Childhood

What stands out most about the Social 9 is that they were children who did not feel seen as such and suddenly had to become adults.

The typical situation for children of this subtype is that they arrived at an inopportune time. In some cases, the mother was already overwhelmed with caring for the children she had and lacked the resources to be available for another. In other cases, parental care was abandoned because more children arrived soon after, often in rapid succession. Regardless of whether they were part of a large family or not, many children of this subtype were born during times of crisis or emotional distance between their parents.

Most of the fathers were absent, both in their relationship with the mother and with their children. Their lack of emotional commitment and real support affected the mother's mood and availability, with obvious negative consequences for the child, who perceived her anguish and absence.

Both these family situations and the probable affective limitations of the mother contributed to these children lacking the attention and affection they needed. They received the message, explicitly or implicitly, that they were a burden. Most of them experienced a clear sense of not having a place in the family or of being overlooked. They did not feel noticed or felt the need to become invisible to avoid causing problems. The affectionate gaze of at least one parent was absent.

"I was not wanted. I think if my mother had had an abortion, she would have been happy. I was number twelve of the children, although five died." (Anonymous)

"My childhood is marked by the feeling of not being seen or considered. I felt that my presence would cause problems in my family, which I didn’t want at all, so I decided to disappear and numb myself—and them." (Pedro)

"I always felt like a second-class citizen. I didn’t have the same rights as my parents or my brother. It was as if there was no space for me. Most of my energy was spent suppressing any part of myself that I sensed would be unpleasant for them. There was no other choice but to cease to exist. I took it for granted that I was not worthy of being loved." (Susan)

Often, there is no awareness of childhood deprivation until an awakening occurs through therapy. It is common for individuals of this nature to erase painful experiences from memory or to simply not perceive them as painful. Social 9s tend to lean toward an optimistic outlook on life.

"We rented a country house. I really liked going there on weekends, riding my bike with my two friends. A healthy, hippie life, always surrounded by nature—I loved it. [...] In my childhood, I never felt that I lacked anything. Later, I realized that my life had passed without me truly being present in it." (Ariadna)

"There was no mistreatment. They just didn’t see me. I could walk in and out of the kitchen without anyone knowing I was there or gone." (Anonymous)

"I have no early memories of conflict in the family. My parents didn’t argue in front of us, but they also didn’t show affection. No hugs, no discussions about emotions. Just a neutral experience—no warmth, but no overt hostility either. The shock came when I was thirteen. My father had a nervous breakdown from which he never recovered. With financial stress and frustration over his inability to support the family, my mother started drinking." (Joyce)

"When I started therapy, I used to proudly say, 'My parents never hit me.' I didn’t understand why my therapist questioned me about it. To me, it was very simple—bad parents hit, good parents don’t, therefore my parents were good. But when I began to recognize the abuse I had suffered, I saw that my belief was an absurd self-deception. I suppose I needed to protect them somehow. Back then, I had no resources to confront the pain of my childhood." (Susan)

Social 9s adapted to their family environment, even in cases where their biographies include kinder memories. They had no choice but to manage the situation they were given by trying to be exceptionally good and accommodating. They responded to parental expectations by not getting in the way, avoiding problems, and staying out of the spotlight.

"I had a reputation for being a good girl, for doing well in school, and for not causing trouble." (Ariadna)

"My role was to avoid being a burden, to be invisible, to be good, to behave well, to never speak out or contradict anyone, and, on occasion, to entertain my family. I sang and danced, trying to bring them together—even if it didn’t help me at all." (Raquel)

People of this subtype often stopped being children before their time and unconsciously devoted themselves to their family’s well-being. Many assumed responsibilities that were not theirs. It was common for them to care for younger siblings, handle household chores, or even work outside the home from an early age. In many families, the expectations shifted toward excelling in school or meeting excessive behavioral demands.

"I was my mother's little helper. Her hardworking spirit dominated our home. We all had to contribute to the chores. It was also my responsibility to take care of my younger siblings." (Joyce)

"At eleven, I started babysitting; by thirteen, I was cleaning houses too." (Susan)

Although some experienced an emotionally detached family life where “everything seemed fine,” the majority of children of this subtype lived in households filled with tension, often due to conflict between their parents. They tried to manage these tensions, ensuring they did not contribute to further problems and sometimes even mediating family disputes.

"At eleven, I felt like I had to take care of my mother. My father was violent and possessive, and she suffered a lot. She always spoke badly about him to me. I had to listen to her complaints and even take responsibility for their relationship, going to the bar to fetch him." (Mayka)

Mothers were often described as controlling, critical, invasive, emotionally distant, or demanding. This suggests that the deprivation experienced by this subtype may have been shaped by a lack of maternal affection or by poorly expressed love.

"My mother was cruel. If I got sick, she didn’t treat me kindly but rather coldly. No asking how I was, no kisses. Just strict rules: ‘You don’t talk back to adults,’ ‘Don’t look so shamelessly’... I received many criticisms." (Mayka)

"My mother never touched me. She functionally took care of me, but I could feel her repressed anger about having to do so. I felt unsafe simply for existing. She called me ‘lazy,’ ‘selfish,’ and ‘irresponsible.’ I was forbidden from crying, asking for things, touching, or even looking at her. Any natural gesture on my part could result in punishment." (Anonymous)

Absent fathers were common, and when present, they were often severe or emotionally detached. In some cases, the father took on the role of a charming but conflict-avoidant figure.

"My father was impatient, prone to outbursts that terrified us. He often threatened to take off his belt, and sometimes he did. When he was home, we tried to behave perfectly. He worked and traveled a lot, and even when he was present, he occupied a space in the house where we children had limited access." (Miriam)

Children of this subtype quickly learned to seek attention outside the home—at school, in different social groups, or at the homes of friends, neighbors, and relatives.

“I lived with a constant feeling of not being seen or valued in my family, but I felt that way in my group.” (Pedro)

For almost everyone, school was an important place and, at times, where they experienced the least tension. They were usually diligent students, even when they struggled to learn. However, the classroom was not free from feelings of exclusion and conflicts over belonging.

In response, they developed strategies to navigate these situations—mainly by adapting and seeking to please others. Many recall going through primary school by staying in the background, avoiding attention, and presenting themselves as obedient and shy.

“When I was nine years old, my teacher made each student leave the classroom one by one while the classmates inside listed their qualities. After a few days, we each received a diploma highlighting our strengths. Mine read: ‘Because of his good humor, generosity, and joy... because he is always willing to help.’” (Pedro)

Despite their ability to adapt and make new friends, another common experience was a deep sense of loneliness during childhood. Alongside the feeling of not truly belonging in their families, they also struggled to feel fully part of their friend groups. Their difficulty with intimacy and fear of rejection often led them to feel anonymous or misunderstood. Many fantasized about being adopted by a more loving family or created imaginary friends to cope with their sense of neglect.

“I had a group of friends I played with, but sometimes I felt like I wasn’t really there. The relationships felt strange to me.” (Raquel)

“Throughout my childhood, I carried a deep sense of loneliness. I constantly leaned on my group of friends, seeing them as my true family.” (Pedro)

Regardless of their academic performance, their kindness and cheerful disposition often made them targets for ridicule. Their naïve tendency to get lost in their own world led to them being labeled as “fools.” In response, they either masked their feelings, downplayed the teasing, or rebelled by deciding to prove their intelligence.

“Because I was kind, they would say, ‘You’re so good and generous, you’re stupid.’ I defended myself by swallowing my feelings and enduring it, trying to

forget and numb the pain through distractions and friendships.” (Pedro)

“In my family, I was given the role of the ‘stupid and clueless’ one. So, in adolescence, I decided to be smart.” (Miriam)

“I wanted to be nice and funny to please others, but my brother and other kids teased me for it.” (Susan)

In conclusion, the biographies of Social 9s indicate that, as children, they were largely unaware of their unmet need for mothering, which contributed to their emotional disconnection. Instead, they focused their energy on adapting to their environment and meeting external expectations, leading to a diffuse sense of precariousness regarding their sense of belonging.