The Persona and the Shadow: For Those Who Are Destructive To Themselves And Others

It is evident, as described previously, that this character hides their virtues, qualities, and potential to say "no," set boundaries, get angry, shine, indulge in pleasure, or enjoy life. We have already discussed how this attitude, along with a view of life as a constant lack, leads to self-destructive behavior.

Now, we wish to illustrate how all this becomes harmful to those who are in relationships with people who identify with the Social 4 Enneatype. The intensity of melancholy and the sense of helplessness can be overwhelming, as these individuals cannot feel reciprocated in any relationship. When relationships are initiated from a place of insatiable hunger, there is no way to satisfy such a need. Dissatisfaction becomes permanent, and it evolves into reproach towards others, turning into a demand that destroys the possibility of love.

Due to the humiliation they’ve experienced and the blows they’ve endured, they accumulate a suppressed rage that twists inside, easily leading them to depression, total isolation, and even suicidal thoughts. These attitudes, in some way, the world accepts, as depression, isolation, and death can be, in part, an attempt to covertly punish themselves. Someone who feels punished doesn't want to remain in that state, but once again, this destructive mechanism acts in one direction: “I destroy myself by not destroying you, yet at the same time, I want to harm you. I also destroy myself doubly because I know I am causing this, and I provoke guilt in you for being the cause of my suffering.”

It is difficult for the individual to believe that someone can love a miserable person. If that’s the case, then this person must not be worth much, or they must be deceiving. No matter what the other does or says, the person will feel trapped in this inexorable trial. The more this occurs, the more helpless they feel, unable to question the judgment or believe they have a place in the heart or life of the other.

The empathy that the Social 4 feels toward others' suffering is highly paradoxical, because in truth, they cannot see others for who they are; they only see others based on the satisfaction they can provide.

The disqualifying mechanism that makes the Social 4 feel "miserable" is triggered at any moment, often without warning. They may find themselves crying without knowing why, triggered by any situation that requires facing something (in work, with a partner, friends, family...).

There is a deep sense of victimhood within them, and their internal abuser relentlessly inflicts cruel humiliations. In response, they mercilessly lash out at the enemy that is

themselves. By destroying themselves, they destroy their world—relationships, possibilities, illusions.

It is easier for a Social 4 to become aware of the damage they are causing to themselves because, believing themselves to be so inferior, they don’t consider that they can harm others. They may be unaware that self-sabotage is also a form of accusing others, weakening or annihilating them: they use others as projectiles to hurt those closest to them. A certain cruelty remains unconscious when they fail to give others recognition.

For others, it can be incredibly destructive if they don’t believe in their love or think they are important. They may unwittingly bring down those around them, constantly raising and lowering them in ways that subtly make them feel bad.

This dynamic also occurs in social or work relationships. A fragile, insecure, and powerless person makes it impossible to confront them about their responsibilities. It is difficult for them to recognize how this self-protection mechanism can rob a group of their help, support, or collaboration. They avoid contributing what they can or what is expected of them, burdening others instead.

If they don't take ownership of their passive-aggressive tendencies, and as they prevent themselves from standing out or shining, they will also attempt to prevent others from doing so (what is prohibited for me is prohibited for everyone). They must learn to own their envy in order to free others from having to cover the responsibilities they refuse to assume. Only by developing this sense of responsibility will they be able to exist in relationships without feeling like such a small, miserable person, and without the need for constant comparison. They will then have their own resources available to create what they want, no longer depending on what others achieve.

In a way, this would be an act of humility: recognizing the good things is an act of humility, a relinquishment of the special place of being the most suffering person in the world.

I once had an experience in a SAT group, where I was in the middle of everyone, vibrating with energy, and I suddenly began to cry. The therapist astutely recognized my mechanism and pulled me out of my tears. She confronted me with the joy I was feeling, forced me to tolerate it, and encouraged me to show it in front of the group. It was terrible, and now, as I write this, my cheeks are flushed, and my nose and eyes are watering. It was terrible because I realized how afraid I am of being destroyed if I am happy. I have an enormous fear of envious women. Here, two things are intertwined: one, the projection of my envious and emasculating mother onto the group, and the other, my own envy projected onto others.

Being in that moment was an experience full of revelations. My hysteria mechanism was present too—because I don’t have much space in my body to tolerate intense energy, it

overflows, and I become hysterical. The therapist helped me tolerate it, and I was able to move a lot in front of the group, with my hips and everything. There was guilt, anxiety, hysteria, shame, and above all, fear—the desire to disappear, to tell everyone that what was happening wasn’t real, and to apologize deeply for taking up their space and time. How embarrassing! I could feel my whole life flashing before me, the entire vibration of life overtaking me, and I could no longer hide it from them: they had discovered me. It is life itself that is in the shadow.

The Social 4 person treats their own world as if it were neither valuable nor important. They do the same with their children and partner. This is especially destructive for children, who look to their mother to nurture their self-esteem. The Social 4 mother, by wanting to love the other, settles into a position of servility, unable to set boundaries or assert her own needs. She gives everything, only to find that she isn’t appreciated, valued, or respected. By devaluing herself, the Social 4 leads relationships into inequality and imbalance in giving and receiving. This imbalance harms not only themselves but also the other person in the relationship. Subtly, there is a lack of gratitude and chronic discontent that wears down relationships, as the other feels their efforts are never enough, nor is who they are. They leave feeling unappreciated, undervalued, and unseen.

In truth, the Social 4 does not see others because they are so focused on what is missing in their own life. Their suffering blinds them from seeing others and loving them for who they truly are. If they dared to see the other, they would likely feel envy, which is why the Social 4 prefers to keep others small, ensuring they do not provoke envy. The smaller the other is, the more love the E4 believes they are giving. They see themselves as the savior, thus feeling worthy of receiving love. This dynamic is profoundly destructive.