Persona and Shadow: What Is Destructive For Yourself And Others

If by shadow we understand what a person hides and does not live consciously, what the Self-Preservation 5 has not developed and hides unconsciously is love and the desire to belong. It also involves a strong anger that, although rarely manifesting in an obvious way and more frequent in the form of silent revenge and withdrawal, exists in fantasy as potentially destructive, to the point of being close to the possibility of turning them into a neutral killer—neither hot nor cold, but a killer in the end.

"One of the most destructive things is the killer I carry inside me almost without realizing it. For a long time, I've been afraid of physical violence, maybe because I feel that if I let out what I have inside, I could even kill." - Yashmir H.

It is common for the Self-Preservation 5, during childhood, to have had experiences of invasion on various levels, which led to violence, and to associate the experience of love with what should have been love—with invasion. They find themselves catapulted here to Earth, knowing that love does not exist, and if it did exist anywhere, it certainly wouldn’t be directed toward them.

This is reflected in not wanting to be born or being unable to stay alive (the living-dead) and in the perennial impression of having been forcibly brought into this world, which is certainly not where they should be. An exile.

"The feeling of disgust is reflected in not wanting to have been born, which translates both into not wanting to live and into hatred and contempt for life." - Camila L.

"I’ve always felt that the universe was wrong for bringing me into such a cruel and merciless world like this planet Earth. Something happened for me to fall here and not where I really should be." - Yashmir H.

Where this character seems least developed, or almost totally underdeveloped, is in love. An empathic incapacity that arises from not having felt the breath of life, the fullness of existence. Deep down, almost forgotten, there is a hidden desire for belonging that cannot be explicitly stated or have space, a right to exist, and is systematically overshadowed by dryness and aridity, by the desert. Having been unable to experience any warmth, the consequent lack of faith in life and humanity leads to an impassive and distant gaze, full of contempt. The hidden and harmful consequences, for themselves and others, can be summed up in one word: meanness. A meanness that manifests in a series of seemingly invisible behaviors, but undoubtedly harmful.

"The most destructive thing I have is a very silent revenge. I don’t know how to face the most complicated situations in life that the world faces, especially when it comes to relationships. I stop trusting the other and enter into a destructive silence that harms both. Giving up, not believing that things are worth it, is my most hidden side. Looking at the other and often at myself with indifference is also something that hurts me." - Lead O.

Disinterest stands out in this character's behavior. The vital horizon narrows so much that it almost disappears, and with that, the desire to participate also fades.

"At the gym, for example, I don’t know my colleagues, I don’t share, I prefer to do the exercises in isolation, with high concentration. There is a tendency to devalue myself, not to value others, to be very self-centered, to interact little." - Rita R.

Others become an obstacle to solitude, to the longed-for isolation. The Self-Preservation 5 feels contempt for the other, yet continues to see them as "superior." Relationships, of any kind, are not possible because the world asks too much and takes too much, and it is always better to withdraw. The desire is to walk without leaving traces. It is still an expression of extreme delicacy and sensitivity, but it also shows a reluctance to exist, an inability to embody in a body. This attitude creates an internal and external distance that, over time, becomes insurmountable and makes reality, the other, and others, increasingly unreachable.

Thus, this character creates a polarity: others are annoyances and objects of critical judgment, and at the same time, they are inaccessible. This increases their internal experience of inadequacy, which, once again, increases their distance from others, and withdrawal becomes the only path. At what cost? At the cost of their own life.

This inaccessibility is the wound that the person with this character causes in others, disregarding the insecurity this attitude generates. Closed-off people not only don’t know their inner world but also have to maintain a relationship with it that does not nurture them.

"I walk through the world leaving no traces. I could be in workshops, groups, work... and be physically alone, without saying anything about myself or what is really happening with me. In this way, I’m perpetuating my non-right to existence, as I pass through places without sharing myself and without creating a bond, reproducing the circle of isolation. Another aspect of this concealment is that the other doesn’t know me. I had a group of friends who gave each other birthday presents, and they gave me things that I thought: 'How can they give me this?' (because it was horrible, or it wasn’t practical, or something that meant nothing to me). I remember a comment like: 'I didn’t know what to buy for you.' I didn’t understand them and, internally, I was angry because they weren’t right. Now, I understand that I didn’t release my clothes in me, and they were lost. This fact of not sharing leaves the other exposed." - Manuela R.

The internal killer we spoke of earlier manifests by killing the other, pretending they don’t exist...

"For me, this person doesn’t exist, I’ve killed them internally." - Manuela R.

...or by seizing the exact moment for "cold" revenge:

Once, at work, I asked someone from another team for a series of things I needed, and they delivered them late and incorrectly. At that time, I didn’t know how to complain or say anything. Two years later, we met again, and the team I was in sent a file to theirs and to them. They processed the information wrong. We had a phone meeting to resolve the issue, and I was consciously serious and harsh, telling him they were doing everything wrong. The other seemed lost as to what they should do. The other seemed lost as to what they had to do, and I gave him the minimum amount of information, just enough so it wouldn’t be obvious that I didn’t want to help him.** - Manuela R.

More rarely, this can also manifest in a warm way, acting despite the fear it provokes and the possibility of violence. It is impossible for Self-Preservation 5s to feel strong because their view is distorted: strength equals violence and invasion. As a result, they try to escape from everything. "Once, I was so exasperated with a cousin that, for the first and only time, I beat him up and then suggested, with threats, that he not tell his sister. But since I had drawn blood from one of his eyes, I pulled away feeling guilty." - Yashmir H.

"Instead of doing the usual thing (shutting up), I respond: In these moments, not only do I not care about the other or what happens to them, but I also want to cause them as much damage as possible. My aggression is verbal: I say things to them that could hurt them, and my tone automatically becomes very harsh." - Manuela R.

It is the lack of awareness of one's own aggression, which is part of the unknown and undeveloped zone, that can cause harm to oneself and others. The basic inability to give love, first to oneself and then to others, is the point from which everything branches out: withdrawal; isolation; the inability to share, to say: "I am here, I exist"; lack of strength; disinterest, the murder of one's own humanity and that of others. But perhaps, buried deep within this ivory tower, there is only a profound desire to belong, to live.

"Empathy is something I haven’t developed. Although it’s not so visible, I feel like lukewarm water: neither cold nor hot. I go unnoticed. And I’m unable to share, to tell the world, at least once in my life: 'Here I am, this is me.' It’s not about looking for a space. There’s only a hidden desire to belong." - Lead O.

It is difficult for the Self-Preservation 5 to have empathy for the pain the other feels when they cannot belong to their world or be nurtured by their love. If they become aware, through self-knowledge work, of the harm they cause themselves by being harsh, irritated, and distrustful in love, then they will also become aware of the harm they cause the other by not allowing them into the space of their own life and intimacy.