E4 Social – Shame

The contrasts between the E4 character types are the most striking, since its different subtypes seem more differentiated than in the other passions. When I explain this topic in Spanish, I usually say that there are "sufferers, long-suffering and insufferable". The sufferers are the social fours.

The social E4 is a person who complains too much, is very tearful and often puts himself in the role of a victim. In the DSM-IV, a category of person given to self-sabotage is suggested. The characteristic pointed out by Ichazo for this character is shame, which descriptively seems to me to be a success but it is not enough to describe a neurotic need. Certainly, these are people who underestimate themselves, and therefore feel less than others. But how do you explain why these people are so given to self-blame and to comparing themselves unfavorably with others?

The answer, it seems to me, is found in what Melanie Klein called the depressive position, through which the boy or girl prefers to blame himself instead of unloading his rage against the mother, whom he needs exaggeratedly. In a similar way, we can consider that the social E4 is one who prefers to swallow his own poison instead of externalizing it towards the loved ones; he has learned to introject his aggression in view of an exaggerated affective dependence.

The transformation in the social E4 by Sonia Gajnaj

Long ago, I did not recognize the chained thoughts of envy or envious emotion. The world was against me and no one gave me what I wanted or needed; I wouldn't let up: they left me. Thus, I used to create situations in which I was a victim and others were my victimizers. I projected my own hatred onto others and didn't take charge of my envy. I felt a fierce competitiveness that I could not recognize: a competitiveness for recognition, for being unique and special, for the place... A place to be, but a place sought from an eternally boycotted ego, by keeping it always occupied with laments and complaints.

My immature personality

The anger I felt was very intense and had turned me into tears and victimization. It was also an excuse to let others make decisions for me and return in that way, again and again, to a feeling of dissatisfaction and hatred towards the world and myself for not being able to make my own choices or hold my views. Confrontation naturally became impossible.

Love was only given through complaint and pain. I put myself in situations where the other could leave me, so that I could only see the couple through my devaluation and my self-hatred, despising them more the longer I stayed by my side. This manipulation occurred in all the

relationships he established. It served for others to give me, and it was also the way to reflect my hatred and envy towards others. Another common aspect in the couple's relationships was my dependence on the mother figure and the conscious falsehood put at the service of maintaining the relationship at any price. I also used to be very bandit and, at the same time, I thought they abandoned me: first I gave myself over to over-contact and then my withdrawal was total.

I used to live in a messy way as a way to generate situations of social rejection. It was typical of me not to be able to sustain any work commitment if it was not in my manipulative way, which consisted of displaying a very loving and pseudo-restraining style at times and then abandoning the task with the feeling that the energy was draining me and that I could not sustain it in time because of any minor event that occurred, thanks to which I manufactured the feeling of being rejected, of not being recognized, that others were given more than me...

At that time I did not realize all this; I simply felt that I could not sustain the responsibilities, nor be in relationships because, definitely, I had touched myself less than others in the distribution of life.

I remember a remarkable feeling every time I saw myself in situations of exposure: my stomach churned from the embarrassment I felt. The tremendous anxiety generated by the moments when I was exposed to the world used to compensate for it with temporary disappearances: I locked myself up and isolated myself, I dedicated myself to eating and then I began to have great problems of excess weight.

My self-denigration was obsessive and it was impossible for me to be alone since torturer thoughts came to my mind that I produced without rest. Now I relate the sweet taste of self-denigration to the introjection of poor maternal image. It is the infantile way, perpetuated in adulthood, of having a mother.

Remembering those times, I am left with a feeling of great superficiality, although I also thought I was very deep for having tangled thoughts and living strong emotions under a disguise of softness and sweetness.

I could be very sweet, friendly and extremely good in public, and become aggressive and angry in intimacy, also putting a great energy into it because of the emotions that I had kept in social situations and that I unloaded by being alone with those I devalued.

The repression of socially ill-seen emotions, such as anger or hatred, were transformed into sadness and victimization in the impossibility of confronting them.

The love of a couple was the central theme of my life: having or not having a relationship was the purpose of existence. Life was melancholic and full of impoverishing experiences in this regard.

The fruits of labor

Through my work with enneagram, individual and group therapy, and also thanks to my training as an actress and then theater teacher, I have been able to develop a greater awareness, translated into the taking of responsibilities in the workplace and being able to sustain long-term commitments. All this is accompanied by a more positive attitude towards difficulties, which consists of looking for exit strategies for complicated situations. I can also be more practical and somewhat more efficient in concrete tasks; In my work and study goals, I have a greater ability to go and look for what interests me, I am more active, I can attend to several issues at the same time without falling into despair or anxiety, and I usually achieve almost always the objectives I propose.

From the difficulty I felt to find my place in a group and in society, today I can live more deeply the sense of belonging. At the same time, finding my place has given me back the feeling of being more independent in affective relationships, where I can now place myself and place clearer boundaries.

I am also less extreme and I give it a value more relative to the situations in life and the emotions that invade me. Shame — my selfish passion — is greatly diminished in social and work situations: I am more talkative and clear in what I want to convey.

In relationships, I was able to stay alone for several years, having casual relationships, enjoying the moment, and not tying myself to any stable relationship. I prioritized life and all its aspects, and not the love of a couple, and I managed to be consistent with it in my thoughts, emotions and actions until today.

I learned to have amazing, unknown, positive, comforting thoughts about myself. I learned to give myself encouragement. To this day, self-denigration has disappeared and I feel able to fulfill my responsibilities, whether I have energy or not. I also feel more pious with some of my egoic impossibilities: I don't punish myself so much for what I can't let go or transform and I have less ambition with my personal transformation.

At the same time, I feel more faith in something higher and have more faith that I can help myself in my inner processes without seeking help outside. I feel an urgent need for greater autonomy and at the moment I am looking for it.

I feel more satisfied with my present and do not miss the past, I am happier and feel more fulfilled in the present moment.

For this, it has been very important to relativize and idealize less what others say or do, and to allow myself to live sometimes a joy for the achievements of others. It has also helped me to give a little more credit to what I think or believe instead of listening to so many comments of help, even if they come with good intentions and can even be successful and help me, since I

want to live my own life experience and make mistakes if necessary, thus taking responsibility for my mistakes.

In my future process towards a greater evolution of consciousness and greater health, I realize that it would be good to develop more my autonomy through work and study; to situate myself before my relationships with others with a more generous attitude, so that I can give without speculation and get out of the old neurotic need to establish symbiotic relationships.

In personal relationships, a social four acts from competition and comparison, through which it tries to find a value in itself. Therefore, for me, health is about finding my own recognition and satisfaction.

In the relationship, the healthy thing is to place myself in a place of equality with the other without letting myself be carried away by the emotional tremor.

To develop harmony and stability, both internally and in the couple, it is essential to cultivate thinking and the ability to cognitively elaborate experiences.

What helps in working on the ego

Initially, the main help I received was to go through an individual therapeutic relationship, where I transferred my dependence to my therapist. However, it was a positive relationship that allowed me to go through the experience of introjecting a good mother that gave me back a favorable look at myself.

Group therapy and sharing put my work at stake with envy, jealousy, hatred and competition; when I arrived at the SAT Program and sharing these traits with other people of my own enneatype, along with my group therapy, was a great help: suddenly, I felt that I had siblings to search for, and this feeling opened up for me – sometimes piecemeal – the possibility of working more deeply on the ego.

Useful tasks for work on the ego

In the work on my shame, the theater has been the irreducible way of opening and the channel of expression of my emotions and my creativity. Along with theater, dance, singing and artistic expressions that progressively involve personal exposure through a creative language are very useful.

For a social four, enjoying a leading role for a certain time and with external support is usually, at first, very important: it helps to develop a positive self-image and to dedramatize life; it also lowers the terror of shame in exposure situations.

In the theater, placing emotions in a situation or in a character represents a first way to not be so seen and at the same time to be able to express oneself. Thus, shame, which retains the

always intense emotions and makes emotional thoughts entangle, can give way in the way of expressing oneself and integrating different aspects of oneself.

As for any other enneatype, the work of meditation is a great help. Along my way, some mantras such as: "You have to do what you have to do" have been of great help to me, especially at times when I am invaded by emotions that stop me from taking action.

In my process, it was also very helpful to carry out concrete actions, even when I did not feel them, such as presenting a better personal image, fixing myself even if I did not see myself with encouragement for it, and so on. It's like a theater: I look for the character outside so that later he becomes flesh inside. Starting to give was very useful to me in relation to my impoverished self-image and the attitude of asking for attention.

It also helps to perform small tasks in relation to the organization of my activities, as well as keep a simple agenda. In these activities, it helps to put yourself in situations where it is necessary to play to develop the muscle of thought: studying something theoretical is proving very good for me.

In the interpersonal relationship, it is healthy to find the middle ground between contact and withdrawal, which helps to enjoy greater independence: that one becomes essential or that someone becomes essential for you, undoubtedly increases the ego.

Some behavioral changes

One of the most obvious changes I have experienced is my self-sustaining: before I felt in the shadow of others, I did for others for whatever selfish reasons, but I did not take charge of my life. Later in my process, I began to teach alone, first with twenty-five students, who today are already one hundred; I have four pedagogical assistants and a secretary. Children, teenagers and adults say they come to my workshops because of the kind of guidance I give them: something of my identity is present in my work. They say I have a stamp of my own on what I do. In my life I would have dreamed of something like that. From the outside I look very confident, firm, committed and solid... And the truth is that I wake up every day wanting to work my insecurities; it's part of my task right now and it seems to be working well.

Today I am able to support my home and my children alone. There is no longer so much distance between my reactions in the public and in the private; my emotions flow more balanced and I have a very loving relationship and a lot of communication with my children: let's agree that I became an adult and, today, being at home is a joy and being alone is a pleasure: reading, listening to music, praying, doing nothing ... I am also living a relationship in which we both enjoy great independence and there is a lot of love.

Sexuality is the best journey: there is no more repression or inhibition, I validate everything that comes from me, without chaining it to tortuous, superegoic or guilty situations.

I love my parents as they came from the factory and I look at them as beings who are in this world not only as parents: they have their life, their mission or whatever; they do what they can, as we all do what we can.

I remember a time when I lived a kind of pseudo-spirituality. Later I went through a few years in which I felt very disbelieved: it had to do with the fact of letting go of all my dependence. And then came faith, absolute trust in something higher. I experience it through dreams and sensations that have nothing to do with the psychological and that produce enormous peace and joy. This is my search today: happier and more enthusiastic. I feel God in my own way, not following anything or anyone. And I think that will be the case, at least, for a few more years.