot accept and integrate these experiences, burying them and increasing the distance from their essence and their scared, lonely inner child. This lack of transparency and concealment is also harmful in interpersonal relationships, as they avoid displaying tenderness, pleasure, love, serenity, and spontaneity—elements that could foster deeper connections. Paradoxically, what the Sexual 4 considers monstrous and impossible to show is what would make them healthier if they allowed themselves to bring it to light, forming a bridge with the rest of their traits.

In the image that the Sexual 4 projects of itself, the hostile components of its aggressive impulse are more pronounced, such as rage, fits of rage, hatred, exhibitionism, counterphobia, transgression, vulgarity, drama, irreverence, contempt, complaining, promiscuity, addictions, megalomania, and crazy spontaneity, among others. Reflecting on her childhood experiences of her parents’ fights and later reconciliations, a woman of this subtype says, “That was my first bath of emotional intensity and where I accepted the message that those who really love each other fight loudly.”

On the other hand, the components of the tender impulse, contributed by the integration of the maternal sphere, are barely expressed and are also devalued and repressed. One might hear: “I have been forced to be attractive and intelligent, but not good,” or “I didn’t discover the pleasure of being helpful until I was twenty-seven years old, although I felt super false doing so.” These components relate to contact with sweetness, modesty, tact, the ability to respect and value oneself, gentleness, recognition of personal dignity, the need for love, fragility, self-confidence, acceptance of limits, dedication, moderation, calm, tenderness, generosity, listening, appreciation, and prudence.

“What I was most ashamed of was expressing love and vulnerability, the softness, the subtlety, despite being very emotional and vulnerable.” – Juan Lion

By gradually incorporating the capacities related to tenderness, and allowing them to express themselves, the excess of aggressive impulse—which was previously turned inward and projected onto others in the ill Sexual 4—is balanced. This shift stops much of the aggressive impulse, allowing the tender impulse to be gradually released, as if an alchemical process were occurring by balancing these two forces.

From a proud and vain appearance, I disguised envy; I didn’t need anything from anyone, and thus I didn’t show my most vulnerable and needy part. This was something that cost me a lot, as it meant showing how bad and ugly I felt. When I am most authentic, it is when my vulnerability becomes tenderness, without judging myself, and that’s when I find peace.

What can truly dazzle and positively engage us is recognizing our ability to love, hold, and confront with gentleness and humor. This subtype, like the other envious ones, has an enormous ability to empathize. It’s not as if wolves will turn into lambs, but it must be understood that the Sexual 4 devalues and does not admit the expression of tender components. This is a very deep aspect of their "monster" because it is perceived as such when they show fragility. Even if this is a subjective perception, it is, in fact, when they are most balanced toward others, without losing their strength.

In my dream, I was with my therapist, and my appearance was truly monstrous—nothing from the outside reflected my true nature. It was as though my interior was manifesting without being able to control or hide it. My therapist encouraged me to go out looking like this and interact with my peers. I was totally terrified. I walked toward them, and they greeted me with all the naturalness in the world. So, I asked myself: Do they not see my monster, or do they accept me as a monster too? In this dream, I had my first complete experience of unconditional love. – Cristina Dicuоzzo