Childhood

Even if they do not remember it or are not aware of it, the Sexual 7 is a person who suffered in childhood, and to such an extent that they learned to panic about pain and not want to feel it again. He neither wants nor, on many occasions, can touch suffering. The logical no que fer to suffer or to suffer in the case of the Sexual 7 has developed to the extreme that the threshold of pain has been so low that it stops fulfilling its function; because for an adequate adaptation to the environment it is necessary to experience a certain degree of suffering and learn to deal with it.

The Sexual 7 tries to build a bubble of illusion that defends him from suffering, and becomes so strict in that defense that it ends up turning against him and he has to

withdraw from the real world in order to survive the slightest emotional ups and downs, since the slightest inconvenience becomes unbearable. Such an attitude is based on a childhood of emotional withdrawal that ends up being channeled into the world of fantasy and the substitution of reality for plans and projects that are often abandoned without fulfillment. Schizoid behavior is gradually replaced by a new way out into the world that is, at the same time, an escape from oneself.

That is why the Sexual 7 becomes the caricature of Peter Pan. A shallow boy who never grew up, who was tied to his fantasy world and is unable to take responsibility for his actions or provide emotional support. Something that translates into a disengaged and overwrought adult, who lacks grounding, a firm sense of reality that has been displaced by fantasy and suggestion, in order to smooth out the rough edges of life. Already as a child, then, the Sexual 7 learns to drug himself emotionally. There are three key elements of the context in which this character is built:

Lack of limits. The Sexual 7 is not hardened in coping with frustration, he is not tough enough to deal with daily difficulties and inconveniences. Since childhood, he has been spared the obligation to produce this hardening, since no one has put limits on him or, if there have been, in the family itself he has received the teaching of how they can be avoided. Little trained in resistance to frustration, the child gets what he wants, in any way: the end justifies the means. The lack of frustration has prevented him from growing stronger, resulting in a capricious and spoiled child. This lack of limits can respond to one of these two factors:

a) Aversive, harsh and difficult environment in which he has suffered a great lack of attention, support and recognition. In this context of lack, painful, wild, the child experiences it like a jungle where everyone has to find life as best they can. There are no clear rules, no limits, and it would seem that the only law that prevails is that of the jungle: survival!, and that everyone manages as best they can.

“Don Ernesto is a grumpy and lanky bastard. It is Don Camilo, his father, the director, who manages to hit me with a brutal slap in the face in front of my mother without her complaining. Day in, day out, it rains, slaps and blows to the head, the rule on the hands and nails, arms crossed, humiliation, studying as something terrifying. The fear in the flesh.”

“Once, when I was about four or five years old, my parents bought some very nice desks for my two older brothers and one for my sister. They didn't buy me one with the justification that it was small and I didn't need it yet. As a consolation, my older brother left me a small drawer in his desk to put my things. One day we had a big fight and he, obviously stronger than me, kicked me out of his desk by force, pulling out the drawer and dumping all my

things on the floor. I felt humiliated and it was the first time I remember touching vulnerability and helplessness more directly. From that helplessness and with my ears down, I put my things in a corner on the floor under the window. He was afraid because, even without having a place of his own, he also had nowhere to go. I think it was there that I understood that in direct confrontation I had everything to lose, the fight had to be more strategic, based on skill and cunning rather than force, it was a kind of permanent guerrilla warfare. I remember repeating that saying "better morning than strength."

b) An environment of laxity in which he is mother's favourite, a sensible, pampered, capricious child who often gets what he wants without being hindered. Parents are perceived by the Sexual 7 child as ambivalent figures without a clear definition of authority. The mother is usually closer in terms of the basic tasks of food, health and care, while the father is usually an absent or discredited figure in the family environment, sometimes even by the mother herself. A seductive mother who presents the father as an ogre. This relationship between the parents may be colored by a certain competition between them, which is manifested in education, in the rules that are set at home. Faced with this inconsistency in the criteria to be followed in a normatively ambiguous environment, the child becomes a skilful opportunist capable of taking advantage of the option that suits him best at any given time, and he develops the ability to get away from what does not interest him.

“I was born the seventh of a family of seven and that led me to become the king of the house, being extremely pampered not only by my mother but by the rest and by the entire neighborhood. This gave rise to believing that I was the center of the universe and that everything in it belonged to me. To make matters worse, I was educated without limits and over-protected by my mother, and with an absence, although not physical, of my father in that regard. I soon realized that with a little crying I could get what I wanted, and I did. than to education.”

Symbolically, it is a happy but effectively poorly nutritious breastfeeding; hence his confident and optimistic but disconnected and superficial personality.

Identification and fusion with the mother. Generally, the Sexual 7 has remained attached to the mother, who tends to adopt a permissive role, while at the same time taking pains to make the child feel special and to make him feel excessively pampered and capricious.

“My mother was my world, I merged with her. I did not differentiate between "I and the world" as an external instance that demanded action from me. I got everything from the world (that is, from my mother) without acting, with a simple gesture. My mother took care of me for too long. At the stage where the baby becomes a child (eighteen months to three

years) and experiences the impulse to differentiate himself from the mother, to know the world, to assert his own will and autonomy, I experienced it very badly. My mother and her caretakers were very present and I was held back in my discovery of the world. I relate an image that can be significant: I can now walk and I see things around me that attract me. I walk determined to look for a ball... I feel a very strong inner impulse, I want to take the ball and show it to my mother... I start to walk excitedly... Suddenly, I feel my mother's arms that grab me by the armpits and they stop me sweetly. My mother takes the ball and gives it to me herself.”

Another possibility is that the mother is ambiguous. On the one hand, they can be very affectionate and, on the other, they cut off contact and leave without a reason clearly identified by the child.

“She was the authority within the house, she represented both the norm and limits to be followed as well as the warm and loving focus. It was the reference on a day-to-day basis, given that depending on the mood of the day, one had to regulate one's behavior. I had the sensation of a certain state of alert in front of her, since she could be both warm, affectionate and permissive as well as hard, dry and extremely hurtful.”

This double attitude, flattering at times and frustrating at others, has special influence in the sexual sphere. It is as if the mother issued a double message regarding sexuality, without there being a clear guideline in this regard. On the one hand, she can be permissive and even flattering that her son seduces, attracts and even is daring in sexuality. She encourages the child to take sexual risks, is reinforced with specific comments and sometimes even conveys the feeling that she herself may unconsciously put herself as an object of distrust in front of her own child. Let us remember that the E7 trait in general, but especially the Sexual subtype, is one of those that went the furthest in Oedipus, the one that ended up closest to the mother, in many ways. Obviously, this closeness is the result of seduction and permission from the mother as well as the absence of a father who sets limits. But on the other hand, those same more eroticized behaviors of the child can be penalized with repressive comments and rejection behaviors that can even lead to humiliation.

“My mother had an ambiguous behavior regarding the approaches that I could have with her. Sometimes she was cuddly, she hugged me tight, she gave me very effusive kisses and she even bit me with great passion on various parts of my body. We tickled each other and I loved it. I even remember that sometimes she would let me touch her breasts while she smiled. Once I started the tickling game and when I touched her chest she got very angry and physically rejected me. He told me it was dirty and filthy. I felt very humiliated and I didn't understand why sometimes yes and sometimes no.”

Absence of reference father figure. There is no clear father figure who sets limits for the child. Deep down it is as if he had been abandoned by his father and the only way out is to throw himself into the arms of his mother. With some frequency, the father is of a mental nature: E7, E5 or E6, from which a certain unconscious identification with him could be deduced. In other cases, this character constitutes a reaction against an authoritarian father (for example, an E1), against whom it seems better to practice a soft rebellion.

The image of a hesitant father will generate insecurity and suspicion in the face of any future hierarchical system, at the same time that it will favor a chronic rebellion in the face of any regulation that begins against the father, often supported by the mother. It is the lack of trust in the paternal authority that turns him into an indomitable, rebellious character, with the courage to approach authority as an equal and even with insolence. The inconsistency of the authority and the fear and distrust that they cause feed their paranoia, in an attempt to anticipate and prevent what may happen. The constant anticipation, unlike what happens to the fearful E6, has in this case a tint of escape towards the illusive fantasy and, ultimately, to an imaginary world in which fear does not exist and there is only happiness.

“Until adolescence, I have no stronger memories of my father. Precisely at that time, when I needed him most, I discovered that behind the image of a good impression he gave, there was a great deal of suggestion and falsehood. On several occasions, lost in my personal and professional path, he encouraged me with professional plans and projects. However, when it came to action, he would retreat and wasn’t there.

Under his suggestion, I planned to set up several businesses (a gym, a nursery, and a pub), but it always ended with his reproach that I hadn’t put in more effort and wasn’t responsible. The truth, however, was that I didn’t know what to do.”

With some frequency, that fearful and ambiguous father figure is replaced by another second-level male figure: a grandfather, or someone else, who becomes the reference. Deep down, the boy needs to find a male figure who, on the one hand, provides the confidence, recognition, and support that he needs from an adult man, and on the other hand, saves him from his mother. This character has been defined in character analysis as passive-feminine, in the sense that the man identifies more with the values of the mother, while in the E7 woman, there is an identification with a seductive man who often takes the place of the father. This substitute male referent is the one who provides the boy with the confidence and acceptance he did not get from his father.

“I often went to my Uncle Enrique's house, a very open person with whom I felt recognized. He gave me space and spent a lot of time with me. He was also somewhat of a rebel, in the sense that they allowed it. He gave me permission to do things my parents didn’t.”

“Money was scarce, and mom had to work (she taught dressmaking), while dad was rarely home for the same reason. So, for the first five years of my life, I was mostly looked after by my grandfather. He taught me to draw, took me for walks, and played with me. He was the classic grandfather, with big hands, immense permission, sweetness, and patience. My love for him was the love of a small child. He belonged to me; he was mine.”

The Sexual 7 was a child who, from a very young age, already stood out among those his age for being more alert, quick, and intelligent. He understood right away, almost effortlessly reaching the demands of his environment. He stood out for his cunning—or his ability to cheat, manipulate, and lie when necessary. However, he was also often hypersensitive, fragile, sickly, attached to maternal care, and phobic to the aggressiveness of the outside world.

“I was very funny, ironic, told jokes, and made people laugh. Once, when I was eleven years old, I imitated a number by Pepe Viyuela, who was doing a clown show on television, where he tried to open a folding wooden chair and sit on it. That’s when my fame as a clown and buffoon began. I did it so well that people accepted it, asking me to do it over and over again. They finally wanted me, so I exploited it to the fullest. My self-confidence, my creativity, and the spark allowed me to be accepted. It saved my life in school. I cheated, lied, cajoled, flattered, seduced, ironized; I was the favorite friend of the mothers and fathers of my friends. People no longer saw just the failure behind huge glasses. That’s how I created the character.”

He knew how to win over adults with sympathy, grace, and flattery, in a strategy promoted by the mother (and sometimes by the father), who laughed with the child, transferred admiration to him, and reinforced the exploitation of his talents.

“The teachers told my father, when they made him go to school because I was misbehaving, that I was a smart kid. I must have been, since I heard a song twice and already knew it by heart. I quickly discovered that being funny and likeable attracted the attention of others. So, it didn’t take long for me to become the character who attracted attention, and this made others count on me.”

He was also a restless, curious, nervous child. It was easy for him to play alone, creating his own world of illusion. He engaged in imagination games, creating stories of fantastic piggy banks with a doll.

“I could spend hours and hours setting up imaginary scenarios with little plastic soldiers or Playmobil dolls. It irritated me when my older sister’s hands dislodged them, making me furious, sometimes threatening to chase her away. The feeling was like an oasis in the desert.”

It’s as though this ability to play and be alone was lost as he grew older. Loneliness, which was not painful at first, began to seem so over time, and more and more difficulties arose to be alone. It’s common for adolescents to turn outward, toward people, moving away from the inner world.

As he grew and the external world demanded more and more, his character solidified. He focused on cunning to achieve goals with as little effort as possible—or fell into the trap.

“To compensate for the low self-concept I experienced at school, I used magic and gossip. I lied about my achievements and feats—making up all sorts of qualities and experiences: ones I had lived, seen in others, read, or imagined. I got hooked on these lies because they had the desired effect: they gave me the attention I needed and didn’t just see me as a child glued to limiting glasses. I invented a parallel reality where there was no pain, only success and glory. The impulsiveness of lying was such that I didn’t have time to process all the creativity. And of course, I was caught quickly. Then I was overwhelmed with such shame that my body, and especially my face, burned.”

It’s not uncommon for a willful mental decision to change one’s way of being to emerge during adolescence. As if, at a given moment, the Sexual 7 child realizes that his way of being in the world is painful or unsatisfactory. As an adaptive strategy and cognitive decision, he begins to strive to change. This transformation enhances cognitive skills, such as telling stories, humor, falsehoods, and imagination.

“I decided to be different and model my character to win friends. I no longer wanted to be the outcast. I decided not to go back to being a loser. I decided, without knowing it, to be an E7 and win over everyone. When I arrived at La Salle school, the course had already started, and I didn’t know anyone. The children spoke strangely (Mallorquin); I was a foreigner. So, I became the class clown, the smart-aleck. I painted the blackboard decorations and the virgins in May.

When that stopped being enough, I became a scoundrel. In recent years, I got ahead by falsifying grades, deceiving my father, the friars, and the whole world. I only thought about how to cheat and be funny.

At this point, my sense of being myself, my identity, became completely malleable. I became adaptive to circumstances, a chameleon. I adopted identification as one of my favorite mechanisms. Depending on who I was with, I could modify myself, mimicking the

qualities of the character that I knew they liked. I designed the character and acted it out. I think I identify myself precisely through disidentification. I am what I want to be according to the circumstances. I internalized the paternal introject: “Either you adapt or perish,” and the maternal one: “Wherever you go, do what you see.”

“Little by little, I stopped lying, thanks to feedback from my closest friends and family, who no longer wanted me to tell them all those lies. I no longer had to invent anything; they loved me as I was. That embarrassed me, and I began practicing with great effort another way of relating. The truth is, it was hard for me because my life seemed bland to me, so I didn’t lie but did things that I thought would earn me respect among my peers and relatives.”

But what is the wound that causes this character? He is confident and fearful, although he appears to be quite the opposite. On one side, this feeling of an aversive, threatening, and frustrating environment occurs not only in the family but also at school or with friends. This reinforces the acrobat who dedicates himself to calming down in aggressive environments. The Sexual 7 becomes a born survivor, developing strategies that allow him to survive at any cost in a dangerous context.

“The insults that my classmates hurled at me for wearing glasses were painful, lowering my self-esteem and making me feel worthless, as if my whole being were just hateful glasses, and that occupied everything. The contempt they showed me, as well as the injustice I felt when someone broke or damaged my glasses, generated an immense rage in me. Since I couldn’t express it by physically defending myself against the aggression, it turned into fire in my body. I could feel the heat rising and burning my face. Then I would explode with rage, like a volcano, insulting and throwing gestures left and right, which only caused more laughter among my classmates, who observed the disproportionate scene.”

The emotional ambiguity of the family environment causes the Sexual 7 child not only an affective lack but also insecurity and chronic internal devaluation, based on the belief of not being valid or worthy of being loved. The Sexual 7's self-esteem has been damaged since childhood.

As this child grows, they will try to alleviate this low self-esteem by seeking validation through seduction, finding security in cunning and intelligence, which will create an internal schism between feeling and thinking. This lack of love, which makes them feel and believe that they are not "lovable," translates into a deep mistrust of affective ties. They live in a permanent state of escape from emotional commitment, unable to trust anyone, and fearing that even their partner will eventually hurt them.

"My difficulty in assuming a committed relationship can be explained by the noticeable improvement in my sexual experiences with women with whom I did not have a committed relationship."

Paradoxically, what is shown is the opposite: since childhood, the individual has become accustomed to projecting the image of being a happy person. They become a clown, reinforced by the environment. It is hard to see a E7 sad, not because they are never sad, but because when they experience unpleasant emotions, they withdraw from the world and become schizoid. Both the Sexual 7 and the Self-Preservation 7 are manic-depressive characters.

"When my grandfather died, I was stunned by mom's pain, and I don't know about mine. My pain is that of a small child, deaf and strange. I know physically. This will be the dominant trend in my life. Of all negative emotions, I learn by deduction; they are invariably summed up in a dull and strange anger with which I isolate myself and that, sooner or later, I somatize. Shortly after grandpa died, when my brother was born, I fell (running down a road) and broke my mouth and nose."

The mother's selfishness manifests in various ways. Some were abandoned, others had to care for their mother's serious nervous problems (depression, psychosis, etc.) without protection from their father, who left them at the mercy of her moods. Some were overprotected and became the object of their mother's love and redemption from her frustrations.

The Sexual 7 child also does not dare to directly confront the authority of the mother, because they fear her or do not feel strong and confident enough. This submission generates a fury that is swallowed and played covertly. Eventually, they become aware that, adaptively, it is more profitable and comfortable to enchant the mother (and the authority), even at the cost of falsehood, and then do what they want.

The Sexual 7 learns that ties can be manipulated depending on what they need at any given moment. This movement of seduction and attraction, followed by abandonment and withdrawal, is what they will repeat as an adult in their relationships. It is an unconscious revenge against the mother, repeating the same treatment they received from her—ambivalence of "now I take you, and when I have you and you open to me, I leave you."

"I have always sought the stereotype of Nancy, and that has led me to miss many encounters with wonderful girls because I always saw something in them that I did not like. I think deep down it was fear of commitment, of losing my freedom, or some problem related to my mother, to whom I was closely linked until her death."