Childhood

For the Self-Preservation 2, childhood is a reality they try to imagine fantastically to avoid facing frustration and pain, and at the same time, it becomes an existential condition in front of life, assuming the role of being a child forever, even if they don’t see themselves as such.

In childhood, they are shaped into that beautiful child everyone desires because they evoke the tenderness that is so lacking in the family and society.

Anonymous Testimony

Note from my mother in my baby book: "She is generally a healthy, lively, playful, and good girl, as she does not cry constantly. A bit daring for her age [one year], she likes to climb wherever she can and reach things that are within her grasp, and even those that aren't. Regards, her mom."

Vivid Childhood Memories

Since I was little, I always felt very desired by my parents. I felt like my older brother and I were the "jewels" of my parents: having two children, first the boy and then the girl. I felt tremendous vitality, danced a lot, never stopped, wanted to hug and kiss everyone, always smiling, ready for everything. Before I was four, I was completely free, as if my spirit had no boundaries, and neither did my body.

Cati Preciado’s Testimony

Growing up with cotton wool seems very characteristic of the Self-Preservation 2, although cotton wool that is overwhelming and comes at a price. There was overprotection from one of the parents, or I had several parental figures (siblings, uncles, etc.), sometimes with ambivalent attitudes that the child struggled to interpret as sincere and selfless care, and, most importantly, these figures did not contain the child’s emotions or experiences. The consequences are deep mistrust in the bond of love and intolerance for life’s problems, as they are not used to finding the tools within themselves to confront difficulty and hardship.

The Privileged Arrival

"I was the first child, the first girl, the first niece... Well, I had pampering from all sides. I got gifts, they took pictures of me, I was the center of attention. I had a room just for my toys. I had a lot of character; I was the true authority of the family." — Anonymous

The Child’s Idealization

It’s true that I’ve always felt privileged. I was the firstborn. I was very pampered, and from what they tell me, I was a very charming and smart child. I started walking at nine months and talking very early as well. I was very loved and spoiled. I always had what I wanted and felt protected. More than anything, my family was perfect, and I, beside them, was invulnerable. I never handled frustrations well.

Now I see that I was too protected—overprotected. That’s why I struggle now. — Anonymous

By overprotecting their child, parents wish "nothing bad happens to them," distancing them from all danger—or more accurately, in the case of this subtype, from the danger of being "parents," with all the uncertainties and frustrations that come with it. Little do they know, they are fostering an inability to deal with real needs. The parents are either absent, at least emotionally; or immature and narcissistic, compensating for their own immaturity with superficial praise aimed at inflating their own ego; or they give gifts to cover up their inability to have an intimate connection with their child and the intolerance of a bond that may bring limits or frustrations.

Little by little, the Self-Preservation 2 learns that it is much more comfortable to disconnect from their inner world and return to their parents that playful child, an object to exhibit. They learn to manipulate, passing on the responsibility to others (the mother, the father). They develop a certain fear of trying or taking risks, as there has always been someone who has taken care of things for them, who has done the task or most of it. They end up validating external knowledge over internal knowledge, with the insecurity this brings. "The other knows how to do it," "The other has the solution for my problem," "If I do it by myself, I might make a mistake," or "It's better for someone else to do it so I don’t make a mistake," are typical internal mandates.

Guillermo Pérez's Testimony

I adored my father. He was always right. My father was the strongest, smartest, and kindest man in the world. I told him everything. And he explained to me how things were,

which of my classmates were idiots, and which ones were worth it. He also explained to me what I was feeling, and, above all, he explained to me how he was at my age: much stronger, braver, and bolder. My reference until recently has been my father. He was the man, the one who knew, who understood, with the power to judge what was right and wrong. I sought recognition from him.

The Messages from the Parents

But it’s not about trust; it’s about introjects derived from the parents’ messages, which serve to condition the child to depend and develop the role of eternal child. This "overprotection" feeds the feeling of not having the abilities to face the world. At the same time, the mandate of being the "special" child of mom and the "privileges" granted by the mother or father leaves the child confused and ambivalent. The only escape is the avoidant or proud response to their fears. The confusion and ambivalence grow even larger when the mother and father use this "preferred" child as a weapon against each other.

It’s quite common that the special place the child earns in their relationship with the parents puts them in a very difficult situation with siblings. They face envy and anger, which creates a distance that, unconsciously, feeds their feeling of loneliness. This distrust among peers later repeats itself with classmates or friends. Many report having difficulty making friends or painful experiences of rejection.

Parenting and Interpretation of Life

The parents take it upon themselves to interpret both the external and internal life of the child without genuinely engaging with their emotional experiences. Often, this interpretation is inconsistent, shaped by what the parent feels or wants from their child, which leads the child to grow up thinking the other should know what they’re going through, without having developed the ability to listen to themselves and clearly identify their own experiences.

The Mandate of Self-Control

The Self-Preservation 2 understands that it’s not okay to be as they are and that it’s better to contain themselves because it’s not appropriate. "If I don’t bother and I’m good, they’ll love me," is one of their irrational ideas. The consequence is withdrawal or self-nullification,

which is typical of this character. They occupy little space, put themselves in the background, and are extremely careful not to disturb.

Anonymous Testimony

My mother made all the decisions for me. She told me what I should wear, how I should act, and little by little, I learned to repress my desires and wait for her to tell me what to do. The few times I did something on my own, she would criticize me and say what I should have done instead. So, I simply started doing what she said: obeying without thinking.

The Need to Serve Others

The Self-Preservation 2 also learns that their needs come after others’ needs, that they can wait; first, the other must be satisfied (a mirror of the mother, who is always there for them as long as they don’t disturb her with their truth).

It seems there’s an inconsistency between this experience of withdrawal and the arrogance of expecting others to love them unconditionally, to be at their service, and to recognize the "gifts" they have "by nature." But in reality, there is no inconsistency because the pride of being special is the ego structure that not only hides the lack but also constitutes an escape from insecurity by playing the role of the child who takes care of their mother and the adults, helping in times of illness, performing practical tasks, and working for others. This attitude disconnects them from their own needs but returns them to the central place in someone else's life. Over time, the mentality of "I don’t need anything" is cultivated, and with it, omnipotence, even at the cost of losing true individual freedom.

Anonymous Testimony

My mother talks a lot, she talks all day... It’s unbearable. I could listen to her for a while, but then I would get tired and disconnect. I felt like I didn’t have space to express myself, so I would go to my room and imagine everything I wanted to say.

The Role of Fantasy in Their Life

The Self-Preservation 2 learned early on to encourage others, to smile, and to always appear happy or, at the very least, to fake it. This is closely tied to lying, starting from the

principle that if reality isn’t so nice and entertaining, they can always change it a bit to make it more interesting. The intent, as always, is to attract attention and be loved and protected.

It seems that my birth made the entire family happy, without exception. In my family, there was no one my age. My cousins were adults. I lived in a world of adults, and I had to adapt. I learned very quickly that if I made them happy, they would pay attention to me and be with me. I learned to be very affectionate, they asked for kisses and cuddles all the time, and I gave them to make sure they played with me and didn’t leave me alone.

The Need to Paint Reality Rosy

This idea that one can change reality leads, in the future, to their ability to paint life pink, to minimize or omit unpleasant facts, or to explain life in a more beautiful way. It’s an inability to see the "dark" or harsh side of life. This rosy interpretation is how the child responds to the family’s demand that what goes wrong should not be said or shown. They form a very strong alliance with the parents so they don’t feel defective or anxious.

Cati Preciado’s Testimony

It was important for me to be close to my mother and know everything she did, said, or felt. Sometimes I would get angry or bored accompanying her, but I adapted: I knew that afterward she would do what I wanted. Often, while running errands with my mom, I would daydream, imagining stories to pass the time.

The Need to Be Seen as Good

In addition to the need to smile and make others happy to get approval and love, there is also the need to project an image of "I’m good, obedient, and always available," and of course, the fear of being caught in a lie.

Anonymous Testimony

With adults, I was always afraid of being judged and exposed. My internal feeling was that I wasn’t able to control myself. I desperately wanted to be polite and nice... My gaze, whenever it met an adult’s, compulsively expressed: "I’m good." I longed for a sweet smile... I wanted protection and approval...

Final Reflections

My ultimate goal was to make sure they saw me as a good person. Above all, it was the adults I had to convince. They had the power. One fear I remember very well and still have is the fear of being caught. I felt a lot of shame when I was caught doing something naughty. I felt the shame of the lie, of the image I was presenting. If I wasn’t good, then I wasn’t worth it. This fear was something I constantly felt with my father.

In believing I was better than other children, there was a marked duality. I remember when I exchanged a toy car with my neighbor (she was five, I was eight) for touching her inappropriately. The next day, her mother came to complain about what had happened. My mother didn’t ask me if it was true, she simply didn’t believe it. The figure showed a great relief. Deep down, it was the unworthiness of my mother’s love. The figure of the good, asexual child was so defined that behaviors that didn’t fit this model were framed as impulsive acts, things I did unintentionally, things I couldn’t take responsibility for without falling off my pedestal. And falling off the pedestal meant risking being unloved, more than anyone else.

Guillermo Pérez’s Testimony

This character seems to have a common point, especially in women: the figure of an absent father, either physically or symbolically, and its subsequent idealization.

In this sense, it will be very helpful for the Self-Preservation 2 woman to recognize her place and the mother’s place within the family. Lower the defenses, acknowledge the damage caused to the mother in this battle, and express gratitude. She must abandon the fight for a place that doesn’t belong to her. She should also recognize that her alliance with the father cost her the loss of mothering. This is a difficult step because her self-meaning was created in relation to this place, but at the same time, it will be very liberating. It will allow her to change the relational pattern with other women, forming sisterhoods and sharing with them (instead of competing). It will also enable her to establish herself as a woman in relation to men and abandon the role of the child.

Statistically, there are fewer men than women of this character. The future male Self-Preservation 2 has an intense relationship with the mother, who conveys a special place and an erotized bond, leading him to idealize himself as the special man while simultaneously being an eternal child. The relationship with the father may be more distant and sometimes competitive, which results in difficulties in relationships with men, where he feels proudly superior but internally unfit for the adult male role. This childhood experience

often results in a sweet demeanor and a more "feminine" way of seduction, characterized by empathy, care, and sensitivity.

A Happy Childhood

In general, the Self-Preservation 2 had an apparently happy childhood, filled with attention and role models who gave them love and taught them how the world worked, albeit through manipulated and irrational interpretations. Underneath, it was a childhood marked by emotional neglect and, at times, a harmful exposure to the adult world. There was an incoherence between feeling infantile and privileged and being the recipient of confidences that were not suitable for their age.

They learned to do everything in their power to be the center of attention and gain the gazes of the adults, being polite, good, and obedient. This is the price of love, as this character understands it during their childhood. Setting or receiving boundaries will be as difficult as having self-confidence. To make decisions, they will rely on external opinions, the ones that had value during their character-forming stage. They ultimately feed a profound distrust in this ambiguous love and in the adults’ ability to truly care for them.

Anonymous Testimony

When I was five, my mother passed away, and my father, in many ways, decided to die in life. In fact, a few months later, he was admitted to a psychiatric clinic. Only now, twenty-eight years after his death, have I been able to open that box full of pain, that episode of my life which I used to talk about as if I was simply recounting a casual event. Now I can relive the panic I felt the night she died, how lonely I was, the responsibility of taking care of my brother while feeling that I didn’t want to, that it wasn’t my responsibility, that what I needed was to be held. Now I can feel the pain in my chest, a fine pain that cuts through... and then, the relief of not having to hold on, of not having to bear the great sadness with the armor of my chest.

At that moment, I felt the pain my small self could withstand. I remember crying a lot at first and hearing the numerous "don’t cry" from those who were unable to hold their pain due to my crying. That’s when I started to freeze my chest to avoid feeling: the beginning of a profound sadness that still lingers within me. I begin to see all the effort throughout my life to avoid feeling the pain, replacing it with two distinct strategies: one, inventing reality, distorting it, painting the world rosy; and another, directly pushing everything painful aside,

not seeing it. With pride, I can freeze my chest without realizing that something is affecting me.

The Desire to Be Admired

I wonder if the emptiness from my mother's death led to the neurotic decision to appear as though I was full. If it was my way of escaping the tremendous envy I felt toward others for having a mother, and my shame for feeling so different from the other children. I answer myself, yes; for me, there is a clear connection between feeling this great lack and wanting to hide it.

At that time, the demand to do everything perfectly began, to be admired by my peers and loved by the adults. I sought the privileged place by shining at school. Getting good grades was a guarantee of love from my teachers, so I didn’t hesitate to invest my soul in it. I remember my first moment of major anxiety regarding schoolwork when I was ten, for not finishing all the homework on time. Would I lose my teacher’s love?

The Family Dynamic

I was always my father's little girl. I felt we had a special bond, and I competed with my mother for my father’s love. She didn’t put me in my place; she let me be there. After his death, I automatically took her place. I became my father’s emotional support, fulfilling the Oedipus complex. I took on the role of a partner and, inheriting the role that my mother played with him, became like a mother to him. Daughter, companion, and mother—an impossible role. But if I felt omnipotent, I could occupy it. That’s when I felt the birth of my arrogance, "I am better than you, and I will prove it." Taking care of my father, placing myself above him, made me feel more capable than the rest of the world. That’s when "I am the best" and "men can’t manage on their own" was born.

Albert Rams' Insight

I recently heard Albert Rams say that character forms to prevent something from repeating, and in a recent therapy session, I saw how I placed myself in that omnipotent position so that the death of my mother would not repeat. I discovered that I felt more capable than God; my mother’s death was his mistake. At the same time, I feel the great weight it has carried for me not being able to save her. Another part of my trait emerges: the savior. "I will save everyone," that’s my deepest irrational idea. It’s a defense against something I can

no longer avoid. As if trying to save anyone I believe needs it (whether they ask for it or not) will heal my wound.

The Fear of Abandonment

I also didn’t want the wound of abandonment to repeat when my mother died and my father was admitted to the psychiatric clinic. At that point, I promised myself: "I will never need anyone again."

It didn’t seem strange to me, as a child, to act as a mother to my brother. The environment helped. I clearly remember the praise from my family: smiles and compliments for being so good, responsible, for taking such good care of my brother, and for being so strong and brave! I was the perfect girl they wanted me to be. I was so adorable...

Learning to Disconnect from Fear

I learned to always be available and to guess what was expected of me to be pleasing and thus receive love. I learned to disconnect from my fear and force myself to be strong. I learned that taking care of others was more important than taking care of myself. I learned not to ask for anything to avoid disturbing or disappointing. I learned to believe I was so good and capable that I could be the best. And, of course, I learned to seduce with my gaze, my charm, and my eloquence.

This behavior earned me many privileges, in the family and at school. I learned how wonderful it was to have privilege and how to seduce adults to give it to me. A funny story: In the nursery I attended, they made us all take a nap after lunch. I didn’t want to sleep, so they let me stay with the teachers, or in a section for older kids, playing. Until one day, while no one was watching, I decided to "free" the little ones from the sleeping area. I went and opened the door for them; the teachers arrived, alarmed by the noise, and saw the "little ones" wandering freely with the door open. That’s when my privilege ended.

The Price of Privilege

"Privilege"... It sounds like heavenly music in my ears. It’s captivating, a place that attracts me, traps me... because it’s a trap, a double-edged sword. Only now can I see it this way. The price I paid for this privilege was high: With my father, always being available,

forgetting myself; his needs first, then mine. This will shape my relationships with men in the future.

The other thing that will mark my relationship with men is the division between love and sex, which also began taking shape in my childhood. I remember being very in love with my father and how I loved sitting on his lap, hugging him, and kissing him... As a young child, I remember the open physical contact with my father; we would bathe together until I was about five. I don’t remember how it stopped, though I recall one day, during a joint bath, asking him something about his penis. And I began to live my childhood sexuality with shame and modesty. Something about my desire must have frightened my father, who censored it. I began to sense that it wasn’t right; I could love him, but I still wonder…