Childhood

In most cases, the Social 4's mother has a strong and controlling personality. She is a tough woman who implements hypercontrol over her children, giving the child the perception of not having their own space. This prevents them from achieving autonomy because any initiative, any spontaneous movement toward independence, or any divergent manifestation is forcibly suppressed with a guilty intention. The mother occupies a lot of space, absorbs attention, and punishes. In some cases, she even seems to take pleasure in preventing her child from carrying out their wishes or any initiative outside the family. She intervenes in their friendships, judging their connections. She negatively evaluates the people around them and only approves of those who represent the values she believes in and identifies with. Usually, the friends the social child chooses are not appreciated and are discredited for fear of losing control over them, who may find other role models outside the family. Through the devaluation of friendships, the E4 child perceives distrust in themselves because they don’t feel capable of choosing for themselves.

"When my mother was at home, it was as if she were not there, or as if she were not there for me, because she was always busy with more important things, always working." —Alichita R.

"My mother didn't see me as someone other than her. I was an extension of her, and in this inability to see me, I just had to be perfect and meet all her expectations. I tried my best at everything—did very well in school, helped around the house, went shopping, paid attention to money, helped my father at work—but appreciation never came. On the contrary, a trifle was enough, a little milk put to boil on the stove, not having fulfilled one of her orders perfectly, for her anger to be unleashed, and blows to fly. I felt guilty and, in no way, allowed anger to get through to me. I was isolated from the world. I couldn’t ride a bike or play soccer for the neighborhood team. The fear that I would be hurt in some way stifled any attempt at autonomy. Often, as a child, I told myself that these couldn’t be my parents: I fooled myself by telling myself that I was the son of a king who had put me in this

painful situation to overcome difficult tests, and that later, when I grew up, he would come and take me back to the palace." —Valter M.

"As a child, I felt a deep emptiness, a lack of attention and affection mixed with the feeling of being forgotten. For a long time, I waited for my mother to approach me, to give me a hug, to caress me, to tell me that she loved me, while I played alone in a corner of the garden. Over time, I transformed this pain and tried to compensate for it with fantasy. I made up that this was not my real mother, that I was the daughter of a very good fairy who could not keep me and had entrusted me to that family to raise me, but that as soon as she could, she would come to recover me. Then, at last, I would be loved and happy." —Alichita R.

The father of the Social 4, in many cases, is a weak individual, little involved with the difficulty of assuming the role of father. He does not establish a relationship with his daughter, almost always mediated by the mother, who is usually the one who takes all the initiatives and decisions regarding the children’s lives. In other cases, the father appears as a punitive, authoritarian, and scolding figure, always preoccupied with his own concerns, which are considered much more important than those of his child.

In families with siblings, children of the Social 4 subtype often feel there is no place or time for them, because the needs, problems, and illnesses of their siblings take priority. The Social 4 child gives up asking for attention and feels that the needs of others are more important than their own. This perception is internalized and leads them to believe, throughout their life, that others are more important than they are in every way: those who are sick have more rights, and those who suffer are more important.

The Social 4 child often lacks physical contact, pampering, and caresses. If these do occur, it is not out of love but for other practical reasons—such as putting the child to sleep, feeding them, or checking their hygiene. This lack of warm contact leads to a poor development of trust and an appreciation of the body, both in childhood and later in adulthood. The E4's mother cares for the child primarily by performing basic functions such as providing food, managing health, and organizing their life. She focuses on the physical and biological development of the child but does not attend to their emotional needs or inner life. This type of affective relationship can explain how the Social 4 character is formed. From a very early age, the individual learns to express emotions primarily through crying and moaning. These manifestations serve to attract attention, avoiding the judgment of the mother or the adult.

"If I suffer, I will be important, and she will not be able to miss me. If I cry, she will be kinder to me." —Chiara F.

This causes the child to develop strong inhibitions regarding their maturation desires, accompanied by a deep feeling of guilt. Often, the child takes responsibility for the actions of the parents, devaluing themselves by judging their behavior as bad and thus saving adults from their own anger and possible devaluation. As a result, the child loses the natural connection between emotion and bodily reaction and fails to develop the ability to associate the appropriate behavior with what the situation demands. Crying and moaning become an unconscious tool for manipulation.

In most cases, the Social 4’s mother has a strong and controlling personality. She is a tough woman who exerts hypercontrol over her children, giving the child the perception that they do not have their own space. This prevents them from achieving autonomy because any initiative, any spontaneous move toward independence, or any divergent manifestation is forcibly suppressed with a guilty intention. The mother takes up a lot of space, absorbs attention, and punishes. In some cases, she even seems to take pleasure in preventing her child from pursuing their desires or any initiative outside the family. She intervenes in their friendships, judging their connections, and only approves of people who align with the values she believes in and identifies with. Generally, the friends the Social 4 child chooses are not appreciated and are discredited due to the mother's fear of losing control over the child, who may find other role models outside the family. Through this devaluation of friendships, the E4 child begins to perceive distrust in themselves because they feel incapable of making choices on their own.

When my mother was at home, it was as if she weren’t there for me because she was always busy with more important things, always working. —Alichita R.

My mother didn’t see me as someone other than her. I was an extension of her, and in this inability to see me, I had to be perfect and meet all her expectations. I tried my best at everything—did very well in school, helped around the house, went shopping, paid attention to money, and helped my father at work—but appreciation never came. On the contrary, the smallest mistake, like boiling milk on the stove or failing to fulfill one of her orders perfectly, would unleash her anger, and I would be punished. I felt guilty and could never let my anger show. I was isolated from the world, unable to ride a bike or play soccer with the neighborhood team. The fear of getting hurt stifled any attempt at autonomy. Often, as a child, I convinced myself that these couldn’t be my parents. I fooled myself by thinking I was the child of a king who had placed me in this painful situation to overcome difficult tests, and when I grew up, he would come to take me back to the palace. —Valter M.

As a child, I felt a deep emptiness—a lack of attention and affection mixed with the feeling of being forgotten. I often waited for my mother to approach me, to give me a hug, to caress me, to tell me she loved me, while I played alone in a corner of the garden. Over time, I

transformed this pain into fantasy. I convinced myself that this wasn’t my real mother, that I was the daughter of a good fairy who could not keep me, so she entrusted me to this family. But one day, she would come to take me back, and then, at last, I would be loved and happy. —Alichita R.

The father of the Social 4 is often a weak and distant figure, reluctant to assume the role of a father. He does not establish a relationship with his daughter, and this relationship is almost always mediated by the mother, who takes all the initiatives and decisions related to the children’s lives. In other cases, the father is punitive, authoritarian, and critical, focusing on what concerns him much more than what worries his child.

In families with siblings, the Social 4 child often feels like there is no place or time for them because the needs, problems, and illnesses of the siblings take priority. The Social 4 gives up asking for the attention they should naturally receive and begins to feel that the needs of others are more important than their own. This perception becomes internalized, leading the individual to believe that others are more important in every way—those who are sick have more rights, those who suffer are more important.

The Social 4 child lacks physical contact, affection, and care. When they do receive attention, it is not out of love but for practical purposes—feeding, putting to sleep, or maintaining hygiene. This lack of warm contact hinders the development of trust and body appreciation, which carries on into adulthood. The mother focuses on the child's physical and biological needs but does not attend to their emotional well-being or inner life.

If I suffer, I will be important, and she will not be able to ignore me. If I cry, she will be kinder to me. —Chiara F.

This leads the child to use crying and moaning as their main form of emotional expression, a tool to attract attention while avoiding judgment or punishment. The child develops a strong inhibition of their natural desires for maturation, paired with an overwhelming sense of guilt. They often take responsibility for their parents' actions, devaluing themselves by judging their behavior as bad, thus protecting adults from their own anger and possible devaluation. This inhibits the child’s ability to respond to emotions with the appropriate behavior, turning crying and moaning into an unconscious manipulation tactic.

I don’t know how I felt, certainly alone. I remember waiting for a doctor to tell my mother that I needed special attention, hoping that my great sadness would be justified scientifically and resolved. I cried often, as this was the behavior that got me the most attention. It seemed like I felt an infinite sadness. Joy didn’t seem attainable to me, so I would cry and lament neurotically. The victim attitude was mine for a long time. Moreover, this great suffering made me feel special.

The child experiences frustration when facing a reality that isn’t as they would like it. People are not what they expect, and this causes pain, but there is fear that expressing this feeling will lead to abandonment. They suffer for not having what they want but sacrifice themselves to avoid destroying others. This allows them to maintain the idealization of their family. The only way the child can preserve the family’s ideal image is by making it their own, by introjecting their mother and father’s beliefs.

A process of self-accusation begins, where the child blames themselves. They believe they are the problem and the cause of all negative things. The price they pay to keep their family’s ideal intact is the inability to express anger, a capacity that eventually disappears altogether.

The E4 child builds their sense of self around introjected parental figures, especially the mother. The child feels as if everything is in her hands—they have no right to choose because the mother knows what is right and good for them. They cannot express a need or assert autonomy.

Even when the mother does not actively make decisions for the child, the child subconsciously chooses the things their mother would choose, out of fear of rejection or punishment. Their unconscious desire is to avoid becoming a burden to the family.

The Social 4 feels somewhat like a puppet, moving only when their mother pulls the strings.

As a child, I did not take any initiative. I waited for my mother to propose something to me. When I had an idea or felt like doing something, I hoped she would guess it, reading my mind. But I never said anything, because her refusals hurt too much. —Alichita R.

To avoid the frustration of not being seen or noticed in my family, I excluded myself. I retreated into my own world—reading, drawing, and spending time with my best friend. —Chiara F.

The Social 4 child often feels left out when it comes to expressing emotions in a family where such expression is either not allowed or judged negatively. In other cases, it’s the parents who only support negative emotions, disregarding joy, success, or happiness. Within the family and the world, there is no space for the child to show their feelings, leading them to understand early on that to survive, they must avoid being seen. Their feelings become something to hide and protect, accompanied by a sense of inadequacy and wrongness. Shame becomes the guard of their inner emotional world.

The child turns invisible, remaining unseen to protect themselves from judgment and punishment. This separation between emotions and the body grows. When feeling anger,

love, or pain, the child does not express these emotions, fearing punishment and therefore internalizing them, immobilizing the ability to act.

In many cases, the mother’s influence severely inhibits the development of femininity in her daughter. The mother perceives the daughter's expression of femininity as a threat to herself. The Social 4 daughter rarely receives recognition for her appearance, with compliments directed at external things, like clothing, but not the person wearing it. Enjoying the body, food, vacations, and luxuries is stifled, and sexuality, sensuality, and eros will be penalized in the future.

The Social 4 feels disconnected from their parents’ life project and desires to be different. They long for something more—a love for the aesthetic harmony of the home, the originality of clothes, the beauty of costumes, refinement, and culture. Over time, this may develop into a sense of shame toward their family’s sociocultural level. These profound differences often lead them to feel that they are not truly the child of their parents and sometimes even wish they weren’t.

I remember when I was young, I thought I was adopted. I think it was the result of a love frustration. I felt so misunderstood and so different that I thought I wasn’t really their child. Over time, I developed a strong sense of aesthetics in all areas, a refinement of taste that had nothing to do with my family’s, which felt coarse and almost incomprehensible to me. —Alichita R.

The search for external beauty helps to repair the sense of scarcity, emptiness, and lack, while also balancing the beauty they cannot recognize inside. Therefore, the Social 4 child often experiences frustration with their own emotions, retreating into a fantastic and idealized world.

Reality is never as beautiful as we imagine it, which is why many times it’s better to stay in a dream than face the realization of what we imagined. Once it takes shape, it loses its charm and magic. —G. Leopardi.

It often happens that the child, instinctively sensing that the only way to communicate with the mother is through language, develops language early. Not infrequently, E4 children experience a sense of scarcity in their families, referring not just to emotional deprivation but also to economic and social deprivation. They often live in scarcity, not necessarily due to a real lack of financial resources but because of a tendency to save, driven by the fear that there may not be enough tomorrow. Sometimes, saving and not wasting becomes a point of pride for a parent.

The child is very sensitive to his mother's moods, perceiving her emotional fluctuations, which makes him feel anxious. The mood of the mother defines the atmosphere in the

home, especially since the father adapts completely to her to avoid conflict. There are no moments of frivolity; there are unspoken, unclear, or latent rules that govern the environment.

The child grows up with a sense of lack, yet it is difficult for him to understand what exactly he is missing, because he does not deeply know himself or his own needs.

He seeks friendships where the relationship is intimate, intense, and special. If a relationship lacks this depth, he prefers not to invest in it, avoiding superficial connections. He only opens up to those he feels a deep, mutual trust with, and he establishes relationships based on intense, meaningful contact.

During childhood, there may be other figures, such as siblings, who contribute significantly to suppressing the child's spontaneous expression. The presence of siblings often means the child receives less attention from the mother, who may already be stretched thin by other familial responsibilities. Sometimes, a sibling’s illness or disorder demands so much of the parents' energy and attention that the child is left feeling neglected, further discouraged from expressing themselves. This causes the child to withhold any spontaneous actions or words, waiting for a moment when the mother is not so preoccupied. Over time, this internalization causes frustration, and eventually, the child may lose touch with their own desires and needs, becoming disconnected from themselves.

As a result of this, the child becomes adept at aligning with others. Even in adulthood, the individual may struggle to connect with their own feelings and needs, requiring time to stop and reflect in order to understand what they truly want.

When siblings are present, they can exacerbate the suppression of the child’s needs, heightening feelings of comparison and envy. However, the Social 4 rarely expresses anger, frustration, or envy openly, as they want to avoid being perceived as negative or bad. Instead, they adopt a victim attitude, amplifying their complaints to attract attention from the parents and divert it from their siblings. They play the role of the good child who meets the mother’s expectations and refrains from causing trouble.

When siblings are absent, this dynamic can manifest in relation to other figures in the family or among peers, such as classmates who are more visible to teachers.