The Characteristic Neurotic Need

The Social 9 grew up with the feeling of not being seen, which created a certain insecurity regarding their place within the family. They felt overlooked and insufficiently accepted. Hence, the deep longing to belong, which they try to fulfill by pleasing others at all costs—even at the cost of their own well-being.

"I want to be seen, accepted, and loved; the price to pay doesn’t matter. I am ready for anything." (Anonymous)

This child, who does not feel seen and therefore not accepted, strives to be a part of things, avoiding conflict at all costs. More specifically, they try to avoid the discomfort and pain of feeling unloved by being kind to everyone and viewing everyone as good.

"I always see something positive in everyone, and in this way, I hide or excuse what I don't like about them. I don't really dare to express the negative openly." (Mayka)

"I see others and understand their reactions. I justify them automatically. It’s difficult for me to know when I’m being mistreated, to feel the anger, or to express it; I get stuck at any of the stages of the process. When I get angry, I feel cold inside and mentally harden. Expressing disagreement feels like it places me at a distance from the other." (Ana)

The need to avoid unpleasantness and to feel accepted, in other words, to belong, manifests as the predominant neurotic need of the Social 9. Their way of pleasing others is through service. This active subtype needs to feel useful in order to satisfy others, making them highly available and willing to assist others, the group, and at work.

"If I am not useful to the group, it’s as if I have no right to be there. So, I volunteer for anything in order to help and please." (Susan)

"I need to belong, to be included, to be part of a group—whether it’s family, friends, etc. To do this, I find a way to be and feel useful. I listen, even when I don't feel like it, and I take on tasks I dislike just to be accepted." (Raquel)

The most typical neurotic behavior is seeking self-satisfaction by trying to meet the needs and desires of others, especially through social participation. In trying to belong, one must satisfy some external identity. Fearing disapproval, they forget themselves and attempt to "fill" their own lack of being with attention and actions directed at others. The responses they get from others replace their own internal connection and fill the emptiness they feel inside. Their satisfaction-seeking is outward-focused, and this confusion can result in servility.

"I want the other to feel comfortable, cared for, and seen... not to feel frustrated at any time. It’s like I have a radar to figure out what they need, and I offer it to them. I don’t know if I want to do it, but I just focus on pleasing those who ask me. I give to others what I don’t give to myself. I want everyone to be okay. I pay attention to each person in the group and try to figure out what they need. In the end, I’m the one exhausted from overexertion and energy expenditure." (Anonymous)

On the one hand, the E9 tries to recover their sense of being by meeting the needs of others and ensuring they are "well." On the other hand, they believe that if they can please others, they will not risk losing their place in life. The associated thought is: "If others are fine, then I am fine."

"I lack the motivation to take care of myself first. My instinct to tend to my own well-being is dormant. I’m satisfied with taking care of others so that they validate me. My care is focused on others, and through this, I receive second-hand well-being." (Susan)

Their excessive generosity would be virtuous if it weren’t for the fact that they’ve forgotten to include themselves. Relationships tend to be half-hearted because there’s no authentic connection with themselves. Without true self-care, what they offer others may be severely limited. They can focus on the group’s situation or what others need, resulting in poor giving, which leads to deep dissatisfaction.

"I want everyone to like me, but I’m not very effective at achieving this because I don’t get personal. I work hard for the group, but I maintain a distance. I don’t cultivate personal relationships, so when I see others forming connections or going out together, I feel bad." (Miriam)

"My giving has been more about doing and accompanying than actually showing myself. It’s been more about giving than being. My being has been tinged with a position of benevolent superiority, trying to calm the discomfort of others to ease my own anxiety about what to do with it." (Anonymous)

E9s have little awareness that after channeling their care into others, they are seeking validation and love. They typically expect very little in return and struggle to receive. Their need to belong through usefulness leaves little room for reciprocity. Internally, they don’t feel worthy of being cared for. They manage on their own, but without truly taking care of themselves. For them, pleasure comes from enduring the unpleasant. They’ve learned that it’s better to not ask or protest, avoiding disapproval at all costs, even if that means suppressing their own desires.

"I used to establish relationships of excessive dedication, without limits, creating dependency dynamics where the thought was: 'The more I give, the more others need me, and the more they’ll love me.' I acted impulsively, never asking myself if I truly wanted to do it. Without questioning my motives, I thought I was being generous, without asking for anything in return. But I did so with the belief that one day, when I needed it, those people would be there for me, or I created a debt in the other. When they didn’t fulfill my needs, I would feel resentful and hateful." (Anonymous)

"My parents always said I was their angel; my siblings said I was the smartest, the prettiest, the nicest, the luckiest, the best spouse, the best worker... But because of all this, I’ve always had them hanging on me, physically, emotionally, and financially. And I’ve never felt the right to complain or disagree." (Mayka)

Submissiveness and inconspicuousness are also forms of pleasing that appear in most social situations. However, unlike other subtypes, if the Social 9 perceives that the group desires them to be visible, they will be—sometimes even in leadership roles. They can lead a party or take on responsibilities, though they often downplay their efforts.

Difficulty recognizing their own worth is evident, and there is an automatic compulsion to dismiss the appreciation they unconsciously seek. Compliments and recognition make them

uncomfortable and disoriented when they appear. They tend to downplay compliments or change the subject.

"When I receive congratulations at a work meeting, I automatically respond by minimizing my effort. I’m uncomfortable with all the attention, and at the same time, I’d be horrified if no one commented. It’s a constant contradiction." (Miriam)

There is an ambivalence, if not blindness, regarding the desire for recognition and the focus on others. It can lead to complaints or even resentment when they find their generosity is not reciprocated: "I took care of them, and the first time I needed them, they weren’t there for me." Additionally, they become sensitive to criticism because it’s difficult for them to understand that their good intentions might not be appreciated. They may feel unfairly treated but lack the direct confrontation necessary to express their needs. They want to be cared for as they care for others, but they don’t dare ask for it or aren’t even aware of the desire.

"For me, the unconscious pact is: I please you so that you love me, so that there’s a space for me in your heart. But along the way, I sweep a lot of stuff under the rug, and basically, nobody changes." (Susan)