Childhood

The attachment model expressed in adulthood by the Self-Preservation 1 is that of a person who is concerned and keeps their distance. This attitude is related to the influence of distant and ambivalent parental figures. Parents have been very demanding regarding their child’s behavior. On one hand, they punished “inappropriate” displays of attachment, spontaneous expressions of the child's needs, and inability to meet high standards of independence and performance; on the other hand, they approved and rewarded obedient and compliant behaviors that met their expectations. The result is that children try very hard to be "good children."

-"Hey, move!" "Be good!" were constant commands. My needs were completely ignored. At the time, I wasn’t aware of the need for a hug, but I wanted to go out and play. Nothing. "Stay still, don’t move, stay in the chair!" Constantly isolated, my needs didn’t exist. I think if I went outside, they would have to worry about me being

out there, but they weren’t willing to care about that. But the "don’t move!"—I remember that. Sitting in a chair and the simple fact of being restless while sitting there was boring because they kept telling me: "Don’t move, I couldn’t even sit still!" That’s what I have in mind. Since I was older, I had to show my sisters the way, how to behave well. I felt very pressured in a certain sense. QUIQUE SEGUE -In my childhood, no one listened to me or saw me. I was a bother, so I became invisible. They would send me on errands, I was the “do-it-all girl” for the adults around me. When I think about what I was to the adults besides being a bother, the image that always comes to mind is that of a puppy being told: “Give me your paw.” I identify with the puppy because I had to be funny when they decided. All the adults dominated me, I didn’t feel protected by my parents, but demanded by everyone. My feelings were of loneliness and lack of communication, of having to do everything right, of not causing problems. BLANCA MARTINEZ -I was an energetic child, very restless. I wouldn’t stop talking, telling stories to everyone. I liked jumping and fighting, like a little warrior. My mother wanted me to be good, and my father wanted me to be stronger and more aggressive than I could and wanted to be. They pulled me in two directions. They didn’t teach me to move, they didn’t play with me. Over time, I became a taciturn and withdrawn boy with a clumsy body, who could hardly do anything on my own. Some people thought I might have Asperger’s. CRISTIANO MORENO

In the childhood of the Self-Preservation 1, there is an early experience of emotional dissatisfaction due to the pressure of excessive demands, little recognition, and a narrow range of approved behaviors. Hoping for more approval or intimacy, the child tries to be better and often finds themselves in a constant state of frustration, which triggers their excessive worry about being good, perfect. In short, they are children who, due to the unattainable demands of their family environment, end up with an inner speech of self-hatred, feeling incapable of meeting their parents’ expectations.

-“I get really angry about it... I was like that when I was small and they wouldn’t let me do anything. ‘This is because I said so!’ But why can’t I...? ‘No! Because I say so! Stay still! Don’t do that!’ In the ‘because I said so,’ the discussion ended. It was like this constantly. ‘Don’t do that!’ ‘Well, now you have to go buy something.’ And there were six adults above me, and I had to do everything they said, I couldn't oppose anything. I would go, forget to buy whatever!” “Go up there!” “Do this!” BLANCA MARTINEZ -My mother always commanded me. “Bring it to me! Find me! Put it on the floor! Take this there!! ‘No, here below! Don’t you know I always keep it there?!’ ‘Are you stupid or what?’ ‘You’re not listening to me!’ ‘You would go to the sea and wouldn’t find water!’ ‘Get out of here, leave me alone, you’re worth nothing!’ The yelling was constant; in my case, it was verbal abuse. MERCE FALCÃO

-Although I saw the opposite in my parents, I had to control my emotions to always be the way they wanted. I knew that the more I needed them, the more they would reject me, blame me for being bad. They had greater sadness and anger. Both were controlling, and I feared their questions. I knew they didn’t really care about what happened to me, but about a “child of straw” with my name. A wrong answer, a wrong opinion, a strange way of speaking... could lead to even greater emotional pain, so I learned to measure, avoid, and control myself. CRISTIANO MORENO

It is common for the perfectionist’s family to have one parent with an excessive sense of duty. In other cases, we find parental figures who legitimize their position through anger, or families with experiences of madness, outbursts of rage, or a strong tendency to overvalue themselves. The effort to improve oneself is encouraged not only by a climate of little love but also by the desire to adopt the perfectionist model of one's parents.

For some, it is a common experience to experience one of the parental figures as cold and distant, or feared for their severity and authoritarian and devaluing behavior, on one hand, and admired for their strength and power, on the other. In general, childhood is denied and, deep down, humiliated.

-It was military training. At home, there was constant training: "Don’t move! Bam. Stay here! Bam." And then, when you left, they gave you instructions before you went out: “Hey, we’re good here.” So you fulfilled your role and got your quota of approval, love... let’s say approval. I remember my mother was proud when they said, “Ah, look at this boy, how small he is and how serious he looks.” This was encouraged, this was rewarded: “Look how well the child behaves, like a man!” How small he is and how big he looks.” And they sold it to you, with another dose of reinforcement, and another dose. SÉRGIO ISLA

The relationship with the mother is often cold and distant, or the maternal figures are very demanding and normative, or awkward in expressing affection, with little emotional expression; or, in the other polarity, they are very emotional, usually with anger, hate, or pain. They can be very emotional characters, but the relationship with the child is cold, with no physical contact or warm emotional expression in the bond. In this sense, we are talking about a child who is emotionally neglected.

This self-reforming structure is developed to face a relationship of excessive demands and expectations, whether from rigidity by one of the parents, or from parental figures with feelings of dissatisfaction or a lack of oral tendencies, which will ultimately create high levels of stress and frustration in the children.

-I was a girl who had to be invisible, and no one cared about my emotional well-being. They took care of other things, like I had an avalanche, like I went to

school... My mother never came close, she just never tried. And if I ever told her anything, she wouldn’t pay attention to me. BLANCA MARTINEZ -When your mother hates you, you feel like you have no reason to exist, the world becomes very difficult without love, life becomes a desert where no plant grows. You don’t deserve life, you feel a very deep sense of devaluation. MERCE FALCÃO

Self-Preservation 1s tend to be children who grow up in very normative and demanding environments, with direct or indirect disqualifications, and most likely relate to parental figures who engage in criticism, emotional blackmail, or offensive sermons, making them aware that any act or expression of emotion can trigger disproportionate responses from the parents that hurt their sensitivity or question their worth. On the other hand, they are usually the oldest child, the only child, or are often compared to their siblings.

-“Look at your brother, how good he is: he studies, doesn’t move, is obedient, does this, that.” Always with standards to compare. Since I was little, I had to do things well, behave well. It's been embedded in me since childhood. It was a “look at your brother,” and I became very rebellious, argumentative, and restless. Later, possibly, what I did was suppress that. I felt like they didn’t love me, or not as much as they loved my brother. And besides that, "the one who loved me," who was my father, died when I was 11. So, I retreated even more and adapted to being studious. At that moment, I knew what they expected from me. Well, I’ll forge the change in my personality to be more serious, more responsible, independent, and correct. LOLA REBOREDO

Often, the father is a background figure, quite absent, whether due to real absence, being focused on work, divorce, death, or emotional absence. Other times, he is a model of a rigid and hardworking man, an emotionally unreachable father, or someone perceived as a threatening figure.

My father worked from seven in the morning until ten at night, and it was like this for years. He woke up earlier and arrived when I was already asleep. I find it curious that, despite not being at home, my confrontations were with my father, perhaps because my mother would "refer" to him in moments of conflict: "I'll tell your father when he gets home."

Many were "parentified" children, who took care of one of their parents' physical or emotional needs. This can happen in cases of divorce: the child realizes that the father is unavailable for the mother, or vice versa, or receives messages like: "Now that your father/mother is not here, you have to help me," which creates a great sense of responsibility. Sometimes, an older sibling plays a parental role for the younger ones. There may have been problems at home, a separation, an illness, or one of the parents died. Perhaps the child realized that their parents needed care and protection; in any case, the child takes on the role of the savior and ends up believing in that role. "Parentified" children

take their actions very seriously and feel honored to take them on, which can lead them to feel responsible, omnipotent, and older than they are, hence their seriousness.

However, the price to pay is the detachment from one's own emotional needs and the feeling of obligation to meet expectations that are far beyond their developmental growth.

Putting aside the role of a child to take on an adult role, with the responsibilities it entails, prevents emotional development, which will affect their self-concept. Additionally, the process often generates resentment, given the accumulated anger that isn't released, and also the fear of not meeting expectations, as the child compares themselves to adults and ends up not feeling good enough. Therefore, they will tend to achieve their goals through preparation and effort, working many hours, and will have difficulty disconnecting.

-Before getting married, my mother was a piano teacher and gave lessons, but she stopped when I was born. Then, she started working with my father, and she was the one who handled the administration; they both threw themselves into that. Later, with my father's absence, I think due to the work I've been doing, my mother somewhat made me her substitute. — Sérgio Isla -When my parents divorced, I was about six years old. When my father came to pick me up after school, he told me, "Take care of your mother." Since that "take care of your mother," I started putting myself in my father's shoes. And also, since my mother is very emotionally intense, I have to take care of her; someone has to keep the sanity at home. — Merce Falcão -I have the feeling that I've already had children. Since I am the oldest sibling, I've always been aware of my younger siblings. They were a responsibility for me because I worked to ensure that the company provided enough for all of us to secure our savings. It has always been like that. — Sérgio Isla

Guilt from being a disturbance

In relation to a very normative and restrictive parental figure, children feel like they are a bother. In some cases, the mother, either implicitly or explicitly, conveys this message to them. Sometimes, through positive reinforcement, they boast to others about how good their child is because they are quiet or don't cause problems; in other cases, when the mother's expression is accompanied by the demand for silence or inactivity, whether with yelling, anger, or hatred, the children begin to feel guilty for existing.

-I was a restless child who had to be a good son, so I developed bruxism. When I was eight, my parents took me to the doctor: "Look, doctor, this child wakes us up at night grinding his teeth." "This child needs activity." So they enrolled me in a martial

arts academy, and it improved a little, but I always had that tension, that went all the way to my jaw. Maybe that’s why, throughout my life, I sought out risk sports, riding my bike and going far, climbing, free climbing, skydiving, bungee jumping—always seeking sensations. That lack of emotion was covered by bodily sensations. — Sérgio Isla

The child doesn’t understand clearly and becomes confused about why the parental figure is so harsh and distant, or even hostile, which can lead to a difficult and incomplete identification with them. In some cases, the child has a very close relationship with the mother, attentive, overly protective, and with many expectations regarding the child. When the mother invades or is intrusive, an ambiguous and tangled emotional relationship, sometimes symbiotic, is established with her, which will later cause issues in the child’s individuation-separation process.

In other cases, a distant and demanding father is accompanied by a symbiotic and shy mother, who follows her partner’s dictates, making the child repeatedly experience betrayal.

Many children from this subtype develop adult-like responsibility and seriousness early on. Very quickly, the space of the child’s world, made up of play, freedom, and carefree moments, becomes limited, increasingly occupied by duties and responsibilities. Playing and having fun become transgressions, while it’s considered normal for the child to take on responsibilities, leading, for instance, to caring for younger siblings. This shapes the meticulous and educated little boy or girl, who prematurely becomes autonomous and responsible and aspires only to be good and diligent or, even more so, virtuous like a saint. All of this turns into a way to distinguish oneself and feel better than one is, obtaining special privileges. Their intentional virtue becomes the means through which they seek to buy love.

The character structure is completed at a later stage of development, while, in the dialectic of parental education, the child becomes independent early on, denying the normal needs for love and dependence.

-There was a sister before me, who was born seven months before. Back then, there were no incubators, and after just over a month, she passed away. I was born exactly eleven months later. The only thing I know is that at home, I always had the feeling that I was a bother, and since I can remember, all I wanted was to go there. — Blanca Martinez -You created me to hate myself, mother. Why is your matter? Mine is that I collected fear, distrust, the control of not letting me be alone. And go beyond them, observe them, leave them aside, don’t listen to the judge. Mine is to feel the innocence of the girl within. — Merce Falcão

The Escape

One way to escape from an oppressive relationship or environment, with no freedom to move, is to leave your normative and private home very early. Most Self-Preservation 1 individuals, during adolescence, are already independent and live outside the family home, with the feeling of escaping from a cage where they felt imprisoned.

-I moved to another city to continue studying, and I didn’t party much. Living far from my family, from my mother, didn’t make me let my hair down too much, but I did what I wanted. I felt free and independent, and I didn’t have that voice inside me telling me: "This, that, here, there." Relief, a relief. — Lola Rebordo

In some cases, faced with a conflicting family environment, other types of escape may occur, such as choosing to escape inward, into a sort of internal exile.

-I always felt attached to my home. There, I had daily family conflicts, with my parents, with myself, with my brother, with the world, a furious feeling of suffocation and that everything was wrong. But it was my safe place, and I really didn’t want to leave, because I didn’t feel I had the resources and teachings necessary to step into a world that could be even worse. I locked myself in my room, with the computer I work on, and with a view of the mountains and the repeater of my city. There, I distanced myself from the darkness of everyone else to focus on my own and my projects. The only solution I found was not to fix anything at home, but within myself, to mature and be free: both from my environment and from myself. — Cristiano Moreno

The Injustice

Self-Preservation 1s define themselves as fundamentally ethical people, specialized in understanding whether something is just or not. The inclination towards ethics, justice, or morality, believing they know what is right or wrong, stems from the childhood feeling of experiencing injustice.

They grow up with the feeling of not being seen or recognized. Their defense mechanisms, by repressing, containing, and rationalizing their emotions, lead them to disconnect from their needs. As a result, they end up instinctively cutting off their emotions from various fronts.

-What felt unjust was that I was constantly compared to my brother and wasn't accepted as I was; the greatest injustice was that I thought you weren’t suited to the canon established by your parents, and they didn’t allow you to do what you wanted. “A girl must be good, quiet, she doesn’t need to respond.” And, of course, I was the complete opposite of the canons they had for a girl. — Lola Rebordo -There’s one situation I remember with bitterness: my father got mad at me and said, "You should be grateful because I gave you life," and from my soul, I responded, "I didn’t ask for it, I couldn’t choose. You have no idea what fell upon me." "Ungrateful, punished." Well, I didn’t understand. — Quique Segue

Inside, the child feels innocence and is aware of the efforts made to do things right, which is not seen or recognized by their parental figures, while the anger— the true driving force of their character— boils internally from a prolonged sense of injustice.

-I had to do tasks that "came from me," and my parents never did anything with me. What seemed most unjust was that I owed you my life after placing a suicide note in front of them, and my father blamed me, while my mother did nothing. Years later, I understood that love doesn’t begin with "justice," but with simple acceptance. — Cristiano Moreno

At an emotional level, the child feels that the treatment they receive is not fair, which then fuels the internal engine of anger born from a sense of injustice. This gives rise to the child’s resentful reaction, deciding to do everything alone, abandoning and repressing the needs for tenderness and dependence, with a drive for perfection to meet the high expectations of their parents. That’s why they don’t usually ask for help and always try to handle things on their own. Neglected needs lead to more anger and resentment, which on a deep level express the cry of the ignored and abandoned inner child.

In some cases, faced with a conflicting family environment, other types of escape may occur, such as choosing to escape inward, into a sort of internal exile.