Interpersonal Strategy and Associated Irrational Ideas

As we have seen, subjects of this subtype demand compensation from the world and those around them for feeling deprived, which they experience as a grievance and use as a weapon to manipulate. The false sense of lack is a distorted vision (fixation) of oneself, projected onto others and the world (nothing and no one can fill me). For the E4, deprivation is not a specific affective experience tied to a particular event of abandonment or deprivation, but rather it is an existential condition of being the abandoned, the deprived, the unjustly discriminated against. In the sexual subtype, this cognitive distortion takes on the meaning of having every right to accuse the other for this lack and pretending that the other is as they wish. The fact that someone did not give you what you needed in your childhood is not false, but the problem lies in interpreting any event as abandonment or an unjust act, feeling entitled to destroy the guilty party, and accusing the world of not being understanding.

The impulse to destroy what is envied is typical of envy, and the Sexual 4 is the one who most clearly executes it. Their destructive impulse is based on the irrational idea that if the other does not have what they envy, the envy would disappear. Obviously, this is not the case because envy is an attitude rooted in the equally irrational assumption that what is good exists outside of oneself. Destroying what is envied does not prevent continued envy and contributes to increasing the experience of being a monster.

As we know, fixation is based on distorted beliefs about oneself, others, and life—“crazy ideas” that are out of touch with either the context or reality. Below, we will describe some of these distorted beliefs in various psychological and relational contexts.

Competitiveness, Insecurity, and Aggression

They share with other E4s the irrational belief, "Either I am the best or I am worthless." Since many others are better at different things, they often feel "worthless." As in all competitive relationships, they are convinced that good things are small and limited, that there is not enough for everyone. Therefore, they experience the idea that "if someone else has it, I can't have it." The "cake" is only for a select few, and if others are there, they believe they cannot be. They think that due to their qualities or abilities, they cannot be among "the chosen ones." Thus, their attachment and alliance with others serve to secure a piece of the cake. However, this is not even acknowledged openly or only very secretly. It is very difficult for them to recognize the desire for privilege (fame, wealth, or power), which they believe is meant for the few. In general, they take care that this desire goes unnoticed; they may even despise those who do not hide such desires and are proud of not having or displaying needs that may be seen as vulgar. They derive competitive energy from being the center of attention, monopolizing others' attention with histrionic, funny, and dramatic expressions.

A participant in a therapeutic group, where everyone except her were psychotherapists, comments:

"For some special reason, I had to be noticed. Since I couldn’t compete in their field, I played at being the sickest, the craziest in the place. And beware if someone, in good faith, approached and gave me encouragement! Their advice and help could be saved!"

In another group, under similar conditions, she reveals:

"I felt embarrassed with them. I never told them. Instead of sharing the insecurity that gripped me, I attacked them with bad faces, rudeness, and silence. I declared that everyone falsified their own process, that they didn’t really get involved, that they protected themselves intellectually from what was happening to them. I was the real one, the one who got dirty, the one who didn’t compromise."

This subtype also harbors the irrational belief that showing insecurity makes one unworthy. Insecurity is hidden through aggression. The perception of being the only authentic person in the room is typical of all haters, and the Sexual 4 uses this to more explicitly despise others. Recognizing oneself as intrinsically equal to the rest and having the same rights as others is a profoundly healing experience.

Fears and Projection

Many express fear of competing. Just as envy is hidden under contemptuous and proud attitudes, attacking others is the best way to avoid recognizing their competitiveness. When winning isn’t easy, retreating with a contemptuous or angry attitude becomes the best option, even if it increases their bitterness. Added to this fear is the fear of their own hatred, their own fury, which blinds them and brings power but also causes psychic destabilization and inner discomfort. One way to handle this fear is by isolating themselves with the experience of being totally misunderstood and establishing alliances that support them. From the non-recognition of their competitiveness, an E4 hatred affirms:

"I’ve always experienced the need to point out others' flaws more as a way of equalizing myself than as a need to be above them." — JUAN LEÓN

The Sexual 4 finds it difficult to maintain a desired sense of superiority and commit to the responsibilities that such authority entails. The desire for leadership is present, but it is almost always lived in fantasy and often discarded in reality as impossible. When the Sexual 4 attains power, they can become very authoritarian. We can see Hitler as a monstrous representative of this subtype.

Due to their internal devaluation and compensation through competitiveness, peer-to-peer interaction can be difficult for them. As with other traits and subtypes, they place the other below or above themselves. In its most neurotic state, the one below is despised, and the one above—who could be a source of enrichment—is envied. This creates an experience of hostility. Given the intensive use of projection as a defense mechanism against the awareness of their own hostile impulses, they easily hurt others. The idealized other, someone who can contribute to them, eventually shows their limits or stops contributing, and suddenly falls into the circle of those despised. This neurotic cycle is then reestablished, where the Sexual 4 no longer feels inferior, only to restart the circuit: idealization, disappointment, contempt, lack, envy, idealization.

The other, whether close or distant, easily becomes the enemy. Much of how insufferable they are to themselves and others is exacerbated by the confusion of rivalry with treating the other as an enemy. The rival is hated because they offend and activate rage. If they embraced rivalry, the Sexual 4 would engage in the work necessary to prepare to win something, but they handle rivalry with hate, not work. The irrational idea associated with this is: "If others are nothing, then I am necessarily better than them."

Revenge and Fight

With the irrational belief, "Either I get revenge or I’m stupid," they feed a revenge fueled by fantasies and resentments that they consciously carry out with impunity, convinced that they are responding to an affront. "If you do this to me, I’ll make it worse for you, and that way I put myself above you." "If I’m not above you, I’m worthless." Revenge can also be automatic. "When I do something harmful to someone, tracking it, I almost always find an affront to which I am responding."

As we’ve seen, it seems that all individuals of this subtype experience jealousy with great intensity. Several of them go as far as mounting histrionic scenes, while others try to hide them. Statements like this are not uncommon:

"I’ve always been very jealous, first of all, of my younger brother. I remember that when my father hit him, I felt as if he was hitting me. It’s like I wanted to be in his place, for my father to beat me up; if he did, at least he saw me."

"Fighting is always much better than indifference." The latter is experienced as the worst of punishments. Fighting is a form of relationship; it is a way of being taken into account, even if it means being hated. In their relationship with others, self-hatred and the rejection of their own helplessness also come into play.

Relationship with Authority

This subtype has the ability to despise others and sees what is lacking in authority, which they easily discredit. When this happens, they fight or move away, usually in an open and contemptuous manner. They are arrogant and confront authority with irony, striking where it hurts the most. It is very difficult for them to recognize the authority of others; to strip them of their power, they act as if they were on the same level, treating them as equals and trying to seduce them. This type of recognition is common:

"I need to know that I am on equal terms with the authority. I put humanity to the test, and if it does not respond as I think it should, I cut its head off, especially with contempt, speaking ill of it, putting myself above it and, above all, not needing it. Not at all." — JUAN LEÓN

Some do not openly state that they recognize another’s authority: "It bothers me that they might think I want to benefit from their contact." In general, before the few authority figures they recognize, they become submissive, helpful, and move with a high degree of loyalty and fidelity. In these situations, they display a great capacity for genuine commitment and collaboration.

It may be the case that if they are treated in a special way by a recognized authority, they feel preferred and compete with others. They inflate narcissistically to feel superior, projecting their own hostility onto others. They accuse others of going against them, even though they use the authority’s preference to feel like winners.

The idealization of authority figures is frequent. When they fall from their pedestal, this subtype may become depressed and then strongly discredits and despises them, never forgiving. This can also happen with a partner or an idealized friend.

They idealize those they believe can save them from how monstrous they feel and who will provide them with the intensity they seek. As with other subtypes, they also idealize those they think can offer them values they need to incorporate, parasitically. "If you have something, you have to give it to me."

Manipulation Tools

They possess a great capacity for verbal confrontation. Highly eloquent and sharp, when they are interested, they know exactly where to strike. By exercising this ability, their intention is to obtain what they want from the other person. If this doesn't produce the desired effect, they may resort to physical aggression or break objects in the presence of the other. The goal is to subdue them through fear: having the other person frightened by their rage and histrionic crises is a way of dominating them.

Many report losing sight of the world when they get angry, seeing things as blurry or everything turning red. However, they are perfectly aware of the value of what they might break and can be selective: they won’t break a five-hundred-year-old Chinese vase unless doing so will hurt the other more.

If none of the above works or isn’t frightening enough, they may resort to threats of self-harm, such as saying "I’ll kill myself," "I’ll throw myself out the window," or "I’ll starve myself to death." Sometimes, they even attempt suicide or engage in self-harm.

One of their manipulative tactics is to evoke pity by recounting and exaggerating episodes from their life to impress others. In reality, they often have the most dramatic and violent experiences, though they rarely recognize this. Deep down, they are aware that they use this to attract attention and seek protection.

The primary manipulation tactic is blaming others for their unhappiness and for being treated unfairly. They use their sharp ability to expose others' falsehoods, pettiness, arrogance, or manipulation and try to fix things by getting what they want for their own

benefit. They are excellent strategists. Another method is demanding more attention from a partner, friend, or family member, often making them feel jealous in the process.

I have often been told that I am frightening, that my reactions are terrifying, and that I possess great strength and emotional control in any situation. And it's true—there is an infinite range of resources to get away with things. But when I achieve it, the aftermath is a guilt that overwhelms me. I don’t enjoy losing, nor do I enjoy winning. The battle is always lost.

This is one of their greatest flaws, as their competitiveness never allows them to find peace. They cannot be calm, neither when losing nor when winning. Serenity within themselves is very difficult to attain, as they try to escape the internal experience of being monsters. They cannot accept their desires because they are entangled in protesting their lack and destroying the well-being of others. It is precisely the belief that they are lacking that provides them with the energy to fight, the sense of existence, and feeling alive. Emotional catharsis temporarily calms them and is sought after because it brings intensity. Since satisfaction is unattainable for the envious person—because satisfaction is their form of healing—this subtype uses outbursts to release the bitterness and rage caused by their dissatisfaction. The false identity is built upon a false sense of lack, which allows them to feel justified in claiming and demanding, placing themselves at the center of the world. The irrational belief that if they don’t demand attention, no one will notice them sustains their envy and competitiveness.

The sexual subtype neurotically seeks unconditional love. If the other person loves them, they believe that person must put up with them. They test this love to see if it is the ultimate one, the kind that will save them from their internal unease for being so monstrous. If they can prove that the other does not offer this unconditional love, they can blame them and continue in the ongoing war within the relationship, which is typical of this subtype.

Deep down, they hope the other person does not yield to their manipulation; if they manage to manipulate them, they will despise them. When they find someone who does not give in to their neurotic demands and is in a good mood, they cannot stop attacking them. They cannot tolerate others being well if they are not. "If I don’t enjoy myself, no one will enjoy themselves here," "If I’m not happy, let no one be," "If I suffer, we all suffer." These are irrational beliefs based on a very distorted concept of justice and injustice.