Interpersonal Strategy and Associated Irrational Ideas

In the melancholic, we observe the desire to communicate one’s own defects to everyone, as if there is satisfaction found in this debasement. —Alichita R.

By Alichita R., Chiara F., Giulia C., Marina P.

The theme of abandonment, common to all emotional characters, acquires “catastrophic” emotional and behavioral dimensions in the Social 4, who constantly teeters between life and death. Every internal or relational experience, and every external event, is interpreted in terms of "not having enough, not being enough, being deprived." This false sense of deficiency, the distorted cognitive core through which all E4 types make sense of what they experience, is especially pronounced in this subtype, centered around core self-loathing. If I don’t have it, it’s because I don’t deserve it; if life doesn’t give me what I want, it’s because I’m not worthy. Every interpretation leans toward denying and mistreating oneself. Unlike the sexual subtype, who actively engages with the world, or the Self-Preservation subtype, who stoically endures their internal desert, the Social 4’s envy is fueled by a deep sense of hopelessness.

The fixation on false deficiency in the social subtype is described as: If I give you everything, you won’t leave me; if I don’t get angry, if I don’t express my needs, if I accept your mistreatment, you won’t leave me.

The masochistic character feels crushed by life and everything that happens to them. They perceive themselves as lacking the energy or capacity to face the challenges that arise, so they attempt to avoid the profound discomfort and anguish they feel in the presence of something greater than themselves, relying entirely on the other person. This other is someone they love and invest with enormous expectations. They refuse to assert themselves, maintain a poor perception of themselves, and simultaneously idealize the other, elevating their gifts and abilities, even justifying disrespectful behavior. They live in the shadow of the other, believing themselves to be safe under their protective wing, yet avoiding contact with reality, unable to face who they truly are. The idea of not surviving alone, of failing if abandoned, drives them to do anything to avoid it. When faced with the risk of rejection or abandonment, they are inclined to abandon the other first, to avoid the anguish of waiting and the unbearable pain of abandonment.

“When I was very young, struggling with my first loves—in which I invested heavily to fill an inner void, when I felt there wasn’t enough interest—I never waited for the other party to make a decision: I couldn’t stay in that limbo of waiting and the frustration caused by the lack of intensity of love. I was preventing events and it was I who was leaving the other.” —Alichita R.

“In a relationship, when I feel the other person prefers something else over me, I begin to doubt the truth of the relationship. Each situation confirms my feeling, and I tend to create situations to distance myself and detach with the absolute certainty that the other person will do so. I enact behaviors that anticipate detachment.” —Chiara F.

The Social 4 enters relationships feeling indebted, as if the person taking them into account is doing them a favor. The favor is that they are allowed to exist, that they are being seen. This favor comes at a price, and the Social 4 immediately feels indebted. Perhaps this is why they sometimes prefer solitude, to avoid owing too much. Their withdrawal is similar to that of the E5 character, but while the E5 is relieved and able to regain energy, the Social 4 sinks into their emotions, feeding their own self-devaluation. Low self-esteem and the lack of feeling appreciated or recognized by their parents, especially the mother, leads them to believe they have no value in the eyes of the world. They feel uninteresting, and in relationships, particularly when the other person expresses interest, they feel deeply uncomfortable, often losing their clarity as emotions explode inside them, complicating their relational and communicative capacity. They are often surprised when the other person genuinely cares for them, almost unable to understand it.

“If I am worth less than you, you will take care of me, you will protect me.” The Social 4 is like a refugee who has crossed the desert without water and will always feel thirsty and lacking. Water is love, also expressed physically. As an adult, they keep alive the need for a hug they didn’t receive in childhood, or that was taken from them too soon. They are never the first to take a step, too afraid of rejection, but they indirectly do everything to receive attention and physical contact from the other. They make themselves "small" in the eyes of others, presenting a functional image that evokes tenderness in hopes of obtaining protection. In this respect, they can be confused with the conservative E6 character, though the difference lies in the strong emotional invasion and the desire for group recognition.

“What worries you is always more important.” The Social 4 invests their time, energy, and care into the other in exchange for loyalty and the security that the other will not abandon them. In doing so, they fulfill the other’s desires, needs, and interests, carving out small spaces for themselves, secretly, taking care not to separate themselves from the other. Alternatively, they may retreat into fantasy, creating a world where no one can enter, and in which they can devote themselves freely. They continue applying a learned modality from childhood, when they saw their mother as so distant and felt unable to occupy space with

their own needs or demand anything from her. They always feel less important than the other, whom they put first in everything—attention, needs, desires, life.

Actually, the balance shifts when they feel more secure in the other’s feelings, but they are still reluctant to let the other perceive this, fearing some form of punishment. The greatest fear remains that of abandonment, if they allow their own needs to come to the fore. “If I’m happy, I lose hope that you’ll come and rescue me.”

“It’s better to run away and give up than to feel in danger, frustrated, or disappointed.” Characterized by a false sense of lack, they undervalue themselves and victimize themselves. They avoid confronting themselves, fearing defeat, and do not trust their ability to express a position that deserves to be valued. What’s more, they often lack the energy to do so. Thus, they anticipate frustration, using the slightest rejection to trigger a silent "revenge" that consists of running away. Sometimes, they escape while remaining physically present but emotionally unavailable, as if they’re there with their body but not their soul. This absence is felt, but hard to explain. To be present without truly being there—this is their way of defending themselves and also taking revenge. By withholding, they punish the other.

“You know much better how to do things.” They lack the confidence to accomplish what’s asked of them and feel they don’t have the energy to carry it out. The Social 4 tends to engage in retroflection, fantasizing and elaborating on projects without following through. They perceive their environment as hostile or frustrating and give up the fight. Part of them yearns for unsatisfied goals, while another part retreats to prevent any outward action, wasting energy and confirming their sense of inadequacy. “I need someone who knows more than me, who I can lean on.”

In reality, they are often inclined to abandon a project before it’s completed, even if it was a very interesting one. Low self-esteem makes them prefer to support and help someone they recognize as capable of performing a task excellently. However, in doing so, they hope, consciously or unconsciously, to be seen and taken into consideration. They can sincerely admire someone they consider superior, especially intellectually, but also noble from a human perspective. Yet, if they feel disappointed by this person, if they see errors and incompetence in their work, they can be very critical, though rarely directly, and devalue someone who achieves success they feel is undeserved. This does not raise their self-esteem, but instead fuels anger toward themselves for making a mistake again. It’s a confirmation of their inability to make objective assessments. So, instead of using it to build strength and confidence, they turn it inward.

In the Social 4, two completely conflicting instances coexist: a deep sense of worthlessness and a yearning to be special. The fantasy of secret greatness clashes with the overwhelming belief in their own uselessness, leading to self-evaluation, a heavy feeling of

emptiness, and a fixation on suffering. When they achieve a goal, they never brag about it, as it would embarrass them. But at the same time, they expect others to notice, and if they don’t, it causes great frustration.

“I remember when Claudio spoke of the virtues to pursue for the Four: equanimity and contentment. I felt that one could be happy, and it was even a goal! It felt like permission I never had. The crazy idea was that only suffering gave the right to be seen.” —Marina P.

“I’ve always preferred to place myself in someone’s shadow. I carefully chose who, of course. They had to be a role model, someone I held in high regard. Then, I would work seriously and hard beside them, applying myself and giving my best. It was crucial to receive their esteem, that look that communicated so much. Even as an adult, I kept seeking the esteem and appreciation I never received from my mother. I wasn’t envious of the success I had achieved; if anything, I was proud of contributing. My prize wasn’t being on the podium but being esteemed by those who were up there.” —Alichita R.

If someone agrees to be with me or work with me, then I must be worth it. But this can also have a double meaning: if someone works with me, then it doesn't mean much.

Other irrational ideas:

• I'm not worthy. • I have no right to ask for, have, or occupy space or attention. I have no right to exist. • I am mistaken. • There is something wrong with me that I must keep secret. • If my mother doesn't love me, then no one can love me. • If I suffer, I exist because they love me and they see me. • If I am successful, they hate me or envy me and reject me. It's never enough; I never have enough. • Life is difficult and hard. • I only deserve love if I am good, tender, kind, patient, dedicated, and non-conflictive. • If I express my anger, they won't love me anymore. • If I have different ideas than others, I will be rejected. • If I express my emotions, others will judge me as stupid, fragile, or ridiculous. They will see me as weak, they will abuse me, or they will make fun of me. • If I show my sexual desire, others will see me as dirty. • I suffer and feel many emotions; that makes me special. • Since I suffer, nobody else suffers. • If they leave me, I don't know how to live. • In the end, despite everything, I will lose the one I love.