The Characteristic Neurotic Need

The subjects belonging to the Sexual 4 subtype flee from the void by increasing the desire to cover it, exaggerating the experience of lack that is characteristic of the envious character. The anchoring in the oral stage—and therefore voracious—typical of this subtype, is more hostile than in the other subtypes. Envy in this subtype is a passionate resentment. Since the neurotic instinct is sexual, resentment focuses on the desired and loved other, who is denied. Love turns to hate. They are passionate about hate, or rather, passionate about turning love into hate, as the only way to stay in the relationship, denying their need to be loved and denying the love they receive. Their love relationship becomes a battlefield; competition and conflict are the conditions that sustain it. Passionate and competitive intensity nourishes their ego, for their ideal self, which is strong, right, and deserving of everything.

Injustice and Claim

Sometimes, the Sexual 4 can be confused with an E2 subject, a self-proud person who presents herself as a queen with a throne. She enjoys her position, feels lucky, and apparently has a lot to give. However, a Sexual 4 person feels like a queen who was robbed of her throne early on, either because she has done something wrong or because others have realized she does not deserve it, and she spends her life claiming it.

"Give me back my throne! Don’t you realize that it's mine? This is unfair!"

In other cases, the individual E4’s hatred is not aware of the loss of the throne, but feels that it is unfair to lack what they lack. Loen spoke of this characteristic, referring to one of his cases:

"I have discovered that this attitude is typical of the oral character. I asked him if he thought the world owed him a livelihood. He did not hesitate to answer, 'yes.' It is impossible to argue against such an idea since it conveys an internal feeling of approval. The individual who adopts this attitude acts as if he believes that his birthright has been taken from him and spends his life trying to recover his inheritance."

What is neurotic is pretending to recover what is real or supposedly lost and demanding from the other what they lack, assuming (more or less consciously) that they will not achieve it. One of the distorted ideas rooted in the lack of emotional connection with the mother during the oral stage is: "I have come with fewer possibilities to this world." The sexual subtype seeks to return what they lost or receive what they lack by complaining and claiming. This cannot happen because the other cannot give it to them—they are not capable of satisfying each other. Satisfaction will never be achieved, since the sense of existence and the possibility of being recognized are tied to identifying with hatred towards others. Vital energy is nourished by competition with an "other" who is always experienced as the cause of their own lack. They cannot receive, as doing so is experienced as being in debt or putting themselves below, which they hate. Receiving what is concrete and limited from the other means saying goodbye to the fantasy of what was or what they suppose could have been. As we will see later, feeling gratitude is a powerful antidote to envy.

"What we do is try to appropriate what we lack; we have to take it because the world owes it to us, and if we don't take it, we're stupid. If we can't get it, we either compete or chop everyone's heads off, and it won't be anyone's."

In this paragraph, at least three distorted beliefs are captured (which we will discuss in detail later). The first is that the world owes me what I lack. The “sexual” subtype identifies with lack but gets angry about having it, denying it through pride and arrogance. They believe the world owes them what they lack, and they get angry when it isn’t given to them. The next misguided belief is that they must take what the world owes them, "and if you don’t take it, you’re a fool." This reinforces a feeling of being ready and feeds into a bad self-image, the experience of being a monster. There is a certain bad conscience about theft, which hides behind anger and resentment.

"For me, the neurotic need that has predominated is to be the preferred one, the first in the life of the object of desire, generally my partner and before, obviously, my father. The need for them to defend me, and for that preference to be demonstrated with acts that were obvious to everyone. I need to feel seen as good, pretty, adequate, etc. Like a princess, and not like the monster I used to live with."

Getting rid of that feeling of monstrosity actually feeds the sexual Four’s hateful reaction if they don’t achieve their goal.

"In my last marriage, this was my battle horse. I couldn’t accept not feeling preferred, I constantly wanted public evidence that didn’t come as I needed it. My resentment and my frustration prevented me from seeing the other as he was. I could only focus on my fight and the useless wear and tear this was causing me. The way I found to get out of this crazy game was to once again walk out of the relationship." — Cristina Dicucco

Irresponsibility

Many Sexual 4 recount autobiographical moments where they have projected themselves onto the other, generally onto their partner. They seek to complete themselves through fusional and dependent attitudes. Referring to the beginning of their relationship, a Sexual 4 recounts:

"Shortly after we met, we moved in together and I delegated to him the responsibility of making decisions. He only woke me up in difficult times, financial or otherwise. If not, he let me live, and I let him take care of the everyday. The essential thing for me, the engine that had started me, was finding my partner. Now that I had it, I could rest on my laurels (that of my mother that I had always rejected)."

In the neurotic need to demand that they be returned what they lost or what they lack, we see that it is common for this subtype to flee from difficulties. Even if they live alone and are successful in their work, their intimate attitude is to keep running away. Several could confirm and affirm this testimony:

"My life was traced fleeing from difficulties. That was my driving force. I couldn’t bear the responsibility of life, and I went looking for people and places that reproduced the maternal." — Juan Leon

"I took advantage of any excuse to throw myself out on the street. I needed people a lot, there was a lot of superficial noise in my mind, I constantly changed jobs, I dedicated myself to jobs I did not like, I changed cities easily, I tried to get away from my family. I was very afraid of my body, of the sensation of my own body; a feeling of permanent restlessness, of always looking the other way." — Juan Leon

The search for maternal refuge is driven by the need to find calm and the desire to be saved from hell itself. In fact, they intend to avoid the real work of growing up and taking responsibility for their own life. Another Sexual 4 man, referring to his misunderstanding of responsibility, states:

"I have never known what this means. By not trusting myself or anyone else, the blame for what happens to me lies with others. If you don’t hold me accountable, I’m still a child.

Then I project all my discomfort, my bitterness, my envy, and my scarcity on others, especially on the people closest to me, and I blame the world, turning all this into hatred. They owe me, I’ve had such a bad time that they have to give. But it is never enough, there is always someone who has more than me. And if they don’t give it to me, I demand it. And if not, I steal it because it belongs to me. It’s my part, they have a lot. And if I don’t get it, I’m dumb."

Beneath this is self-devaluation, distrust in being able to achieve their goals, and a fear of failure. They believe themselves to be worthless when taking responsibility. In fact, they don’t even think about it; it’s more comfortable to blame others. Setbacks are seen as confirmation of their own uselessness. They have a very low tolerance for difficulties, quickly becoming anxious and blaming others for their discomfort.

Orienting themselves to get what they want through their own means and risks means letting go of the fantasy of receiving what they think they are owed—loaded with idealization—and accepting the concrete achievements obtained, which can be experienced as inferences to the fantasized ones.