Emotionality and Fantasy

The Sexual 9, when seeking union with another, often feels what is expected of them. It is not uncommon for them to experience sudden mood changes without any apparent reason or even awareness of it. The serenity they typically express is false: disconnected from their own feelings, they instead express emotions that are most accepted by their environment to ensure love and acceptance. When, for any reason (even something fleeting), they are confronted with pain or feel oppressed by obligations, they may experience a descent into an emotional abyss. This is a place without clear boundaries, where they feel disoriented and lack self-awareness, leading to mood shifts that seem inconsistent with external reality.

In childhood, the Sexual 9 dreams vividly, has imaginary friends, and feels the full range of emotions, just like any other child—though only briefly. Their family often conveys an urgency for them to grow up quickly, discouraging fantasies and emphasizing the need to be useful in facing life's difficulties.

"I consolidated the conviction that I had to protect myself and that it was strategic and fundamental to annihilate my emotions to stay as lucid as possible. Losing control could cost me dearly. For me, emotions—understood as feeling life within—were dangerous because they connected me to the painful life I was living, the humiliation I suffered, and the shame I felt. So, it was better to close myself in a 'little fort,' to build a wall around me that wouldn’t let my emotions touch me or allow others to see them." (Dania)

Emotions become unimportant. There is no time or space to feel them, and no one available to help process them or explain feelings like joy, sadness, or anger. In this environment, intangible things like emotions are dismissed as a waste of time—what matters are concrete actions and practical needs.

This reduction and trivialization of their emotional experience soon create great confusion, leaving them unable to distinguish emotions clearly. Instead, they perceive a "confused tangle" of feelings, which plants a lingering doubt: "Is this what I truly feel?"

Substituting real feelings with this "confused tangle" becomes a defense mechanism, allowing them to avoid unnecessary suffering. It provides an existential refuge where they can avoid confronting emotions they aren’t permitted to feel. Over time, however, even this defense becomes overwhelming. As a result, they move into a phase of complete emotional anesthesia: they stop dreaming, desiring, and feeling sorrow, joy, peace, or anger. Everything becomes static and flat, devoid of good or bad. Their sole thought and goal become: "Let nothing and no one destabilize me. Let everything slip away from me."

"In my relationship with my partner, I suffered, and my feelings were discredited. The only salvation was anesthesia—to stop feeling and resolve conflicts by accepting the label of being a 'crazy woman' who saw visions and felt pain without any objective reason." (Dania)

"I was looking for an apartment and found one I really liked. I kept visiting it but couldn’t make a decision. Each time I visited, I left feeling uncomfortable and uneasy. I became convinced this discomfort was a sign that the apartment wasn’t right for me—that something bad would happen if I chose it. In therapy, I realized, with horror, that the discomfort was because I actually liked the apartment. I remembered moments in my childhood when wanting something was used against me, to make me suffer. I almost lost the apartment because it took me so long to decide." (Blanca)

Emotions are thus repressed and sedated, but the most deeply numbed and avoided emotion for a Sexual 9 is their rage.

Anger is an emotion they have witnessed too often in others, usually accompanied by aggression and violence. Having dealt with this alone as a child, they never learned that anger can be expressed without becoming destructive. As a result, they associate anger with violence and fear their own potential for uncontrollable outbursts. They imagine themselves as ogres capable of unprecedented violence, which they believe they cannot contain. To avoid this, they make a rational decision to suppress their anger entirely, taking on the burden of dissolving it by ignoring it altogether.

However, this suppressed rage inevitably surfaces when they feel disappointed in one-on-one relationships or when their dedication to fulfilling others' wishes goes unreciprocated. The buildup of unmet needs and narcotization delays the release of anger, requiring an enormous threshold of frustration before it is finally expressed.

The lack of love produces painful self-devaluation, and the resulting rage manifests in a polar transformation of their attitude toward the other person. Their unconditional love abruptly turns into coldness toward the one who disappointed them. In these moments,

anything could happen to the person they once loved so deeply, and they would not flinch—they have internally killed that person. This dynamic becomes an "all or nothing" game.

"I have realized in my relationship that I do not like getting angry with him, and, above all, that he gets angry with me. My irrational fear is that anger has serious consequences, such as admitting that he is unhappy with something. This makes me believe that the relationship cannot continue and must be ended immediately.

Of course, I avoid taking that risk and try to pretend that nothing is happening. However, this often doesn’t work because, even if I don’t express my anger through words, it manifests through my indifference, inattentiveness, and disenchantment." (Lupita)

Before reaching the moment of extreme transformation — which requires an enormous "critical mass" of accumulated mistreatment — anger already begins to surface occasionally. It appears as subtle acts of defiance, such as stubbornly sabotaging the other person's proposals by pointing out all kinds of practical obstacles. It’s as if saying, "I can also destroy your desire; don’t think things will go well for you if I’m against you."

For a Sexual 9, anger also manifests covertly through procrastination. Infinitely delaying what they consider an obligation is a form of rebellion against authority figures, particularly the symbolic "father figure," to whom they feel little gratitude. This resistance further explains their great difficulty in experiencing admiration or love in a genuine way, even though they may pretend otherwise.

In a journey of self-discovery, clarifying the positive aspects of anger is essential. For a Sexual 9, developing the strength needed for transformation requires embracing a healthy relationship with anger.

As for joy, which they might have experienced briefly in childhood, it has become a distant, almost forgotten memory. That strange, energizing sensation in the belly — the one that feels like a beautiful gift, a smile, a serene gaze, a loving hug, a wild race, or the laughter of childhood games — was fleeting. So fleeting, in fact, that they begin to doubt whether they ever truly experienced it or if it was only imagined.

The sadness they carry is so immense that they can’t discern where it begins or ends. They don’t even know whether the sadness is for themselves or for the world around them. In these moments, a "confusing tangle" of feelings resurfaces, leaving them in a state of vague nostalgia.

All other emotions feel absent, as if they don’t exist. If you ask a Sexual 9 what emotions exist beyond anger, joy, and sadness, they might struggle to name more. It’s as though they live in an emotional blank slate.

In adulthood, this dysfunctional relationship with emotions becomes so ingrained that, if they happen to feel something deeply and naturally, their immediate reaction might be: "This is too much; I’m feeling too much." For them, what feels overwhelming is actually the level of emotion that most people experience daily. They don’t recognize this, and it frightens them.

If they have the courage and willingness to explore these feelings, they may come to enjoy them and feel alive again by listening to their emotions without "disconnecting." If not, they risk becoming even more numb and entrenched in their avoidance mechanisms.

"In one training, we did an exercise where we had to pause at intervals and ask ourselves: 'What am I doing?', 'What am I thinking?', and 'What am I feeling?' To my surprise, I found that I was never feeling anything. This worried me, so I started paying closer attention to see if I could detect any emotions. With a lot of effort, I began noticing very subtle emotions and assumed that perhaps no one felt more than that. Over time, I realized that I was actually numb. Gradually, through practice, I have regained my ability to sense my emotions." (Blanca)

As for fantasy, in childhood, there might be an attempt to engage with imaginary friends or imaginative play. However, the child is often reprimanded: "Talking to imaginary friends is crazy." Such comments during playtime make the child feel inadequate, embarrassed, and upset.

Very soon, family needs push these children to grow up quickly and focus on practical matters, leaving no room for fantasy. They rarely have opportunities to play with other children their age, often forming bonds and deep connections with animals instead, which become their primary companions.

In their solitude, they develop a rich inner world filled with stories, games, and characters — a private universe accessible only to them, safe from external judgment or destruction.

"I have always felt an intense love for nature and animals of all species. Throughout my life, they have been my first playmates and my most constant companions. With them, I could be myself and express myself freely. I learned to communicate better with animals and the earth than with my peers, except for children and individuals with different abilities." (Dania)

As they grow older, fantasy becomes a refuge where they create a parallel life to escape reality. This inner world operates most prominently in the realm of love. A Sexual 9, lacking the courage to desire openly or express romantic interest, constructs elaborate fantasies about love in their mind. This allows them to avoid the risk of rejection and the shame of feeling unwanted.

If reality ever collides with these fantasies, they often feel disappointed because things rarely unfold as they had imagined. The problem lies in the intensity with which they live their imagined scenarios, to the point where they struggle to distinguish fantasy from reality.