Childhood

The childhood of a Self-Preservation 9 is guided by the motto of "not causing problems." This mindset stems from family circumstances that place the child in a position where they learn it is better to "not bother" and to solve their difficulties on their own. The child learns that this is the best way to avoid rejection, conflict, and the feeling of being responsible for the negative reactions of adults. Unfortunately, many of these children experience cases of sexual and psychological abuse.

“I was abused at the age of four by an uncle, for several years, because my mother often left me with him.“ (Gabriela)

He is a child who becomes invisible to avoid disturbing others. If he doesn’t bother anyone, he avoids the frustration of negative responses and doesn’t feel guilty.

In some cases, parents reinforce this tendency toward invisibility with an authoritarian father and a fearful mother, along with significant changes in the child’s environment (such as moving homes, for example) that are difficult for the child to understand, and which no one explains. He may be present and appear important, but in reality, nobody sees or truly listens to him. There are no spaces for him to express his needs, concerns, and desires. Gradually, he builds a parallel world in which he can live more peacefully, although this comes at the cost of not fully living in reality. In this case, death comes through isolation, which can be extremely hard to break. Outside, there are dangers and conflicts, which he tries to avoid. However, outside, there are also pleasures and needs that could be fulfilled, and in avoiding them, he loses out on these experiences as well.

The Self-Preservation 9 does not feel important to either their mother or father during childhood, leading to insecurity. Some parents may instill fear, fail to defend the child, or withhold respect. They may even emotionally blackmail the child. While one parent may exert strict control over instincts, the other may adopt an authoritarian approach, making decisions for the child and speaking on their behalf. There may be contempt, undervaluation, insufficient love, and superficial communication, full of unquestionable and final orders. All of this leads the child to withdraw from a reality they cannot cope with, choosing instead to live in isolation from an environment that stifles their autonomous growth.

To protect himself from life, the child retreats into fantasy, avoiding the suffering that comes from contact with others (particularly the family) and transferring those feelings onto the world at large. The image is that of the crab or snail, living within its shell, peering at the

world from the safety of its hiding place, emerging only when absolutely necessary to avoid the risks that lie outside.

In childhood, the Self-Preservation 9 may be considered a "loser," as they grow up in environments devoid of affection, forcing them to develop coping mechanisms to survive emotionally. The fact that they cannot articulate the discomfort and hostility they faced as children—often remembering their childhood as normal, or even frozen—reflects the defense mechanism of denial, normalization, and forgetting.

"I have never been hugged by my parents, I don’t remember receiving any hugs. My mother was always present, perhaps too much, but she wasn’t affectionate. She didn’t help me; in fact, I was the one who helped her. I learned not to create problems because I feared it would break the union between them. I felt overwhelmed and wanted to disappear, to become invisible. They fought, and my father was violent. I did everything to please him because if I expressed any wishes, he would have hit my mother. I’ve always felt like a nuisance, which is why I’ve always settled for less." (Rita)

Like the oyster, which, through long and patient work, transforms a bothersome intruder into a pearl, the Self-Preservation 9 can turn an uncomfortable, often painfully difficult childhood into a normal part of their life. They do this by "encapsulating" the uncomfortable memories that would otherwise disrupt their sense of normality. They cover these memories until they no longer bother them, allowing them to forget about them.

Too often, the childhood histories of these boys and girls involve, sooner or later, sexual abuse, whether by an adult or a family member. In general, the environment in which Self-Preservation 9s are raised lacks positive stimuli, attention, and affection. They feel as if they were born in the wrong place at the wrong time. They commonly express that they feel unwanted.

"I grew up to be able to take care of myself by taking responsibility. My brothers convinced me that I had been adopted because I was dark in complexion, and I believed it. They gave me signs of contempt and, to test their toy, compressed air rifles. They used me as a target." (Anna)

"I felt like I was a problem for my family. I was born after two abortions by my mother, and it's as if I felt like a mistake, as if I, too, should die. I have felt this death within me." (Rita)

Contact is missing, especially physical; they have no memories of being hugged and cuddled, and they have few memories of childhood in general. Sex is taboo:

“Religion came first. They told me that, when I was less than five years old, I was once caught masturbating and when they asked me what I was doing, I replied: ’I'm tickling myself.’ When they reminded me of it over and over again it was to shame me, because sex

was a sin. In fact, when I was a teenager, my mother didn't let us go out with boys, even if she was in a gang. I not only repressed sex but also emotions, because when I wanted to cry and cried, my father always told me: ’You have to have more bad blood’.“ (Pilar)

During childhood, there is often an episode experienced in a traumatic way that involves sudden detachment due to the death of an important person, a change of home, or even a move to another country. The consequence is a feeling of having one's roots cut off.

A Self-Preservation 9 individual is often born into a world filled with fights, clashes, and recriminations between parents. Parental figures are generally weak and non-existent, primarily focused on work, yet aggressive and violent at home. The mother figure, in particular, is dependent and, beyond the children, tied to her husband, accepting any humiliation from him.

"When my father and mother quarreled, he would inevitably become aggressive and verbally insult her. I instinctively felt the need to protect my mother, so I confronted him. The same thing happened when my sister suffered the violence: I felt a strong and immediate responsibility to protect her. But it didn't work the other way around. I couldn't count on them. There was confusion: I defended those who didn't protect me. I was a child who grew up for them, but I never had adults to protect me. It should have been the other way around, as the roles never aligned. I would fight with my sister, who was eight years older than me, but when she slapped me, my mother was never there to protect me. The same happened when my mother hit me; my sister didn't feel a protective impulse toward me. My father was never present, and my sorrows were insignificant to him. There was a period, close to adolescence, when I thought I had been adopted, that this could not be my true family. I learned that when I came home, I had to leave my emotions at the door. Especially if I arrived happy and carefree, I never knew what the family atmosphere would be like. I left out the lightness to suit the heaviness I would find at home.” (Emilia)

The Self-Preservation 9 child is confused, as often in the family, the roles of the parents are superimposed or exchanged. This child is often the firstborn of a large family, who quickly becomes the "mother" of their own mother, helping by taking care of siblings or protecting their mother from the violent side of the father. If they are not the mother, they may become the sister or brother who protects the relative suffering from anger. To avoid further family tension and violence, they quickly learn that if they don’t ask for more than they are given, they won’t create problems. And if they don't cause trouble, the "monster" will behave, and no one will have to be sacrificed.

In this way, the Self-Preservation 9 child ends up believing they are the defender and conservator of family harmony.

"My father and my mother, in my eyes, have never been husband and wife. My mother was a bit like my father's mother; she took care of him, but it wasn’t love. I didn’t see tenderness between them. I was confused because in this family I didn’t see the roles. I was a bit like the mother, and she was the mother of my father. There was a role confusion. There were also economic difficulties with two children already. I felt the anguish, and it felt like too much. I wanted to disappear, to be transparent to them. My brothers didn't matter. My presence was heavy, and they convinced me I was adopted, that I didn't belong to my parents, and I, for a long time, believed it was true. Anyway... the clan was against me.” (Rita)

"I think I got used to being the oldest and that my needs didn’t count for anyone. I had to take care not to draw attention to myself, because my parents had a lot of work, and I didn’t want to give them more problems. I learned to read by watching television. I never felt allowed to do anything, neither to flow nor to urinate, and always waiting made me desperate. Much feeling of neglect, abuse, and anger. The secret. I still tend to cover my mouth with my hand without realizing it.” (Pilar)

For all these reasons, the Self-Preservation 9 child, who is very receptive, strives from an early age to be their own father and learn how to manage alone, unable to rely on the help of adults who are too busy with their own problems and uninterested in the child's world.

This means that, for example, when they play, the most obvious thing for them is never to fully enter the game because they must also be responsible for themselves. They learn early that letting go in the game of life comes with too high a price for their emotional economy as children.

Therefore, in the healthy attempt to maintain balance, the Self-Preservation 9 child, although they unlearn the pleasure of playing and letting go, tries to compensate for their tiring life by developing the ability to fantasize on their own. Fantasizing helps them endure frustration and helplessness, enabling them to continue living in a hostile family environment, bearing the weight of an existence that promises nothing good but is inescapable, precisely because they are a child in a family that does not attend to their growth.

Despite lacking a relaxed and well-disposed family atmosphere, they are not sad or complaining children. On the contrary, despite the hard work of adapting to disappear, they know how to be cheerful, sunny, and, when possible, even determined to be happy.

"It seems that when I was born, I was determined to be happy. I was so determined that my happiness resisted the presence of a punishing and absent father, secluded in his fear and pain. I was so determined that my happiness resisted the loss of a dream that began to appear when I was thirteen, and the military coup d'état came to crush it. I transformed this

pain into a desire to fight, to break down fear. Now, looking back, I realize that happiness and joy were a form of disconnection. They were a good construction to face a hard life." (Loreto)

The school, in general, saves them from the oppressive family situation; however, even here, they perceive that adaptation is their only recourse to avoid being swallowed by it.

"We stayed for lunch at school. We also had class on Saturdays. My memory of these years is that I was very studious and got very good grades. I was chubby, shy, with glasses, and quite introverted—almost a little autistic. Given how expensive school was, my duty was to get good grades and thank my parents for the great effort they were making." (Pilar)

In an attempt to safeguard their originality and stay true to themselves in order to survive, they may be quiet learners who are easily distracted, perhaps out of boredom. When brought up, they may appear foolish. Lost in their oblivion of the world and escaping into fantasy, they don't have many cards to play when they end up in the spotlight.

"I have always had difficult relationships with colleagues; I got along better with cousins and siblings..." (Gabriella)

Finally, there is often an episode in their childhood or adolescence that leads to conflict with God and the Church, resulting in a profound detachment from spirituality and religion.

"When I was eight years old, I remember fighting with God for not allowing me to participate in a church performance that children of my age were part of. I arrived late, and they didn't let me take any part. I attributed it to divine plans that didn't want me on that path. From that day on, I began to move away from it. Although I continued to have contact with the parish because my friends were there, and we went on excursions with the priest, during any act, such as mass, he clearly and insultingly pushed me away." (Pau)