E4 Sexual – Hate

If the social E4 suffers more than the other subtypes from feeling guilty about any desire, the sexual E4 turns against shame by becoming shameless in order to satisfy its intense desires. Therefore, even if it is embarrassing, it will knock on every possible door. He becomes insistent, even against frustrations, as if he thought according to the saying that the baby who cries the most is the one who suckles the best. "The more I complain, the more I'm going to get," he seems to think. It's just that this strategy, which works well in childhood, doesn't work as well in adult life. People who are too insistent, demanding, demanding, tend to be bothered and rejected, and thus their vicious circle arises, in which rejection leads to protest and protest to rejection.

Ichazo's name for the characteristic passion of sexual E4 was hate, which is descriptively appropriate for these people who are so expressive about their anger. But this may not sufficiently explain his motivation, which is why it seems better to me to speak of competition, or competitiveness.

We could characterize envy of the sexual subtype as aggressive oral envy, which bites. Psychoanalysis speaks of "cannibalistic" impulses. It is not only wanted, but it is wanted with anger. This is the sin of Cain, our ancestor: "I envy you and therefore I kill you". I envy the rich, and I start a revolution. I envy your intellectual superiority, and for that I will cut off your head (then... I will seem taller!) And when we talk about cutting heads, we are talking about the invalidation, the contempt, the aggression that is expressed in the devaluation of what enviable, as in the case of the fox and the supposedly green grapes.

The transformation in the sexual E4 by Annie Chevreux

The great obstacle that the sexual E4 runs into in order to get to work in depth with his character is to recognize that he is ill, to surrender to the evidence, to get rid of the stubbornness that supposes that, most of the time, what he considers to be sincere and authentic in his way of expressing himself is actually pure hatred and competitiveness.

It is essential for sexual E4 to come to understand that hate is a hard drug, an addiction from which one cannot be cured forever. I insist on this point because it has to do with the extremist positions that those of this subtype usually adopt and that are real obstacles to growth. The euphoria produced by seeing progress in the healing process, like the despair when one stagnates, are dangerous emotions that justify getting discouraged, throwing in the towel, surrendering to chaos. They are emotions that feedback self-hatred and expand it outwards with all that it brings about unhappiness of oneself and others. I experienced all this through my therapeutic process. The texts that I quote below correspond to fragments of my autobiography:

"In the first individual sessions with the teacher, I fully realized the childhood lack, the terror and fascination with my father, the sexual fears. At the same time that I was getting rid of the guilt for feeling like the bad guy in the story, the one responsible for things not having gone better for us at home, I felt heard and valued by Claudio. To date, no one had given me this opportunity, to be able to talk about what was happening to me without being branded a liar like my father did. That marks for me the beginning of the work and, within the work, the first healing memory. Then came less idyllic sessions, those in which it seemed that nothing was happening beyond realizing my own limits. As much as he apparently handled those situations well, I don't think he knew how to fully endure the tedium of the interior desert. It was as if nothing served me if the emotional intensity was missing. I was trying to calm down but I know it was making me agitated, distracting me from the void. It was so unbearable for me to put up with it that it distracted me from the outside... In group work, when my colleagues felt something different from mine, if I was in pain and they were in joy, I called them frivolous and superficial. If it happened the other way around, they were boring. With so much looking outside and comparing experiences, I lost my center, I lost attention to what I had to work on. Over time I realized that I grew up believing myself to be the most transparent, the most mature of all but that deep down all this served to not take responsibility for my spiritual laziness. If things went well, I was excited. If I played empty, I would get in a bad mood. Reflecting on the process in the present, although I know I've worked hard, I understand that what got me going back then was believing that I was part of a very special group, something out of the ordinary. The SAT school was for me Arcadia, Camelot and my particular Bloomsbury. We were a family back then too and I wanted to make up for my real one. I was still naive that this would be perfect, idyllic. Getting down from that childish belief was what made me mature the most."

Recognizing oneself addicted to hate is already healing per se, since it implies accepting relapses, not to be discouraged but to learn from them and how one has allowed oneself to be carried away. In this task of self-observation, the sexual E4 comes up against an internal barrier that he has to name without fooling himself, even if it stings; or precisely because of that, because it bothers, from there begins the real commitment to inner work. This barrier is called intellectual laziness and it manifests itself in attitudes to which those of this subtype are prone: impatience, resistance to continuous effort, too much faith in improvisation, in impulse, with all the difficulties that come with facing the void without filling it, disparate words and emotions that distract and overwhelm. When you become aware of this limitation, you begin to develop the right attitude for in-depth work and set yourself the necessary tasks to grow. It is not about distrusting the impulse, because it is the engine to get going, but learning that it is not enough, that it is necessary to practice perseverance. I became aware of this difficulty in the professional field:

"At the same time that I started training in Gestalt Therapy, I was interested in the Tarot and Claudio told me how I could work with the cards. My first workshop was a resounding success that went to my head. He thought he had his future figured out and people would flock to

it. I really liked my way of working with the Tarot, but of course, it was not that easy to have a clientele and I got impatient. Now, since my experience as a psychotherapist, the same thing happens again. I know that the new proposals for experimental work that I make are of interest and are useful to people, but I have to be alert not to get discouraged or not throw everything away when there is no quick and unanimous response, but rather it helps me to take up the idea, see what is missing or what is left over, in a word: work, not give up. I think it's crucial for sexual E4 not to confuse a lack of perseverance with a lack of talent because it leads to detachment from reality, hating it, hating yourself and hating others along the way."

Self-fulfillment and transformation then happens by becoming frustrated, de-dramatizing and developing compassion.

Frustration

The sexual E4 has to come to understand that he is bound to be frustrated because he takes his desires for realities.

He has to accept that neither he nor the world is as he had imagined. That not everything is going to be unbearably dull and boring if he puts aside his romantic vision of life. That this unrealistic way of apprehending the world is not harmless and that hatred and contempt for the basic aspects of survival nest in the excesses of aesthetic value. Healing involves mothering, realizing that one is flesh and blood like the others and that in order not to die one needs to eat, shelter, organize, develop practical sense, that is, learn to put oneself on one's side as a way of letting go, to hate himself. You have to tie yourself short with the tendency to self-destruction. Impose tasks and schedules, be productive so as not to sink into chaos. You have to discipline yourself in anything that makes you feel good about yourself. The discomfort caused by the lack of self-esteem increases hatred and is a vicious circle from which one has to force oneself to leave. It is a matter of will.

I think what is transformative in all of this is realizing that it is not just about carrying out a discipline that the sexual E4 has to impose on itself in order to get out of the chaos and unhealthy disorder in which it is prone to sinking, but also discovering what to attend to everyday life is rewarding. That it is not a parenthesis within life waiting for something more exciting. It is life itself that goes by while doing it. My first awareness of how it distorted the perception of reality by adorning it was through a work with the teacher in which I discovered:

"The obvious way to look. Using the eyes to see, not for the benefit of the imagination. The staircase was the staircase that I saw at the present moment, not the one I had seen in I don't know what place, or in what movie, or in what museum I don't know how many years before. Nor did he need to be nostalgic about the mountains in the distance, or to try to remember what mood or special circumstance he was in the last time he had seen them. The mountains were there and I looked at them. Now that time has passed and after delving into the inner process, I

realize how this cognitive and emotional distortion led me to separate myself from reality, to not belong to the environment in which life unfolds at every moment".

What was transformative was realizing later how often the mere fact of putting adjectives to reality was a subtle way of discriminating against it, of separating myself from it, of not living it, and I discovered that car or bus trips were not transitory episodes and that everyday tasks made sense if I didn't want to finish them as soon as possible to dedicate myself to what I considered my true life. To learn to savor what is happening at every moment, it helps me a lot to treat myself as if I were a capricious child and repeat to myself: "You have to feed on what is there now because there is nothing else to put in your mouth. Okay, meeting this person or what you have to do today does not excite you. But you can do it without enthusiasm."

I think that for sexual E4 it is essential to systematically prohibit discrimination regarding what life brings you on a daily basis because it is the antidote to inhibit the almost automatic tendency to always go against it and to enjoy being alive.

As a child I was told that I was very imaginative and now, having a more panoramic vision with the time that has passed since then, I know that throughout my life I have invented many stories, I have cultivated legends, I have invented roles and I have embellished reality to survive the hatred I had for myself for being physically clumsy, for having been poor, inadequate, and fearful:

"Overprotected by my grandmother and excessively watched by my father, I have grown up away from the other girls. I am forbidden to go to the park in case bad manners and diseases catch me. Clumsy both in games and in social relations, I try to be the center of attraction at breaks, performing the operettas of my father's theatre. I am half successful, because what I sing to you sounds strange, ridiculous. I cover up the pain of seeing myself inadequate by allying myself with migrant girls. I try to understand them better than anyone. With them I build a separate world against the locals, whom I relegate to the side of the insensitive and mediocre. I kill them internally with hatred and disqualification".

"Actually we lived in straits because my father was a stagehand and not a theater decorator, as he used to say. He also embarrassed me in my neighborhood. He said we were from Montmartre and it wasn't entirely true because our house was much further down the street, on a street that was filling up with whores. It was true that the place had come to less, but the use I made of the data was exaggerated".

"Later, in Madrid, I did not stop lying about my origins and my "great performance" in May 1968. First, that revolution ended before I entered the University. At most, I had lived it from the distance of the institute, where I attended school meetings, and above all it was not the political commitment that interested me because it seemed boring to me. What he had enjoyed was the fashionable sexual freedom and originality of dress. She cultivated the image of a free

and daring girl outwards, knowing inside (and hating me for it) that she was so fearful, she was so terrified of being beaten by the police, that she did not participate in the demonstrations".

The sexual E4 finds it difficult to recognize that he is inventing characters, although it apparently gives him security and makes him interesting, he hates and kills himself. Furthermore, as one works with oneself, one realizes that this unrealistic way of being in the world, with an emphasis on aesthetics, is not harmless but also turns into hatred towards the other, competing with others. him in the name of exquisite sensibility. That this elegant way of attacking is supported by another warrior, forceful, sectarian and Manichaean way of judging others. That in friendship the elitist affinity prevails (tastes, hobbies, opinions and shared moods) over being with the other without having to prove anything.

It is difficult to recognize without deceit or justifications that one is not as empathetic as one thought, that one is clumsy in relating to the other because they lack naturalness in dealings, as if affection were not enough. Observing himself in this, the sexual E4 runs into the narcissism of the subtype: he does not see the other, he is not taken into account, but he sees himself trying to shock him, provoke him, wasting brilliance, humor, etc., to be the protagonist of the encounter.

It is necessary to learn to calm down. The sexual E4 has to come to understand that most of the time he believes what he says, that he explains himself, and he just gets agitated. He has to admit that it is difficult to follow him when he is passionate, that it is difficult to understand him, and not break contact with the interlocutor when that happens. It is necessary to observe how one sends crossed messages when communicating with the other: excess of gestures, sighs, laughter, jumping from one topic to another, seeking complicity, seducing with winks, with understatements... All of these are smoke screens, performances that they are not relevant and mislead the real content of the conversation and the meeting. As one heals, one realizes that this is another way of attacking, of fighting.

This posture of power in front of the world deflates when the sexual E4 is alone. What heals is discovering how orality towards the outside becomes cannibalism towards the inside: not stopping to go around your navel reviewing states of mind, remembering who offended you, ignored you or congratulated you, who agreed and was against, etc. It is necessary, in order to heal, to inhibit the inner chattering and to realize that it leads to freezing one's own existence, it fossilizes it in the past.

On the other hand, the extreme demand for transparent friendships, the impossible search for the ideal friend who understands everything, who shares everything, is to enter a labyrinth with no way out in which one finds oneself face to face with reduced hatred. to the absurd: "My unconditional and perfect friend should be just like me, but it turns out that I hate myself, so there is no solution...". I think that is where the root of hatred is hidden, in touching the true feeling of lack, the real lack. It is better to realize, although it is overwhelming to admit it, that

alone with oneself one tends to want to die because one does not really know who one is, nor what one wants, nor what one desires. It is crucial in the process to recognize the tendency to self-destruction and to want to destroy the other because it highlights lacks that arrogance covers. It helps to better understand some of the subtype to see yourself as a pampered and pampered child when the common thing in the sexual E4 biography is to attribute that to another brother. It is not so easy to accept that one has not been the favorite. It is known but it is necessary to surrender to the evidence without inventing stories, or putting yourself above it, surrendering to the pain that it has been so, that one has not had enough care or attention. The sexual E4 complains, laments, is dissatisfied, suffers a lot but does not let himself be touched completely by what hurts. It is necessary to let him feel deeply, without escaping from the harshness of the discovery with excesses of crying, kicking, hateful exits that distract from the real lack. It is healing to change the complaint and the regret for the conviction that, if you have enough strength to oppose, you also have to face reality, however painful it may be. The latter brings me back to childhood memories of how I defended myself from not being her favorite by competing with my sister with qualities that I had and that she lacked.

With maturity and deepening in the work with the character, the sexual 4 realizes that he continues to be especially vigilant when it comes to affection, that it is difficult for him not to become envious measuring whether he is loved more or less than others. It is healing to cool down the emotion, to stop feeling so much and to settle down realizing how absurd it is to want to control something as uncontrollable as affections and also to deny others what one allows oneself with total freedom: to express love and hate as you like, it comes in handy. So, the path of healing passes through ceasing to feel exceptional (in the sense that everyone is in their own way) and leads to the genuine desire to be equal and to belong. Anger and moodiness often serve to avoid feeling clumsy, tired, depressed... It is healing to soften, not fight, not go against what one considers weakness and recognize oneself in feelings shared by all, including dependence , who is the workhorse of sexual E4 because he flatly refuses to acknowledge her. It is as if his life depended on it because the internal image of being free and independent is so ingrained and distorted. It is true that in most cases he has lacked support in life and has had to manage on his own, but it is necessary to add that the complaints and manipulations of helplessness are so convincing that he easily finds someone to help or rescue him:

"Personally, I know that I have had to walk alone, but I have grabbed onto good trees along the way: my partner, my teacher, people who have stood up for me, teachers who have supported me in difficult times... It was hard to admit that I have been more supported than I thought, and it has been a way of perpetuating dissatisfaction and justifying mistreatment inside and out. It has been difficult for me to dissolve the arrogant attitude of not feeling indebted to anyone, that the good achieved was only due to my personal charm or my own worth instead of the generosity of other people".

The sexual E4 is passionate about the belief that if the merit is not all his, he is left with nothing... Everything and nothing are especially dangerous words for this character because they

open the doors to unreason, to the excess of hateful hell. It is necessary to prohibit oneself from entering there and accept oneself lacking and vulnerable because it humanizes and, while the belief that one has made oneself dissolves, one begins to be able to thank oneself with one's heart. When you get to do it, you realize that you can go your own way, lightened from the burden of counter-dependence.

Stopping putting yourself above or below, in personal relationships it helps integrate aspects of your character that happily project outward. The sexual E4 resists being seen as authoritarian, intolerant and/or rigid. The profound change comes when he becomes aware of how he covers his mouth or intimidates with bad humor, anger, rudeness:

"I find changes in plans especially unbearable: outings, trips, meetings, and I put a bad face on those responsible for these changes as if I would never forgive them for spoiling the party: that is, frustrating the wonderful representation that I made of myself. I can't stand someone showing up at home unexpectedly and making them pay with my bad mood for the unforgivable sin of hindering my plans for the day. The real reason for my anger is that I have not had time to prepare something so that the meeting is not trivial and the rational explanation I give myself to justify my anger is that there will be no food, when it is obvious that the fridge is full..."

In these cases, it helps to put yourself in the other person's shoes to face the effects caused by the hateful behavior. For that it is healing to develop the receptive attitude towards the outside, which the subtype lacks. It helps to capture how often others tend to be diplomatic with you. It is good to take seriously the suspicion of feeling feared. It is transformative to investigate, ask and above all listen to the answer. Listen to feedback regarding harshness, aggressiveness, and outbursts without defending yourself with the hackneyed tagline: "Yes, it's true, I'm that nasty, and you more so!" Recognizing yourself as harmful helps to take away the right to attack when something bothers and hurts. It is a good shock for the subtype to realize that they do not have the exclusivity to be offended by the lack of consideration of others. In any case, it is healing to delve into this, to ask why the other is denied being offended when one is so sensitive to the offense.

Focus on the difficulty of listening and developing receptivity: "Teamwork has served me a lot, to reeducate the little savage that I have inside and give full strength to competitiveness: the resistance to share, to produce, to carry out tasks, hinder the common project. It is healing to observe how one becomes hypersensitive and systematically refers to things that others say (especially the bad ones)".

It is healing to inhibit the manipulation of feeling bad, of not putting up with it, because it is the egoic and indirect way of obtaining more power:

"Teamwork has helped me to socialize and discipline myself so as not to make tragedies of the misunderstandings inherent to the friction of coexistence. It has helped me to realize that I

have a good head, that I am capable of thinking, making decisions and developing common sense: I am on this team because I need to work and I need others because I cannot handle everything alone".

In the work as a therapist, it is crucial for the sexual 4 to give credence to his ability to permeate the emotional atmosphere of the group, especially with regard to veiled aggressiveness. Transforming this ability into a therapeutic tool means being careful not to get intoxicated by swallowing or acting out the conflict and pointing out to the group how they become intoxicated and attack without conscience.

In individual work, one learns to inhibit the tendency to solve the other's life. Often one rushes to make a quick composition of place regarding how the other is and what happens to him. The craft helps the sexual therapist to realize how rushed he is to give back, and that the quick conclusions he makes serve to gloss over feeling insecure, awkward, uninspired. It is healing to endure emptiness or to say to the patient: "I don't know how to help you", or "I don't understand you", or "How does what I give you resonate with you?"

Everything said above regarding inhibiting hateful behaviors, developing empathy and recognizing aspects that you tend not to want to see, means taking charge, self-observing, correcting yourself, trying to improve and above all play it down.

De-dramatization

The dramatization boycotts the task. For example:

"In the current situation of political and economic uncertainty and the loss of civil rights, I find myself believing myself condemned to unemployment and liable to be expelled from the country like a poor emigrant, until I realize the drama that I am inventing and that obviously I am not. It has nothing to do with reality".

In order to heal, the sexual E4 has to develop, regarding his process and his life, a vision of continuity. It is healing to learn from one's own experience so as not to systematically fall back into the hells that the subtype is prone to getting into. You have to connect the dots between what is now and what was, so as not to be dramatically attached to the past and to be in the present. It is healing to get rid of the crazy idea that everything has to be changed, as if one could start living from scratch, that what is there is worthless, that everything has to be done, and to stop complaining about not having realized it before ego blindness:

"Often, any reproach made against me, no matter how small, I see as a disqualification of my entire person. Although it is disheartening to discover it, it is important to highlight how much fragility is hidden under the apparent ease and security of the character that one has built".

The sexual E4 has to understand that the dramatic excesses are shocks so as not to focus on what really matters: specific performances of the day in which it has been exceeded, has been

clumsy or has screwed up, and that this does not mean eternal damnation, but rather leaving behind the undervalued or overvalued self-image (believing oneself the worst of the bastards and having no remedy or the most authentic and with the right to attack).

To heal, it is necessary to inhibit the temptation to internally caricature yourself as a dangerous monster or a moron.

It is transformative to discover how dramatic exaggeration often engulfs issues of guilt. From the outside, it is not difficult to recognize the sexual E4 as deeply guilty. However, the experience of having denied guilt due to overconfidence in the veracity of the impulse is common to the subtype. One does not admit guilt because guilt is a natural state in which one systematically and robotically apologizes without knowing why. Healing involves taking charge, being aware of when it really hurts the other. Asking for forgiveness also involves forgiving oneself naturally, without dramatizing, without hitting oneself in the chest, without giving oneself too much importance, because hatred is rekindled again.

Transformation happens by disciplining yourself, by not forgetting how easily you enter into the aggression/blame/aggression dynamic and try to nip it in the bud. For that it is necessary to develop the intellect, to stop blindly trusting emotion as absolute truth. It is necessary to develop a vision of the future, to project oneself there and draw on the experience: one knows that the pleasure of exploiting does not last long compared to the remorse and guilt that torment later.

Being attentive to this aspect of character helps to leave behind the attachment to masochism and to develop social skills at the same time.

For the sexual E4 it is transformative to accept that he is not impervious to criticism or bad opinions that may be held of him. That it is good to think before acting, and say to yourself: "The little act that I am going to put on now, how many enemies is it going to make me? Is it worth getting into there if I am going to regret it later?" Because you are not as strong as you appear. Regarding discord, the sexual E4 makes water, gets confused, shields itself or confronts the beast. When he realizes that he no longer cultivates curses. It changes the perspective of oneself and of life: he wants to be accepted, recognized and loved and it is bad business for one to go against it.

When you accept that you are afraid, you recognize that others can also attack you, get fed up with you, leave you standing. It is not a lack of courage or laziness, as is often recriminated. One is not going to disappear from the face of the earth if he agrees to be fearful. It is healing to develop prudence. For the sexual E4, it is wise to agree socially, take care of one's own interests, of the environment, get out of dissatisfaction and begin to be well in the world.

Development of compassion

For the sexual E4 subtype it is a matter of will to pacify. A kind of mental and spiritual gymnastics to feel good and cultivate well-being.

Compassion is recognizing that one is made of the same stuff as others. That each one is as it is, has its own biography and trajectory in life and that we all do what we can. That we are all equal parts sons of bitches and sons of God, as Perls said, although sexual E4 tends to be valued high or low.

If one recognizes himself dependent on the other, he becomes more autonomous, does his own thing, stops interfering with the other, there is no need to hate him if he does not think, feel or think the same.

Developing compassion means not defending oneself from what worries one by anticipating misfortunes: stop being a doomsayer, become stoic with pain, feeling it alone when it comes is giving one a truce and not encouraging good coexistence to become a battlefield, because for the sexual E4 it is a learning experience to discover that being calm and in harmony with the environment is not living at half speed, but rather a state to which we all naturally aspire. It is essential to come to understand that one does not deserve the mistreatment that is given or the one that is given to others. That living is complex and simple at the same time that you don't have to take anything from life, don't stop to think if you like it or not, if you love it or not, just breathe.

Breathing is listening to the body, becoming aware of how one accelerates robotically. Compassion is realizing how one exhausts oneself and how it overwhelms and tenses the environment. It is necessary to stop the blender that is carried within and spend the excess energy in another direction, towards work, enjoyment and creativity. It is not a frivolous and superficial attitude, it is pure gratitude for being alive. There is nothing better to do in life. Being like this is living. Stop, try what life brings, get to know and then give your opinion. Know and then judge.

For me, developing compassion is letting go of the frown, not twitching, loosening up the muscles, standing back, laughing at myself. Realizing that it is not a crime to be wrong, that I am not going to sink if I admit it, nor is the world going to stop, although egoically I would like it to.

To become compassionate is also to recover one's self-esteem, to feel worthy. It is not about a solemn or arrogant attitude but an open, benevolent, natural way of putting oneself in life. Personally, he related it to giving up the excesses of histrionics:

"I know that I have to be careful, because the tendency to trivialize or frivolize what I want to say is pure automatism, and I often realize it later because of the bad taste in my mouth. It is like degrading myself, selling myself cheap, not standing firm in what I stand for, losing my footing and thus attacking myself and deceiving the other".

Compassion is to continue working with oneself knowing that the runaway horse of hate cannot always be stopped: watch oneself and not persecute oneself. Compassion is looking inside and surrendering to the evidence that if you have so much capacity to hate, you have the same capacity to love.

The difficulty that the subtype finds to maintain the loving attitude is to confuse sweetness and benevolence with cloying. One fears dissolving into the world, turning gray, losing one's place, disappearing. The sexual E4 has to come to understand that this is a crazy idea, a cognitive distortion; what sounds like inauthenticity and pastry is actually letting yourself be guided by the true loving feeling that flows naturally when you stop beating yourself up.

I have been learning all this in meetings with friends, when I realized the pleasure it gave me to listen to them, recognize their gestures, their way of laughing and speaking so well-known and comforting for being so, and also enjoying not understanding them at all. times, but being there and laughing and shutting up a bit and taking a break from always wanting to be the center of attention.

Compassion is giving the arm to twist, losing in emotional intensity and gaining in lucidity: realizing that everything is simpler than you imagined, that one has a very bad temper and a very good heart.