Love

Sometimes love can be magical, but magic is just an illusion. —Javan

By Alichita Rossi, Chiara Fustini, Giulia Clignon

The deep wound of the Social 4 is the frustration with the expectation of love from the mother, a love that was directed towards the other children and, consequently, left a feeling of indignity or inferiority. This phenomenon creates an emotional void and a great distrust in love. The person tries to fill this void with the expectation of a saving love that transfers much to the partner, giving the illusion of redeeming their feelings of inferiority. There is a constant search, even in friendships, for a love of fusion in which one can let go and trust, like a child in their mother's arms—longing for deep intimacy without interruptions or

abandonment. On the other hand, every small limit or distance is experienced as abandonment. An idealization that inherently has the potential to become deception.

Without realizing it, they shift the expectation of love from the mother to the partner. But the realization of this kind of relationship between adults is almost impossible to achieve, as it requires the other person to live and manage their life solely for their own good. Expecting a love more similar to that of a "mother" than that of a mature, adult couple, they often encounter someone who manipulates them, deceives them, or even exploits them.

Love is the meaning of their existence; without a love relationship, life seems empty and meaningless. Life consists of waiting for that moment that heals and transforms everything, as if it truly began with the arrival of love. Only then can they be happy.

As a child, I remember loving to watch the bride and groom's car go by, all decorated with white bows. I would watch in awe as it slid down the road, thinking of the two inside, happy, safe, saved by their love. —Alichita R.

I remember the first dedication that Claudio made to me in his book La via del Silenzio e la via delle parole [Between meditation and psychotherapy], at SAT 1 in Lignano Sabbiadoro (Italy), in 2006: "May you find a man worthy of you." I reread it countless times, amazed to see how the spiritual teacher I had been lucky enough to meet had grasped such an essential point for my life during our first meeting. And that he had used the word "dignity." I often felt unworthy, unworthy of a loving relationship, unworthy of being happy. —Giulia C.

As a teenager, I amused myself by watching old couples, imagining that their union had been perfect and untouchable for so many years, that they had spent their entire lives with intimacy and poetry. —Chiara F.

There is in this character an ideal of romantic love that is built over time, one in which there is total comprehension, deep understanding, and a fusion of spirits, souls, and bodies. But often, this person’s destiny is to remain single for a long time because no man can live up to that inner ideal. When entering a relationship, the Social 4 is loaded with anxieties, fears of rejection, and abandonment. If before the central point of their existence was waiting for love or a partner, later it becomes the fear of losing them and being abandoned. As we’ve already mentioned, it is not uncommon for them to stay in and endure unsatisfactory or destructive relationships precisely because they do not give up on the realization of their dream. In this, they can be tenacious, and this tenacity can become a challenge to themselves and to the other: the need becomes a hyper-desire that admits no limits.

Often, the impossibility and fear of expressing their needs and desires end up making them feel alone and misunderstood. They are searching for a sensitive person who perceives their

fragility and takes them under their wing, as if they were a child. Deep down, it is their greatest desire, although they keep it hidden because they are ashamed of it.

If they find someone who thinks of everything, who takes care of the tasks, of the problems, who knows how to give attention and affection, who hugs them, anticipating their desires, then, protected and safe, they will be able to calm the anxiety of having to face a hostile and unknown world. They can finally switch off their brain and let it rest, since someone else is taking care of everything.

But inside, two instances coexist: on the one hand, they strongly want to feel safe, protected, and guided, and at the same time, they want to be absolutely independent, autonomous, and free to make the decisions they deem appropriate. They do not tolerate anyone treating them like their mother did, controlling them as if they were a puppet with no right to choose or act. They are too used to depending only on themselves and doing everything by themselves.

Thus, by not really trusting others, they have a strong need for control that manifests by doing things with total autonomy rather than having them done by someone they do not trust. They endure the judgment or confrontation of others, an evident contradiction within themselves: on the one hand, the need for love and protection, and on the other, an absolute need to be free and autonomous. They are like a small child taking their first steps, needing to turn around and see that their back is covered because their mother is watching them, but at the same time, they want no one to hold their hand or stand in front of them.

I managed to survive my internal anguish, my fear of being abandoned, through total control of the needs of the people around me—my partner, my children. I avoided the needs of others so as not to give space to my own. I considered myself indispensable, in a continuous effort, until exhaustion, to make everything turn out well. Who could do it better than me, sacrificing to the maximum? It is equally true that I could not bear any criticism, judgment, or limitation of my autonomy. So, I prevented the autonomy of the people around me and got angry when others had to understand my needs without me having to express them directly. —Valter M.

Often, it is expected that the partner intuitively understands our moods, thoughts, and desires before we express them. There is an incapacity and a lack of self-affirmation and self-exposure, making oneself seen for what one truly is. —Giulia C.

But the balance of the Social 4 is precarious. In fact, a difficult situation is enough for anxieties and fears to surface, and a relapse into anxiety occurs. They tend to position themselves before their partner as a unique individual, almost a fairy or a hero who cannot be compared to anyone else—neither before, nor during, nor after.

A narcissistic aspect is present, not expressed outwardly but cultivated covertly, referring to one's own value. They have an illusion of leaving an indelible mark on the other, even after a possible break in the love relationship: "How will the other ever forget me?" The consequences of their feelings…

Low self-esteem drives them, in order to win love and recognition from others, to build an image of the ideal couple in the eyes of their partner. They work so that the other sees in them characteristics and aspects never before found in anyone. There is a constant investment in making themselves irreplaceable, in demonstrating their own preciousness. In reality, all of this arises from a strong abandonment anxiety, and energy is expended to ward off the danger of the relationship’s end. To make up for the deficient, ambivalent, or sadistic love from their parents, they have created within themselves a figure that allows them to gain love and gratification. Often, the social woman creates the inner figure of the good, wise princess, always available for the other. That is why, in the end, she believes that she is worthy of love and that if the other person leaves her, they will realize what they’ve lost and regret their choice.

I had a seven-year relationship that started when I was very young, and it ended because he fell in love with another girl. I remember it felt like dying for me. The thought of being replaceable and losing the person I dreamed of building a family with, growing old together, threw me into utter despair. I couldn't eat, and I lost so much weight that not eating felt like I didn't need anything. I remember that what brought me out of that state was anger and envy towards the other girl, which turned into a desire to show that I was better and the illusion that she would return to me, begging for forgiveness. —Chiara F.

In the fear of losing love, a touching melancholy invades us, with the certainty that someone better than us will soon replace us. This moving melancholy doesn’t allow one to live fully in the present and enjoy love for what it is. The tragic sorrow is already savored, and it’s understood that the future is not benevolent: "It will leave me sooner or later," and that day will probably come with painful consequences. Negative anticipation ends up becoming an external reality, and when it arrives, it is not only unexpected but also unacceptable due to the pain it carries, as if negative anticipation...

It acts as an antidote to loss. In renunciation, one becomes a sacrificial victim; the meaning of existence depends on the level of lack. —Rosi C.

Basically, there is a lack of true authenticity in the relationship of the Social 4, as it avoids showing the other person what is unpleasant, negative, burdensome, or even unacceptable about itself. This could tarnish their own image and undermine the other person's esteem. Therefore, the E4 doesn't really show who they are. They don't talk about the existential pain that has always accompanied them, the feeling of internal loneliness, or negative emotions such as envy or jealousy, since expressing these feelings might expose them to

the risk of rejection. Similarly, they don’t openly express their needs or desires for fear of being seen as a burden.

The result of this is the expectation that the partner will be able to read their thoughts and soul, intuitively understanding their wants. The only thing they allow themselves to express is complaints. The consequences of these behaviors are frustration and disappointment with the partner, which, over time, turn into silent resentment. By only showing the parts of themselves they deem worthy of appreciation—including the image of someone who suffers—they create a vicious cycle. They try to appear better than they feel in order to win love, but simultaneously prove to themselves that if they were to let the other person see who they truly are, they wouldn't be worthy of love.

The prototype of the ideal couple involves taking care of the other person on every level—fulfilling their wishes, both expressed and unspoken, listening to them, supporting them in all aspects of life, and always being there when needed. This is essentially a combination of a father figure, an ideal partner/friend, and even a therapist when necessary.

However, this prototype tends to foster dependence, as the individual believes that to avoid abandonment, one must make themselves indispensable in the relationship, satisfying all of the other's needs. While this helps to alleviate anxiety, it often leads them to sacrifice the role of a partner in favor of that of a parent. The partner’s dependence on the relationship and low self-esteem also make it necessary to use pain and suffering as manipulative tools. Since they can't directly demand the satisfaction of their own needs, they use a strategy that keeps the other person tied to them through constant requests for help. Illness and physical problems often become tools of blackmail to prevent abandonment.

The constant fear of abandonment keeps the love tension high and prevents the feeling of not loving the partner enough. In situations of balance and certainty, the Social 4 often cannot feel love for the other person. It may even happen that their attention drifts elsewhere. In such cases, love becomes reduced to the immense effort of avoiding abandonment and searching for certainty and confirmation in the relationship—things they will never truly feel. The intense dependency that characterizes this person usually manifests when they enter into intimacy and create a relationship of trust. To avoid the awareness of fostering dependency on their partner, they may engage in counterdependency. They experience discomfort and shame about their needs, see them as unacceptable, and flee from the slightest attempt at serious bonding, so as not to become a victim of the other person and avoid dependency.

When they lack a partner, these dynamics often overflow into friendships. The need to open up completely leads them to seek out a friend with whom they can form a pact of loyalty—a true alliance to counteract the unbearable feeling of internal loneliness. The absolute loyalty of a friend serves to ease the fear of abandonment, and they feel a strong

need to know that the other can be relied upon at any time. Just like in a romantic relationship, they seek fusion in friendship, unconditional love, protection, and total trust. It is clear that for this character, superficial relationships, casual outings, and one-night interactions make no sense. In friendship, they must find a sense of home. The friendship relationship becomes a kind of nest that makes them feel safe, protected from the world, and understood. But, due to the high level of depth they seek in these relationships, a person with this character tends to be strongly intransigent regarding the flaws of the other. Any slight inattention can become a source of disappointment and may be seen as betrayal.

For the Social 4, friendship is a true anchor, a refuge from the fear of loneliness, and a substitute for love and maternal care.

The only possibility of salvation comes from the fantasy of a prince or fairy-like figure who arrives to save them with unconditional love. However, when the prince arrives and loves them deeply, the paradox is that the individual cannot believe this love is real and begins to devalue the other person.

The feeling of not being lovable is so strong for the E4 that they cannot believe anyone of value could truly love them.

The Three Loves

The least developed love in the Social 4 is undoubtedly erotic love. There are many reasons for this, primarily the repression of more instinctual emotions such as anger. Additionally, they did not experience this kind of love with their mother (where physical contact forms the basis of bonding) and never developed a trusting, secure relationship with their own body. During puberty, the E4 experiences a development of their own sexuality, which often feels emasculated and leads to feelings of guilt. In many cases, daughters are discouraged by their mothers from expressing their femininity. As adults, the body and sexuality are often used solely to gain admiring and maternal love. The goal of physical love becomes to prevent the fear of abandonment and thus avoid losing the loved one.

One Christmas, Claudio invited me to use a vibrator. I had spent years longing for the long-awaited love! In the days that followed, he told me that I no longer had to wait for Prince Charming, that adults also meet through sexuality, and that a relationship can emerge from shared sexuality. For me, it was a Copernican revolution. —Giulia C.

Admiring love seems more accessible on the surface. In a relationship with a teacher, the Social 4 manages to incorporate admiration into their inner world, but in reality, they confuse admiration with envy. The relationship with the teacher is characterized by

idealization. The teacher becomes the highest realization of a person, a point of reference for others who receive esteem and admiration from everyone.

The Social 4 aspires to be like the teacher, to be the one who directs, helps, and has experienced and overcome pain. However, this envy is unbearable because it deprives them of their relationship with the teacher, so they transform it into admiration. The Social 4 is a dedicated student who aspires to be the favorite—most respected and loved—even though they are certain that this will never happen.

The love of God is also characterized by strong devotion, yet at the same time, it is full of desire—a longing to achieve something. It is an admiration that seeks to fill one's inner emptiness.

The dominant love, however, is maternal love. The Social 4 feels comfortable giving the other person attention, care, help, and emotional support. Their remarkable empathy allows them to perceive the moods of others, deeply understand them, and provide closeness, but they do this without clear boundaries. By helping others, they feel good and, in turn, more deserving of love. Additionally, by taking care of another person, they distract themselves from their own existential pain. Through maternal love, they feel warmth from others and themselves, and they feel generous and safe from abandonment because the other person needs them.

It is an emotional investment that, through resignation, sets everything in order, placing no obstacles in the lives of others. Moreover, it facilitates the other's life, and in the relationship, the E4 is willing to sacrifice themselves to be "unconsciously" reciprocated, ensuring the long-awaited connection. —Rosi C.

There was this crazy idea inside me that if I was attentive, caring, warm, and welcoming to my partner, he would never leave me. It felt like a guarantee against abandonment. Obviously, this didn't happen, and the unbearable pain I felt when he left me taught me the most important lesson: the only real abandonment that can make me die is the one that only I can inflict on myself. Even though I didn't know it then... I had been doing this in life up to that point! —Alichita R.

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