Interpersonal Strategy and Associated Irrational Ideas

Self-forgetfulness and over-adaptation to the environment are, as we have seen, characteristic features of sloths. They believe it is better to go with the flow to avoid feeling or thinking too much. They want to steer clear of both introspection and any conflict with others to prevent suffering. Their insensitivity towards themselves stems from attempting to forget the pain of their love frustrations. The desire to avoid suffering or causing pain so limits their psychological world that it can seem like they are empty inside, though this is not the case. Their inner world can be rich, but they either do not express it or have become deaf to their inner voices.

It is painful to accept that one is not lovable, and to avoid that pain, the Social 9 has stopped looking at themselves. Over-adaptation, conflict avoidance, and the effort to please and be useful are rooted in their desire to be free from the pain of not belonging. They renounce having needs or desires of their own, giving to the world and those around them what they do not believe they have the right to give themselves or receive from others. The belief that what is theirs is less important than the wishes of others feeds self-forgetfulness and is rooted in situations of impotence experienced in childhood. The

frustration of not being allowed to be a child, having to grow up too quickly and inhibit their impulses, convinced them that there is nothing for them, and that they must conform, understanding that it is better to over-adapt to what others want.

Lacking the loving gaze in childhood, they concluded that what is inside them is not worth seeing. They believe—consciously or not—that they were not visited due to some intrinsic ugliness or defect. This leads to frequent negative self-conceptions, such as: “I am not worth it,” “I am less,” “annoying,” or a deep-seated belief: “I am not worthy.”

Thus, they choose to prioritize the well-being of others before their own, experiencing satisfaction vicariously. Their thought process is: “If others are happy with me, then I know I'm fine.” Obviously, this is not true, as their dedication is based on the assumption that they can be satisfied through the satisfaction of others, without truly connecting to their own experience. Putting the value of others first perpetuates their own loss of self and contributes to increasing self-forgetfulness.

Over-adaptation is also supported by the belief that discomfort must be swallowed. Phrases like “Mine doesn’t matter,” “You have to settle,” “You have to put up with it,” and “There’s no big deal” are common. On the other hand, in interactions with others, they often say: “Don’t worry,” “Nothing happens,” “Whatever you want.”

Another interpersonal strategy of E9 is "stunning." The belief that “it is better not to find out” serves both to avoid facing their own discomfort and to avoid the pain or conflict that might come from others. It is easier for them not to know what hurts them or how others treat them, allowing them to play it down in the event of abuse and to maintain a confused understanding of what happened—or even to remain unaware of it.

The most characteristic belief of the social subtype is the irrational idea that “I don’t belong.” This belief colors their interpersonal strategies. They feel that they have been excluded from the privilege of belonging and that, not only must they avoid conflict to be accepted, but they must also earn their place. The industrious impulse of the social subtype is based on the idea that they must act in the world to deserve a place.

"As a child, I thought there must be something terribly wrong with me because my presence seemed to annoy my mother, and very soon my brother also began to openly despise me. I remember that it hurt a lot, but I did my best not to show it. That's why I tried to be good and always said I was fine.” — Anonymous

The Social 9 also believes it is better not to cause problems, as disturbing others threatens their sense of belonging. They feel the need to constantly be aware of others and try to contribute. A specific associated belief is: “If I am useful, they will accept me.” They believe

that “everything has a solution” and it is their responsibility to fix any problems. They deal with being useful and servile, hoping to compensate for the feeling of not measuring up to the rest of humanity, but always with the desire to be included.

The belief in not belonging is intertwined with the fear of being alone. Withdrawing is very difficult for them. It’s better to stay attached to what is there, regardless of whether it is convenient, than to risk suffering abandonment. There is a significant lack of reference to what it means to be properly cared for during childhood. This deficit generates, on the one hand, a fear of abandonment—even in toxic relationships—and on the other, the opposite notion: “I can manage alone.”

"I've been watching myself this week during vacation and observing how I interact with people I know. She would ask me, 'Do you feel like sitting here? Do you want to retire?' And the old programming came: 'You're going to be alone! You're not being nice enough! You have to please others!’” — Anonymous

But not only do they have to abdicate their own desires, they also must put on a brave face in tough situations. The rationalization is: “The happier they see me, the more I will please them, and the more they will love and accept me.” It is specific to the social subtype to believe that “everyone must be happy.”

It is as if they do not believe they have a place if they are not happy and content. In this sense, contentment becomes a form of self-deception and anesthesia in the face of pain. They mask their pain for themselves and for others. A strong example of this Social 9 strategy can be found in the literary character Pollyanna, by Eleanor H. Porter.

The belief that “it is not good to be selfish” serves not only to forget and adapt, but also to try to belong. To the taboo of being selfish and not wanting to bother others is added the taboo of standing out. For the Social 9, opting for a submissive attitude is another way to gain a foothold, even if it increases their dissatisfaction with not being seen. They lack the drive to compete in the world on their own terms because they fear being left out again.

"In the process of going out into the market and offering myself as a therapist (it’s the first time I am not working for someone else), I am constantly assailed by two sensations. The first is the shame of showing myself in what I do—I feel naked—and the second is the feeling that I am deceiving others in an attempt to convince them to come to me because I am good at what I do. There is an internal conviction that I will not be liked.” — Anonymous

Not wanting to cause trouble or inconvenience doesn’t mean they won’t. In fact, it can be quite annoying. They become so focused on their tasks that they forget to include the

people they are collaborating with. They may also fail to understand that a lack of inner listening can disturb others. Just as they can over-adapt, they can also be as clumsy as an elephant in a china shop, despite their best intentions. They struggle to recognize their robot-like rigidity regarding how things should be done and mishandle criticism or apologize. “But I was only trying to help!”

There is an unconscious belief that "I am not lovable" behind the irrational idea of not belonging. The attitude of forgetting, rationalized with “it doesn’t matter” or “what’s the point of trying,” carries an undertone of skepticism about their very existence. The illusion underlying self-forgetfulness and the emphasis on adaptation is the belief that “love does not exist.” They compulsively try to be kind and lovable because they believe they are unlovable, but at the same time, they are numb to receiving and feeling love for themselves.

Early Scenes of Irrational Ideas

"The important thing is to be happy"

"When I was seven years old, I was run over by a tram and grazed my brain. They took me to the hospital and stitched me up live, I was bleeding to death. They gave me thirty stitches, and my whole head was bandaged. When I got home, my mother sat me in a rocking chair and told me: ‘When dad walks through the door, smile as if nothing had happened.’" — Mayka

"When I was five years old, my father had promised me a bike. When he arrived, I realized that it was my brother’s old bike, painted red. But I pretended to be very happy with the new bike he had just bought me. I didn’t want him to realize how much his deception hurt me. It would be like betraying him if he knew I had found out.” — Susan

“It was just assumed that my sister and I would take care of the little ones. When my brother was three and I was nine, I was pushing him uphill on the bike, with him sitting on the back wheel. He stuck his toe in the chain, and it was ripped off. We rushed to the hospital, but my older brother and I stayed behind, crying. He said to me, 'You killed our little brother!' I thought it was all my fault, but then my parents didn’t want us to talk about it. They insisted we had to be positive so he wouldn’t feel bad. When he came home from the hospital, I was in charge of him. He teased me lovingly, making up funny stories about the missing finger, even giving me pedicures and filing my stump. Not long after, my hair started falling out.” – Joyce

“Nothing happens.”

“I was about eight when a classmate got sick. As usual, I offered to take her homework to her house. Walking home, I was hit by a car. I found myself between the wheels, but miraculously, I only had a minor gash in my gut and was shaking all over. When the driver got out, he asked if I was okay. I told him not to worry, that I was fine, and I could get up on my own. Still, he took me to the Red Cross, and then dropped me off at home. When I arrived, no one cared, even though it was too early for me to be back from school. I was frustrated when the man asked if they were going to file a report or take me to the hospital for a scan, and my father replied, 'No, no need for anything, nothing, absolutely nothing.' My family didn’t even ask how I was. I felt invisible, like I didn’t exist. I was stuck in this limbo, a painful moment in my life. By then, I already knew: it didn’t matter, nothing ever really did.” – Raquel

“If they don’t find out and I pretend everything’s fine, no one suffers.”

“When I was five, a tragedy struck. One night, my father ran over a girl on a bicycle. She was my neighbor. That night, I understood something crucial: not only was I not supposed to talk about it, I shouldn’t even know about it. So, I learned to pretend it hadn’t happened, to protect my parents. This meant swallowing my own pain. My mother decided that for weeks, we couldn’t be seen by the neighbors, and I was forbidden to leave the house. When she finally let me out, I was restricted in where I could go, who I could talk to, or who I could play with. It marked me deeply, so much that for years I erased the memory.” – Susan

“If I don’t find out and just put up with it, I won’t create problems.”

“I suffered sexual abuse for three years by a cousin, an experience that has haunted me ever since. I adapted to the situation, hiding it so no one would know. I feared punishment for what was happening. From there, my life took an unexpected turn: I felt alone, defenseless, and unprotected. But I carried on, alone.” – Anonymous

“I still remember when my mother tried to buy me some wool pants. I was about six. They were so itchy, I told her I had an allergic reaction and showed her the red marks on my legs. But I had to put them on anyway because I couldn’t go against her, even though I was in discomfort. To her, it was for my own good.” – Raquel

“If they don’t like me, they won’t see me.”

“I was around eight when I realized I had to find a way to make others like me, so they’d actually see me. I wanted everyone—my parents, my teachers—to notice me. The crazy

idea formed: ‘If they don’t like me, they won’t see me. If I don’t make life pleasant for them, they won’t want to be around me. If I cause problems, they’ll leave. If I’m good, they’ll love me.’” – Anonymous

“Better fantasy.”

“There are many times when I feel so alone and unhappy. My parents are there, but they’re not really there for me. I escape into a private world of fantasy. They say I’m always on cloud nine, clueless, as if I don’t understand things.” – Miriam

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