Love

The subject—and, even more, the experience of love for a Self-Preservation 5—is one of the most distant and arduous things that life can present. Coming from a past where maternal love was absent, or was invasive and threatening, even violent, it makes the equation love = pain, and the person is convinced that it brings nothing good.

"If love is what my mother gave me, I don't want it." - Manuela R.

Along with this idea, two other beliefs grow within them: that they do not deserve to be loved and that, certainly, "there will never be anyone who loves me." Fantasy plays a key role here, precisely because it is very difficult for this character, and often impossible, to approach the other and have physical contact. It would be an invasion of the body, a place as intimate as it is strange and unknown, where it is hard to set boundaries, and it’s better to avoid it a priori in order to protect oneself.

"It’s hard for me to touch and be touched; I need a lot of intimacy and closeness to be able to do that. I’ve always been given to fantasy, to platonic love. It’s hard for me to surrender because I don’t know if I’ll be able to meet certain expectations, and I also don’t know if I want to meet them. I don’t promise anything to avoid disappointing. It’s better not to commit. This is my crazy idea." - Camila L.

Believing in love, having faith in it, is almost impossible for a Self-Preservation 5.

"There’s something impermanent about love. I spent a long time not believing in it, in its broadest sense, and it’s still difficult for me. It’s as if there’s a disappointment or a state of disgust in me. For me, it’s something distant, unattainable, forbidden." - Camila L.

This hypothetical love, if it ever arose, would assume an ideal value. Isolated from life experience and reality, it can only be represented, thought of, as pure love, immune to any humiliation or harm. This idealization obviously feeds back into the distrust of a real experience where one can be loved. According to the extreme sensitivity of the person who identifies with this character, "love cannot exist."

In Claudio Naranjo's trinitarian theory of the three psychic functions—father, mother, and child—associated with three different forms of love—admiration, compassion, and eroticism—this character, who identifies entirely with their intellect, adheres to the principles of the paternal subpersonality. The maternal part, related to caring for others, empathy, and compassion, is totally devalued and functionally exhausted due to the lack of interpersonal skills beyond the practical aspects of provision.

The Self-Preservation 5 often performs caregiving functions in the family but does not transmit warm affection or the pleasure of caregiving.

The daughter part, that of Eros and animal satisfaction, is silenced, in fact, in a deadly retention of the instinctual part. Eros is experienced within the defined structure of a sexual-romantic relationship, but it is rarely separated from the passion of the instinct.

In his Essays on the Psychology of Enneatypes, Naranjo associates the three types of love with the nine characters, and in reference to the Self-Preservation 5, he speaks of a hierarchy: First, in all E5s, the admiring love predominates. And within the admiring triad: E1, E6, and E5, the latter is the most erotic and the least compassionate. And among the subtypes of E5, the Self-Preservation subtype is the most characterized by maternal love; although it is difficult for people of this type to perceive this, as they feel petty when it comes to affection.

Admiring Love

Admiring love is, therefore, the terrain in which an E5 "moves best." Whether admiring nature, intelligence, the little things recognized as mysterious, music, art, science, or teachers.

We are always talking about a love that recognizes something beyond itself and considers it "beautiful." A form, if you prefer, of platonic love. A love from a distance, a devotion.

The E5 relies on this love, which allows the system to be nourished internally without losing too many resources. Admiring love is the safest because it protects the E5 from any possible contact with the real world, while—paradoxically and neurotically—knowledge becomes sustenance amidst desolation.

"Love for science, admiration for scientific discoveries, and the scientists who made them. Above all, because of this knowledge that meant a break from the prevailing thought." - Manuela R.

It is possible to have an admirable love for nature.

"I felt a lot of admiration for lost people, who feel comfortable surrounded by others, who are the life of the party. And for nature. It’s something very big that works on its own, it doesn’t need human intervention and will continue to be when we, humans, are no longer around." - Manuela R.

Wherever, throughout the personal history, a form of religiosity is found, it will take the form of admiring love.

"I didn’t like God very much because he was too demanding, but Jesus was on a level more suitable for me. I could admire omnipotence, wisdom, and miracles, but at the same time, it protected me from receiving so many demands in return." - Yashmir H.

As for erotic love, its experience is always one of great difficulty. The recognition and approach of this form of love are very gradual and slow, requiring a safe place and much intimacy. An intimacy that, for this character, is linked to the idea of danger, which is why their mind is always alert, avoiding total abandonment, and maintaining the safety zone.

"Eros? I don’t know if that was the word. Does it have to do with pleasure? That’s difficult too. I live a bit down; things seem normal or neutral. There’s not much enthusiasm, ecstasy." - Rita P.

Even in this field, there is still the impression of being a foreigner, unable to identify with anything:

"I don’t identify with the gender roles assigned or described. I’ve always had the fantasy of a world where these differences don’t exist." - Camila L.

Fives live the experience of a frozen body, immobile, unable to move, not even imagining itself in motion.

"Pleasure and instinct have been something repressed, something I didn’t even know existed until adulthood. I find it hard to relax and enjoy." - Manuela R.

On the other hand, understanding erotic love as the pleasure of a child, as play, it’s possible for them to find an access point and recover a deeply buried pleasure, perhaps forgotten.

As can be deduced from so many testimonials, the main door to real change for the E5 is the body.

The Body as a Channel for Erotic Love

The body, remaining partially accessible to experience, is the seat of erotic love and can act as a bridge for the reactivation of pleasure.

The body is present as a channel, providing access to sensory sources; it maintains an involuntary relationship between the person and their environment. The Self-Preservation of the body is aware of this relationship, which its mind registers as an invasion due to excessive stimulation, and reacts by tending to contain it.

Progressive familiarity with bodily signals supports the transformative work, and sensory information can be accepted as a sign of connection with one's own dimension of rest.

"Connecting with desire cost me a lot. It’s as if I didn’t have the right to desire." - Manuela R.

The starting point is recognizing the lack of the right to desire as a logical and inevitable consequence of the inability to feel the right to exist. Erotic love is essential for granting oneself that right to exist and reconnect with one’s own organismic energy.

"...The love of the Son, in the sense that I seek my pleasure more than the pleasure of others." - Yashmir H.

In the experience of sexuality, it is possible to find a certain pleasure in physical contact, skin-to-skin, in giving and receiving massages, and in touch itself. However, a hidden point remains: the deep encounter with the other; an encounter in which you can freely lose yourself, in a complete surrender to feeling, an authentic “touch.” It is about being present and surrendering to the encounter when it is impossible for Fives to fully embody it.

"I like the contact that sex implies, but my brain intervenes too much, and I’ve never been able to let go or surrender to orgasm. I consider myself frigid. For a long time, that didn’t bother me, but it’s starting to bother me." - Yashmir H.

For E5s, compassionate love—linked to maternal love—ceases to be mysterious and appears incomprehensible. In the specific case of the Self-Preservation subtype, since they have never experienced this love, it is impossible to learn it. They have no tools, no foundation. They have no tools, no point of support, or key to open that door.

The "danger" of relationships is also triggered here: The other asks me for something that I certainly don’t have, or, if I do have it, it’s so scarce that I cannot deprive myself of it without putting my survival at risk; therefore, I cannot give them anything, and that also makes me inadequate, so I remain motionless, and if I can’t really escape, I retreat inside myself, and what remains visible is total and real indifference, a desolate dryness.

"The love that costs me the most is, without a doubt, maternal love. I never knew what to do in front of someone to comfort them, or who needs my care. I simply don’t know how to

act in this area, in which I feel totally inadequate. I don’t know what I can offer someone if I don’t feel capable of having delicate and tender feelings and, instead, I feel cold and, in a way, indifferent to their suffering, if I can’t even connect with the person in front of me. I realize that the person in question expects something from me, and because I can’t give them what they want, I feel embarrassed and demanded, and I’m just trying to escape from something that really puts me in conflict." - Yashmir H.

The Problematic Knot of Contact and the Dichotomy of Withdrawal

Here we see the problematic knot of contact from which he feels he needs to escape. However, some people, especially women, experience a dichotomy between the family mandate and withdrawing from contact.

"In relation to this love, I moved between two contradictory forces: the introjection of care and caring for others and the isolation of contact. If there is a constant demand from the other side, I become overwhelmed and do not give. There’s something I don’t give to just anyone; I choose who to give it to." - Manuela R.

There are those who recognize the capacity to feel empathy for the suffering of others (which could lead to closeness or, at least, a warmer understanding of the other), but at the same time, they are unable to demonstrate this sensitivity and, even more so, to offer it.

"I feel a hypersensitivity that gives me empathy for the other who is suffering. However, I have difficulty showing and offering it; I think that could be invasive. I don’t show it by protecting myself, because there are situations that affect me too much, and then I withdraw again. Where I express it most openly is in nature. My aversion to the world most of the time makes me have more compassion for animals." - Camila L.

In the narrow and petty life of the Self-Preservation 5, the opening of the heart seems insurmountable. To access this dimension, it is necessary to recover bodily awareness, a certain carnality, and a movement that generates a warmth that awakens and nourishes the emotion, which in a virtuous circle, guides a loving and affectionate movement, possibly erotic, healthy, and wise. This circle could eventually lead to a differentiated quality of admiring love that, in this warmer form, becomes a nourishing gift for the other, in the surprising discovery that giving is precisely what can be received.

As a consequence of what has been written above, in Self-Preservation 5, the couple's relationship barely finds space. In the moment of their choice or in a possible encounter, they are blind to the real other. There may be a ghostly "you," but there is no attention to the other in their reality. The Self-Preservation of the Fives does not look at the other. Often, they don't realize that they are an object of someone’s interest, nor are they capable

of expressing interest in someone they will never discover, because what this character does is escape.

"I went on a trip abroad and took language lessons for a month. When I returned to my city, I found a message from a guy among the notebooks who invited me to go to the park. While I was there, I had never seen the note. I was intrigued." - Yashmir H.