Emotionality and Fantasy

The Self-Preservation 9 finds it difficult to connect with their emotions, especially with pain. They do whatever it takes to avoid confronting themselves or others. It’s as if they want to forget the fact that they’re doing it worse than anyone else. There is something in the background that they prefer not to look at. They cover it up with food or tobacco, but often, they also hide their feelings by creating a fantasy about what has happened with the other person, or imagining a parallel situation that helps them numb the conflict.

When I was little, when my sister was late and my father began to scatter toads and snakes, prey to anxiety, I would go to the window and think: “Now I close my eyes, and when I open them again, I’ll see her arrive, and I’ll be happy. Dad will stop swearing, and everything will calm down.” The anguish became unbearable, and that fantasy helped me bear it in silence. (Emilia)

It is difficult for them to identify what they are feeling, whether it’s anger or pain. Moreover, they are often left without knowing what it’s due to, sometimes not identifying the cause until the next day.

The process can be summarized in a series of stages. Their detector is their own body. First, they feel an indefinable discomfort in their stomach, accompanied by a sense of anguish. Then comes the surprise because they didn’t expect to feel that way, and it’s something they cannot identify, which only increases in intensity.

After this initial confusion, they become scared and go into denial: “Nothing’s wrong, I’m just sensitive, I know myself, and I tend to overreact.” They start reflecting on what a mess they might have made or what they could have gone through in recent interactions (at the office, in a store, on the phone...) and reconsider. They eventually identify the moment and what caused that emotion, realizing when and why they’re feeling so much pain. Deep down, they believe that this feeling is useless, that it won’t change anything.

They then project their anger onto the other person or verbalize it, even without their presence. They start to fantasize: What caused it? What was the reason behind the other person’s actions or words that hurt them? Instead of focusing on the pain, they begin to

create explanations that justify the other person’s behavior. In the end, after long reflection, they finally assume their part of the responsibility but feel discouraged, as they see no possibility of change. The pain is so repetitive, and the mechanism so ingrained.

If they manage to identify the anger, they usually stay quiet and avoid the conflict. The conflict doesn’t exist, and if it does, they flee from it. To avoid feeling, they engage in activities that distract them from their monotony, even if nothing changes in their daily life. Deep down, they lack faith in change or simply don’t want it. They remain in their comfort zone.

They disguise their shyness with a certain frankness, often sticking their neck out and hurting others. This is “false sincerity,” born from not knowing how to hold themselves accountable.

Also, when they connect with their emotions during interactions with others, at the moment of contact, they tend to flee from the situation and resort to deflection. They devalue and minimize the importance of their feelings, often smiling even when they desperately want to scream or cry. At farewells, they are cheerful, but after a while, when the person is no longer there, that’s when they allow themselves to feel sadness.

The Self-Preservation 9 has little persistence in distinguishing and maintaining their desires. From the start, it’s difficult for them to differentiate their desires from those of others, and they avoid conflict. They set aside what is important to them as long as the other person is comfortable, or if their desire conflicts with their own, to avoid anger and prevent being seen as a rival. There is much covert competitiveness disguised as a false withdrawal, as if the object of desire doesn’t matter. Their strategy is to appear weak or harmless, or even like the victim.

“I usually carry my desires to the other and ask, ‘Do you want...?’ instead of saying, ‘I want’ or ‘I would really like...’” (Pilar)

There is a lot of self-censorship. They don’t usually display themselves and consider it normal to have secrets. They often excuse themselves when showing their desires or simply showing who they are. They tend to tell themselves stories and fantasize, especially in love. On one hand, they sublimate their desire by reading love stories and poetry. On the other hand, every time a relationship ends, they tell themselves that the ideal partner will come in the future. Fantasizing about a better future helps them alleviate or numb the pain of the present.

“Fantasy is a defense mechanism; actually, I don’t use it to live but to escape or endure life.” (Emilia)