Emotionality and Fantasy

“Stop acting so small.

You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” — Rumi

E5s are intellectually curious types who love to explore what interests them and dedicate a lot of time to things that are not practical. But despite their efforts to think, they also harbor powerful feelings. Of course, they make sure that what they communicate is well thought out, which makes them seem less emotional than they actually are.

Even if they don’t show it, they get frustrated with others and with their own behavior… and the fact that they don’t feel comfortable expressing themselves also frustrates them. In many ways, they long for human connections, but to connect, they need to build bridges over the moats they’ve dug to keep themselves separated from others.

They are much more sensitive than they seem. Being a fearful character, they tend to feel crippling anxiety that is usually only noticed by close family and friends. Behind their distant exterior, they have delved into subjects they deeply enjoy. As a result, E5s have intellectual areas of interest and deep understanding, which they take pride in. Self-Preservation 5s retain their knowledge in the same way they retain themselves. Therefore, they are solitary specialists.

This character isn’t very expressive on an emotional level, to the point of seeming unaffected. Their access to the emotional world is conditioned by the defensive strategy of pathological distancing, so they “encapsulate” their emotions.

“Since I was little, I had to hide my emotions a lot. When I expressed my anger, my mom always laughed, and I felt embarrassed. She preferred to endure it, pretend it wasn’t there, because since she couldn’t find a way to protect me, it was better that she didn’t notice it in me.” - Yashmir H.

E5s are certain they have an inherent ability to theorize and understand things more deeply than others, although they never openly say this. However, they are never “fully” present. They emotionally detach from others to avoid intrusions into their time and space and to invest more in their mental activities. They believe that if they plan and know enough, they will survive and even thrive, despite being isolated.

This defensive mode of functioning is structured like a system, so that when the emotional sensory stimulus reaches the body, the organism registers an invasion and goes into alert mode. The Self-Preservation 5 activates the defensive measure of division, and while their

body goes through the experience, the mind with which they identify withdraws. This is the moment when they subjectively experience a blackout and paralyzing anxiety, while externally experiencing an emotional dilemma in the form of distance or opposition.

In the here and now, the answer to the question. What am I feeling? Usually, it’s: I’m not feeling anything. Thus, the emotion is stored as bodily memory and dissociated from the mental context, as if the reptilian brain were partially disconnected from the mammalian brain and the neocortex.

“I experienced violence (sadism). In that moment, an incorrect association was created in my psyche between the concepts of violence and strength (strength = violence). Hence the fundamental refusal to express any type of pushing and occupying movement in the external world and the intention not to create any disturbance for others.

But in this way, I deny myself the chance to live. Entering the flow of life means expressing the man I am, bringing the masculine energy of pushing and occupying space into the competitive context of reality. But as long as there is no distinction between violence and strength, this will not be possible.

Strength is the natural and healthy energy of the inner animal, while violence is the misapplication of this strength by the distorted consciousness of man. But deep inside that boy who had to endure violence, the equation strength = violence remains fixed. The real step is to fully enter into this old pain to untie this knot, to accept this violence through the tools of compassion and forgiveness, and in this acceptance, recognize one’s own strength and give a true direction to life.

In summary, the difficulty is going beyond fear to accept violence and the feeling of vulnerability. But escaping from all these risks leads to an internal state of intense anxiety and compensatory, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, dominated by a strong ‘resentment’ toward the outside world, with repressed anger and the risk that violent behavior will be triggered—if the level of internal pressure is such that it can no longer be contained.” — Nicola B.

Thus, this character cannot elaborate or give meaning or context to the emotional experience, which remains available only as fragmented memory.

“I have fantasies of anger in which I imagine everything I would say to someone I’m angry with and don’t dare. I make them know all the damage they’ve caused me, and I want them to feel really bad.” — Angelica A.

“I won’t be able to speak clearly about how I experience my emotionality until I’m aware of the emotion. Often, I don’t live it externally, but I carry it inside me like a time bomb.” — Leda O.

In fact, the emotional experience of the E5 is such a hidden secret that it can rarely be revealed.

“I have doubts whether it’s because I don’t feel or if I’m just incapable of expressing myself. When I watch a movie, if I start crying, I hold back or need to hide. There’s a need not to show fragility in the presence of others. I have the idea that I must appear impassive.” — Rita P.

“The main emotions that are contacted (but not recognized or expressed) are related to the invasive effect of the world. The anger (unexpressed) linked to injustice (‘It’s not fair that the world is cruel to me’) serves to avoid the feeling of territorial impotence (‘I can’t do anything against the invasion of the outside world’). This, in turn, covers up the self-devaluation (‘I can’t compete in the world’) and, therefore, resignation (‘I can’t do anything to change my condition’) until reaching the bottom of despair, linked to loneliness and the perception that nothing in the outside world can help me.” — Nicola B.

The deficit in connection with oneself is related to a lack of empathy, understood as the basic ability to establish emotional connections. This aspect is a source of frustration for the Self-Preservation 5, who perceives, mentally, by reading the data of reality, that they lack relational skills. They typically make a mental description of emotions:

“I am deeply affected by what happens in the world. The hunger of people, the hunger in many ways, not just physical, but also moral, the hunger for power.” — Angelica A.

It’s as if, to orient themselves in the world, the Self-Preservation 5’s only strategy is deduction, that is, the analysis of the data of reality, without being able to rely on emotional-intuitive information.

This type is always cautious with people or things that come with “strings attached.” Since their instinctual center is weak, they fear “giving up their power.”

“I get angry when someone doesn’t listen to me (or others), especially when I say “no” and they keep insisting. I get angry when I’m left hanging without prior notice. I get angry when people want to take my time without asking me. The fact that I get angry doesn’t mean I express it. I still fear uncontrolled anger. Expressing my anger continues to connect me to the belief that “you don’t have the right to express your anger and will be punished for it.” — Manuela R.

“My boss can’t see what’s happening in the institution. I can’t trust him to make the best decisions. He’s only interested in being in power and doesn’t see the needs of the students, the gardens, the animals. He wanted to buy me a position to silence my thoughts and accusations.” — Angelica A.

The E5 withdraws from external activities to feel in control of the situation, in order to navigate from a position of strength. They separate what is important from what is irrelevant and have an unrelenting focus on getting to the bottom of things. “Intellectual curiosity about a subject is enough to make it a domain.”

“When I’m asked something, I’ve already mentally reviewed the theories of various authors to give an answer; an answer I never give, because I don’t want to seem like I’m more than the other person, although deep down I know I am.” — Angelica A.

The emotional deficit, therefore, directs mental activity to create theories to understand reality. They imagine scenarios to anticipate reality and trust their own opinion. They believe that things will be under control if they know enough and that they can take control of any subject, as long as they plan it well enough. In the end, they have delusions of grandeur that make them dream of what the world would be like if they could organize things.

Their fantasies are related to constructing codifiable and intelligible worlds, where their point of view becomes the only expert and competent one in reality. They feel powerful knowing that others have not thought as deeply about things as they have or have not reached the same level of understanding. But one thing is to create theories, and quite another is to put them into practice. This character has trouble with simple things that most people can solve spontaneously.

“I have catastrophic fantasies. When I propose something in the real world, I always imagine how bad it could be. Everything that could go wrong, I place in the worst possible scenario!” — Angelica A.

The neurotic need to nullify the impact of emotional stimuli leads them to seek refuge in parallel realities: the mentalization of the experience becomes an escape to solitary activities that represent, for this type, the true reality.

“I feel like I live more internally, either constantly thinking about anything or self-analyzing myself to exhaustion.” — Camila L.

Their fantasy is not fueled by visions and images, but rather by theories and maps of reality encoding, with ethical supplements. It is an omnipotent, pseudological, decontextualized, and ineffective construction.

Childhood

Let’s now take a look at the childhood of the Self-Preservation 5. What happened to someone who became a solitary defender of their space and a savior of words.

Birth

Their arrival in the world was not easy, due to complications that could be interpreted as not wanting to be born.

“It seems like I didn’t decide to be born. I had folded and pointed my elbow forward, and it seemed difficult to grab me, given the position.” — Martha F.

“I was born about two weeks late, and the labor was very difficult (one day of labor). This confirms my desire not to be born and how comfortable the womb must have been. There was obstetric violence because I was in a breech position, they turned me and pulled me out with forceps. They say I was all bruised and very swollen, like a boxer.” — Camila L.

“My mother always said that I was born late: she had lost track of the dates, and besides that, it was a long labor, almost a full day. Maybe I didn’t want to be born? She also often reminded me how much she suffered during labor and how much it hurt (she must have been right about something because she had a detached uterus).” — Manuela R.

“My mom asked my dad to be the one to receive me since he had just graduated as an obstetrician. According to her, he anesthetized her too much because he didn’t want to see her suffer. I came out of the womb and went back in, several times, until my dad realized the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. Then he put his hand between the cord and my neck, and I finally managed to come out.” — Yashmir H.

“A fall on the stairs put my mom’s pregnancy at risk.” — Michele C.

Beyond the suffering experienced by those who identify with this birth subtype, what’s most striking is the symbolism of this moment as the difficult experience of entering the world and the desire to stay protected in a shelter where survival is assured in its basic elements. The outside world is overwhelming, noisy, and violent.

Mother

In one of the baby’s earliest experiences, breastfeeding, which aims to promote intimacy and bonding with the mother, the Self-Preservation 5 often encounters difficulties in satisfying the newborn’s hunger. With this inability to provide vital food, the difficulty of the mother in meeting the child’s needs, and perhaps here we find a trace of hostility and

rejection, consciously or unconsciously, toward the newcomer, which might lead the baby to intuit that, in order to survive, needs must be minimized, or that satisfying their needs is not pleasant at all.

“My mom couldn’t breastfeed me; her milk was scarce and bad (that’s what they told me). She tried before realizing it wasn’t possible and started using formula. I know they often forgot to feed me. Or my mom would put salt instead of sugar, by accident, of course. As a result, I refused this strange-tasting food, while my mom, unaware of the mistake, insisted on forcing the milk down my throat because ‘this child doesn’t eat anything.’” — Martha F.

“My mom says she always had the impression her milk was very light, like oatmeal porridge. Apparently, it satisfied me, but only for a short time. Soon, I’d ask for more, and she’d give it to me, but saw it wasn’t enough. So she opted for formula or to swap me with my aunt, because, according to her, I adapted better to my aunt’s nipple and stayed satisfied longer, while my cousin ate more comfortably with her and didn’t ask for as much food.” — Yashmir H.

These testimonies tell us of a cold breast, one that can nourish but does not warm, of a mother who doesn’t know how to convey her presence to her child or who places physical survival above the bond of love, as if love itself were not sustenance. In any case, the future child grows up with the conviction that they were inconvenient or bothersome to their mother, a strange being, and that the best way to form a connection with her is through distance, not complaining and avoiding intimate contact. In this way, the mother’s anxiety calms down, and the boy or girl learns to live with little and to nurture the belief that life is precarious.

Breastfeeding

The mother, the primary caregiver and fundamental link to the world, is often described in the life stories of Self-Preservation as anxious, overprotective, invasive, unpredictable, manipulative, and frustrated; but above all, as someone who does not protect, who is not affectionate, and does not inspire trust or security, whether because she fails to meet the basic needs or because she does not protect the child from external dangers, even going so far as to blame the baby for what happens to them.

"My mother was unpredictable; I never knew if, when I approached her, she was going to hug me or hit me." - Manuela R.

"If I didn’t eat something by noon, she would bring it to me at dinner, and if I didn’t eat it, she would find me the next day, and so on, until my mother decided (in her total

unpredictability) that it was time to force things and put the food, whatever it was, in my mouth and push it down my throat to make sure I could swallow. Not knowing when my mother would decide to use force was always a surprise. It was like knowing I could choke on the food, in her hands. To perform the maneuver, she would unexpectedly grab me from behind, so I learned to always stay alert. My mother would sometimes shake violently while yelling at me, saying it hurt her to have a daughter like me, that she didn’t deserve my attitude after all the sacrifices she made for me, and that anyway, she could always kill me because I was hers." - Martha F.

"On vacation by the sea, when I was five or six years old, my mother put me in the waves with her. I was afraid of the sea, I didn’t know how to swim, much less surf the waves. With the smaller waves, there was no problem; my mother would jump in them with me, but if a big wave came, my mother would throw me in the air. I was rolled by the waves and thrown onto the sand, which made me angry, and I didn’t go back into the sea for the rest of the day. When I asked her why she did that, she told me, 'It’s better for one to die than for both of us to die.' Obviously, I always thought that the one who wanted her to die was me." - Yashmir H.

"A teenage neighbor of about sixteen, when I was six, used to make sexual advances towards me, until there was some abuse, along with my brother. I told my mother and she told me that I had asked for it, that I had gone for it. As if I knew." - Rita P.

"From my mother, besides the humiliations, I remember the invasion. I filled my plate forcing myself to finish everything, I lent my things to my cousins..." - Michael C.

With an invasive and dangerous mother, the boy or girl learns not to trust in romantic relationships and to maintain a state of alertness to protect themselves from the very person who is raising them and telling them they are loved. Their only defense is the internal barrier to protect at least their small inner world. A barrier that will remain up to protect them from all their emotional relationships.

The Father

In contrast to the mother, the father is presented as an emotionally distant, absent, unknown, and silent figure, about whom there seems to be little to say. Only one person mentions that their father was violent. Almost a stranger due to the limited relationship, the father generally delegates the care of the children to the mother.

"My father emotionally kept his distance, but at the same time, he was so worried that he was suffocating everyone." - Giovanna R.

"My father was and is a very quiet and distant man, both emotionally and physically. He was the one who often took care of the practical aspects of caregiving, though from a vast distance." - Martha F.

"I am the daughter of a more provider-type father, with few demonstrations of affection." - Rita P.

"Mine was an absent father. I was rarely at home, and when I was, I was only physically present; emotionally, no. I spoke to him, but he didn't speak back to me. He was so absorbed in his own world that he didn’t even listen to me." - Manuela R.

"My mother divorced my father when I was one year old, and he moved to another country. He would send things from time to time until I no longer heard from him. When I was 15, he returned for a few days and left again. And this happened on a few more occasions, but he is practically a stranger to me. And if I ask him about his life, he doesn't tell me much." - Yashmir H.

"My father, who worked at night, has been an almost completely unknown and absent figure, except for continuously telling me that life is a burden." - Michael C.

The Relationship Between the Parents

The relationship between the parents is usually seen as lacking love, warmth, and displays of affection. The future child's Self-Preservation 5 is immersed in a world of emotional coldness, which prevents them from experiencing an emotional relationship, which later leads them to not know how to relate to others.

"If we consider that their relationship was perceived as devoid of love and warmth (no kisses, no hugs), my characterological inability to understand what love is found fertile ground in the family dynamic." - Nicola B.

The Environment

The environment surrounding the future child is not pleasant. It is usually filled with tension, fear, insecurity, distrust, and manipulation. The child also doesn't find anyone to contain, wait for, or protect them; instead, they feel abandoned to their fate, terribly vulnerable. It is to protect themselves from this intrusive world, which can hit them at any moment and keeps them in a constant state of alertness, leaving them with no energy

except to protect themselves, that they choose to isolate, distance themselves from people, and go unnoticed as much as possible.

"The perception of the dangerous external world dominated my life. I spent my childhood avoiding others in a world that could invade you at any moment. The curiosity to explore the world was completely neutralized by fear." - Nicola B.

"The atmosphere at home was never pleasant. He didn't laugh, play, or engage. Sometimes it felt like there was hardly any air to breathe; everything was paralyzed, still, silent. Wherever I was in the house, I always had the impression that, at any moment, from behind or anywhere, something or someone could come to hit me, and occasionally, my mother actually did." - Martha F.

"I suffered a lot when my mother left me at other children's houses or when she took too long to come get me because I thought I would never see her again, that she would be forgotten and abandoned, or even that something like death could happen to her. I remember this made me isolate myself because I stopped going to birthday parties and gathering with other kids. Sometimes I also didn't understand the cruelty with which children were treated and wasn't interested in participating in their games. I felt more comfortable alone or with a friend." - Camila L.

Learn, then, to be conservative, to behave well, not to cause problems, to walk quietly, to breathe minimally, and to become invisible to protect your existence.

"I learned this very early. The house, the family, and my relatives: none of that was right; therefore, it was better to be alone." - Martha F.

"I learned to stay quiet and still as a way to protect myself, to avoid making my mother angry or being hit by her for anything. Also, as a way to go unnoticed and not disturb mommy, who was so busy with her household chores." - Manuela R.

"When moving from place to place, I would completely forget about people, about their faces. I felt alone. I tried to take up as little space as possible, never asked for anything, and rarely accepted what was offered to me." - Michael C.

If the child can express their discomfort or frustration due to the situations they have experienced through anger, the matter is minimized or mocked, leaving a sense of powerlessness in their body.

"There was a time, around four years old, when I had outbursts of anger. I remember it was a feeling of frustration because my parents didn't pay attention to me and laughed at my outbursts." - Camila L.

Feeling that they don't have enough strength to defend themselves and that there is no one to defend them, they opt for non-defense as a way not to hurt themselves, believing that those who don't harm and stay on the margins don't need to get hurt.

"Several times I was taken to a psychologist because of my shyness. The first time was when I was five years old, because the teachers said I didn't defend myself. At that time, I already had the idea of not hurting others because they might feel bad, and I didn’t want to feel guilty for making someone else feel bad about something I did or said." - Camila L.

"I have memories of not defending myself at school. A boy my age took the modeling clay from me, and some older kids, during recess, took my hat. My reaction was passivity, doing nothing. I felt helpless, scared, and didn't know what to do." - Manuela R.

"At school, although I wanted to play, I didn't, because I noticed there were girls who were very rude, and I felt I wouldn't be able to deal with that. So, I spent every recess sitting and talking to the same classmate who, like me, wasn't exposed to the pushing and running of the others." - Yashmir H.

The Silence

Despite everything, the child’s desire to be seen persists, and they try to get closer, mainly to the mother, or perhaps to another adult, sharing what is happening to them, what they feel, what they consider intimate.

But the mother shamelessly reveals what the child confides in her, or simply doesn't believe what the child tells her. Once again, the child sees their trust betrayed. They then conclude that talking about their things only brings them trouble and withdraw into silence, the best option to move forward.

"I knew it was much better not to say anything or give anything about myself, my mother, or anyone, so I didn’t speak. She was a very quiet girl, too quiet. The inability to speak, the muteness, found, so to speak, fertile ground in the certainty of not being heard or believed." - Martha F.

"She told other people about my intimacies and used what I had told her to hurt me when she was angry with me. I learned to keep what happened to me, to keep it to myself, because telling was a source of pain. My way of protecting myself was to be silent. I can't trust even my mother, who says she loves me so much... Sometimes my mother didn’t believe me when I told her something." - Manuela R.

"I told my mother things about myself that caused me shame and asked her not to mention it to anyone. But before I knew it, I realized that other family members knew about it. I decided not to tell him anything else and tried to find other confidants, but I had the same result." - Yashmir H.

Recognition

Apparently, one of the ways Self-Preservation finds to be acknowledged or attract the interest of parents or the environment is by being a good student or a child who behaves well and doesn’t cause problems.

"The only way to get recognition from my parents was to study and get good grades. My mother was happy and proud of me, and it was one of the few occasions when my father spoke to me to congratulate me." - Manuela R.

"My somewhat autistic behavior was reinforced by my teachers, who always said I was very good because I didn’t cause trouble and also got good grades." - Lead O.

Study and books can become an excellent refuge, a table to cling to.

"I found refuge in reading. It was a safe hiding place, a small burrow to breathe, feed, and increase the refuge that was more intimate." - Martha F.

The Essential Wound

To close this chapter, three stories will lead us to connect with the essential wound of the future child. It is the Self-Preservation 5 who, when faced with threatening experiences, decides that the best way to deal with life is to disappear and withdraw.

In the first story, we discover that the decision to become invisible stems from fear and helplessness, but also from anger. Often, conservation's isolation involves revenge because, as Claudio Naranjo says: "To separate from people is like fighting against them. It's as if, in the impossibility of expressing anger, the Is annihilates the other in their inner world."

"I have a very clear understanding of the formation of my character. I am the eleventh child in a family of thirteen siblings. My parents didn’t see me. My refuge was my room. Since I was little, I didn’t like people very much. I felt strange. My father was very violent. He would beat my siblings for any reason. I felt scared and angry. My mother and siblings didn’t defend them. I didn’t feel strong enough to fight against my father, until one day, when I was in my little room, I saw my father hitting one of

my brothers. I got very angry and made the decision to become invisible. I told myself: My father will never see me, and he will never hit me in his life. I will watch the world from my window. And that’s what I did." - Lead O.

The following is a story of shock and misunderstanding in the face of received violence, which leads the girl to divide her body (which freezes) and withdraw into her inner world.

"My mother could suddenly appear, as if emerging from her abyssal distance at any moment, and her actions were almost entirely unpredictable, a harbinger of invasions both to give affection (only in the ways and times dictated by her) and to punish. It was not uncommon for my mother to enter the room where I slept at five in the morning, uncover me, undress me, raise the blinds, and begin shouting, accusing me of continuing to sleep. She would then literally drag me, pulling me by the head and hair, and put me in the bathroom under water that, given the conditions we lived in, was very cold. I remember very well the impression I had the first time I realized this. I kept telling myself that I didn’t understand that I didn’t understand, and it was like taking a big step backward within myself. Retreating inward, freezing everything else. I knew that if she wanted, she could kill me, that I could die, that I was completely at her mercy, and that withdrawing into myself was the only way to save myself. She could do whatever she wanted, at any moment, and of course, this would happen again, but I would save myself first. Totally disconnected from everything around me and outside of myself, I caught my breath in an invisible place, inaccessible to everyone, a completely internal place." - Martha F.

Who perfectly describes how he processed these experiences and moved forward is R. D. Laing, in his book The Divided Self:

The normal individual, in a situation where everything he sees threatens his being and offers him no real possibility of escape, falls into a schizoid state as he tries to escape, if not physically, at least mentally: he becomes a mental observer who watches, with detachment and impassivity, what his body is doing, or what is being done to his body. If this happens to the "normal" subject, it is at least possible to suppose that the individual whose persistent mode of being in the world has this divided nature is living in a world that is for him, but not for others. The world is for him, a world that threatens his being on all sides, and from which there is no possible escape. This is, indeed, the case for such people. For them, the world is a prison without bars, a concentration camp without barbed wire.

The paranoid person has specific pursuers. Someone is against him... The person I am describing feels, at this stage, pursued by reality itself. The danger is represented by the world as it is, and by other people as they are. The self, then, by disincorporating, seeks to transcend the world and, therefore, feel safe."