Love

Claudio Naranjo uses a metaphor to describe love: it is like white light that, when passing through a prism, divides into three rays. It consists of three dimensions, and the harmony between them creates an experience of full love: erotic love (eros), compassionate love (caritas or agape), and admiring love (philia).

Throughout an individual's life, these three dimensions do not develop in a balanced way: one tends to be more accessible, while another remains underdeveloped, as if the person were walking through life with a shorter leg.

This theory links the development of love with character. For each subtype, a specific hierarchy of these three loves can be identified, reflecting the more or less integrated parts. It is important to recognize which love is underdeveloped, as well as the mechanisms of the “commodification” of love: the type of love we sell and the type we like to buy.

We suffer from the lack of love and continue to suffer due to attachment to the affective deficiencies of childhood. We seek what we did not receive, feeding an immense hunger for love, and we long to return to our childhood with the illusion of changing the conditional love we received in order to feel loved unconditionally.

How does the counterphobic E6 behave with respect to these three dimensions of love and their commodification?

To define Eros, or erotic love, we propose some words from Claudio Naranjo:

We can speak broadly of eros as a love jouissance: a love that enjoys the other, that takes pleasure in the beauty of the other. This extends beyond a strictly sexual definition. It would include what Buddhism calls mudita, rejoicing in the joy of others. We can recognize in self-love – which is inevitably a love for our "inner child" – the interest in the happiness of our being instinctive, governed by the "placers principle," that is, eros.

Many counterphobic E6s identify the least developed dimension as erotic love, the one with which they struggle the most.

Like all the E6 subtypes, the sexual subtype is also erotically and sexually inhibited. Since their sexual instinct is more energized than in the other two subtypes, their search for union with another reveals their most "tormented" ambivalence: on one hand, there is an impulse toward sexual exploration, while on the other, they withdraw, hide, deny pleasure, and repress their instincts.

They feel attracted to the beauty of sexuality represented by bodies or by aesthetic pleasure, but that beauty is always projected onto others; everything beautiful is placed on someone to adore or desire, but touching it seems almost impossible.

Admiring the beauty, and when they obtain it—by uniting, for example, with someone they consider beautiful—it is as if they, too, could feel a little beautiful or less unworthy through transmigration.

For the E6 in general, the identification between the beautiful and the good is common. It is easier to understand them by listening to some of their typical ideas: "I am bad, therefore I am ugly," "if someone likes me, I am good."

When the Sexual 6 realizes that they are the object of someone’s desire, they feel pleased. When they are sexual, they feel recognized, as if, at that moment, they could forget the deep belief that they are unworthy, and the intensity of self-rejection diminishes.

Obviously, this is short-lived, like any dependency’s effect. They are a phallic character, and as such, their anxiety calms down when they carry out the sexual act—something quite distant from an experience of real plenitude or fusion. Their orgasm is a release, not an ecstatic surrender. The motivation behind the sexual act is not pleasure, but the confirmation of their existence, which, in some cases, is charged with the need to prevail or dominate through sex.

Sex is separated from love and tenderness. Many counterphobic E6s report not caring about preliminaries and effusions, that sweet space that preludes penetration.

Paradoxically, they seek sexual intimacy as though the intensity of these encounters were sufficient to satisfy their need for human contact. In a kind of double life, despite their discreet, shy, almost straight, and normative behavior, they have been collectors, seeking to feel something deeper, impulsively whenever an opportunity arose, without ever truly feeling it. (R.)

It has been difficult for me to understand a phrase from a man I lived with, finally! A passionate story of love and sex: "You have a masculine sexuality." I felt offended inside. Later, I understood that I had refused to quickly seek penetration. (G.)

If I feel that you can abandon me, I will abandon you; I will walk away from you before you turn your back on me; without leaving, I’m not there either. I can't stand someone asking me for love or shows of affection. Tell me you love me! My mother always told me: "Do you love me?" and my answer was always the same: silence. (J.)

Fear is accompanied by the shame of one's desire. The Sexual 6 cannot bear the thought of the other seeing their desire, because they fear ridicule. More than the fear of being

rejected, it’s the fear of humiliation (as if the other could say: “Who do you think you are? How could you think I could like a person like you?”).

They want to give the image of a person who does not care about love or sex, who does not ask for alms. They themselves denigrate the person they love.

How the hell am I going to accept loving the other if I don't accept myself, if I don't love myself? Of course, the loving state is perverted with intensity; the soft force is mistaken for a strong embrace; sweet words for vehemence; fragility for shamelessness, oh, how shy I am! And tenderness, with the corresponding sarcastic wave. (L.)

Thus, even situations that could be sexually pleasurable are avoided, out of shame or pride.

Sexuality is experienced as a danger of fragmentation. Pleasure and madness go hand in hand, and the counterphobic E6 is afraid of “losing their mind”—an expression that applies to both madness and falling in love. Throughout their life, they have controlled emotions and passions, linking them to going mad, seeking containment through rigidity and force of thought.

They not only avoid erotic pleasure, but any form of enjoyment: lying on the sand doing nothing, getting lost in a tribal dance, rolling in the mud... Expressions of enjoyment they have not experienced freely, always accompanied by anxiety due to the fear of punishment.

When they begin a process of self-knowledge, the Sexual 6 realizes how they have used eroticism to receive things: admiration or maternal love. "If you make love to me, it means you appreciate me.""If you make love to me, it means you love me."

Sometimes, we have verified that the demand for love differs according to the instinct in second place: the sexual/self-preservation subtype offers sex to receive love, while the sexual/social subtype demands admiration. In either case, sexual contact can establish a bit of the skin contact that was so lacking during childhood.

For many Sexual 6s, it has been important to recover the relationship of female solidarity, the union with women, and, consequently, the recognition of their own femininity, in order to access a more intense and free sexual pleasure with men. For men, it is more about not identifying with the aggressive force to recognize their masculinity and surrendering to pleasure without using sex as a release from anxiety or a demonstration of power.

Admiring love is connected to the ability to recognize the existence of something greater, the mystery, the divine. On an interpersonal level, it involves recognizing the value that each human being has within themselves. It is the love that implies "disinterested" friendship.

For the Sexual 6, philia or admiring love, which by analogy is the love a child feels toward the father, is the first and easiest to feel. It is the love they seek to compensate for the absence of a father. So, love adoration can take the form of fanaticism, as well as love for the ideal, the beautiful, the great, the good, the heroic, ideas, and ideals. Philia is always in the spotlight; it is the most longed-for love, the one fought for the most, since it means surrendering to human authority, surrendering to the father.

Having faith means recognizing that there is a truth that is not built on ideals and beliefs, a truth that cannot be verified with rational logic and facts. For the Sexual 6, it is very difficult to indulge in something that is not tangible or explicable on a cognitive level. At the same time, they have separated from the depths of themselves, from their essence. They lack faith in their organismic nature because they do not have faith in themselves, and they do not believe in the pure and good core that is found in the depth of each human being. They feel deeply bad and unworthy, though they disguise this experience with the conviction of being on the side of the just and those who are right.

The Sexual 6 is usually a staunch opponent of religions, considering them deceptive, the "opium of the people." It is difficult for them to enter a spiritual dimension, not only because of the cynicism and pragmatism that characterize them, but also due to a lack of recognition of themselves as a divine being. They substitute the lost faith with idealism, fighting for rights, justice, or opposing any form of tyranny.

To regain deep, admiring love, the Sexual 6 must learn to lose control and develop the ability to see the invisible. They must learn that the dark is not filled with menacing monsters, but rather an absence of light. They must learn to believe in light—the luminosity inherent in things—and experience and have faith that humans, including themselves, are fragments of light. True strength is its essence, and this essence is kind. Agape, the maternal love for the small, is connected to helping others. Claudio Naranjo explains that in its origins, love-kindness is intimately linked to maternal love, being a natural extension of what the mother feels for her young (and I use the term "children" to refer not only to human children but to all mammals).

Agape is emotional contact with another in the sense of compassionate benevolence that does not wish for suffering. If the mother is the one who gives us what we need and satisfies our desires, the contact with this compassionate attitude—where generosity and empathy come into play—means not only giving (something relatively easy for a Sexual 6 when they find someone more needy than themselves) but also receiving.

Although they are protective, Sexual 6s lack the natural warmth of mothers who know how to welcome their child with their discomforts and sorrows. They did not experience such a mother and do not know the "healing" power of love. They did not experience the power of placing their fear in the mother's hands, and therefore, they do not believe that a simple

loving relationship can heal so many wounds. They have hardened and developed a "masculine" protection, which knows how to solve problems and act but not truly be in the relationship, savoring the protection and recognition that comes from love.

They deny themselves the need to be welcomed. They have forgotten the fullness that comes with looking into each other’s eyes and surrendering. This is the key difference with the self-preservation subtype, which tries to calm anxiety with physical contact. Instead, the Sexual 6 Enneagram type confuses love with sex or parental protection.

During the self-knowledge process and the specific work on the three types of love proposed by Claudio Naranjo, many Sexual 6s realize that it is essential for them to develop compassionate and charitable love. This not only gives rise to the capacity to love and see others but also opens the door to erotic love. It is as if they can only indulge in enjoyment by recognizing and satisfying the need for a mother’s embrace.

To develop compassionate love, they must first understand the "bad" other who has rejected them and understand their inner monster. Seeing the enemy as a suffering creature, they recognize their inner child as a tender creature. In addition to fighting for this child, they will begin to embrace them from the premise of compassion and forgiveness. It is the mother who allows the child to enjoy themselves and their own instincts. The development of maternal love leads to giving the instinctive child permission to exist, giving them confidence in their instincts (wisdom, beauty, and goodness).

Like a seed that, from the darkness of the earth, seeks to emerge into the open world of light, nurturing, respectful, trusting, generous, willing love feeds a desire for life through the push of a gentle, sweet, loving force that continuously emanates from the self, in the enjoyment of being conscious of the continuum of their development.

The Couple

The couple is the "secret" search for the Sexual 6. They idealize and desire the other, but, without fully realizing it, they escape. They fall in love easily because falling in love gives them energy, vitality, and strength, but they sense the danger: dependency and fusion. As a child, merging meant dependence on the aggressor, and any relationship can resurrect this fear.

With "an ace up my sleeve," just in case they have to stay, they tell themselves: "It's not going to be that way—if I show my cards, my true cards, they win the game (humiliate me)." By covering up again and denying their true strength, they add more cement to the dam, making it clear that they are not giving up, not abandoning the ship.

"I was always in love. Since I can remember, there was always a girl, a teenager, a woman. Platonic loves, from a distance; they didn’t know anything, or at least I didn’t express my feelings. I didn’t share them with friends, cousins, or brothers either. My loves, my crushes, were secrets I guarded carefully. I feel great shame in front of the loved one and also fear that others will know what I want. Being rejected is a terrible failure that I can hardly get over."

Counterphobic Women

Counterphobic women know very well how, although externally they are arrogant and aggressive, in a relationship they become protectors of the other, masculine mothers who are very comfortable next to fragile men. They project their need to be protected and exercise their own strength and superiority onto these men.

Many report submitting to the needs of others, lacking the courage to assert their own autonomy. This ambivalence also manifests in sexual relations, where submission can appear. It’s as if, at the moment they establish an intimate relationship, an attitude similar to that of a Three character is revealed: conforming. Since autonomy is their ideal of strength, this creates a strong internal conflict and also leaves the space for the choice to stay alone. An E6 prefers, in a relationship, to take a step back rather than develop seductive skills or attract attention.

More Characteristics

The tendency to become "friends" with people they desire sexually is widespread. They seek intellectual agreement and shared ideals; they are excellent companions in social or political struggle. Love is lost in the pursuit of Platonic ideals, greatness where, far from being able to feel, the experience is rationalized, and people talk about love but do not feel it. Surely, feeling can hurt, and that is not desired. After all, the intimate relationship puts your cognitive strength at stake and allows the intensity of love and sexual passions to die.

Love has been more than anything a projection of the mind. The moment I feel attracted to a woman, who obviously must possess the canons of "beauty" that conform to what I desire, the "rejection" phase immediately arises. A rejection is understood as my inability to like her, which leads me to not feel free to let things happen and take their course.

It's a kind of castration that activates my persecutory part to avoid potential rejection. "You know you're worthless, so what do you expect from her?" Everything is heading down a strange path. A process of platonic falling in love is unleashed, in which, in order not to lose

the closeness of the desired person, the attitudes of the “conquest” style are transformed into those of “I am a good person, and I offer you my friendship.” But then I suffer as a result of this situation because

It's not what I want. I substantially let the other person take the initiative. (C)

The couple, in the end, is an effort, a struggle. On one hand, there is the need to let go of the drives and what is moved by the neurotic need for union with the other as a way to fill his existential void (believing it to be his happiness: having a sexual subtype). On the other hand, the need to be free is strong: free from the pursuer, free from the threat. It is as if counterphobia allowed him to silence his sexual instinct, making it easier for him to choose solitude as a place where he could "rest."

Liberation can only come when he realizes that relationships are a creation, a work of art of which he is the author, or rather, the co-author. When he allows himself to live in the deep here and now, which is consciousness, and can trust that everything comes from deep nature, and that to love is to flow and dance with the other. When he realizes that true courage is in loving, and happiness is in feeling that he knows how to love. And knowing how to love almost always involves knowing how to suffer for love.