E5 Sexual – Trust

The word trust would be the basic issue for the sexual five. Among them there are many poets or artists. Nijinsky was such a five. He had an extreme expressiveness, but cut in many ways.

If you try to find the difference between the sexual E5 and the other subtypes of the five, it will not be easy. But if you go into conversation with them, you'll hear them say that they feel very passionate about a person; usually about a person they can't find in their lives. Here occurs a case similar to the extraordinary in the search for the social five — the extraordinary would be what is at the top of the totem pole: the sexual E5 seeks a very tall exemplar. The same goes for love: this subtype is on a quest for absolute love, and their quest is so strong that if you are the one being sought, it is very difficult to pass the test. If someone is looking for the absolute, it is very easy for him to be disappointed.

We have to understand this passionate search in the sense of trust, of being able to trust the other: the sexual E5 is looking for that person who will be for him and with him, regardless of how or what, far beyond normal vows of an engagement or marriage. The thought of the sexual five is that he has to be able to present himself to you with the worst of his inner world, and that you, as his partner, should maintain complete equanimity in the face of his inner monsters, since he loves you so much…

So he lives the love of a couple as a kind of ideal, but it is an ideal that does not exist in the world of humans. The sexual E5 is quite romantic — this is the minus five of the E5s. They can be very similar to the other five until you hit the romantic point: then a vibrant inner life will be awakened. Chopin can be a good example of it. Who if not the most romantic among composers? Chopin was more of an aristocrat. He was a bit stiff. Someone who knew him quite well—Liszt's mistress—said of him that she was like an oyster with icing: he wasn't very open, he wasn't open to deep intimacy, except with one or two people in his life. Chopin came from Poland and came to France as a teenager, but he did not make any new friends in France. He was in the center of high society, and his whole sentimental life was replaced by music.

The transformation in sexual E5 by Mireia Darder

Claudia López (Argentina), María Luiza Duarte Frade (Brazil), Javier Egurzegui (Bilbao), Nick Gardner (United Kingdom), Mireia Darder (Barcelona), Andrés Waksman (Uruguay) and Víctor Arans (Barcelona) have collaborated in contributing their experiences for the description of the process of transformation of sexual ennea-type five.

Ennea-type five characters live in an internal world in which reason and objectivity are king. At the same time, we believe in unconditional love as a fantastic aspiration, and we think of ourselves as having the capacity to give it, just as we hope to find a person who will take us out

of our isolation and dryness. And so we can live indefinitely, while we observe what happens around us in a detached way.

We isolate ourselves, we do not expect anything from others and we do not trust life; both people and life itself constitute a cosmos located behind a glass that separates us from everything. From there we observe what happens outside as something foreign to us out of fear and guilt of existing. On the one hand, we experience any relationship with the outside as threatening, which in the best of cases will cause us pain. At the same time, deep down, we feel guilty when interacting with others because we feel that we can get in their way. We believe that if we don't need and we are self-sufficient we can subsist, and that way they won't hurt us and we won't. We experience the emotional world as threatening and complicated, as something we can do without, since it causes displeasure. Therefore, we prefer not to get emotionally involved and remain in the role of observers of life. This same non-involvement gives us a certain emotional infantilism and at the same time an inhibited hypersensitivity, since we do not put our own emotions into practice.

"When I was young, I remember walking down the street watching everything that was going on outside like a movie that I was just an observer of and couldn't get into. I felt very distressed and disconnected from everything."

In family relationships, there is usually a disconnection with the parents: the sexual five does not feel connected to them, and this disconnection coexists with a dependency out of necessity. In many cases the bond with the mother has not existed or has been broken, in others it has been a cold bond or has been experienced as aggressive. The wound in the bond usually occurs in the first months of life, when the baby has not yet established the differentiation between the world and himself through the maternal bond.

"In the first months of my life I had two episodes of separation from my mother, which I do not remember, but which left me with the feeling that the world was not a safe or pleasant place to live. The first episode was when I almost drowned in childbirth, with the consequent disconnection. The second was at nine months: I became dehydrated and my vital signs dropped for a few days. I was between life and death and they operated on me to save me. For all this I was hospitalized, without the presence of my mother, who was in another hospital because she was pregnant with my sister and was at risk of losing her".

The sexual five has closed in on himself, creating a safe internal world, full of ideas, theories, romantic fantasies and utopias about the search for unconditional love. In this way, it is separated from the outside world, which lives as dangerous and full of obstacles before which it is better not to show oneself, to inhibit oneself emotionally and wait for the right person to appear with whom we can exist and show ourselves as we are, since she, in our fantasy will accept us unconditionally and we will then be able to live, with the security obtained, everything

that we do not dare to live in the world. Waiting for that encounter, the only time we allow ourselves to be ourselves is when we are alone, feeling isolated in everyday life.

"I grew up in a relationship. From the age of ten we played at being boyfriends, at fourteen we really became boyfriends, and until we were twenty-one we were together. I always believed that the relationship would last a lifetime, and when he broke it off, I felt like the world was falling apart. It was the biggest break of my life, as a result of which I realized what the world was really like. It took me a long time to recover. It was the longest relationship of my life."

Our fantasy is that we hope to be able to be and dare to love when the partner who understands us finally appears. In this way, we believe that we can be ourselves totally, and we can become very demanding with the other, given the extreme expectations placed on him. That person is an idealization and, as such, it is impossible for him to exist. At the beginning of a relationship, it can be felt that the other is everything, but as it progresses, it is seen that the person is human, with the consequent frustration, before which we inhibit ourselves emotionally with the consequent isolation. Until basic relationship and affection needs accumulate that demand to be satisfied and must be channeled again. Then someone chosen is sought to tell confidences to or a new partner is sought to start over.

We E5s feel neurotically different and we want to be different: a difference that happens because we don't feel the same emotions as others and we don't move in life due to thirst for power and consumerist desires. We have given up being and existing as a way of surviving, we have given up showing our feelings. We try to give up our needs as well, prioritizing knowledge as a way to control life. Thus, emotional non-dependence is guaranteed, except for that of the partner, in this case being an exaggerated dependency.

"I studied psychology because I didn't understand myself at all. I did not understand what was happening with my body and my sexuality, I experienced everything as someone else's. I didn't understand anything about the others either: they were moved by things that didn't affect me. I hoped to find in the faculty the tools that would help me. In the race I found a lot of scientific knowledge, basically behaviorism, that did not connect with me. A few months before finishing I had some panic attacks, I didn't know what I had to do with my life. It was only when I discovered humanistic psychology and started receiving therapy that I was able to validate my feelings and sensations and understand myself more."

The path of transformation

The first step for transformation is to be able to realize the existence of an internal world in which one lives detached from reality, both in romantic fantasies of finding unconditional love and in catastrophic fantasies about what can happen if one falls apart. shows and opens. Being able to realize that you live in an extreme world of fantasy, that you are not in contact with reality, is the first step towards change.

The transformation begins when you leave the world of reason and you can give way to sensation, to the recognition of needs, to be able to feel as an integral part of the world, without having so much need for isolation. It is important to realize that the body is the place where one can feel likes and dislikes, and from there we can know what one needs and wants.

"I did bodywork and the first time I moved my hip in five years, I felt like I was breaking in half; I thought it had to be stiff."

When one gives oneself permission to exist and leaves renunciation as a way of life, a psychological change can take place that influences the way of thinking. This new way of thinking influences the senses; see, hear, hear, feel, taste, touch, do and not do. In addition, the lost senses are recovered, which is equivalent to recovering life itself, so little felt, so dry for a sexual five.

For all of the above to be possible, it is necessary to go through the process of psychologically killing the parents: with it all the introjects that we have swallowed about how we have to be and act will die, and that have led us to paralysis and isolation, to the compartmentalization.

"For me it was very important to be able to see my parents as people who had flaws and who were normal. When I first took an Enneagram course and was able to put a trait on them, I felt like I was freed from their yoke. Later, when I did the Hoffman Process, I was able to experience letting go of them and felt very free and individualized."

When we finally begin to loosen the chains that bind us to our parents and we can feel more rooted in life, the heart also opens and, in turn, a feeling of being the authors of our own destiny emerges, recovering the father figure or inner authority, castrated by an overly authoritarian family member.

It is necessary to get out of the demands to which we were subjected, from the invasion suffered, to detach ourselves from the internal parents and kill them psychologically, so that we can assert ourselves in our own way of doing things and of being, as a first step to being able to feel and live from ourselves. Thus, we can leave behind the fear and guilt of existing, externalize what is happening to us and feeling, finding the right to be as we are. We will be able to leave ourselves more in peace and not be so judgmental with ourselves, at the same time that we will realize that we can get out of isolation to be able to satisfy our needs pleasantly. We will be able to understand that the risk of feeling can be acceptable and that living with more emotion can lead to pleasant results. We will be able to let the trains pass in front of us without catching them, but we can also get on one and enjoy it, and suffer and verify that we have not yet disappeared, nor have they annihilated us. We will be able to accept the fullest reality, without partializing it, without previous schemes, we will be able to sustain the emptiness of not knowing and daring to feel, taking charge of our own lives along the path that we want, without prior determination.

In this way, sometimes we will come into contact with the sensation of happiness and achievement, at other times we will feel pain and sadness, and we will accept anger giving ourselves the right to express it, going from dryness and inhibition to being able to feel alive and vital.

Without the influences of fear, guilt and ghosts that limited our existence, we will be able to live the deep meaning of life and we will recover the open and clear ability to communicate with others: set and remove limits, transforming fear towards others into love. that arises spontaneously in contact with the other, etc.

If before we gave materially, as a way to compensate for our de-emotionalization towards the other, now we give and take. As Fritz Perls might say, we now bite and chew well in every way, as a result of the loss of fear, mistrust and the feeling of poverty of spirit.

In the transformation process, undergoing therapy can help us establish a bond with the therapist and see that nothing is happening, that we remain there and are changing and being accepted as we are. Such a process helps us to be able to accept ourselves without judgment and to incarnate ourselves in the corporeal.

"One of the things that excited me the most in therapy was that my therapist validated what was happening to me and helped me express it without restrictions, telling me that "what happens to you is okay, you have the right to feel that", without questioning me."

What is useful for the beginning of the path of a sexual five, can also be used for other beginnings of the path: trust and risk letting yourself be touched by others and by life.

In the process we went from being good boys to rebels, and from rebels to good women and men. We stop being passive subjects, observers of our life and the world, to become the protagonists of our own existential path. At last we dare to love without more anyone we can find, giving what we are without the need to retain or accumulate for when there is none. We can establish unions, we are capable of having feelings and expressing them in the here and now. We can be part of life at all times, taking it all in its entirety. We can feel that we are part of a group with others, that we belong. We dare to express what we think and are even in adverse circumstances, and we can be with someone because we love them and not just for practicality.

"One of the first times I dared to show my emotionality was teaching. I felt that I had been mediocre, I felt that I had not done well, and I expressed it. What was my surprise to see that the others valued me very positively and that they had liked my way of teaching."

What serves in the transformation process

Emotional expression is basic to be able to enter the transformation process. Gestalt therapy can be an important tool as it promotes expression. Expressing and asking for a little more than what

you think you need from people in general — and not just your partner — is an effective way of not isolating yourself.

It is necessary to commit to life, to psychotherapy, to have a partner, children, to risk living. And, of course, it helps to go through the ego crusher, that is, the SAT Program.

The type of therapy that can help the sexual five is one that values the spontaneous, that excuses and promotes letting oneself be what one is, without too much theory. Not demanding oneself and leaving oneself alone sometimes implies, paradoxically, recognizing the need for isolation that one may have and not demanding oneself to be what one is not.

The connection with the body as a path towards the recovery of the senses is fundamental! This is especially useful for body work as a way to recover lost energy and vitality. To the extent that one feels vital, he can go out into the world, to meet the other. The body is also the place where you can feel your needs and, from there, be able to satisfy them. In body work, the important thing may be to recover the feeling of rootedness in the earth and, in this way, the energy.

Working with sexuality, as a place of pleasure and enjoyment, can help to find unknown parts of oneself, or with places that did not seem to exist before. In another sense, learning to relax and stretch your muscles can help you feel more fluid.

Meditation weakens the negative impulses of our ego and frees us from other aspects that imprison the healthy mind. In it you can experience experiences of feeling united to the world and of belonging to it, even of recovering the will to live, which means a fundamental step to open up.

Voluntary work, such as involvement in some type of social work, where one can interact, discuss with others and carry out tasks without expecting anything in return or any remuneration, are especially indicated. Ideally, it would be interesting if it were work to help marginalized groups, or if there was an involvement with children or animals, as a way of having contact with the real world without it being experienced as threatening from the beginning.

Being able to recover the link with the nurturing mother, once the introjected, demanding, absent and at the same time invasive mother has died, serves to feel that there is no separation, that we are part of the same thing. Through this bond, the key to loving and being loved is opened in a fluid way, wanting to stop filling it only through the couple. That is when, finally, the sexual five can be filled with love to give it without exclusive or very selective relationships, and can love life and people in general for the simple fact of existing. The work will go through opening the circle of relationships in which we are able to express our emotions and allow that flow to nourish us spontaneously, so that we can verify that the exchange is necessary so as not to stay dry.

Experimenting with forms of expression such as art, dance, poetry, creating stories or tales, in a way that can give an outlet to what is happening internally, will put our healing process on the path of maturity.