Interpersonal Strategy and Associated Irrational Ideas

The fixation of the Sexual 9 is self-forgetfulness, evident in the hyper-adaptation and false serenity that hinder a true connection with their inner world. This aligns with the passion of the E9—sloth—understood as a passion for the unconscious, for an inner absence, by being present only for and by the other.

The strategy they learn from an early age is to accept what exists, convincing themselves that everything is enough, giving up on wanting things, emotions, or love for themselves. In short, they learn not to live. While this lifestyle is unpleasant, it is seen as a better alternative to the pain of rejection and the futility of wanting what cannot be attained. Eventually, the Sexual 9 learns to be content with this, projecting a false serenity that even they come to believe.

Typically, a Sexual 9 grows up in a family where adults are too preoccupied with their own needs to value the personal needs of the children. These absent adults, focused solely on their own concerns, often fail to acknowledge that they have children, forcing them to grow up quickly and fend for themselves. This is how the Sexual 9 learns to disconnect from the pain of growing up, allowing everything to pass as quickly as possible. Emotions, verbal expressions, feelings, and needs are ignored and suppressed. Instead of finding supportive adults who can teach and hold them, the child—soon to be a Sexual 9—must learn to care for themselves and often even for one or both parents. A reversal of roles occurs: the child must understand the adults and their motivations, while suppressing their own needs, as if they must first fix the adults’ problems before being able to enjoy childhood.

"The childhood years were difficult. I would define them as a 'non-childhood.' Because of my mother's continual depressions and exhaustion, I had to hurry to grow up. I was always

a little woman who had to provide for herself and others. She had no friends, and she couldn't play with the neighboring children either. Family conditions did not allow me to do so because my parents, due to financial problems, worked all day and only came home to sleep." (Dania)

The method of disconnecting involves activating a detector for external events—bad moods, anger, tension, and the needs of others—while doing whatever it takes to avoid feeling anything inside (anesthetizing their emotions). They manage their emotions by transforming them into thought and action, driven by a fearful mindset that prevents them from taking risks, engaging fully in life, or claiming something for themselves. Instead, they focus on helping others and limiting damage, retreating back into solitude for rest. Only when they are alone can they truly rest, and fantasy and play are vital tools for them.

"As a child, I saw how my mother suffered to get us ahead. Although my father worked to support us, he was away for long periods, so I remember my mother being very alone, with a lot of anguish and burden. I was almost completely focused on her. I always worried about her, especially when she was sick, which was often. Of course, I suffered a lot when she suffered, and I thought, 'If only I could do something so she wouldn't suffer.' I sometimes prayed for her, asking God to at least take half of her pain away from me so she wouldn't suffer so much." (Lupita)

The Sexual 9 learns to feel loved by merging entirely with the vision of the other, annulling themselves in the process. This self-forgetfulness begins early and leads them to live a life that is not truly theirs. Initially, everything they choose and do is influenced by what one of their parents likes. As a result, preferences in school, sports, interests, and even political views are adopted through fusion with the parent. The mother or father becomes a false guide for their growth. The Sexual 9 does many things to please as a way of showing love, but, in other matters, they may take an opposite path to the parent’s influence.

"During the refuge, my parents lost part of their identity, their language, their family, their land, their work, among many other things, but it was my mother who suffered the most because she was the most rooted in her life in the village and her indigenous identity. She lived her first years in the new country with great sadness, always remembering her previous life and yearning to return. I was born during that period and somehow absorbed that nostalgia, gradually making it my own. As a child, when she told stories of her life in the village, I imagined myself to be her, and I started to see her return as a goal, almost like a destiny. Later, it seemed strange to me that my older brothers, who were born in the village, didn't have such a strong desire to return, but I didn’t pay much attention to it.

This idea remained with me until I eventually returned when I completed my studies as a teacher. I lived in the town for four months and, though I had a great time, I didn't find the paradise I had fantasized about as a child. Nothing and no one was waiting for me, and it was only then that I clearly saw how I had been searching for something that wasn’t mine. It was a clear reflection of how I had appropriated my mother's life." (Lupita)

Later, the Sexual 9 transfers this self-forgetfulness to their romantic relationship: they become part of the other person, completely annulling their own existence in favor of the other. They do this to show love, because it is the only form of love they know. Only in this self-annulment and total dedication to the other do they feel alive. The forgetfulness of self becomes so deep that their emotions are those of the other person. Everything—food, vacations, movies—revolves around the decisions of the other, and they can no longer clearly feel what they want; they only feel what is good for the other, and by extension, for "us."

"In my relationship, I have a hard time making decisions. I always expect him to make them. When I feel the need to make decisions myself, I usually do so by considering whether he'll like them. It's a lot of effort I sometimes put into trying to guess what he'll like. It’s obvious that I never get it right. When I fail, I am almost inevitably flooded with frustration, making me feel, once again, inadequate." (Lupita)

A Sexual 9 adapts easily, seemingly without pain, to the wishes of others as long as they are content. However, sometimes they experience a general bad mood that erupts in a state of anesthetizing confusion, accompanied by physical exhaustion that leaves them without strength and unable to identify the cause.

If you ask a real Sexual 9 to choose food, a movie, a book, or list their favorite interests and explain why, you can be sure you’ve put them in a difficult spot.

"As an adult, I became aware that it was an ordeal for me to be asked what I wanted, and I started to pay attention to it. One summer day, when I was in front of the refrigerator to get a drink, I realized the mechanism: First, I would avoid choosing what others liked, and second, among what others didn’t like, I would choose what there was more of. At that moment, I decided that I wanted to learn how to choose for myself, so I began to pay attention to my bodily sensations to find out what I truly wanted, starting with the smallest and most concrete decisions." (Blanca)

Here are some of the irrational ideas typical of a Sexual 9:

• "If I ask, I behave like a child."

This is based on the childhood experience of having to take care of oneself, being strong, and having no needs because this was seen as the way to guarantee love.

• "Feeling is counterproductive, it is better not to feel."

They believe that feeling will bring them into contact with the intense pain they carry inside; that feeling in their body and emotions will cause unbearable pain.

• "I must not show my feelings"

If you show what you feel, you become vulnerable. You may suffer and feel ashamed. You could experience emotions that are not appropriate for the situation or for others, which could lead to rejection.

• "I have to be indispensable"

The Sexual 9 believes that the only way to avoid rejection and be well-accepted is to be indispensable to another person.

• "I always have to say yes"

Always saying yes serves two purposes. First, there are few people who always say yes, accepting anything, which makes one indispensable. Second, it helps avoid conflict and differences.

• "My need comes after that of others"

When the Sexual 9 follows their own needs, they feel selfish and heartless, which jeopardizes their place in the world.

• "Following my wish will have very bad consequences for me"

When the Sexual 9 perceives a desire, even without recognizing it, they feel physical discomfort and a sense of danger.

• "I take everything literally, I blindly believe that what they tell me is true"

The Sexual 9 is naïve in their relationships with others. This naivety is a form of unconsciousness. They do not even consider the possibility that someone could be false or speak untruths for their own convenience.

• "I'm not up to the task"

The Sexual 9 feels that others are better than them. They don't feel intelligent and have a poor image of themselves. In all situations, whether basic or complex, they are accompanied by a voice in their head that says: "Shut up, you're going to make a fool of yourself. Speak and act only if you're completely sure."

• "The easy life is not for me"

The concept of "duty" is so ingrained in the Sexual 9 that they are used to taking everything very seriously. If things seem too easy, they feel unworthy, as they have learned that things must be earned through hard work and seriousness, not by taking the easy route.

• "I cannot exempt myself from making others respect their duties as well"

Due to their ingrained sense of duty, the Sexual 9 feels empowered to ensure that others are equally serious and diligent in fulfilling their responsibilities.

• "I am so organized that I can find everything with my eyes closed"

This is a fantasy, as their order exists within chaos. Sometimes, it appears as great confusion to others. Rather than being ordered, it might be more accurate to say that they are "methodical." This love for method extends to the intellectual realm, where they may disappear as an individual, following the method literally. It’s a structured chaos.

• "I have to always be welcoming"

The Sexual 9 maintains a welcoming posture toward others and tends to want to be useful to avoid rejection. This is also a way of rescuing themselves, as they enjoy being welcomed by others. By doing this, they feel accepted.

• "Crying is useless"

For the Sexual 9, crying prolongs suffering. If they don't cry, they believe it will speed up the solution to the problem. If they cry, others will see them as weak, and the weak know that they are of no use to anyone. This leads to rejection, or others may take advantage of their vulnerability.

• "There is nothing that cannot be postponed"

In the mind of a Sexual 9, there is no urgency or need for immediacy. Only on rare occasions is there a sense of urgency. The fear of emptiness makes them prefer to

accumulate tasks rather than risk having nothing to do. Having nothing to do exposes them to the risk of feeling.

• "It is up to me to resolve or mediate any conflict"

The fear that conflicts could escalate leads the Sexual 9 to intervene before it is "too late." Their quick response doesn’t allow them to assess their real chances before taking action.

• "Nobody sees me, I'm transparent"

As a child, the Sexual 9 learns to be invisible, to exist physically without being seen. This gives them a sense of safety but also causes great suffering. The shame they feel about themselves makes them seek invisibility—choosing discreet clothing, using a soft tone of voice, and avoiding direct eye contact with others.