The Characteristic Neurotic Need

The satellite passion of the Sexual 9 is referred to as symbiosis or union. These words highlight the passionate need of this character to fuse with the other. The neurotic need to bond symbiotically with the other is the psychological and spiritual error of those who identify with this subtype. They confuse an intimate and parasitic relationship with the other with contact with themselves and spiritual fulfillment. Since E9 is the origin of all the

other types, according to the theory of the Enneagram, it is interesting to see how this neurotic mechanism is significant for the neurosis linked to the sexual instinct.

The Sexual 9 views union as a symbiosis with the other, understanding it as a need to support and complete oneself through the other. It is not a union between two distinct individuals, but between two who merge because they cannot live as autonomous beings. The symbiotic need to unite with another is not for mutual growth or companionship but for survival. It becomes a survival mechanism rather than a true, fulfilling life, as both individuals, lacking self-sufficiency, end up stifling their instinctive lives, desires, needs, demands, dreams, and aspirations.

In particular, by not having contact with his essence, the Sexual 9 replaces it with the presence of the other, with whom he identifies. As a child, the E9 might choose a friend to share all experiences with; later, they fully replace that friendship with a life partner.

"Since I was a child, all my dreams for the future were with a partner. Life was happy simply because I had a partner. I never had much interest in having children (although later they became my teachers), but I was certain I wanted to live as a couple, even though I didn’t actively pursue it." (Blanca)

The relationship is symbiotic in nature: moments of leisure are only conceived as a couple, and there is no permission to independently live an experience that may interest one person but not the other. The E9 agrees with the other even when they believe the other is making a mistake, fearing rejection. They tend to put the other’s needs before their own, even trying to satisfy them at the expense of their own. The neurotic component of this union conditions the E9’s life because they fail to listen to what they themselves want. They prioritize pleasing the other to avoid the risk of rejection and may even give up making important decisions for themselves if those decisions are not shared by the other.

"In my memories, I hear my mother’s voice saying, 'Shut up,' 'Stop it,' 'Be still.' When I saw something and spoke up or asked for explanations, I was denied any answer, even when the evidence was clear. So, I learned to doubt my own perceptions and feelings. I would define it as a radical castration of instinct from my birth." (Dania)

The search for union can also extend to a broader range of relationships—children, friends, acquaintances, and even the whole world (nature, the Universe). The Sexual 9 views their children as extensions of themselves, as if they were offshoots of the tree they represent. This makes it difficult for them to view their children as separate individuals. The internal struggle to be a good parent lies in the challenge of "letting them go"—in allowing them to be autonomous.

In friendships, the Sexual 9 experiences a split between feeling deeply connected emotionally and the possibility of pushing the relationship aside until affection naturally returns. It’s as if there’s a floodgate that opens and closes, regulating access to their feelings of affection.

"Since I was little, I realized that, unlike everyone else, I didn’t miss people when I didn’t see them. I didn’t miss my friends on vacation, or when they changed schools, or even my grandparents when we returned to the city after the summer. For me, the saying 'out of sight, out of mind' was true. On the contrary, when I see someone again after many years of no contact, it feels like 'as if we talked yesterday.' It’s like a plug that was loosened, now reconnected. The bond immediately reestablishes itself, as if no time had passed." (Blanca)